the sorrows of young werther(少年维特的烦恼)-第12章

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seek　to　destroy；　but　only　to　moderate；　that　it　might　have　proper
play　and　be　productive　of　good。　　So　now　I　am　at　rest　for　another
week；　and　no　longer　at　variance　with　myself。　　Content　and　peace
of　mind　are　valuable　things：　I　could　wish；　my　dear　friend；　that
these　precious　jewels　were　less　transitory。　　

FERRUARY　20。

God　bless　you；　my　dear　friends；　and　may　he　grant　you　that　happiness
which　he　denies　to　me！

I　thank　you；　Albert；　for　having　deceived　me。　　I　waited　for　the
news　that　your　wedding…day　was　fixed；　and　I　intended　on　that　day；
with　solemnity；　to　take　down　Charlotte's　profile　from　the　wall；
and　to　bury　it　with　some　other　papers　I　possess。　　You　are　now
united；　and　her　picture　still　remains　here。　　Well；　let　it　remain！
Why　should　it　not？　　I　know　that　I　am　still　one　of　your　society；
that　I　still　occupy　a　place　uninjured　in　Charlotte's　heart；　that
I　hold　the　second　place　therein；　and　I　intend　to　keep　it。　　Oh；　I
should　become　mad　if　she　could　forget！　　Albert；　that　thought　is
hell！　　Farewell；　Albert　farewell；　angel　of　heaven　farewell；　Charlotte！

MARCH　15。

I　have　just　had　a　sad　adventure；　which　will　drive　me　away　from
here。　　I　lose　all　patience！　　Death！　　It　is　not　to　be　remedied；
and　you　alone　are　to　blame；　for　you　urged　and　impelled　me　to　fill
a　post　for　which　I　was　by　no　means　suited。　　I　have　now　reason　to
be　satisfied；　and　so　have　you！　　But；　that　you　may　not　again　attribute
this　fatality　to　my　impetuous　temper；　I　send　you；　my　dear　sir；　a
plain　and　simple　narration　of　the　affair；　as　a　mere　chronicler　of
facts　would　describe　it。

The　Count　of　O　likes　and　distinguishes　me。　　It　is　well　known；
and　I　have　mentioned　this　to　you　a　hundred　times。　　Yesterday　I
dined　with　him。　　It　is　the　day　on　which　the　nobility　are　accustomed
to　assemble　at　his　house　in　the　evening。　　I　never　once　thought　of
the　assembly；　nor　that　we　subalterns　did　not　belong　to　such　society。
Well；　I　dined　with　the　count；　and；　after　dinner；　we　adjourned　to
the　large　hall。　　We　walked　up　and　down　together：　and　I　conversed
with　him；　and　with　Colonel　B；　who　joined　us；　and　in　this　manner
the　hour　for　the　assembly　approached。　　God　knows；　I　was　thinking
of　nothing；　when　who　should　enter　but　the　honourable　Lady　accompanied
by　her　noble　husband　and　their　silly；　scheming　daughter；　with　her
small　waist　and　flat　neck；　and；　with　disdainful　looks　and　a　haughty
air　they　passed　me　by。　　As　I　heartily　detest　the　whole　race；　I
determined　upon　going　away；　and　only　waited　till　the　count　had
disengaged　himself　from　their　impertinent　prattle；　to　take　leave；
when　the　agreeable　Miss　B　came　in。　　As　I　never　meet　her　without
experiencing　a　heartfelt　pleasure；　I　stayed　and　talked　to　her；
leaning　over　the　back　of　her　chair；　and　did　not　perceive；　till
after　some　time；　that　she　seemed　a　little　confused；　and　ceased　to
answer　me　with　her　usual　ease　of　manner。　　I　was　struck　with　it。
〃Heavens！〃　I　said　to　myself；　〃can　she；　too；　be　like　the　rest？〃　　I
felt　annoyed；　and　was　about　to　withdraw；　but　I　remained；
notwithstanding；　forming　excuses　for　her　conduct；　fancying　she　did
not　mean　it；　and　still　hoping　to　receive　some　friendly　recognition。
The　rest　of　the　company　now　arrived。　There　was　the　Baron　F　；　in
an　entire　suit　that　dated　from　the　coronation　of　Francis　I。；　the
Chancellor　N；　with　his　deaf　wife；　the　shabbily…dressed　I；　whose
old…fashioned　coat　bore　evidence　of　modern　repairs：　this　crowned
the　whole。　　I　conversed　with　some　of　my　acquaintances；　but　they
answered　me　laconically。　　I　was　engaged　in　observing　Miss　B；　and
did　not　notice　that　the　women　were　whispering　at　the　end　of　the
room；　that　the　murmur　extended　by　degrees　to　the　men；　that　Madame
S　addressed　the　count　with　much　warmth　（this　was　all　related　to
me　subsequently　by　Miss　B）；　till　at　length　the　count　came　up　to
me；　and　took　me　to　the　window。　　〃You　know　our　ridiculous　customs；〃
he　said。　　〃I　perceive　the　company　is　rather　displeased　at　your
being　here。　　I　would　not　on　any　account〃　　〃I　beg　your　excellency's
pardon！〃　I　exclaimed。　　〃I　ought　to　have　thought　of　this　before；
but　I　know　you　will　forgive　this　little　inattention。　　I　was　going；〃
I　added；　〃some　time　ago；　but　my　evil　genius　detained　me。〃　　And　I
smiled　and　bowed；　to　take　my　leave。　　He　shook　me　by　the　hand；　in
a　manner　which　expressed　everything。　　I　hastened　at　once　from　the
illustrious　assembly；　sprang　into　a　carriage；　and　drove　to　M。
I　contemplated　the　setting　sun　from　the　top　of　the　hill；　and　read
that　beautiful　passage　in　Homer；　where　Ulysses　is　entertained　by
the　hospitable　herdsmen。　　This　was　indeed　delightful。
　　
I　returned　home　to　supper　in　the　evening。　　But　few　persons　were
assembled　in　the　room。　　They　had　turned　up　a　corner　of　the　table…cloth；
and　were　playing　at　dice。　　The　good…natured　A　came　in。　　He　laid
down　his　hat　when　he　saw　me；　approached　me；　and　said　in　a　low　tone；
〃You　have　met　with　a　disagreeable　adventure。〃　　〃I！〃　I　exclaimed。
〃The　count　obliged　you　to　withdraw　from　the　assembly！〃　　〃Deuce
take　the　assembly！〃　said　I。　　〃I　was　very　glad　to　be　gone。〃　　〃I　am
delighted；〃　he　added；　〃that　you　take　it　so　lightly。　　I　am　only
sorry　that　it　is　already　so　much　spoken　of。〃　　The　circumstance
then　began　to　pain　me。　I　fancied　that　every　one　who　sat　down；　and
even　looked　at　me；　was　thinking　of　this　incident；　and　my　heart
became　embittered。

