louis lambert-第17章

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　　knowing　the　cause；　I　sit　in　grief　and　anguish；　I　wish　myself　deaf
　　and　dumb；　I　long　for　death　to　give　me　rest。　These　hours　of　doubt
　　and　uneasiness　are　perhaps　inevitable；　at　any　rate；　they　teach　me
　　not　to　be　proud　after　the　flights　which　have　borne　me　to　the　skies
　　where　I　have　gathered　a　full　harvest　of　thoughts；　for　it　is　always
　　after　some　long　excursion　in　the　vast　fields　of　the　intellect；　and
　　after　the　most　luminous　speculations；　that　I　tumble；　broken　and
　　weary；　into　this　limbo。　At　such　a　moment；　my　angel；　a　wife　would
　　double　my　love　for　herat　any　rate；　she　might。　If　she　were
　　capricious；　ailing；　or　depressed；　she　would　need　the　comforting
　　overflow　of　ingenious　affection；　and　I　should　not　have　a　glance　to
　　bestow　on　her。　It　is　my　shame；　Pauline；　to　have　to　tell　you　that
　　at　times　I　could　weep　with　you；　but　that　nothing　could　make　me
　　smile。

　　〃A　woman　can　always　conceal　her　troubles；　for　her　child；　or　for
　　the　man　she　loves；　she　can　laugh　in　the　midst　of　suffering。　And
　　could　not　I；　for　you；　Pauline；　imitate　the　exquisite　reserve　of　a
　　woman？　Since　yesterday　I　have　doubted　my　own　power。　If　I　could
　　displease　you　once；　if　I　failed　once　to　understand　you；　I　dread
　　lest　I　should　often　be　carried　out　of　our　happy　circle　by　my　evil
　　demon。　Supposing　I　were　to　have　many　of　those　dreadful　moods；　or
　　that　my　unbounded　love　could　not　make　up　for　the　dark　hours　of　my
　　lifethat　I　were　doomed　to　remain　such　as　I　am？Fatal　doubts！

　　〃Power　is　indeed　a　fatal　possession　if　what　I　feel　within　me　is
　　power。　Pauline；　go！　Leave　me；　desert　me！　Sooner　would　I　endure
　　every　ill　in　life　than　endure　the　misery　of　knowing　that　you　were
　　unhappy　through　me。

　　〃But；　perhaps；　the　demon　has　had　such　empire　over　me　only　because
　　I　have　had　no　gentle；　white　hands　about　me　to　drive　him　off。　No
　　woman　has　ever　shed　on　me　the　balm　of　her　affection；　and　I　know
　　not　whether；　if　love　should　wave　his　pinions　over　my　head　in　these
　　moments　of　exhaustion；　new　strength　might　not　be　given　to　my
　　spirit。　This　terrible　melancholy　is　perhaps　a　result　of　my
　　isolation；　one　of　the　torments　of　a　lonely　soul　which　pays　for　its
　　hidden　treasures　with　groans　and　unknown　suffering。　Those　who
　　enjoy　little　shall　suffer　little；　immense　happiness　entails
　　unutterable　anguish！

　　〃How　terrible　a　doom！　If　it　be　so；　must　we　not　shudder　for
　　ourselves；　we　who　are　superhumanly　happy？　If　nature　sells　us
　　everything　at　its　true　value；　into　what　pit　are　we　not　fated　to
　　fall？　Ah！　the　most　fortunate　lovers　are　those　who　die　together　in
　　the　midst　of　their　youth　and　love！　How　sad　it　all　is！　Does　my　soul
　　foresee　evil　in　the　future？　I　examine　myself；　wondering　whether
　　there　is　anything　in　me　that　can　cause　you　a　moment's　anxiety。　I
　　love　you　too　selfishly　perhaps？　I　shall　be　laying　on　your　beloved
　　head　a　burden　heavy　out　of　all　proportion　to　the　joy　my　love　can
　　bring　to　your　heart。　If　there　dwells　in　me　some　inexorable　power
　　which　I　must　obeyif　I　am　compelled　to　curse　when　you　pray；　if
　　some　dark　thought　coerces　me　when　I　would　fain　kneel　at　your　feet
　　and　play　as　a　child；　will　you　not　be　jealous　of　that　wayward　and
　　tricky　spirit？

　　〃You　understand；　dearest　heart；　that　what　I　dread　is　not　being
　　wholly　yours；　that　I　would　gladly　forego　all　the　sceptres　and　the
　　palms　of　the　world　to　enshrine　you　in　one　eternal　thought；　to　see
　　a　perfect　life　and　an　exquisite　poem　in　our　rapturous　love；　to
　　throw　my　soul　into　it；　drown　my　powers；　and　wring　from　each　hour
　　the　joys　it　has　to　give！

