unconscious comedians-第7章

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patronymics　attacked　by　the　Cabot　evil　are　wont　to　hide。　All　the

successors　of　Cabot　have　called　themselves　Marius。　The　present　Marius

is　Marius　V。；　his　real　name　is　Mongin。　This　occurs　in　various　other

trades；　for　'Botot　water；'　and　for　'Little…Virtue'　ink。　Names　become

commercial　property　in　Paris；　and　have　ended　by　constituting　a　sort　of

ensign　of　nobility。　The　present　Marius；　who　takes　pupils；　has　created；

he　says；　the　leading　school　of　hair…dressing　in　the　world。



〃I've　seen；　in　coming　through　France；〃　said　Gazonal；　〃a　great　many

signs　bearing　the　words：　'Such　a　one；　pupil　of　Marius。'〃



〃His　pupils　have　to　wash　their　hands　after　every　head；〃　said　Bixiou；

〃but　Marius　does　not　take　them　indifferently；　they　must　have　nice

hands；　and　not　be　ill…looking。　The　most　remarkable　for　manners；

appearance；　and　elocution　are　sent　out　to　dress　heads；　and　they　come

back　tired　to　death。　Marius　himself　never　turns　out　except　for　titled

women；　he　drives　his　cabriolet　and　has　a　groom。〃



〃But；　after　all；　he　is　nothing　but　a　barber！〃　cried　Gazonal；　somewhat

shocked。



〃Barber！〃　exclaimed　Bixiou；　〃please　remember　that　he　is　captain　in　the

National　Guard；　and　is　decorated　for　being　the　first　to　spring　into　a

barricade　in　1832。〃



〃And　take　care　what　you　say　to　him：　he　is　neither　barber；　hair…

dresser；　nor　wig…maker；　he　is　a　director　of　salons　for　hair…dressing；〃

said　Leon；　as　they　went　up　a　staircase　with　crystal　balusters　and

mahogany　rail；　the　steps　of　which　were　covered　with　a　sumptuous

carpet。



〃Ah　ca！　mind　you　don't　compromise　us；〃　said　Bixiou。　〃In　the

antechamber　you'll　see　lacqueys　who　will　take　off　your　coat；　and　seize

your　hat；　to　brush　them；　and　they'll　accompany　you　to　the　door　of　the

salons　to　open　and　shut　it。　I　mention　this；　friend　Gazonal；〃　added

Bixiou；　slyly；　〃lest　you　might　think　they　were　after　your　property；

and　cry　'Stop　thief！'〃



〃These　salons；〃　said　Leon；　〃are　three　boudoirs　where　the　director　has

collected　all　the　inventions　of　modern　luxury：　lambrequins　to　the

windows；　jardinieres　everywhere；　downy　divans　where　each　customer　can

wait　his　turn　and　read　the　newspapers。　You　might　suppose；　when　you

first　go　in；　that　five　francs　would　be　the　least　they'd　get　out　of

your　waistcoat　pocket；　but　nothing　is　ever　extracted　beyond　ten　sous

for　combing　and　frizzing　your　hair；　or　twenty　sous　for　cutting　and

frizzing。　Elegant　dressing…tables　stand　about　among　the　jardinieres；

water　is　laid　on　to　the　washstands；　enormous　mirrors　reproduce　the

whole　figure。　Therefore　don't　look　astonished。　When　the　client　（that's

the　elegant　word　substituted　by　Marius　for　the　ignoble　word　customer）；

when　the　client　appears　at　the　door；　Marius　gives　him　a　glance　which

appraises　him：　to　Marius　you　are　a　HEAD；　more　or　less　susceptible　of

occupying　his　mind。　To　him　there's　no　mankind；　there　are　only　heads。〃



〃We　let　you　hear　Marius　on　all　the　notes　of　his　scale；〃　said　Bixiou；

〃and　you　know　how　to　follow　our　lead。〃



As　soon　as　Gazonal　showed　himself；　the　glance　was　given；　and　was

evidently　favourable；　for　Marius　exclaimed：　〃Regulus！　yours　this　head！

Prepare　it　first　with　the　little　scissors。〃



〃Excuse　me；〃　said　Gazonal　to　the　pupil；　at　a　sign　from　Bixiou。　〃I

prefer　to　have　my　head　dressed　by　Monsieur　Marius　himself。〃



Marius；　much　flattered　by　this　demand；　advanced；　leaving　the　head　on

which　he　was　engaged。



〃I　am　with　you　in　a　moment；　I　am　just　finishing。　Pray　have　no

uneasiness；　my　pupil　will　prepare　you；　I　alone　will　decide　the　cut。〃



Marius；　a　slim　little　man；　his　hair　frizzed　like　that　of　Rubini；　and

