unconscious comedians-第4章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



writings　on　the　matter；　which；　as　I　think；　approach　it

philosophically；　but　simply　as　a　hatter。　I　have　myself　studied　means

to　accentuate　the　infamous　head…covering　to　which　France　is　now

enslaved　until　I　succeed　in　overthrowing　it。



So　saying　he　pointed　to　the　hideous　hat　in　vogue　at　the　present　day。



〃Behold　the　enemy；　messieurs；〃　he　continued。　〃How　is　it　that　the

wittiest　and　most　satirical　people　on　earth　will　consent　to　wear　upon

their　heads　a　bit　of　stove…pipe？as　one　of　our　great　writers　has

called　it。　Here　are　some　of　the　infections　I　have　been　able　to　give　to

those　atrocious　lines；〃　he　added；　pointing　to　a　number　of　his

creations。　〃But；　although　I　am　able　to　conform　them　to　the　character

of　each　wearerfor；　as　you　see；　there　are　the　hats　of　a　doctor；　a

grocer；　a　dandy；　an　artist；　a　fat　man；　a　thin　man；　and　so　forththe

style　itself　remains　horrible。　Seize；　I　beg　of　you；　my　whole

thought〃



He　took　up　a　hat；　low…crowned　and　wide…brimmed。



〃This；〃　he　continued；　〃is　the　old　hat　of　Claude　Vignon；　a　great

critic；　in　the　days　when　he　was　a　free　man　and　a　free…liver。　He　has

lately　come　round　to　the　ministry；　they've　made　him　a　professor；　a

librarian；　he　writes　now　for　the　Debats　only；　they've　appointed　him

Master　of　Petitions　with　a　salary　of　sixteen　thousand　francs；　he　earns

four　thousand　more　out　of　his　paper；　and　he　is　decorated。　Well；　now

see　his　new　hat。〃



And　Vital　showed　them　a　hat　of　a　form　and　design　which　was　truly

expressive　of　the　juste…milieu。



〃You　ought　to　have　made　him　a　Punch　and　Judy　hat！〃　cried　Gazonal。



〃You　are　a　man　of　genius；　Monsieur　Vital；〃　said　Leon。



Vital　bowed。



〃Would　you　kindly　tell　me　why　the　shops　of　your　trade　in　Paris　remain

open　late　at　night；later　than　the　cafes　and　the　wineshops？　That　fact

puzzles　me　very　much；〃　said　Gazonal。



〃In　the　first　place；　our　shops　are　much　finer　when　lighted　up　than

they　are　in　the　daytime；　next；　where　we　sell　ten　hats　in　the　daytime

we　sell　fifty　at　night。〃



〃Everything　is　queer　in　Paris；〃　said　Leon。



〃Thanks　to　my　efforts　and　my　successes；〃　said　Vital；　returning　to　the

course　of　his　self…laudation；　〃we　are　coming　to　hats　with　round

headpieces。　It　is　to　that　I　tend！〃



〃What　obstacle　is　there？〃　asked　Gazonal。



〃Cheapness；　monsieur。　In　the　first　place；　very　handsome　silk　hats　can

be　built　for　fifteen　francs；　which　kills　our　business；　for　in　Paris　no

one　ever　has　fifteen　francs　in　his　pocket　to　spend　on　a　hat。　If　a

beaver　hat　costs　thirty；　it　is　still　the　same　thing　When　I　say

beaver；　I　ought　to　state　that　there　are　not　ten　pounds　of　beaver　skins

left　in　France。　That　article　is　worth　three　hundred　and　fifty　francs　a

pound；　and　it　takes　an　ounce　for　a　hat。　Besides；　a　beaver　hat　isn't

really　worth　anything；　the　skin　takes　a　wretched　dye；　gets　rusty　in

ten　minutes　under　the　sun；　and　heat　puts　it　out　of　shape　as　well。　What

we　call　'beaver'　in　the　trade　is　neither　more　nor　less　than　hare's…

skin。　The　best　qualities　are　made　from　the　back　of　the　animal；　the

second　from　the　sides；　the　third　from　the　belly。　I　confide　to　you

these　trade　secrets　because　you　are　men　of　honor。　But　whether　a　man

has　hare's…skin　or　silk　on　his　head；　fifteen　or　thirty　francs　in

short；　the　problem　is　always　insoluble。　Hats　must　be　paid　for　in　cash；

and　that　is　why　the　hat　remains　what　it　is。　The　honor　of　vestural

France　will　be　saved　on　the　day　that　gray　hats　with　round　crowns　can

be　made　to　cost　a　hundred　francs。　We　could　then；　like　the　tailors；

give　credit。　To　reach　that　result　men　must　resolve　to　wear　buckles；

