lay morals-第21章
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These are but a few glances at how umbrellas （in the general） came to their present high estate。 But the true Umbrella… Philosopher meets with far stranger applications as he goes about the streets。
Umbrellas； like faces； acquire a certain sympathy with the individual who carries them： indeed； they are far more capable of betraying his trust； for whereas a face is given to us so far ready made； and all our power over it is in frowning； and laughing； and grimacing； during the first three or four decades of life； each umbrella is selected from a whole shopful； as being most consonant to the purchaser's disposition。 An undoubted power of diagnosis rests with the practised Umbrella…Philosopher。 O you who lisp； and amble； and change the fashion of your countenances … you who conceal all these； how little do you think that you left a proof of your weakness in our umbrella…stand … that even now； as you shake out the folds to meet the thickening snow； we read in its ivory handle the outward and visible sign of your snobbery； or from the exposed gingham of its cover detect； through coat and waistcoat； the hidden hypocrisy of the 'DICKEY'！ But alas！ even the umbrella is no certain criterion。 The falsity and the folly of the human race have degraded that graceful symbol to the ends of dishonesty； and while some umbrellas； from carelessness in selection； are not strikingly characteristic （for it is only in what a man loves that he displays his real nature）； others； from certain prudential motives； are chosen directly opposite to the person's disposition。 A mendacious umbrella is a sign of great moral degradation。 Hypocrisy naturally shelters itself below a silk； while the fast youth goes to visit his religious friends armed with the decent and reputable gingham。 May it not be said of the bearers of these inappropriate umbrellas that they go about the streets 'with a lie in their right hand'？
The kings of Siam； as we read； besides having a graduated social scale of umbrellas （which was a good thing）； prevented the great bulk of their subjects from having any at all； which was certainly a bad thing。 We should be sorry to believe that this Eastern legislator was a fool … the idea of an aristocracy of umbrellas is too philosophic to have originated in a nobody … and we have accordingly taken exceeding pains to find out the reason of this harsh restriction。 We think we have succeeded； but； while admiring the principle at which he aimed； and while cordially recognising in the Siamese potentate the only man before ourselves who had taken a real grasp of the umbrella； we must be allowed to point out how unphilosophically the great man acted in this particular。 His object； plainly； was to prevent any unworthy persons from bearing the sacred symbol of domestic virtues。 We cannot excuse his limiting these virtues to the circle of his court。 We must only remember that such was the feeling of the age in which he lived。 Liberalism had not yet raised the war…cry of the working classes。 But here was his mistake： it was a needless regulation。 Except in a very few cases of hypocrisy joined to a powerful intellect； men； not by nature UMBRELLARIANS； have tried again and again to become so by art； and yet have failed … have expended their patrimony in the purchase of umbrella after umbrella； and yet have systematically lost them； and have finally； with contrite spirits and shrunken purses； given up their vain struggle； and relied on theft and borrowing for the remainder of their lives。 This is the most remarkable fact that we have had occasion to notice； and yet we challenge the candid reader to call it in question。 Now； as there cannot be any MORAL SELECTION in a mere dead piece of furniture … as the umbrella cannot be supposed to have an affinity for individual men equal and reciprocal to that which men certainly feel toward individual umbrellas … we took the trouble of consulting a scientific friend as to whether there was any possible physical explanation of the phenomenon。 He was unable to supply a plausible theory； or even hypothesis； but we extract from his letter the following interesting passage relative to the physical peculiarities of umbrellas： 'Not the least important； and by far the most curious property of the umbrella； is the energy which it displays in affecting the atmospheric strata。 There is no fact in meteorology better established … indeed； it is almost the only one on which meteorologists are agreed … than that the carriage of an umbrella produces desiccation of the air； while if it be left at home； aqueous vapour is largely produced； and is soon deposited in the form of rain。 No theory；' my friend continues； 'competent to explain this hygrometric law has been given （as far as I am aware） by Herschel； Dove； Glaisher； Tait； Buchan； or any other writer； nor do I pretend to supply the defect。 I venture； however； to throw out the conjecture that it will be ultimately found to belong to the same class of natural laws as that agreeable to which a slice of toast always descends with the buttered surface downwards。'
But it is time to draw to a close。 We could expatiate much longer upon this topic； but want of space constrains us to leave unfinished these few desultory remarks … slender contributions towards a subject which has fallen sadly backward； and which； we grieve to say； was better understood by the king of Siam in 1686 than by all the philosophers of to…day。 If； however； we have awakened in any rational mind an interest in the symbolism of umbrellas … in any generous heart a more complete sympathy with the dumb companion of his daily walk … or in any grasping spirit a pure notion of respectability strong enough to make him expend his six…and… twenty shillings … we shall have deserved well of the world； to say nothing of the many industrious persons employed in the manufacture of the article。
