the red acorn-第10章

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〃O；　yes；　laugh　about　it；　if　you　choose。　　That's　your　way：　　giggle　over　everything。　　But　when　I　play　background；　I　want　it　to　be　with　something　worth　while　in　the　foreground。　　I　don't　hanker　after　making　myself　a　foil　to　show　off　such　fellers　as　our　officers　are；　to　good　advantage。〃

〃That　don't　bother　me　any　more　than　it　does　a　mountain　to　serve　as　a　background　for　a　nanny　goat　and　a　pair　of　sore…eyed　mules！〃

〃Yes；　but　the　mountain　sometimes　has　an　opportunity　to　drop　an　avalanche　on　'em。〃

At　this　point　of　the　discussion　they　arrived　at　the　company　grounds；　and　had　scarcely　time　to　snatch　up　their　guns　and　don　their　belts　before　the　company　moved　out　to　take　its　place　in　the　regimental　line。

The　occasion　of　Lieutenant　Alspaugh's　elaborate　personal　ornamentation　now　manifested　itself。　　By　reason　of　Captain　Bennett's　absence；　he　was　in　command　of　the　company；　and　was　about　to　make　his　first　appearance　on　parade　in　that　capacity。　　Two　or　three　young　women；　of　the　hollyhock　order　of　beauty；　whom　he　was　very　anxious　to　impress；　had　been　brought　to　camp；　to　witness　his　apotheosis　into　a　commanding　officer。

The　moment；　however；　that　he　placed　himself　at　the　head　of　the　company　and　drew　sword；　the　chill　breath　of　distrust　sent　the　mercury　of　his　self…confidence　down　to　zero。　　It　looked　so　easy　to　command　a　company　when　some　one　else　was　doing　it；　it　was　hard　when　he　tried　it　himself。　　All　the　imps　of　confusion　held　high　revel　in　his　mind　when　he　attempted　to　give　the　orders　which　he　had　conned　until　he　supposed　he　had　them　〃dead…letter　perfect。〃　　he　felt　his　usually…unfailing　assurance　shrivel　up　under　the　gaze　of　hundreds　of　mercilessly　critical　eyes。　　He　managed　to　stammer　out：

〃ATTENTION；　COMPANY！　FORWARD；　FILE　RIGHT；　MARCH！〃

But　as　the　company　began　to　execute　the　order；　it　seemed　to　be　going　just　the　opposite　to　what　he　had　commanded；　and　he　called　out　excitedly：

〃Not　that　way！　　Not　that　way！　　I　said　'file　right；'　and　you're　going　left。〃

〃We　are　filing　right；〃　answered　some　in　the　company。　　〃You're　turned　around；　that's　what's　the　matter　with　you。〃

So　it　was。　　He　had　forgotten　that　when　standing　facing　the　men；　he　must　give　them　orders　in　reverse　from　what　the　movement　appeared　to　him。　　This　increased　his　confusion；　until　all　his　drill　knowledge　seemed　gone　from　him。　　The　sight　of　his　young　lady　friends；　clad　in　masses　of　primary　colors；　stimulated　him　to　a　strong　effort　to　recover　his　audacity；　and　bracing　himself　up；　he　began　calling　out　the　guide　and　step；　with　a　noisy　confidence　that　made　him　heard　all　over　the　parade　ground：

〃Left！　left！　left！　　Hep！　hep！　hep！　　Cast　them　head　and　eyes　to　the　right！〃

Trouble　loomed　up　mountainously　as　he　approached　the　line。　Putting　a　company　into　its　place　on　parade　is　one　of　the　crucial　tests　of　tactical　proficiency。　　To　march　a　company　to　exactly　the　right　spot；　with　every　man　keeping　his　proper　distance　from　his　file…leader〃twenty…eight　inches　from　back　to　breast；〃　clear　down　the　column；　so　that　when　the　order　〃front〃　was　given；　every　one　turns；　as　if　on　pivot；　and　touches　elbows　with　those　on　each　side　of　him；　in　a　straight；　firm　wall　of　men；　without　any　shambling　〃closing　up；〃　or　〃side…stepping〃　to　the　right　or　left；to　do　all　this　at　word　of　command；　looks　very　simple　and　easy　to　the　non…military　spectator；　as　many　other　very　difficult　things　look　simple　and　easy　to　the　inexperienced。　　But　really　it　is　only　possible　to　a　thoroughly　drilled　company；　held　well　in　hand　by　a　competent　commander。　　It　is　something　that；　if　done　well；　is　simply　done　well；　but　if　not　done　well；　is　very　bad。　　It　is　like　an　egg　that　is　either　good　or　utterly　worthless。

Alspaugh　seemed　fated　to　exhaust　the　category　of　possible　mistakes。　Coming　on　the　ground　late　he　found　that　a　gap　had　been　left　in　the　line　for　his　company　which　was　only　barely　sufficient　to　receive　it　when　it　was　aligned　and　compactly　〃dressed。〃