gold　lace；　plumes；　and　the　brims　lined　with　satin；　as　in　the　days　of

Louis　XIII。　and　Louis　XIV。　Our　business；　which　would　then　enter　the

domain　of　fancy；　would　increase　tenfold。　The　markets　of　the　world

should　belong　to　France；　Paris　will　forever　give　the　tone　to　women's

fashions；　and　yet　the　hats　which　all　Frenchmen　wear　to…day　are　made　in

every　country　on　earth！　There　are　ten　millions　of　foreign　money　to　be

gained　annually　for　France　in　that　question〃



〃A　revolution！〃　cried　Bixiou；　pretending　enthusiasm。



〃Yes；　and　a　radical　one；　for　the　form　must　be　changed。〃



〃You　are　happy　after　the　manner　of　Luther　in　dreaming　of　reform；〃　said

Leon。



〃Yes；　monsieur。　Ah！　if　a　dozen　or　fifteen　artists；　capitalists；　or

dandies　who　set　the　tone　would　only　have　courage　for　twenty…four　hours

France　would　gain　a　splendid　commercial　battle！　To　succeed　in　this

reform　I　would　give　my　whole　fortune！　Yes；　my　sole　ambition　is　to

regenerate　the　hat　and　disappear。〃



〃The　man　is　colossal；〃　said　Gazonal；　as　they　left　the　shop；　〃but　I

assure　you　that　all　your　originals　so　far　have　a　touch　of　the

Southerner　about　them。〃



〃Let　us　go　this　way；〃　said　Bixiou　pointing　to　the　rue　Saint…Marc。



〃Do　you　want　to　show　me　something　else？〃



〃Yes；　you　shall　see　the　usuress　of　rats；　marcheuses　and　great　ladies；

a　woman　who　possesses　more　terrible　secrets　than　there　are　gowns

hanging　in　her　window；〃　said　Bixiou。



And　he　showed　Gazonal　one　of　those　untidy　shops　which　made　an　ugly

stain　in　the　midst　of　the　dazzling　show…windows　of　modern　retail

commerce。　This　shop　had　a　front　painted　in　1820；　which　some　bankrupt

had　doubtless　left　in　a　dilapidated　condition。　The　color　had

disappeared　beneath　a　double　coating　of　dirt；　the　result　of　usage；　and

a　thick　layer　of　dust；　the　window…panes　were　filthy；　the　door…knob

turned　of　itself；　as　door…knobs　do　in　all　places　where　people　go　out

more　quickly　than　they　enter。



〃What　do　you　say　of　THAT？　First　cousin　to　Death；　isn't　she？〃　said　Leon

in　Gazonal's　ear；　showing　him；　at　the　desk；　a　terrible　individual。

〃Well；　she　calls　herself　Madame　Nourrisson。〃



〃Madame；　how　much　is　this　guipure？〃　asked　the　manufacturer；　intending

to　compete　in　liveliness　with　the　two　artists。



〃To　you；　monsieur；　who　come　from　the　country；　it　will　be　only　three

hundred　francs；〃　she　replied。　Then；　remarking　in　his　manner　a　sort　of

eagerness　peculiar　to　Southerners；　she　added；　in　a　grieved　tone；　〃It

formerly　belonged　to　that　poor　Princess　de　Lamballe。〃



〃What！　do　you　dare　exhibit　it　so　near　the　palace？〃　cried　Bixiou。



〃Monsieur；　THEY　don't　believe　in　it；〃　she　replied。



〃Madame；　we　have　not　come　to　make　purchases；〃　said　Bixiou；　with　a　show

of　frankness。



〃So　I　see；　monsieur；〃　returned　Madame　Nourrisson。



〃We　have　several　things　to　sell；〃　said　the　illustrious　caricaturist。

〃I　live　close　by；　rue　de　Richelieu；　112；　sixth　floor。　If　you　will　come

round　there　for　a　moment；　you　may　perhaps　make　some　good　bargains。〃



Ten　minutes　later　Madame　Nourrisson　did　in　fact　present　herself　at

Bixiou's　lodgings；　where　by　that　time　he　had　taken　Leon　and　Gazonal。

Madame　Nourrisson　found　them　all　three　as　serious　as　authors　whose

collaboration　does　not　meet　with　the　success　it　deserves。



〃Madame；〃　said　the　intrepid　hoaxer；　showing　her　a　pair　of　women's

slippers；　〃these　belonged　formerly　to　the　Empress　Josephine。〃



He　felt　it　incumbent　on　him　to　return　change　for　the　Prince　de

Lamballe。



〃Those！〃　she　exclaimed；　〃they　were　made　this　year；　look　at　the　mark。〃



〃Don't　you　perceive　that　the　slippers　are　only　by　way　of　preface？〃

said　Leon；　〃though；　to　be　sure；　they　are　usually　the　conclusion　of　a

