the moon and sixpence(月球和六便士)-第11章
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appetite of youth and he of a hardened conscience。 Then we went to a
tavern to have coffee and liqueurs。
I had said all I had to say on the subject that had brought me to Paris；
and though I felt it in a manner treacherous to Mrs。 Strickland not to
pursue it； I could not struggle against his indifference。 It requires the
feminine temperament to repeat the same thing three times with unabated
zest。 I solaced myself by thinking that it would be useful for me to find
out what I could about Strickland's state of mind。 It also interested me
much more。 But this was not an easy thing to do； for Strickland was not
a fluent talker。 He seemed to express himself with difficulty； as though
words were not the medium with which his mind worked； and you had to
guess the intentions of his soul by hackneyed phrases； slang； and vague；
unfinished gestures。 But though he said nothing of any consequence；
there was something in his personality which prevented him from being
dull。 Perhaps it was sincerity。 He did not seem to care much about the
Paris he was now seeing for the first time （I did not count the visit with his
wife）； and he accepted sights which must have been strange to him
without any sense of astonishment。 I have been to Paris a hundred times；
and it never fails to give me a thrill of excitement； I can never walk its
streets without feeling myself on the verge of adventure。 Strickland
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remained placid。 Looking back； I think now that he was blind to
everything but to some disturbing vision in his soul。
One rather absurd incident took place。 There were a number of
harlots in the tavern： some were sitting with men； others by themselves；
and presently I noticed that one of these was looking at us。 When she
caught Strickland's eye she smiled。 I do not think he saw her。 In a little
while she went out； but in a minute returned and； passing our table； very
politely asked us to buy her something to drink。 She sat down and I
began to chat with her； but； it was plain that her interest was in Strickland。
I explained that he knew no more than two words of French。 She tried to
talk to him； partly by signs； partly in pidgin French； which； for some
reason； she thought would be more comprehensible to him； and she had
half a dozen phrases of English。 She made me translate what she could
only express in her own tongue； and eagerly asked for the meaning of his
replies。 He was quite good…tempered； a little amused； but his
indifference was obvious。
〃I think you've made a conquest；〃 I laughed。
〃I'm not flattered。〃
In his place I should have been more embarrassed and less calm。 She
had laughing eyes and a most charming mouth。 She was young。 I
wondered what she found so attractive in Strickland。 She made no secret
of her desires； and I was bidden to translate。
〃She wants you to go home with her。〃
〃I'm not taking any；〃 he replied。
I put his answer as pleasantly as I could。 It seemed to me a little
ungracious to decline an invitation of that sort； and I ascribed his refusal to
lack of money。
〃But I like him；〃 she said。 〃Tell him it's for love。〃
When I translated this； Strickland shrugged his shoulders impatiently。
〃Tell her to go to hell；〃 he said。
His manner made his answer quite plain； and the girl threw back her
head with a sudden gesture。 Perhaps she reddened under her paint。 She
rose to her feet。
she said。
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She walked out of the inn。 I was slightly vexed。
〃There wasn't any need to insult her that I can see；〃 I said。 〃After all； it
was rather a compliment she was paying you。〃
〃That sort of thing makes me sick；〃 he said roughly。
I looked at him curiously。 There was a real distaste in his face； and
yet it was the face of a coarse and sensual man。 I suppose the girl had been
attracted by a certain brutality in it。
I could have got all the women I wanted in London。 I didn't come
here for that。〃
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Chapter XIV
During the journey back to England I thought much of Strickland。 I
tried to set in order what I had to tell his wife。 It was unsatisfactory； and I
could not imagine that she would be content with me； I was not content
with myself。 Strickland perplexed me。 I could not understand his
motives。 When I had asked him what first gave him the idea of being a
painter； he was unable or unwilling to tell me。 I could make nothing of it。
I tried to persuade myself than an obscure feeling of revolt had been
gradually coming to a head in his slow mind； but to challenge this was the
undoubted fact that he had never shown any impatience with the
monotony of his life。 If； seized by an intolerable boredom； he had
determined to be a painter merely to break with irksome ties； it would
have been comprehensible； and commonplace； but commonplace is
precisely what I felt he was not。 At last； because I was romantic； I
devised an explanation which I acknowledged to be far…fetched； but which
was the only one that in any way satisfied me。 It was this： I asked
myself whether there was not in his soul some deep…rooted instinct of
creation； which the circumstances of his life had obscured； but which grew
relentlessly； as a cancer may grow in the living tissues； till at last it took
possession of his whole being and forced him irresistibly to action。 The
cuckoo lays its egg in the strange bird's nest； and when the young one is
hatched it shoulders its foster…brothers out and breaks at last the nest that
has sheltered it。
But how strange it was that the creative instinct should seize upon this
dull stockbroker； to his own ruin； perhaps； and to the misfortune of such as
were dependent on him； and yet no stranger than the way in which the
spirit of God has seized men； powerful and rich； pursuing them with
stubborn vigilance till at last； conquered； they have abandoned the joy of
the world and the love of women for the painful austerities of the cloister。
Conversion may come under many shapes； and it may be brought about in
many ways。 With some men it needs a cataclysm； as a stone may be
broken to fragments by the fury of a torrent； but with some it comes
gradually； as a stone may be worn away by the ceaseless fall of a drop of
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water。 Strickland had the directness of the fanatic and the ferocity of the
apostle。
But to my practical mind it remained to be seen whether the passion
which obsessed him would be justified of its works。 When I asked him
what his brother…students at the night classes he had attended in London
thought of his painting； he answered with a grin：
〃They thought it a joke。〃
〃Have you begun to go to a studio here？〃
〃Yes。 The blighter came round this morning the master； you know；
when he saw my drawing he just raised his eyebrows and walked on。〃
Strickland chuckled。 He did not seem discouraged。 He was
independent of the opinion of his fellows。
And it was just that which had most disconcerted me in my dealings
with him。 When people say they do not care what others think of them；
for the most part they deceive themselves。 Generally they mean only that
they will do as they choose； in the confidence that no one will know their
vagaries； and at the utmost only that they are willing to act contrary to the
opinion of the majority because they are supported by the approval of their
neighbours。 It is not difficult to be unconventional in the eyes of the
world when your unconventionality is but the convention of your set。 It
affords you then an inordinate amount of self…esteem。 You have the self…
satisfaction of courage without the inconvenience of danger。 But the
desire for approbation is perhaps the most deeply seated instinct of
civilised man。 No one runs so hurriedly to the cover of respectability as
the unconventional woman who has exposed herself to the slings and
arrows of outraged propriety。 I do not believe the people who tell me
they do not care a row of pins for the opinion of their fellows。 It is the
bravado of ignorance。 They mean only that they do not fear reproaches
for peccadillos which they are convinced none will discover。
But here was a man who sincerely did not mind what people thought
of him； and so convention had no hold on him； he was like a wrestler
whose body is oiled； you could not get a grip on him； it gave him a
freedom which was an outrage。 I remember saying to him：
〃Look here； if everyone acted like you； the world couldn't go on。〃
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〃That's a damned silly thing to say。 Everyone doesn't want to act like
me。 The great majority are perfectly content to do the ordinary thing。〃
And once I sought to be satirical。
〃You evidently don't believe in the maxim： Act so that every one of
your actions is capable of being made into a universal rule。〃
〃I never heard it before； but it's rotten nonsen
