louis lambert-第16章

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　　him　believe　in　happiness；　but　it　is　your　prerogative　to　reject　the
　　truest　passion　if　it　is　not　in　harmony　with　the　vague　voices　in
　　your　heartthat　I　know。　If　my　lot；　as　decided　by　you；　must　be
　　adverse　to　my　hopes；　mademoiselle；　let　me　appeal　to　the　delicacy
　　of　your　maiden　soul　and　the　ingenuous　compassion　of　a　woman　to
　　burn　my　letter。　On　my　knees　I　beseech　you　to　forget　all！　Do　not
　　mock　at　a　feeling　that　is　wholly　respectful；　and　that　is　too
　　deeply　graven　on　my　heart　ever　to　be　effaced。　Break　my　heart；　but
　　do　not　rend　it！　Let　the　expression　of　my　first　love；　a　pure　and
　　youthful　love；　be　lost　in　your　pure　and　youthful　heart！　Let　it　die
　　there　as　a　prayer　rises　up　to　die　in　the　bosom　of　God！

　　〃I　owe　you　much　gratitude：　I　have　spent　delicious　hours　occupied
　　in　watching　you；　and　giving　myself　up　to　the　faint　dreams　of　my
　　life；　do　not　crush　these　long　but　transient　joys　by　some　girlish
　　irony。　Be　satisfied　not　to　answer　me。　I　shall　know　how　to
　　interpret　your　silence；　you　will　see　me　no　more。　If　I　must　be
　　condemned　to　know　for　ever　what　happiness　means；　and　to　be　for
　　ever　bereft　of　it；　if；　like　a　banished　angel；　I　am　to　cherish　the
　　sense　of　celestial　joys　while　bound　for　ever　to　a　world　of　sorrow
　　well；　I　can　keep　the　secret　of　my　love　as　well　as　that　of　my
　　griefs。And　farewell！

　　〃Yes；　I　resign　you　to　God；　to　whom　I　will　pray　for　you；　beseeching
　　Him　to　grant　you　a　happy　life；　for　even　if　I　am　driven　from　your
　　heart；　into　which　I　have　crept　by　stealth；　still　I　shall　ever　be
　　near　you。　Otherwise；　of　what　value　would　the　sacred　words　be　of
　　this　letter；　my　first　and　perhaps　my　last　entreaty？　If　I　should
　　ever　cease　to　think　of　you；　to　love　you　whether　in　happiness　or　in
　　woe；　should　I　not　deserve　my　punishment？〃



II

　　〃You　are　not　going　away！　And　I　am　loved！　I；　a　poor；　insignificant
　　creature！　My　beloved　Pauline；　you　do　not　yourself　know　the　power
　　of　the　look　I　believe　in；　the　look　you　gave　me　to　tell　me　that　you
　　had　chosen　meyou　so　young　and　lovely；　with　the　world　at　your
　　feet！

　　〃To　enable　you　to　understand　my　happiness；　I　should　have　to　give
　　you　a　history　of　my　life。　If　you　had　rejected　me；　all　was　over　for
　　me。　I　have　suffered　too　much。　Yes；　my　love　for　you；　my　comforting
　　and　stupendous　love；　was　a　last　effort　of　yearning　for　the
　　happiness　my　soul　strove　to　reacha　soul　crushed　by　fruitless
　　labor；　consumed　by　fears　that　make　me　doubt　myself；　eaten　into　by
　　despair　which　has　often　urged　me　to　die。　No　one　in　the　world　can
　　conceive　of　the　terrors　my　fateful　imagination　inflicts　on　me。　It
　　often　bears　me　up　to　the　sky；　and　suddenly　flings　me　to　earth
　　again　from　prodigious　heights。　Deep…seated　rushes　of　power；　or
　　some　rare　and　subtle　instance　of　peculiar　lucidity；　assure　me　now
　　and　then　that　I　am　capable　of　great　things。　Then　I　embrace　the
　　universe　in　my　mind；　I　knead；　shape　it；　inform　it；　I　comprehend　it
　　or　fancy　that　I　do；　then　suddenly　I　awakealone；　sunk　in
　　blackest　night；　helpless　and　weak；　I　forget　the　light　I　saw　but
　　now；　I　find　no　succor；　above　all；　there　is　no　heart　where　I　may
　　take　refuge。

　　〃This　distress　of　my　inner　life　affects　my　physical　existence。　The
　　nature　of　my　character　gives　me　over　to　the　raptures　of　happiness
　　as　defenceless　as　when　the　fearful　light　of　reflection　comes　to
　　analyze　and　demolish　them。　Gifted　as　I　am　with　the　melancholy
　　faculty　of　seeing　obstacles　and　success　with　equal　clearness；
　　according　to　the　mood　of　the　moment；　I　am　happy　or　miserable　by
　　turns。