　　〃Ah；　my　memories　of　love　are　crowding　back　upon　me；　the　clouds　of
　　despair　will　lift。　Farewell。　I　leave　you　now　to　be　more　entirely
　　yours。　My　beloved　soul；　I　look　for　a　line；　a　word　that　may　restore
　　my　peace　of　mind。　Let　me　know　whether　I　really　grieved　my　Pauline；
　　or　whether　some　uncertain　expression　of　her　countenance　misled　me。
　　I　could　not　bear　to　have　to　reproach　myself　after　a　whole　life　of
　　happiness；　for　ever　having　met　you　without　a　smile　of　love；　a
　　honeyed　word。　To　grieve　the　woman　I　lovePauline；　I　should　count
　　it　a　crime。　Tell　me　the　truth；　do　not　put　me　off　with　some
　　magnanimous　subterfuge；　but　forgive　me　without　cruelty。〃



FRAGMENT。

　　〃Is　so　perfect　an　attachment　happiness？　Yes；　for　years　of
　　suffering　would　not　pay　for　an　hour　of　love。

　　〃Yesterday；　your　sadness；　as　I　suppose；　passed　into　my　soul　as
　　swiftly　as　a　shadow　falls。　Were　you　sad　or　suffering？　I　was
　　wretched。　Whence　came　my　distress？　Write　to　me　at　once。　Why　did　I
　　not　know　it？　We　are　not　yet　completely　one　in　mind。　At　two
　　leagues'　distance　or　at　a　thousand　I　ought　to　feel　your　pain　and
　　sorrows。　I　shall　not　believe　that　I　love　you　till　my　life　is　so
　　bound　up　with　yours　that　our　life　is　one；　till　our　hearts；　our
　　thoughts　are　one。　I　must　be　where　you　are；　see　what　you　feel；　feel
　　what　you　feel；　be　with　you　in　thought。　Did　not　I　know；　at　once；
　　that　your　carriage　had　been　overthrown　and　you　were　bruised？　But
　　on　that　day　I　had　been　with　you；　I　had　never　left　you；　I　could　see
　　you。　When　my　uncle　asked　me　what　made　me　turn　so　pale；　I　answered
　　at　once；　'Mademoiselle　de　Villenoix　had　has　a　fall。'

　　〃Why；　then；　yesterday；　did　I　fail　to　read　your　soul？　Did　you　wish
　　to　hide　the　cause　of　your　grief？　However；　I　fancied　I　could　feel
　　that　you　were　arguing　in　my　favor；　though　in　vain；　with　that
　　dreadful　Salomon；　who　freezes　my　blood。　That　man　is　not　of　our
　　heaven。

　　〃Why　do　you　insist　that　our　happiness；　which　has　no　resemblance　to
　　that　of　other　people；　should　conform　to　the　laws　of　the　world？　And
　　yet　I　delight　too　much　in　your　bashfulness；　your　religion；　your
　　superstitions；　not　to　obey　your　lightest　whim。　What　you　do　must　be
　　right；　nothing　can　be　purer　than　your　mind；　as　nothing　is　lovelier
　　than　your　face；　which　reflects　your　divine　soul。

　　〃I　shall　wait　for　a　letter　before　going　along　the　lanes　to　meet
　　the　sweet　hour　you　grant　me。　Oh！　if　you　could　know　how　the　sight
　　of　those　turrets　makes　my　heart　throb　when　I　see　them　edged　with
　　light　by　the　moon；　our　only　confidante。〃



IV

　　〃Farewell　to　glory；　farewell　to　the　future；　to　the　life　I　had
　　dreamed　of！　Now；　my　well…beloved；　my　glory　is　that　I　am　yours；　and
　　worthy　of　you；　my　future　lies　entirely　in　the　hope　of　seeing　you；
　　and　is　not　my　life　summed　up　in　sitting　at　your　feet；　in　lying
　　under　your　eyes；　in　drawing　deep　breaths　in　the　heaven　you　have
　　created　for　me？　All　my　powers；　all　my　thoughts　must　be　yours；
　　since　you　could　speak　those　thrilling　words；　'Your　sufferings　must
　　be　mine！'　Should　I　not　be　stealing　some　joys　from　love；　some
　　moments　from　happiness；　some　experiences　from　your　divine　spirit；
　　if　I　gave　my　hours　to　studyideas　to　the　world　and　poems　to　the
　　poets？　Nay；　nay；　my　very　life；　I　will　treasure　everything　for　you；
　　I　will　bring　to　you　every　flower　of　my　soul。　Is　there　anything
　　fine　enough；　splendid　enough；　in　all　the　resources　of　the　world；
　　or　of　intellect；　to　do　honor　to　a　heart　so　rich；　so　pure　as　yours
　　the　heart　to　which　I　dare　now　and　again　to　unite　my　own？　Yes；
　　now　and　again；　I　dare　believe　that　I　can　love　as　much　as　you　do。

