the sorrows of young werther(少年维特的烦恼)-第18章

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what　is　behind　　because　there　is　no　returning　　and　because　our
mind　infers　that　all　is　darkness　and　confusion；　where　we　have
nothing　but　uncertainty。〃

His　appearance　at　length　became　quite　altered　by　the　effect　of
his　melancholy　thoughts；　and　his　resolution　was　now　finally　and
irrevocably　taken；　of　which　the　following　ambiguous　letter；　which
he　addressed　to　his　friend；　may　appear　to　afford　some　proof。

DECEMBER　2O。

I　am　grateful　to　your　love；　Wilhelm；　for　having　repeated　your
advice　so　seasonably。　　Yes；　you　are　right：　it　is　undoubtedly
better　that　I　should　depart。　　But　I　do　not　entirely　approve　your
scheme　of　returning　at　once　to　your　neighbourhood；　at　least；　I
should　Iike　to　make　a　little　excursion　on　the　way；　particularly
as　we　may　now　expect　a　continued　frost；　and　consequently　good
roads。　　I　am　much　pleased　with　your　intention　of　coming　to　fetch
me；　only　delay　your　journey　for　a　fortnight；　and　wait　for　another
letter　from　me。　　One　should　gather　nothing　before　it　is　ripe；　and
a　fortnight　sooner　or　later　makes　a　great　difference。　　Entreat　my
mother　to　pray　for　her　son；　and　tell　her　I　beg　her　pardon　for　all
the　unhappiness　I　have　occasioned　her。　　It　has　ever　been　my　fate
to　give　pain　to　those　whose　happiness　I　should　have　promoted。
Adieu；　my　dearest　friend。　　May　every　blessing　of　Heaven　attend
you！　　Farewell。

We　find　it　difficult　to　express　the　emotions　with　which　Charlotte's
soul　was　agitated　during　the　whole　of　this　time；　whether　in　relation
to　her　husband　or　to　her　unfortunate　friend；　although　we　are　enabled；
by　our　knowledge　of　her　character；　to　understand　their　nature。

It　is　certain　that　she　had　formed　a　determination；　by　every　means
in　her　power　to　keep　Werther　at　a　distance；　and；　if　she　hesitated
in　her　decision；　it　was　from　a　sincere　feeling　of　friendly　pity；
knowing　how　much　it　would　cost　him；　indeed；　that　he　would　find　it
almost　impossible　to　comply　with　her　wishes。　　But　various　causes
now　urged　her　to　be　firm。　　Her　hushand　preserved　a　strict　silence
about　the　whole　matter；　and　she　never　made　it　a　subject　of
conversation；　feeling　bound　to　prove　to　him　by　her　conduct　that
her　sentiments　agreed　with　his。