（1） 'This paper was written in collaboration with James Waiter Ferrier； and if reprinted this is to be stated； though his principal collaboration was to lie back in an easy…chair and laugh。' … ＇R。L。S。； Oct。 25； 1894。＇
COLLEGE PAPERS CHAPTER V … THE PHILOSOPHY OF NOMENCLATURE
'How many Caesars and Pompeys； by mere inspirations of the names； have been rendered worthy of them？ And how many are there； who might have done exceeding well in the world； had not their characters and spirits been totally depressed and Nicodemus'd into nothing？' … TRISTRAM SHANDY； vol。 I。 chap xix。
Such were the views of the late Walter Shandy； Esq。； Turkey merchant。 To the best of my belief； Mr。 Shandy is the first who fairly pointed out the incalculable influence of nomenclature upon the whole life … who seems first to have recognised the one child； happy in an heroic appellation； soaring upwards on the wings of fortune； and the other； like the dead sailor in his shotted hammock； haled down by sheer weight of name into the abysses of social failure。 Solomon possibly had his eye on some such theory when he said that 'a good name is better than precious ointment'； and perhaps we may trace a similar spirit in the compilers of the English Catechism； and the affectionate interest with which they linger round the catechumen's name at the very threshold of their work。 But； be these as they may； I think no one can censure me for appending； in pursuance of the expressed wish of his son； the Turkey merchant's name to his system； and pronouncing； without further preface； a short epitome of the 'Shandean Philosophy of Nomenclature。'
To begin； then： the influence of our name makes itself felt from the very cradle。 As a schoolboy I remember the pride with which I hailed Robin Hood； Robert Bruce； and Robert le Diable as my name…fellows； and the feeling of sore disappointment that fell on my heart when I found a freebooter or a general who did not share with me a single one of my numerous PRAENOMINA。 Look at the delight with which two children find they have the same name。 They are friends from that moment forth； they have a bond of union stronger than exchange of nuts and sweetmeats。 This feeling； I own； wears off in later life。 Our names lose their freshness and interest； become trite and indifferent。 But this； dear reader； is merely one of the sad effects of those 'shades of the prison…house' which come gradually betwixt us and nature with advancing years； it affords no weapon against the philosophy of names。
In after life； although we fail to trace its working； that name which careless godfathers lightly applied to your unconscious infancy will have been moulding your character； and influencing with irresistible power the whole course of your earthly fortunes。 But the last name； overlooked by Mr。 Shandy； is no whit less important as a condition of success。 Family names； we must recollect； are but inherited nicknames； and if the SOBRIQUET were applicable to the ancestor； it is most likely applicable to the descendant also。 You would not expect to find Mr。 M'Phun acting as a mute； or Mr。 M'Lumpha excelling as a professor of dancing。 Therefore； in what follows； we shall consider names； independent of whether they are first or last。 And to begin with； look what a pull CROMWELL had over PYM … the one name full of a resonant imperialism； the other； mean； pettifogging； and unheroic to a degree。 Who would expect eloquence from PYM … who would read poems by PYM … who would bow to the opinion of PYM？ He might have been a dentist； but he should never have aspired to be a statesman。 I can only wonder that he succeeded as he did。 Pym and Habakkuk stand first upon the roll of men who have triumphed； by sheer force of genius； over the most unfavourable appellations。 But even these have suffered； and； had they been more fitly named； the one might have been Lord Protector； and the other have shared the laurels with Isaiah。 In this matter we must not forget that all our great poets have borne great names。 Chaucer； Spenser； Shakespeare； Milton； Pope； Wordsworth； Shelley … what a constellation of lordly words！ Not a single common…place name among them … not a Brown； not a Jones； not a Robinson； they are all names that one would stop and look at on a door…plate。 Now； imagine if PEPYS had tried to clamber somehow into the enclosure of poetry； what a blot would that word have made upon the list！ The thing was impossible。 In the first place a certain natural consciousness that men would have held him down to the level of his name； would have prevented him from rising above the Pepsine standard； and so haply withheld him altogether from attempting verse。 Next； the booksellers would refuse to publish； and the world to read them； on the mere evidence of the fatal appellation。 And now； before I close this section； I must say one word as to PUNNABLE names； names that stand alone； that have a significance and life apart from him that bears them。 These are the bitterest of all。 One friend of mine goes bowed and humbled through life under the weight of this misfortune； for it is an awful thing when a man's name is a joke； when he cannot be mentioned without exciting m