　　〃And　yet；　no；　you　are　the　angel…woman；　there　will　always　be　a
　　greater　charm　in　the　expression　of　your　feelings；　more　harmony　in
　　your　voice；　more　grace　in　your　smile；　more　purity　in　your　looks
　　than　in　mine。　Let　me　feel　that　you　are　the　creature　of　a　higher
　　sphere　than　that　I　live　in；　it　will　be　your　pride　to　have
　　descended　from　it；　mine；　that　I　should　have　deserved　you；　and　you
　　will　not　perhaps　have　fallen　too　far　by　coming　down　to　me　in　my
　　poverty　and　misery。　Nay；　if　a　woman's　most　glorious　refuge　is　in　a
　　heart　that　is　wholly　her　own；　you　will　always　reign　supreme　in
　　mine。　Not　a　thought；　not　a　deed；　shall　ever　pollute　this　heart；
　　this　glorious　sanctuary；　so　long　as　you　vouchsafe　to　dwell　in　it
　　and　will　you　not　dwell　in　it　for　ever？　Did　you　not　enchant　me　by
　　the　words；　'Now　and　for　ever？'　/Nunc　et　semper/！　And　I　have
　　written　these　words　of　our　ritual　below　your　portraitwords
　　worthy　of　you；　as　they　are　of　God。　He　is　/nunc　et　semper/；　as　my
　　love　is。

　　〃Never；　no；　never；　can　I　exhaust　that　which　is　immense；　infinite；
　　unboundedand　such　is　the　feeling　I　have　for　you；　I　have　imagined
　　its　immeasurable　extent；　as　we　measure　space　by　the　dimensions　of
　　one　of　its　parts。　I　have　had　ineffable　joys；　whole　hours　filled
　　with　delicious　meditation；　as　I　have　recalled　a　single　gesture　or
　　the　tone　of　a　word　of　yours。　Thus　there　will　be　memories　of　which
　　the　magnitude　will　overpower　me；　if　the　reminiscence　of　a　sweet
　　and　friendly　interview　is　enough　to　make　me　shed　tears　of　joy；　to
　　move　and　thrill　my　soul；　and　to　be　an　inexhaustible　wellspring　of
　　gladness。　Love　is　the　life　of　angels！

　　〃I　can　never；　I　believe；　exhaust　my　joy　in　seeing　you。　This
　　rapture；　the　least　fervid　of　any；　though　it　never　can　last　long
　　enough；　has　made　me　apprehend　the　eternal　contemplation　in　which
　　seraphs　and　spirits　abide　in　the　presence　of　God；　nothing　can　be
　　more　natural；　if　from　His　essence　there　emanates　a　light　as
　　fruitful　of　new　emotions　as　that　of　your　eyes　is；　of　your　imposing
　　brow；　and　your　beautiful　countenancethe　image　of　your　soul。
　　Then；　the　soul；　our　second　self；　whose　pure　form　can　never　perish；
　　makes　our　love　immortal。　I　would　there　were　some　other　language
　　than　that　I　use　to　express　to　you　the　ever…new　ecstasy　of　my　love；
　　but　since　there　is　one　of　our　own　creating；　since　our　looks　are
　　living　speech；　must　we　not　meet　face　to　face　to　read　in　each
　　other's　eyes　those　questions　and　answers　from　the　heart；　that　are
　　so　living；　so　penetrating；　that　one　evening　you　could　say　to　me；
　　'Be　silent！'　when　I　was　not　speaking。　Do　you　remember　it；　dear
　　life？

　　〃When　I　am　away　from　you　in　the　darkness　of　absence；　am　I　not
　　reduced　to　use　human　words；　too　feeble　to　express　heavenly
　　feelings？　But　words　at　any　rate　represent　the　marks　these　feelings
　　leave　in　my　soul；　just　as　the　word　/God/　imperfectly　sums　up　the
　　notions　we　form　of　that　mysterious　First　Cause。　But；　in　spite　of
　　the　subtleties　and　infinite　variety　of　language；　I　have　no　words
　　that　can　express　to　you　the　exquisite　union　by　which　my　life　is
　　merged　into　yours　whenever　I　think　of　you。

　　〃And　with　what　word　can　I　conclude　when　I　cease　writing　to　you；
　　and　yet　do　not　part　from　you？　What　can　/farewell/　mean；　unless　in
　　death？　But　is　death　a　farewell？　Would　not　my　spirit　be　then　more
　　closely　one　with　yours？　Ah！　my　first　and　last　thought；　formerly　I
　　offered　you　my　heart　and　life　on　my　knees；　now　what　fresh　blossoms
　　of　feelings　can　I　discover　in　my　soul　that　I　have　not　already
　　given　you？　It　would　be　a　gift　of　a　part　of　what　is　wholly　yours。

　　〃Are　you　my　future？　How　deeply　I　regret　the　past！　I　would　I　could
　　have　back　all　the　years　that　are　ours　no　more；　and　give　them　to
　　you　to　reign　over；　as　you　do　over　my　present　life。　What　indeed　was
　　that　time　when　I　knew　you　not？　It　would　be　a　void　but　that　I　was
　　so　wretched。〃



FRAGMENT。

　　〃Beloved　angel；　how　delightful　last　evening　was！　How　full　of
　　riches　your　de