And　now　I　could　plunge　a　dagger　into　my　bosom；　when　I　hear　myself
everywhere　pitied；　and　observe　the　triumph　of　my　enemies；　who　say
that　this　is　always　the　case　with　vain　persons；　whose　heads　are
turned　with　conceit；　who　affect　to　despise　forms　and　such　petty；
idle　nonsense。

Say　what　you　will　of　fortitude；　but　show　me　the　man　who　can　patiently
endure　the　laughter　of　fools；　when　they　have　obtained　an　advantage
over　him。　　'Tis　only　when　their　nonsense　is　without　foundation
that　one　can　suffer　it　without　complaint。

March　16。　

Everything　conspires　against　me。　　I　met　Miss　B　walking　to…day。
I　could　not　help　joining　her；　and；　when　we　were　at　a　little　distance
from　her　companions；　I　expressed　my　sense　of　her　altered　manner
toward　me。　　〃O　Werther！〃　she　said；　in　a　tone　of　emotion；　〃you；　who
know　my　heart；　how　could　you　so　ill　interpret　my　distress？　　What
did　I　not　suffer　for　you；　from　the　moment　you　entered　the　room！
I　foresaw　it　all；　a　hundred　times　was　I　on　the　point　of　mentioning
it　to　you。　　I　knew　that　the　Ss　and　Ts；　with　their　husbands；
would　quit　the　room；　rather　than　remain　in　your　company。　　I　knew
that　the　count　would　not　break　with　them：　and　now　so　much　is　said
about　it。〃　　〃How！〃　I　exclaimed；　and　endeavoured　to　conceal　my
emotion；　for　all　that　Adelin　had　mentioned　to　me　yesterday　recurred
to　me　painfully　at　that　moment。　　〃Oh；　how　much　it　has　already　cost
me！〃　said　this　amiable　girl；　while　her　eyes　filled　with　tears。　　I
could　scarcely　contain　myself；　and　was　ready　to　throw　myself　at
her　feet。　　〃Explain　yourself！〃　　I　cried。　　Tears　flowed　down　her
cheeks。　　I　became　quite　frantic。　　She　wiped　them　away；　without
attempting　to　conceal　them。　　〃You　know　my　aunt；〃　she　continued；
〃she　was　present：　and　in　what　light　does　she　consider　the　affair！
Last　night；　and　this　morning；　Werther；　I　was　compelled　to　listen
to　a　lecture　upon　my；　acquaintance　with　you。　　I　have　been　obliged
to　hear　you　condemned　and　depreciated；　and　I　could　not　　I　dared
not　　say　much　in　your　defence。〃

