a new england girlhood-第6章

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eir　squeaking　brogans；　looking　as　restless　as　imprisoned　monkeys　after　they　had　got　into　those　conspicuous　seats；　where　they　behaved　as　if　they　thought　nobody　could　see　their　pranks。　I　did　not　think　it　could　be　at　all　nice　to　〃go　up　into　Galilee。〃

I　had　an　〃Aunt　Nancy；〃　an　uncle's　wife；　to　whom　I　was　sometimes　sent　for　safe…keeping　when　house…cleaning　or　anything　unusual　was　going　on　at　home。　She　was　a　large…featured　woman；　with　a　very　deep　masculine　voice；　and　she　conducted　family　worship　herself；　kneeling　at　prayer；　which　was　not　the　Orthodox　custom。

She　always　began　by　saying；

〃Oh　Lord；　Thou　knowest　that　we　are　all　groveling　worms　of　the　dust。〃　I　thought　she　meant　that　we　all　looked　like　wriggling　red　earthworms；　and　tried　to　make　out　the　resemblance　in　my　mind；　but　could　not。　I　unburdened　my　difficulty　at　home；　telling　the　family　that　〃Aunt　Nancy　got　down　on　the　floor　and　said　we　were　all　grubbelin'　worms；〃　begging　to　know　whether　everybody　did　sometimes　have　to　crawl　about　in　the　dust。

A　little　later；　I　was　much　puzzled　as　to　whether　I　was　a　Jew　or　Gentile。　The　Bible　seemed　to　divide　people　into　these　two　classes　only。　The　Gentiles　were　not　well　spoken　of：　I　did　not　want　to　be　one　of　them。　The　talked　about　Abraham　and　Isaac　and　Jacob　and　the　rest；　away　back　to　Adam；　as　if　they　were　our　forefathers　（there　was　a　time　when　I　thought　that　Adam　and　Eve　and　Cain　and　Abel　were　our　four　fathers）；　and　yet　I　was　very　sure　that　I　was　not　a　Jew。　When　I　ventured　to　ask；　I　was　told　that　we　were　all　Christians　or　heathen　now。　That　did　not　help　me　for　I　thought　that　only　grown…up　persons　could　be　Christians；　from　which　it　followed　that　all　children　must　be　heathen。　Must　I　think　of　Myself　as　a　heathen；　then；　until　I　should　be　old　enough　to　be　a　Christian？　It　was　a　shocking　conclusion；　but　I　could　see　no　other　answer　to　my　question；　and　I　felt　ashamed　to　ask　again。　My　self…invented　theory　about　the　human　race　was　that　Adam　and　Eve　were　very　tall　people；　taller　than　the　tallest　trees　in　the　Garden　of　Eden；　before　they　were　sent　out　of　it；　but　that　they　then　began　to　dwindle；　that　their　children　had　ever　since　been　getting　smaller　and　smaller；　and　that　by　and　by　the　inhabitants　of　the　world　would　be　no　bigger　than　babies。　I　was　afraid　I　should　stop　growing　while　I　was　a　child；　and　I　used　to　stand　on　the　footstool　in　the　pew；　and　try　to　stretch　myself　up　to　my　mother's　height；　to　imagine　how　it　would　seem　to　be　a　woman。　I　hoped　I　should　be　a　tall　one。　I　did　not　wish　to　be　a　diminishing　specimen　of　the　race；　an　anxiety　which　proved　to　be　entirely　groundless。

The　Sabbath　mornings　in　those　old　times　had　a　peculiar　charm。　They　seemed　so　much　cleaner　than　other　mornings！　The　roads　and　the　grassy　footpaths　seemed　fresher；　and　the　air　itself　purer　and　more　wholesome　than　on　week…days。　Saturday　afternoon　and　evening　were　regarded　as　part　of　the　Sabbath　（we　were　taught　that　it　was　heathenish　to　call　the　day　Sunday）；　work　and　playthings　were　laid　aside；　and　every　body；　as　well　as　every　thing；　was　subjected　to　a　rigid　renovation。　Sabbath　morning　would　not　have　seemed　like　itself　without　a　clean　house；　a　clean　skin；　and　tidy　and　spotless　clothing。

The　Saturday's　baking　was　a　great　event；　the　brick　oven　being　heated　to　receive　the　flour　bread；　the　flour…and…Indian；　and　the　rye…and…Indian　bread；　the　traditional　pot　of　beans；　the　Indian　pudding；　and　the　pies；　for　no　further　cooking　was　to　be　done　until　Monday。　We　smaller　girls　thought　it　a　great　privilege　to　be　allowed　to　watch　the　oven　till　the　roof　of　it　should　be　〃white…　hot；〃　so　that　the　coals　could　be　shoveled　out。