The　same　day；　which　was　the　Sunday　before　Christmas；　after　Werther
had　written　the　last…mentioned　letter　to　his　friend；　he　came　in
the　evening　to　Charlotte's　house；　and　found　her　alone。　　She　was
busy　preparing　some　little　gifts　for　her　brothers　and　sisters；
which　were　to　be　distributed　to　them　on　Christmas　Day。　　He　began
talking　of　the　delight　of　the　children；　and　of　that　age　when　the
sudden　appearance　of　the　Christmas…tree；　decorated　with　fruit　and
sweetmeats；　and　lighted　up　with　wax　candles；　causes　such　transports
of　joy。　　〃You　shall　have　a　gift　too；　if　you　behave　well；〃　said
Charlotte；　hiding　her　embarrassment　under　sweet　smile。　　〃And　what
do　you　call　behaving　well？　　What　should　I　do；　what　can　I　do；　my
dear　Charlotte？〃　said　he。　　〃Thursday　night；〃　she　answered；　〃is
Christmas　Eve。　　The　children　are　all　to　be　here；　and　my　father　too：
there　is　a　present　for　each；　do　you　come　likewise；　but　do　not　come
before　that　time。〃　　Werther　started。　　〃I　desire　you　will　not：　it　must
be　so；〃　she　continued。　　〃I　ask　it　of　you　as　a　favour；　for　my　own
peace　and　tranquillity。　　We　cannot　go　on　in　this　manner　any　longer。〃
He　turned　away　his　face　walked　hastily　up　and　down　the　room；　muttering
indistinctly；　〃We　cannot　go　on　in　this　manner　any　longer！〃　　Charlotte；
seeing　the　violent　agitation　into　which　these　words　had　thrown　him；
endeavoured　to　divert　his　thoughts　by　different　questions；　but　in　vain。
〃No；　Charlotte！〃　he　exclaimed；　〃I　will　never　see　you　any　more！〃
〃And　why　so？〃　she　answered。　〃We　may　　we　must　see　each　other
again；　only　let　it　be　with　more　discretion。　　Oh！　why　were　you　born
with　that　excessive；　that　ungovernable　passion　for　everything　that
is　dear　to　you？〃　　Then；　taking　his　hand；　she　said；　〃I　entreat　of
you　to　be　more　calm：　your　talents；　your　understanding；　your　genius；
will　furnish　you　with　a　thousand　resources。　　Be　a　man；　and　conquer
an　unhappy　attachment　toward　a　creature　who　can　do　nothing　but　pity
you。〃　　He　bit　his　lips；　and　looked　at　her　with　a　gloomy　countenance。
She　continued　to　hold　his　hand。　　〃Grant　me　but　a　moment's　patience；
Werther；〃　she　said。　　〃Do　you　not　see　that　you　are　deceiving　yourself；
that　you　are　seeking　your　own　destruction？　　Why　must　you　love　me；
me　only；　who　belong　to　another？　　I　fear；　I　much　fear；　that　it　is
only　the　impossibility　of　possessing　me　which　makes　your　desire　for
me　so　strong。〃　　He　drew　back　his　hand；　whilst　he　surveyed　her　with
a　wild　and　angry　look。　　〃'Tis　well！〃　he　exclaimed；　〃'tis　very　well！
Did　not　Albert　furnish　you　with　this　reflection？　　It　is　profound；
a　very　profound　remark。〃　　〃A　reflection　that　any　one　might　easily
make；〃　she　answered；　〃and　is　there　not　a　woman　in　the　whole　world
who　is　at　liberty；　and　has　the　power　to　make　you　happy？　　Conquer
yourself：　look　for　such　a　being；　and　believe　me　when　I　say　that　you
will　certainly　find　her。　　I　have　long　felt　for　you；　and　for　us　all：
you　have　confined　yourself　too　long　within　the　limits　of　too　narrow
a　circle。　　Conquer　yourself；　make　an　effort：　a　short　journey　will
be　of　service　to　you。　　Seek　and　find　an　object　worthy　of　your　love；
then　return　hither；　and　let　us　enjoy　together　all　the　happiness　of
the　most　perfect　friendship。〃

〃This　speech；〃　replied　Werther　with　a　cold　smile；　〃this　speech
should　be　printed；　for　the　benefit　of　all　teachers。　　My　dear
Charlotte；　allow　me　but　a　short　time　longer；　and　all　will　be　well。〃
〃But　however；　Werther；〃　she　added；　〃do　not　come　again　before
Christmas。〃　　He　was　about　to　make　some　answer；　when　Albert　came　in。
They　saluted　each　other　coldly；　and　with　mutual　embarrassment　paced
up　and　down　the　room。　　Werther　made　some　common　remarks；　Albert
did　the　same；　and　their　conversation　soon　dropped。　　Albert　asked
his　wife　about　some　household　matters；　and；　finding　that　his
commissions　were　not　executed；　he　used　some　expressions　which；　to
Werther's　ear；　savoured　of　extreme　harshness。　　He　wished　to　go；
but　had　not　power　to　move；　and　in　this　situation　he　remained　till
eight　o'clock；　his　uneasiness　and　discontent　continually　increasing。
At　length　the　cloth　was　laid　for　supper；　and　he　took　up　his　hat
and　stick。　　Albert　invited　him　to　remain；　but　Werther；　fancying
that　he　was　merely　paying　a　formal　compliment；　thanked　him　coldly；
amd　left　the　house。

Werther　returned　home；　took　the　candle　from　his　servant；　and　retired
to　his　room　alone。　　He　talked　for　some　time　with　great　earnestness
to　himself；　wept　aloud；　walked　in　a　state　of　great　excitement
through　his　chamber；　till　at　length；　without　undressing；　he　threw
himself　on　the　bed；　where　he　was　found　by　his　servant　at　eleven
o'clock；　when　the　latter　ventured　to　enter　the　room；　and　take　off
his　boots。　　Werther　did　not　prevent　him；　but　forbade　him　to　come　in
the　morning　till　he　should　ring。

On　Monday　morning；　the　21st　of　December；　he　wrote　to　Charlotte　the
following　letter；　which　was　found；　sealed；　on　his　bureau　after　his
death；　and　was　given　to　her。　　I　shall　insert　it　in　fragments；　as
it　appears；　from　several　circumstances；　to　have　been　written　in
that　manner。