In　his　nervousness　he　halted　the　company　before　it　had　reached　the　right　of　the　gap　by　ten　paces；　and　so　left　about　one…quarter　of　the　company　lapping　over　on　the　one　to　his　left。　　Even　this　was　done　with　an　unsightly　jumble。　　His　confusion　as　to　the　reversal　of　right　and　left　still　abode　with　him。　　He　commanded　〃right　face〃　instead　of　〃front；〃　and　was　amazed　to　see　the　whole　one　hundred　well…drilled　men　whirl　their　backs　around　to　the　regiment　and　the　commanding　officer。　　A　laugh　rippled　down　the　ranks　of　the　other　companies；　even　the　spectators　smiled；　and　something　sounded　like　swearing　by　the　Adjutant　and　Sergeant…Major。

Alspaugh　lifted　his　plumed　hat；　and　wiped　the　beaded　perspiration　from　his　brow　with　the　back　of　one　of　the　yellow　gauntlets。

〃Order　an　'about　face；'〃　whispered　the　Orderly…Sergeant；　whose　face　was　burning　with　shame　at　the　awkward　position　in　which　the　company　found　itself。

〃ABOUTFACE！〃　gasped　Alspaugh。

The　men　turned　on　their　heels。

〃Side…step　to　the　right；〃　whispered　the　Orderly。

〃Side…step　to　the　right；〃　repeated　Alspaugh；　mechanically。

The　men　took　short　side…steps；　and　following　the　orders　which　Alspaugh　repeated　from　the　whispered　suggestions　of　the　Orderly；　the　company　came　clumsily　forward　into　its　place；　〃dressed；〃　and　〃opened　ranks　to　the　rear。〃　　When　at　the　command　of　〃parade…rest；〃　Alspaugh　dropped　his　saber's　point　to　the　ground；　he　did　it　with　the　crushed　feeling　of　a　strutting　cock　which　has　been　flung　into　the　pond　and　emerges　with　dripping　feathers。

He　raised　his　heart　in　sincere　thanksgiving　that　he　was　at　last　through；　for　there　was　nothing　more　for　him　to　do　during　the　parade；　except　to　stand　still；　and　at　its　conclusion　the　Orderly　would　have　to　march　the　company　back　to　its　quarters。

But　his　woes　had　still　another　chapter。　　The　Inspector…General　had　come　to　camp　to　inspect　the　regiment；　and　he　was　on　the　ground。

Forty　years　of　service　in　the　regular　army；　with　promotion　averaging　one　grade　every　ten　years；　making　him　an　old　man　and　a　grandfather　before　he　was　a　Lieutenant…Colonel；　had　so　surcharged　Col。　Murbank's　nature　with　bitterness　as　to　make　even　the　very　air　in　his　vicinity　seem　roughly　astringent。　　The　wicked　young　Lieutenants　who　served　with　him　on　the　Plains　used　to　say　that　his　bark　was　worse　than　his　bite；　because　no　reasonable　bite　could　ever　be　so　bad　as　his　bark。　　They　even　suggested　calling　him　〃Peruvian　Bark；〃　because　a　visit　to　his　quarters　was　worse　than　a　strong　does　of　quinia。

〃Yeth；　that'th　good；〃　said　the　lisping　wit　of　the　crowd。　　〃Evely　bite　ith　a　bit；　ain't　it？　　And　the　wortht　mutht　be　a　bitter；　ath　he　ith。〃

The　Colonel　believed　tha　the　whole　duty　of　man　consisted　in　loving　the　army　regulations；　and　in　keeping　their　commandments。　　The　best　part　of　all　virtue　was　to　observe　them　to　the　letter；　the　most　abhorrent　form　of　vice；　to　violate　or　disregard　even　their　minor　precepts。

His　feelings　were　continually　lacerated　by　contact　with　volunteers；　who　cared　next　to　nothing　for　the　FORM　of　war…making；　but　everything　for　its　spirit；　and　the　martinet　heart　within　him　was　bruised　and　sore　when　he　came　upon　the　ground　to　inspect　the　regiment。

Alspaugh's　blundering　in　bringing　the　company　into　line　awakened　this　ire　from　a　passivity　to　activity。

〃I'll　have　that　dunderhead's　shoulder…straps　off　inside　of　a　fortnight；〃　he　muttered　between　his　teeth。

The　unhappy　Lietenant's　inability　to　even　stand　properly　during　the　parade；　or　repeat　an　order　intensified　his　rage。　　When　the　parade　was　dismissed　the　officers；　as　usual；　sheathed　their　swords；　and　forming　a　line　with　the　Adjutant　in　the　center；　marched　forward　to　teh　commanding　and　inspecting　officers；　and　saluted。　　Then　the　wrath　of　the　old　Inspector　became　vocable。