Then　it　was　so　still；　both　out　of　doors　and　within！　We　were　not　allowed　to　walk　anywhere　except　in　the　yard　or　garden。　I　remember　wondering　whether　it　was　never　Sabbath…day　over　the　fence；　in　the　next　field；　whether　the　field　was　not　a　kind　of　heathen　field；　since　we　could　only　go　into　it　on　week…days。　The　wild　flowers　over　there　were　perhaps　Gentile　blossoms。　Only　the　flowers　in　the　garden　were　well…behaved　Christians。　It　was　Sabbath　in　the　house；　and　possibly　even　on　the　doorstep；　but　not　much　farther。　The　town　itself　was　so　quiet　that　it　scarcely　seemed　to　breathe。　The　sound　of　wheels　was　seldom　heard　in　the　streets　on　that　day；　if　we　heard　it；　we　expected　some　unusual　explanation。

I　liked　to　go　to　meeting；not　wholly　oblivious　to　the　fact　that　going　there　sometimes　implied　wearing　a　new　bonnet　and　my　best　white　dress　and　muslin　〃vandyke；〃　of　which　adornments；　if　very　new；　I　vainly　supposed　the　whole　congregation　to　be　as　admiringly　aware　as　I　was　myself。

But　my　Sabbath…day　enjoyment　was　not　wholly　without　drawbacks。　It　was　so　hard；　sometimes；　to　stand　up　through　the　〃long　prayer；〃　and　to　sit　still　through　the　〃ninthlies；〃　and　〃tenthlies；〃　and　〃finallys〃　of　the　sermon！　It　was　impressed　upon　me　that　good　children　were　never　restless　in　meeting；　and　never　laughed　or　smiled；　however　their　big　brothers　tempted　them　with　winks　or　grimaces。　And　I　did　want　to　be　good。

I　was　not　tall　enough　to　see　very　far　over　the　top　of　the　pew。　I　think　there　were　only　three　persons　that　came　within　range　of　my　eyes。　One　was　a　dark　man　with　black　curly　hair　brushed　down　in　〃bangs〃　over　his　eyebrows；　who　sat　behind　a　green　baize　curtain　near　the　outside　door；　peeping　out　at　me；　as　I　thought。　I　had　an　impression　that　he　was　the　〃tidy…man；〃　though　that　personage　had　become　mythical　long　before　my　day。　He　had　a　dragonish　look；　to　me；　and　I　tried　never　to　meet　his　glance。

But　I　did　sometimes　gaze　more　earnestly　than　was　polite　at　a　dear；　demure　little　lady　who　sat　in　the　corner　of　the　pew　next　ours；　her　downcast　eyes　shaded　by　a　green　calash；　and　her　hidden　right　hand　gently　swaying　a　long…handled　Chinese　fan。　She　was　the　deacon's　wife；　and　I　felt　greatly　interested　in　her　movements　and　in　the　expression　of　her　face；　because　I　thought　she　represented　the　people　they　called　〃saints；〃　who　were；　as　I　supposed；　about　the　same　as　first　cousins　to　the　angels。

The　third　figure　in　sight　was　the　minister。　　I　did　not　think　he　ever　saw　me；　he　was　talking　to　the　older　people；usually　telling　them　how　wicked　they　were。　He　often　said　to　them　that　there　was　not　one　good　person　among　them；　but　I　supposed　he　excepted　himself。　He　seemed　to　me　so　very　good　that　I　was　very　much　afraid　of　him。　I　was　a　little　afraid　of　my　father；　but　then　he　sometimes　played　with　us　children：　and　besides；　my　father　was　only　a　man。　I　thought　the　minister　belonged　to　some　different　order　of　beings。　Up　there　in　the　pulpit　he　seemed　to　me　so　far　offoh！　a　great　deal　farther　off　than　God　did。　His　distance　made　my　reverence　for　him　take　the　form　of　idolatry。　The　pulpit　was　his　pedestal。　If　any　one　had　told　me　that　the　minister　ever　did　or　thought　anything　that　was　wrong；　I　should　have　felt　as　if　the　foundations　of　the　earth　under　me　were　shaken。　I　wondered　if　he　ever　did　laugh。　Perhaps　it　was　wicked　for　a　minister　even　to　smile。

One　day；　when　I　was　very　little；　I　met　the　minister　in　the　street；　and　he；　probably　recognizing　me　as　the　child　of　one　of　his　parishioners；　actually　bowed　to　me！　His　bows　were　always　ministerially　profound；　and　I　was　so　overwhelmed　with　surprise　and　awe　that　I　forgot　to　make　the　proper　response　of　a　〃curtsey；〃　but　ran　home　as　fast　as　I　could　go　to　proclaim　the　wonder。　It　would　not　have　astonished　me　any　more；　if　one　of　the　tall　Lombardy　poplars　that　stood　along　the　sidewalk　had　laid　itself　down　at　my　feet。