jet　black；　dressed　also　in　black；　with　long　white　cuffs；　and　the　frill

of　his　shirt　adorned　with　a　diamond；　now　saw　Bixiou；　to　whom　he　bowed

as　to　a　power　the　equal　of　his　own。



〃That　is　only　an　ordinary　head；〃　he　said　to　Leon；　pointing　to　the

person　on　whom　he　was　operating；〃a　grocer；　or　something　of　that

kind。　But　if　we　devoted　ourselves　to　art　only；　we　should　lie　in

Bicetre；　mad！〃　and　he　turned　back　with　an　inimitable　gesture　to　his

client；　after　saying　to　Regulus；　〃Prepare　monsieur；　he　is　evidently　an

artist。〃



〃A　journalist；〃　said　Bixiou。



Hearing　that　word；　Marius　gave　two　or　three　strokes　of　the　comb　to　the

ordinary　head　and　flung　himself　upon　Gazonal；　taking　Regulus　by　the

arm　at　the　instant　that　the　pupil　was　about　to　begin　the　operation　of

the　little　scissors。



〃I　will　take　charge　of　monsieur。　Look；　monsieur；〃　he　said　to　the

grocer；　〃reflect　yourself　in　the　great　mirrorif　the　mirror　permits。

Ossian！〃



A　lacquey　entered；　and　took　hold　of　the　client　to　dress　him。



〃You　pay　at　the　desk；　monsieur；〃　said　Marius　to　the　stupefied　grocer；

who　was　pulling　out　his　purse。



〃Is　there　any　use；　my　dear　fellow；〃　said　Bixiou；　〃in　going　through

this　operation　of　the　little　scissors？〃



〃No　head　ever　comes　to　me　uncleansed；〃　replied　the　illustrious　hair…

dresser；　〃but　for　your　sake；　I　will　do　that　of　monsieur　myself；

wholly。　My　pupils　sketch　out　the　scheme；　or　my　strength　would　not　hold

out。　Every　one　says　as　you　do：　'Dressed　by　Marius！'　Therefore；　I　can

give　only　the　finishing　strokes。　What　journal　is　monsieur　on？〃



〃If　I　were　you；　I　should　keep　three　or　four　Mariuses；〃　said　Gazonal。



〃Ah！　monsieur；　I　see；　is　a　feuilletonist；〃　said　Marius。　〃Alas！　in

dressing　heads　which　expose　us　to　notice　it　is　impossible。　Excuse　me！〃



He　left　Gazonal　to　overlook　Regulus；　who　was　〃preparing〃　a　newly

arrived　head。　Tapping　his　tongue　against　his　palate；　he　made　a

disapproving　noise；　which　may　perhaps　be　written　down　as　〃titt；　titt；

titt。〃



〃There；　there！　good　heavens！　that　cut　is　not　square；　your　scissors　are

hacking　it。　Here！　see　there！　Regulus；　you　are　not　clipping　poodles；

these　are　menwho　have　a　character；　if　you　continue　to　look　at　the

ceiling　instead　of　looking　only　between　the　glass　and　the　head；　you

will　dishonor　my　house。〃



〃You　are　stern；　Monsieur　Marius。〃



〃I　owe　them　the　secrets　of　my　art。〃



〃Then　it　is　an　art？〃　said　Gazonal。



Marius；　affronted；　looked　at　Gazonal　in　the　glass；　and　stopped　short；

the　scissors　in　one　hand；　the　comb　in　the　other。



〃Monsieur；　you　speak　like　achild！　and　yet；　from　your　accent；　I　judge

you　are　from　the　South；　the　birthplace　of　men　of　genius。〃



〃Yes；　I　know　that　hair…dressing　requires　some　taste；〃　replied　Gazonal。



〃Hush；　monsieur；　hush！　I　expected　better　things　of　YOU。　Let　me　tell

you　that　a　hair…dresser；I　don't　say　a　good　hair…dresser；　for　a　man

is；　or　he　is　not；　a　hair…dresser；a　hair…dresser；　I　repeat；　is　more

difficult　to　find　thanwhat　shall　I　say？　thanI　don't　know　whata

minister？（Sit　still！）　No；　for　you　can't　judge　by　ministers；　the

streets　are　full　of　them。　A　Paganini？　No；　he's　not　great　enough。　A

hair…dresser；　monsieur；　a　man　who　divines　your　soul　and　your　habits；

in　order　to　dress　your　hair　conformably　with　your　being；　that　man　has

all　that　constitutes　a　philosopherand　such　he　is。　See　the　women！

Women　appreciate　us；　they　know　our　value；　our　value　to　them　is　the

conquest　they　make　when　they　have　placed　their　heads　in　our　hands　to

attain　a　triumph。　I　say　to　you　that　a　hair…dresserthe　world　does　not

know　what　he　is。　I　who　speak　to　you；　I　am　very　nearly　all　that　there

is　ofwithout　boasting　I　may　say　I　am　knownStill；　I　think　more