〃It　is　all　over；　Charlotte：　I　am　resolved　to　die！　　I　make　this
declaration　deliberately　and　coolly；　without　any　romantic　passion；
on　this　morning　of　the　day　when　I　am　to　see　you　for　the　last　time。
At　the　moment　you　read　these　lines；　O　best　of　women；　the　cold　grave
will　hold　the　inanimate　remains　of　that　restless　and　unhappy　being
who；　in　the　last　moments　of　his　existence；　knew　no　pleasure　so
great　as　that　of　conversing　with　you！　　I　have　passed　a　dreadful
night　or　rather；　let　me　say；　a　propitious　one；　for　it　has　given
me　resolution；　it　has　fixed　my　purpose。　　I　am　resolved　to　die。
When　I　tore　myself　from　you　yesterday；　my　senses　were　in　tumult
and　disorder；　my　heart　was　oppressed；　hope　and　pleasure　had　fled
from　me　for　ever；　and　a　petrifying　cold　had　seized　my　wretched
being。　　I　could　scarcely　reach　my　room。　　I　threw　myself　on　my　knees；
and　Heaven；　for　the　last　time；　granted　me　the　consolation　of
shedding　tears。　　A　thousand　ideas；　a　thousand　schemes；　arose　within
my　soul；　till　at　length　one　last；　fixed；　final　thought　took
possession　of　my　heart。　　It　was　to　die。　　I　lay　down　to　rest；　and
in　the　morning；　in　the　quiet　hour　of　awakening；　the　same　determination
was　upon　me。　　To　die！　　It　is　not　despair：　it　is　conviction　that　I
have　filled　up　the　measure　of　my　sufferings；　that　I　have　reached
my　appointed　term；　and　must　sacrifice　myself　for　thee。　　Yes；
Charlotte；　why　should　I　not　avow　it？　　One　of　us　three　must　die：
it　shall　be　Werther。　　O　beloved　Charlotte！　this　heart；　excited　by
rage　and　fury；　has　often　conceived　the　horrid　idea　of　murdering
your　husband　　you　　myself！　　The　lot　is　cast　at　length。　　And
in　the　bright；　quiet　evenings　of　summer；　when　you　sometimes　wander
toward　the　mountains；　let　your　thoughts　then　turn　to　me：　recollect
how　often　you　have　watched　me　coming　to　meet　you　from　the　valley；
then　bend　your　eyes　upon　the　churchyard　which　contains　my　grave；
and；　by　the　light　of　the　setting　sun；　mark　how　the　evening　breeze
waves　the　tall　grass　which　grows　above　my　tomb。　　I　was　calm　when
I　began　this　letter；　but　the　recollection　of　these　scenes　makes
me　weep　like　a　child。〃
　
About　ten　in　the　morning；　Werther　called　his　servant；　and；　whilst
he　was　dressing；　told　him　that　in　a　few　days　he　intended　to　set
out　upon　a　journey；　and　bade　him　therefore　lay　his　clothes　in
order；　and　prepare　them　for　packing　up；　call　in　all　his　accounts；
fetch　home　the　books　he　had　lent；　and　give　two　months'　pay　to　the
poor　dependants　who　were　accustomed　to　receive　from　him　a　weekly
allowance。

He　breakfasted　in　his　room；　and　then　mounted　his　horse；　and　went
to　visit　the　steward；　who；　however；　was　not　at　home。　　He　walked
pensively　in　the　garden；　and　seemed　anxious　to　renew　all　the　ideas
that　were　most　painful　to　him。

The　children　did　not　suffer　him　to　remain　alone　long。　　They　followed
him；　skipping　and　dancing　before　him；　and　told　him；　that　after
to…morrow　and　tomorrow　and　one　day　more；　they　were　to　receive　their
Christmas　gift　from　Charlotte；　and　they　then　recounted　all　the
wonders　of　which　they　had　formed　ideas　in　their　child　imaginations。
〃Tomorrow　and　tomorrow；〃　said　he；　〃and　one　day　more！〃　　And　he
kissed　them　tenderly。　　He　was　going；　but　the　younger　boy　stopped
him；　to　whisper　something　in　his　ear。　　He　told　him　that　his　elder
brothers　had　written　splendid　New…Year's　wishes　so　large！　one　for
papa；　and　another　for　Albert　and　Charlotte；　and　one　for　Werther；
and　they　were　to　be　presented　early　in　the　morning；　on　New　Year's
Day。　　This　quite　overcame　him。　　He　made　each　of　the　children　a
present；　mounted　his　horse；　left　his　compliments　for　papa　and
mamma；　and；　with　tears　in　his　eyes；　rode　away　from　the　place。

He　returned　home　about　five　o'clock；　ordered　his　servant　to　keep
up　his　fire；　desired　him　to　pack　his　books　and　linen　at　the　bottom
of　the　trunk；　and　to　place　his　coats　at　the　top。　　He　then　appears
to　have　made　the　following　addition　to　the　letter　addressed　to
Charlotte：

〃You　do　not　expect　me。　　You　think　I　will　obey　you；　and　not　visit
you　again　till　Christmas　Eve。　　O　Charlo