I　do　not　remember　anything　that　the　preacher　ever　said；　except　some　words　which　I　thought　sounded　well；such　as　〃dispensations；〃　〃decrees；〃　〃ordinances；〃　〃covenants；〃　although　I　attached　no　meaning　to　them。　He　seemed　to　be　trying　to　explain　the　Bible　by　putting　it　into　long　words。　I　did　not　understand　them　at　all。　It　was　from　Aunt　Hannah　that　I　received　my　first　real　glimpses　of　the　beautiful　New　Testament　revelation。　In　her　unconscious　wisdom　she　chose　for　me　passages　and　chapters　that　were　like　openings　into　heaven。　They　contained　the　great；　deep　truths　which　are　simple　because　they　are　great。　It　was　not　explanations　of　those　grand　words　that　I　required；　or　that　anybody　requires。　In　reading　them　we　are　all　children　together；　and　need　only　to　be　led　to　the　banks　of　the　river　of　God；　which　is　full　of　water；　that　we　may　look　down　into　its　pellucid　depths　for　ourselves。

Our　minister　was　not　unlike　other　ministers　of　the　time；　and　his　seeming　distance　from　his　congregation　was　doubtless　owing　to　the　deep　reverence　in　which　the　ministerial　office　was　universally　held　among　our　predecessors。　My　own　graven…image　worship　of　him　was　only　a　childish　exageration　of　the　general　feeling　of　grown　people　around　me。　He　seemed　to　us　an　inhabitant　of　a　Sabbath…day　sphere；　while　we　belonged　to　the　every…day　world。　I　distinctly　remember　the　day　of　my　christening；　when　I　was　between　three　and　four　years　old。　My　parents　did　not　make　a　public　profession　of　their　faith　until　after　the　birth　of　all　their　children；　eight　of　whomI　being　my　father's　ninth　child　and　seventh　daughterwere　baptized　at　one　time。　My　two　half…sisters　were　then　grown…up　young　women。　My　mother　had　told　us　that　the　minister　would　be　speaking　directly　to　us；　and　that　we　must　pay　close　attention　to　what　he　said。　I　felt　that　it　was　an　important　event；　and　I　wished　to　do　exactly　what　the　minister　desired　of　me。　I　listened　eagerly　while　he　read　the　chapter　and　the　hymn。　The　latter　was　one　of　my　favorites：

〃See　Israel's　gentle　Shepherd　stands；〃

and　the　chapter　was　the　third　of　St。　Matthew；　containing　the　story　of　our　Lord's　baptism。　I　could　not　make　out　any　special　message　for　us；　until　be　came　to　the　words；　〃Whose　fan　is　in　his　hand。〃

That　must　be　it！　I　looked　anxiously　at　my　sisters；　to　see　if　they　had　brought　their　fans。　It　was　warm　weather；　and　I　had　taken　a　little　one　of　my　own　to　meeting。　Believing　that　I　was　following　a　direct　instruction；　I　clasped　my　fan　to　my　bosom　and　held　it　there　as　we　walked　up　the　aisle；　and　during　the　ceremony；　wondering　why　the　others　did　not　do　so；　too。　The　baby　in　my　mother's　armsOctavia；　the　eighth　daughtershocked　me　by　crying　a　little；　but　I　tried　to　behave　the　better　on　that　account。

It　all　seemed　very　solemn　and　mysterious　to　me。　I　knew　from　my　father's　and　mother's　absorbed　manner　then；　and　when　we　returned　from　church；　that　it　was　something　exceedingly　important　to　Themsomething　that　they　wished　us　neither　to　talk　about　nor　to　forget。

I　never　did　forget　it。　There　remained　within　me　a　sweet；　haunting　feeling　of　having　come　near　the　〃gentle　Shepherd〃　of　the　hymn；　who　was　calling　the　lambs　to　his　side。　　The　chapter　had　ended　with　the　echo　of　a　voice　from　heaven；　and　with　the　glimpse　of　a　descending　Dove。　And　the　water…drops　on　my　forehead；　were　they　not　from　that　〃pure　river　of　water　of　life；　clear　as　crystal；〃　that　made　music　through　those　lovely　verses　in　the　last　chapter　of　the　good　Book？

I　am　glad　that　I　have　always　remembered　that　day　of　family　consecration。　As　I　look　back；　it　seems　as　if　the　horizons　of　heaven　and　earth　met　and　were　blended　then。　And　who　can　tell　whether　the　fragrance　of　that　day's　atmosphere　may　not　enter　into　the　freshness　of　some　new　childhood　in　the　life　which　is　to　come？

III。

THE　HYMN…BOOK。

ALMOST　the　first　decided　taste　in　my　life　was　the　love　of　hymns。　Committing　them　to　memory