〃What　in　God's　name；〃　he　roared；　fixing　his　glance　upon　Alspaugh　so　unmistakably　that　enve　the　latter's　rainbow…clad　girls；　who　had　crowded　up　closely；　could　not　make　a　mistake　as　to　the　victim　of　the　expletives。　　〃What　in　God's　name；　sir；〃　repeated　the　old　fellow　with　purpling　face；　〃do　you　mean　by　bringing　your　company　on　to　the　ground　in　that　absurd　way；　sir？　　Did　you　think；　sir；　that　it　was　a　hod　of　brickwith　which　I　have　no　doubt　you　are　most　familiarthat　you　could　dump　down　any　place　and　any　how；　sir？　　Such　misconduct　is　simply　disgraceful；　sir；　I'd　have　you　know。　　Simply　disgraceful；　sir。〃

He　paused　for　breath；　but　Alspaugh　had　no　word　of　defense　to　offer。

〃And　what　do　you　mean；　sir；〃　resumed　the　Inspector；　after　inflating　his　lungs　for　another　gust；　〃what　in　the　name　of　all　the　piebald　circus　clowns　that　ever　jiggered　around　on　sawdust；　do　you　mean　by　coming　on　parade　dressed　like　the　ringmaster　of　a　traveling　monkey…show；　sir？　　Haven't　you　any　more　idea　of　the　honor　of　wearing　a　United　States　swordthe　noblest　weapon　on　earth；　sirthan　to　make　yourself　look　like　the　drum…major　of　a　band　of　nigger　minstrels；　sir！　　A　United　States　officer　ought　to　be　ashamed　to　make　a　damned　harlequin　of　himself；　sir。　　I'd　have　you　to　understand　that　most　distinctly；　sir！〃

The　Inspector's　stock　of　breath；　alas；　was　not　so　ample　as　in　the　far…off　days　when　his　sturdy　shoulders　bore　the　modest　single…bar；　instead　of　the　proud　spread　eagle　of　the　present。　　Even　had　it　been；　the　explosive　energy　of　his　speech　would　have　speedily　exhausted　it。　　Compelled　to　stop　to　pump　in　a　fresh　supply；　the　Colonel　of　the　regiment　took　advantage　of　the　pause　to　whisper　in　his　ear：

〃Don't　be　too　rough　on　him；　please。　　He's　a　good　man　but　green。　Promoted　from　the　ranks　for　courage　in　action。　　First　appearance　on　parade。　　He'll　do　better　if　given　a　chance。〃

The　Inspector's　anger　was　mollified。　　Addressing　himself　to　all　the　officers；　he　continued　in　a　milder　tone：

〃Gentlemen；　you　seem　to　be　making　progress　in　acquiring　a　knowledge　of　your　duties；　though　you　have　a　world　of　things　yet　to　learn。　I　shall　say　so　in　my　report　to　the　General。　　You　can　go　to　your　quarters。〃

The　line　of　officers　dissolved；　and　the　spectators　began　to　melt　away。　　Alspaugh's　assurance　rose　buoyantly　the　moment　that　the　pressure　was　removed。　　He　raised　his　eyes　from　the　ground；　and　looked　for　the　young　ladies。　　They　had　turned　their　backs　and　were　leaving　the　ground。　　He　hastened　after　them；　fabricating　as　he　walked　an　explanation；　based　on　personal　jealousy；　of　the　Inspector's　treatment　of　him。　　He　was　within　a　step　of　overtaking　them　when　he　heard　one　say；　with　toss　of　flaunting　ribbons；　and　hoidenish　giggle：

〃Did　you　EVER　see　ANY…body　wilt　as　Alspaugh　did　when　old　Bite…Your…Head…Off…In…a…Minute　was　jawing　him？　　It　was　so　awfully　FUNNY　that　I　just　thought　I　SHOULD　DIE。〃

The　sentence　ended　with　the　picturesque　rapid　CRESCENDO　employed　by　maidens　of　her　type　in　describing　a　convulsive　experience。

〃Just　didn't　he；〃　joined　in　another。　　〃I　never　saw　ANY…thing　so　funny　in　all　my　BORN　DAYS。　　I　was　AFRAID　to　look　at　either　one　of　YOU；　I　knew　if　I　DID　I　would　BURST　RIGHT　OUT　laughing。　　I　couldn't've　HELPED　itI　know　I　COULDN'T；　if　I'd'a　knowed　I'd'a　DIED　the　next　MINUTE。〃

〃This　would　seem　to　be　a　pretty　good　time　to　drop　the　fellow；〃　added　the　third　girl；　reflectively。

Alspaugh　turned　and　went　in　another　direction。　　At　the　9　o'clock　roll…call　he　informed　the　company　that　the　Inspector　was　well　pleased　with　its　appearance　on　parade。





Chapter　VIII。　　The　Tedium　of　Camp。




　　　　　　And　you；　goo