Every　word　she　uttered　was　a　dagger　to　my　heart。　　She　did　not　feel
what　a　mercy　it　would　have　been　to　conceal　everything　from　me。
She　told　me；　in　addition；　all　the　impertinence　that　would　be　further
circulated；　and　how　the　malicious　would　triumph；　how　they　would
rejoice　over　the　punishment　of　my　pride；　over　my　humiliation　for
that　want　of　esteem　for　others　with　which　I　had　often　been　reproached。
To　hear　all　this；　Wilhelm；　uttered　by　her　in　a　voice　of　the　most
sincere　sympathy；　awakened　all　my　passions；　and　I　am　still　in　a
state　of　extreme　excitement。　　I　wish　I　could　find　a　man　to　jeer
me　about　this　event。　　I　would　sacrifice　him　to　my　resentment。　　The
sight　of　his　blood　might　possibly　be　a　relief　to　my　fury。　　A　hundred
times　have　I　seized　a　dagger；　to　give　ease　to　this　oppressed　heart。
Naturalists　tell　of　a　noble　race　of　horses　that　instinctively　open
a　vein　with　their　teeth；　when　heated　and　exhausted　by　a　long　course；
in　order　to　breathe　more　freely。　　I　am　often　tempted　to　open　a
vein；　to　procure　for　myself　everlasting　liberty。

MARCH　24。　

I　have　tendered　my　resignation　to　the　court。　　I　hope　it　will　be
accepted；　and　you　will　forgive　me　for　not　having　previously　consulted
you。　　It　is　necessary　I　should　leave　this　place。　　I　know　all　you
will　urge　me　to　stay；　and　therefore　I　beg　you　will　soften　this
news　to　my　mother。　　I　am　unable　to　do　anything　for　myself：　how；
then；　should　I　be　competent　to　assist　others？　　It　will　afflict　her
that　I　should　have　interrupted　that　career　which　would　have　made
me　first　a　privy　councillor；　and　then　minister；　and　that　I　should
look　behind　me；　in　place　of　advancing。　　Argue　as　you　will；　combine
all　the　reasons　which　should　have　induced　me　to　remain；　I　am　going：
that　is　sufficient。　　But；　that　you　may　not　be　ignorant　of　my
destination；　I　may　mention　that　the　Prince　of　　is　here。　　He　is
much　pleased　with　my　company；　and；　having　heard　of　my　intention
to　resign；　he　has　invited　me　to　his　country　house；　to　pass　the
spring　months　with　him。　I　shall　be　left　completely　my　own　master；
and；　as　we　agree　on　all　subjects　but　one；　I　shall　try　my　fortune；
and　accompany　him。

APRIL　l9。

Thanks　for　both　your　letters。　　I　delayed　my　reply；　and　withheld
this　letter；　till　I　should　obtain　an　answer　from　the　court。　　I
feared　my　mother　might　apply　to　the　minister　to　defeat　my　purpose。
But　my　request　is　granted；　my　resignation　is　accepted。　　I　shall
not　recount　with　what　reluctance　it　was　accorded；　nor　relate　what
the　minister　has　written：　you　would　only　renew　your　lamentations。
The　crown　prince　has　sent　me　a　present　of　five　and　twenty　ducats；
and；　indeed；　such　goodness　has　affected　me　to　tears。　　For　this
reason　I　shall　not　require　from　my　mother　the　money　for　which　I
lately　applied。

MAY　5。　

I　leave　this　place　to…morrow；　and；　as　my　native　place　is　only　six
miles　from　the　high　road；　I　intend　to　visit　it　once　more；　and
recall　the　happy　dreams　of　my　childhood。　　I　shall　enter　at　the
same　gate　through　which　I　came　with　my　mother；　when；　after　my
father's　death；　she　left　that　delightful　retreat　to　immure　herself
in　your　melancholy　town。　　Adieu；　my　dear　friend：　you　shall　hear　of
my　future　career。

MAY　9。

I　have　paid　my　visit　to　my　native　place　with　all　the　devotion　of
a　pilgrim；　and　have　experienced　many　unexpected　emotions。　　Near
the　great　elm　tree；　which　is　a　quarter　of　a　league　from　the　village；
I　got　out　of　the　carriage；　and　sent　it　on　before；　that　alone；　and
on　foot；　I　might　enjoy　vividly　and　heartily　all　the　pleasure　of
my　recollections。　　I　stood　there　under　that　same　elm　which　was
formerly　the　term　and　object　of　my　walks。　　How　things　have　since
changed！　　Then；　in　happy　ignorance；　I　sighed　for　a　world　I　did　not
know；　where　I　hoped　to　find　every　pleasure　and　enjoyment　which　my
heart　could　desire；　and　now；　on　my　return　from　that　wide　world；　O
my　friend；　how　many　disappointed　hopes　and　unsuccessful　plans　have
I　brought　back！