tale。〃



〃My　friend　here；〃　said　Bixiou；　motioning　to　Gazonal；　〃has　an　immense

family　interest　in　ascertaining　whether　a　young　lady　of　a　good　and

wealthy　house；　whom　he　wishes　to　marry；　has　ever　gone　wrong。〃



〃How　much　will　monsieur　give　for　the　information；〃　she　asked；　looking

at　Gazonal；　who　was　no　longer　surprised　by　anything。



〃One　hundred　francs；〃　he　said。



〃No；　thank　you！〃　she　said　with　a　grimace　of　refusal　worthy　of　a　macaw。



〃Then　say　how　much　you　want；　my　little　Madame　Nourrisson；〃　cried

Bixiou　catching　her　round　the　waist。



〃In　the　first　place；　my　dear　gentlemen；　I　have　never；　since　I've　been

in　the　business；　found　man　or　woman　to　haggle　over　happiness。

Besides；〃　she　said；　letting　a　cold　smile　flicker　on　her　lips；　and

enforcing　it　by　an　icy　glance　full　of　catlike　distrust；　〃if　it　doesn't

concern　your　happiness；　it　concerns　your　fortune；　and　at　the　height

where　I　find　you　lodging　no　man　haggles　over　a　'dot'　Come；〃　she

said；　〃out　with　it！　What　is　it　you　want　to　know；　my　lambs？〃



〃About　the　Beunier　family；〃　replied　Bixiou；　very　glad　to　find　out

something　in　this　indirect　manner　about　persons　in　whom　he　was

interested。



〃Oh！　as　for　that；〃　she　said；　〃one　louis　is　quite　enough。〃



〃Why？〃



〃Because　I　hold　all　the　mother's　jewels　and　she's　on　tenter…hooks

every　three　months；　I　can　tell　you！　It　is　hard　work　for　her　to　pay　the

interest　on　what　I've　lent　her。　Do　you　want　to　marry　there；

simpleton？〃　she　added；　addressing　Gazonal；　〃then　pay　me　forty　francs

and　I'll　talk　four　hundred　worth。〃



Gazonal　produced　a　forty…franc　gold…piece；　and　Madame　Nourrisson　gave

him　startling　details　as　to　the　secret　penury　of　certain　so…called

fashionable　women。　This　dealer　in　cast…off　clothes；　getting　lively　as

she　talked；　pictured　herself　unconsciously　while　telling　of　others。

Without　betraying　a　single　name　or　any　secret；　she　made　the　three　men

shudder　by　proving　to　them　how　little　so…called　happiness　existed　in

Paris　that　did　not　rest　on　the　vacillating　foundation　of　borrowed

money。　She　possessed；　laid　away　in　her　drawers；　the　secrets　of

departed　grandmothers；　living　children；　deceased　husbands；　dead

granddaughters；memories　set　in　gold　and　diamonds。　She　learned

appalling　stories　by　making　her　clients　talk　of　one　another；　tearing

their　secrets　from　them　in　moments　of　passion；　of　quarrels；　of　anger；

and　during　those　cooler　negotiations　which　need　a　loan　to　settle

difficulties。



〃Why　were　you　ever　induced　to　take　up　such　a　business？〃　asked　Gazonal。



〃For　my　son's　sake；〃　she　said　naively。



Such　women　almost　invariably　justify　their　trade　by　alleging　noble

motives。　Madame　Nourrisson　posed　as　having　lost　several　opportunities

for　marriage；　also　three　daughters　who　had　gone　to　the　bad；　and　all

her　illusions。　She　showed　the　pawn…tickets　of　the　Mont…de…Piete　to

prove　the　risks　her　business　ran；　declared　that　she　did　not　know　how

to　meet　the　〃end　of　the　month〃；　she　was　robbed；　she　said；ROBBED。



The　two　artists　looked　at　each　other　on　hearing　that　expression；　which

seemed　exaggerated。



〃Look　here；　my　sons；　I'll　show　you　how　we　are　DONE。　It　is　not　about

myself；　but　about　my　opposite　neighbour；　Madame　Mahuchet；　a　ladies'

shoemaker。　I　had　loaned　money　to　a　countess；　a　woman　who　has　too　many

passions　for　her　means；lives　in　a　fine　apartment　filled　with

splendid　furniture；　and　makes；　as　we　say；　a　devil　of　a　show　with　her

high　and　mighty　airs。　She　owed　three　hundred　francs　to　her　shoemaker；

and　was　giving　a　dinner　no　later　than　yesterday。　The　shoemaker；　who

heard　of　the　dinner　from　the　cook；　came　to　see　me；　we　got　excited；　and

she　wanted　to　make　a　row