　　〃Thus；　when　I　first　met　you；　I　felt　the　presence　of　an　angelic
　　nature；　I　breathed　an　air　that　was　sweet　to　my　burning　breast；　I
　　heard　in　my　soul　the　voice　that　never　can　be　false；　telling　me
　　that　here　was　happiness；　but　perceiving　all　the　barriers　that
　　divided　us；　I　understood　the　vastness　of　their　pettiness；　and
　　these　difficulties　terrified　me　more　than　the　prospect　of
　　happiness　could　delight　me。　At　once　I　felt　the　awful　reaction
　　which　casts　my　expansive　soul　back　on　itself；　the　smile　you　had
　　brought　to　my　lips　suddenly　turned　to　a　bitter　grimace；　and　I
　　could　only　strive　to　keep　calm；　while　my　soul　was　boiling　with　the
　　turmoil　of　contradictory　emotions。　In　short；　I　experienced　that
　　gnawing　pang　to　which　twenty…three　years　of　suppressed　sighs　and
　　betrayed　affections　have　not　inured　me。

　　〃Well；　Pauline；　the　look　by　which　you　promised　that　I　should　be
　　happy　suddenly　warmed　my　vitality；　and　turned　all　my　sorrows　into
　　joy。　Now；　I　could　wish　that　I　had　suffered　more。　My　love　is
　　suddenly　full…grown。　My　soul　was　a　wide　territory　that　lacked　the
　　blessing　of　sunshine；　and　your　eyes　have　shed　light　on　it。　Beloved
　　providence！　you　will　be　all　in　all　to　me；　orphan　as　I　am；　without
　　a　relation　but　my　uncle。　You　will　be　my　whole　family；　as　you　are
　　my　whole　wealth；　nay；　the　whole　world　to　me。　Have　you　not　bestowed
　　on　me　every　gladness　man　can　desire　in　that　chastelavishtimid
　　glance？

　　〃You　have　given　me　incredible　self…confidence　and　audacity。　I　can
　　dare　all　things　now。　I　came　back　to　Blois　in　deep　dejection。　Five
　　years　of　study　in　the　heart　of　Paris　had　made　me　look　on　the　world
　　as　a　prison。　I　had　conceived　of　vast　schemes；　and　dared　not　speak
　　of　them。　Fame　seemed　to　me　a　prize　for　charlatans；　to　which　a
　　really　noble　spirit　should　not　stoop。　Thus；　my　ideas　could　only
　　make　their　way　by　the　assistance　of　a　man　bold　enough　to　mount　the
　　platform　of　the　press；　and　to　harangue　loudly　the　simpletons　he
　　scorns。　This　kind　of　courage　I　have　not。　I　ploughed　my　way　on；
　　crushed　by　the　verdict　of　the　crowd；　in　despair　at　never　making　it
　　hear　me。　I　was　at　once　too　humble　and　too　lofty！　I　swallowed　my
　　thoughts　as　other　men　swallow　humiliations。　I　had　even　come　to
　　despise　knowledge；　blaming　it　for　yielding　no　real　happiness。

　　〃But　since　yesterday　I　am　wholly　changed。　For　your　sake　I　now
　　covet　every　palm　of　glory；　every　triumph　of　success。　When　I　lay　my
　　head　on　your　knees；　I　could　wish　to　attract　to　you　the　eyes　of　the
　　whole　world；　just　as　I　long　to　concentrate　in　my　love　every　idea；
　　every　power　that　is　in　me。　The　most　splendid　celebrity　is　a
　　possession　that　genius　alone　can　create。　Well；　I　can；　at　my　will；
　　make　for　you　a　bed　of　laurels。　And　if　the　silent　ovation　paid　to
　　science　is　not　all　you　desire；　I　have　within　me　the　sword　of　the
　　Word；　I　could　run　in　the　path　of　honor　and　ambition　where　others
　　only　crawl。
　　
　　〃Command　me；　Pauline；　I　will　be　whatever　you　will。　My　iron　will
　　can　do　anythingI　am　loved！　Armed　with　that　thought；　ought　not　a
　　man　to　sweep　everything　before　him？　The　man　who　wants　all　can　do
　　all。　If　you　are　the　prize　of　success；　I　enter　the　lists　to…morrow。
　　To　win　such　a　look　as　that　you　bestowed　on　me；　I　would　leap　the
　　deepest　abyss。　Through　you　I　understand　the　fabulous　achievements
　　of　chivalry　and　the　most　fantastic　tales　of　the　/Arabian　Nights/。
　　I　can　believe　now　in　the　most　fantastic　excesses　of　love；　and　in
　　the　success　of　a　prisoner's　wildest　attempt　to　recover　his
　　liberty。　You　have　aroused　the　thousand　virtues　that　lay　dormant
　　within　mepatience；　resignation；　all　the　powers　of　my　heart；　all
　　the　strength　of　my　soul。　I　live　by　you　andheavenly　thought！for
　　you。　Everything　now　has　a　meaning　for　me　in　life。　I　understand
　　everything；　even　the　vanities　of　wealth。