might　be　doneThe　execution；　that　is　everything！　Ah！　if　women　would

only　give　me　carte　blanche！if　I　might　only　execute　the　ideas　that

come　to　me！　I　have；　you　see；　a　hell　of　imagination！but　the　women

don't　fall　in　with　it；　they　have　their　own　plans；　they'll　stick　their

fingers　or　combs；　as　soon　as　my　back　is　turned；　through　the　most

delicious　edificeswhich　ought　to　be　engraved　and　perpetuated；　for

our　works；　monsieur；　last　unfortunately　but　a　few　hours。　A　great

hair…dresser；　hey！　he's　like　Careme　and　Vestris　in　their　careers。

（Head　a　little　this　way；　if　you　please；　SO；　I　attend　particularly　to

front　faces！）　Our　profession　is　ruined　by　bunglers　who　understand

neither　the　epoch　nor　their　art。　There　are　dealers　in　wigs　and

essences　who　are　enough　to　make　one's　hair　stand　on　end；　they　care

only　to　sell　you　bottles。　It　is　pitiable！　But　that's　business。　Such

poor　wretches　cut　hair　and　dress　it　as　they　can。　I；　when　I　arrived　in

Paris　from　Toulouse；　my　ambition　was　to　succeed　the　great　Marius；　to

be　a　true　Marius；　to　make　that　name　illustrious。　I　alone；　more　than

all　the　four　others；　I　said　to　myself；　'I　will　conquer；　or　die。'

（There！　now　sit　straight；　I　am　going　to　finish　you。）　I　was　the　first

to　introduce　ELEGANCE；　I　made　my　salons　the　object　of　curiosity。　I

disdain　advertisements；　what　advertisements　would　have　cost；　monsieur；

I　put　into　elegance；　charm；　comfort。　Next　year　I　shall　have　a

quartette　in　one　of　the　salons　to　discourse　music；　and　of　the　best。

Yes；　we　ought　to　charm　away　the　ennui　of　those　whose　heads　we　dress。　I

do　not　conceal　from　myself　the　annoyances　to　a　client。　（Look　at

yourself！）　To　have　one's　hair　dressed　is　fatiguing；　perhaps　as　much　so

as　posing　for　one's　portrait。　Monsieur　knows　perhaps　that　the　famous

Monsieur　Humbolt　（I　did　the　best　I　could　with　the　few　hairs　America

left　himscience　has　this　in　common　with　savages；　that　she　scalps　her

men　clean）；　that　illustrious　savant；　said　that　next　to　the　suffering

of　going　to　be　hanged　was　that　of　going　to　be　painted；　but　I　place　the

trial　of　having　your　head　dressed　before　that　of　being　painted；　and　so

do　certain　women。　Well；　monsieur；　my　object　is　to　make　those　who　come

here　to　have　their　hair　cut　or　frizzed　enjoy　themselves。　（Hold　still；

you　have　a　tuft　which　MUST　be　conquered。）　A　Jew　proposed　to　supply　me

with　Italian　cantatrices　who；　during　the　interludes；　were　to　depilate

the　young　men　of　forty；　but　they　proved　to　be　girls　from　the

Conservatoire；　and　music…teachers　from　the　Rue　Montmartre。　There　you

are；　monsieur；　your　head　is　dressed　as　that　of　a　man　of　talent　ought

to　be。　Ossian；〃　he　said　to　the　lacquey　in　livery；　〃dress　monsieur　and

show　him　out。　Whose　turn　next？〃　he　added　proudly；　gazing　round　upon

the　persons　who　awaited　him。



〃Don't　laugh；　Gazonal；〃　said　Leon　as　they　reached　the　foot　of　the

staircase；　whence　his　eye　could　take　in　the　whole　of　the　Place　de　la

Bourse。　〃I　see　over　there　one　of　our　great　men；　and　you　shall　compare

his　language　with　that　of　the　barber；　and　tell　me　which　of　the　two　you

think　the　most　original。〃



〃Don't　laugh；　Gazonal；〃　said　Bixiou；　mimicking　Leon's　intonation。

〃What　do　you　suppose　is　Marius's　business？〃



〃Hair…dressing。〃



〃He　has　obtained　a　monopoly　of　the　sale　of　hair　in　bulk；　as　a　certain

dealer　in　comestibles　who　is　going　to　sell　us　a　pate　for　three　francs

has　acquired　a　monopoly　of　the　sale　of　truffles；　he　discounts　the

paper　of　that　business；　he　loans　money　on　pawn　to　clients　when

embarrassed；　he　gives　annuities　on　lives；　he　gambles　at　the　Bourse；　he

is　a　stockholder　in　all　the　fashion　papers；　and　he　sells；　under　the

name　o