　　〃I　find　myself　shedding　all　the　pearls　of　the　Indies　at　your　feet；
　　I　fancy　you　reclining　either　on　the　rarest　flowers；　or　on　the
　　softest　tissues；　and　all　the　splendor　of　the　world　seems　hardly
　　worthy　of　you；　for　whom　I　would　I　could　command　the　harmony　and
　　the　light　that　are　given　out　by　the　harps　of　seraphs　and　the　stars
　　of　heaven！　Alas！　a　poor；　studious　poet；　I　offer　you　in　words
　　treasures　I　cannot　bestow；　I　can　only　give　you　my　heart；　in　which
　　you　reign　for　ever。　I　have　nothing　else。　But　are　there　no
　　treasures　in　eternal　gratitude；　in　a　smile　whose　expressions　will
　　perpetually　vary　with　perennial　happiness；　under　the　constant
　　eagerness　of　my　devotion　to　guess　the　wishes　of　your　loving　soul？
　　Has　not　one　celestial　glance　given　us　assurance　of　always
　　understanding　each　other？

　　〃I　have　a　prayer　now　to　be　said　to　God　every　nighta　prayer　full
　　of　you：　'Let　my　Pauline　be　happy！'　And　will　you　fill　all　my　days
　　as　you　now　fill　my　heart？

　　〃Farewell；　I　can　but　trust　you　to　God　alone！〃



III

　　〃Pauline！　tell　me　if　I　can　in　any　way　have　displeased　you
　　yesterday？　Throw　off　the　pride　of　heart　which　inflicts　on　me　the
　　secret　tortures　that　can　be　caused　by　one　we　love。　Scold　me　if　you
　　will！　Since　yesterday；　a　vague；　unutterable　dread　of　having
　　offended　you　pours　grief　on　the　life　of　feeling　which　you　had　made
　　so　sweet　and　so　rich。　The　lightest　veil　that　comes　between　two
　　souls　sometimes　grows　to　be　a　brazen　wall。　There　are　no　venial
　　crimes　in　love！　If　you　have　the　very　spirit　of　that　noble
　　sentiment；　you　must　feel　all　its　pangs；　and　we　must　be　unceasingly
　　careful　not　to　fret　each　other　by　some　heedless　word。

　　〃No　doubt；　my　beloved　treasure；　if　there　is　any　fault；　it　is　in
　　me。　I　cannot　pride　myself　in　the　belief　that　I　understand　a
　　woman's　heart；　in　all　the　expansion　of　its　tenderness；　all　the
　　grace　of　its　devotedness；　but　I　will　always　endeavor　to　appreciate
　　the　value　of　what　you　vouchsafe　to　show　me　of　the　secrets　of
　　yours。

　　〃Speak　to　me！　Answer　me　soon！　The　melancholy　into　which　we　are
　　thrown　by　the　idea　of　a　wrong　done　is　frightful；　it　casts　a　shroud
　　over　life；　and　doubts　on　everything。

　　〃I　spent　this　morning　sitting　on　the　bank　by　the　sunken　road；
　　gazing　at　the　turrets　of　Villenoix；　not　daring　to　go　to　our　hedge。
　　If　you　could　imagine　all　I　saw　in　my　soul！　What　gloomy　visions
　　passed　before　me　under　the　gray　sky；　whose　cold　sheen　added　to　my
　　dreary　mood！　I　had　dark　presentiments！　I　was　terrified　lest　I
　　should　fail　to　make　you　happy。

　　〃I　must　tell　you　everything；　my　dear　Pauline。　There　are　moments
　　when　the　spirit　of　vitality　seems　to　abandon　me。　I　feel　bereft　of
　　all　strength。　Everything　is　a　burden　to　me；　every　fibre　of　my　body
　　is　inert；　every　sense　is　flaccid；　my　sight　grows　dim；　my　tongue　is
　　paralyzed；　my　imagination　is　extinct；　desire　is　deadnothing
　　survives　but　my　mere　human　vitality。　At　such　times；　though　you
　　were　in　all　the　splendor　of　your　beauty；　though　you　should　lavish
　　on　me　your　subtlest　smiles　and　tenderest　words；　an　evil　influence
　　would　blind　me；　and　distort　the　most　ravishing　melody　into
　　discordant　sounds。　At　those　timesas　I　believesome
　　argumentative　demon　stands　before　me；　showing　me　the　void　beneath
　　the　most　real　possessions。　This　pitiless　demon　mows　down　every
　　flower；　and　mocks　at　the　sweetest　feelings；　saying：　'Welland
　　then？'　He　mars　the　fairest　work　by　showing　me　its　skeleton；　and
　　reveals　the　mechanism　of　things　while　hiding　the　beautiful
　　results。

　　〃At　those　terrible　moments；　when　the　evil　spirit　takes　possession
　　of　me；　when　the　divine　light　is　darkened　in　my　soul　without　my
　　knowing　the　cause；　I　sit　in　grief　and　anguish；　I　wish　myself　deaf
　　and　dumb；　I　long　for　death　to　give　me　rest。　These　hours　of　do