camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第17章
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receipt。
Then； when God allows love to a courtesan； that love； which at first
seems like a pardon； becomes for her almost without penitence。 When a
creature who has all her past to reproach herself with is taken all at once
by a profound； sincere； irresistible love； of which she had never felt herself
capable； when she has confessed her love； how absolutely the man whom
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she loves dominates her！ How strong he feels with his cruel right to say：
You do no more for love than you have done for money。 They know not
what proof to give。 A child； says the fable； having often amused himself by
crying 〃Help！ a wolf！〃 in order to disturb the labourers in the field； was
one day devoured by a Wolf； because those whom he had so often
deceived no longer believed in his cries for help。 It is the same with these
unhappy women when they love seriously。 They have lied so often that no
one will believe them； and in the midst of their remorse they are devoured
by their love。
Hence those great devotions； those austere retreats from the world； of
which some of them have given an example。
But when the man who inspires this redeeming love is great enough in
soul to receive it without remembering the past； when he gives himself up
to it； when； in short； he loves as he is loved； this man drains at one draught
all earthly emotions； and after such a love his heart will be closed to every
other。
I did not make these reflections on the morning when I returned home。
They could but have been the presentiment of what was to happen to me；
and； despite my love for Marguerite； I did not foresee such consequences。
I make these reflections to…day。 Now that all is irrevocably ended； they a
rise naturally out of what has taken place。
But to return to the first day of my liaison。 When I reached home I was
in a state of mad gaiety。 As I thought of how the barriers which my
imagination had placed between Marguerite and myself had disappeared；
of how she was now mine； of the place I now had in her thoughts； of the
key to her room which I had in my pocket； and of my right to use this key；
I was satisfied with life； proud of myself； and I loved God because he had
let such things be。
One day a young man is passing in the street； he brushes against a
woman； looks at her； turns； goes on his way。 He does not know the woman；
and she has pleasures； griefs； loves； in which he has no part。 He does not
exist for her； and perhaps； if he spoke to her； she would only laugh at him；
as Marguerite had laughed at me。 Weeks； months； years pass； and all at
once； when they have each followed their fate along a different path； the
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logic of chance brings them face to face。 The woman becomes the man's
mistress and loves him。 How？ why？ Their two existences are henceforth
one； they have scarcely begun to know one another when it seems as if
they had known one another always； and all that had gone before is wiped
out from the memory of the two lovers。 It is curious； one must admit。
As for me； I no longer remembered how I had lived before that night。
My whole being was exalted into joy at the memory of the words we had
exchanged during that first night。 Either Marguerite was very clever in
deception； or she had conceived for me one of those sudden passions
which are revealed in the first kiss； and which die； often enough； as
suddenly as they were born。
The more I reflected the more I said to myself that Marguerite had no
reason for feigning a love which she did not feel； and I said to myself also
that women have two ways of loving； one of which may arise from the
other： they love with the heart or with the senses。 Often a woman takes a
lover in obedience to the mere will of the senses； and learns without
expecting it the mystery of immaterial love； and lives henceforth only
through her heart； often a girl who has sought in marriage only the union
of two pure affections receives the sudden revelation of physical love； that
energetic conclusion of the purest impressions of the soul。
In the midst of these thoughts I fell asleep； I was awakened by a letter
from Marguerite containing these words：
〃Here are my orders： To…night at the Vaudeville。
〃Come during the third entr'acte。〃
I put the letter into a drawer； so that I might always have it at band in
case I doubted its reality； as I did from time to time。
She did not tell me to come to see her during the day； and I dared not
go； but I had so great a desire to see her before the evening that I went to
the Champs…Elysees； where I again saw her pass and repass； as I had on
the previous day。
At seven o'clock I was at the Vaudeville。 Never had I gone to a theatre
so early。 The boxes filled one after another。 Only one remained empty； the
stage box。 At the beginning of the third act I heard the door of the box； on
which my eyes had been almost constantly fixed； open； and Marguerite
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appeared。 She came to the front at once； looked around the stalls； saw me；
and thanked me with a look。
That night she was marvellously beautiful。 Was I the cause of this
coquetry？ Did she love me enough to believe that the more beautiful she
looked the happier I should be？ I did not know； but if that had been her
intention she certainly succeeded； for when she appeared all heads turned；
and the actor who was then on the stage looked to see who had produced
such an effect on the audience by her mere presence there。
And I had the key of this woman's room； and in three or four hours she
would again be mine！
People blame those who let themselves be ruined by actresses and kept
women； what astonishes me is that twenty times greater follies are not
committed for them。 One must have lived that life； as I have； to know how
much the little vanities which they afford their lovers every day help to
fasten deeper into the heart； since we have no other word for it； the love
which he has for them。
Prudence next took her place in the box； and a man； whom I
recognised as the Comte de G。； seated himself at the back。 As I saw him； a
cold shiver went through my heart。
Doubtless Marguerite perceived the impression made on me by the
presence of this man； for she smiled to me again； and； turning her back to
the count； appeared to be very attentive to the play。 At the third entr'acte
she turned and said two words： the count left the box； and Marguerite
beckoned to me to come to her。
〃Good…evening；〃 she said as I entered； holding out her hand。
〃Good…evening；〃 I replied to both Marguerite and Prudence。
〃Sit down。〃
〃But I am taking some one's place。 Isn't the Comte de G。 coming
back？〃
〃Yes； I sent him to fetch some sweets； so that we could talk by
ourselves for a moment。 Mme。 Duvernoy is in the secret。〃
〃Yes； my children；〃 said she； 〃have no fear。 I shall say nothing。〃
〃What is the matter with you to…night？〃 said Marguerite； rising and
coming to the back of the box and kissing me on the forehead。
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〃I am not very well。〃
〃You should go to bed；〃 she replied； with that ironical air which went
so well with her delicate and witty face。
〃Where？〃
〃At home。〃
〃You know that I shouldn't be able to sleep there。〃
〃Well； then； it won't do for you to come and be pettish here because
you have seen a man in my box。〃
〃It is not for that reason。〃
〃Yes； it is。 I know； and you are wrong； so let us say no more about it。
You will go back with Prudence after the theatre； and you will stay there
till I call。 Do you understand？〃
〃Yes。〃
How could I disobey？
〃You still love me？〃
〃Can you ask？〃
〃You have thought of me？〃
〃All day long。〃
〃Do you know that I am really afraid that I shall get very fond of you？
Ask Prudence。〃
〃Ah；〃 said she； 〃it is amazing！〃
〃Now； you must go back to your seat。 The count will be coming back；
and there is nothing to be gained by his finding you here。〃 〃Because you
don't like seeing him。〃
〃No； only if you had told me that you wanted to come to the
Vaudeville to…night I could have got this box for you as well as he。〃
〃Unfortunately； he got it for me without my asking him； and he asked
me to go with him； you know well enough that I couldn't refuse。 All I
could do was to write and tell you where I was going； so that you could
see me； and because I wanted to see you myself； but since this is the way
you thank me； I shall profit by the lesson。〃
〃I was wrong； forgive me。〃
〃Well and good； and now go back nicely to your place； and； above all；
no more jealousy。〃
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She kissed me again； and I left the box。 In the passage I met the count
coming back。 I returned to my seat。
After all； the presence of M。 de G。 in Marguerite's box was the most
natural thing in the world。 He had been her lover； he sent her a box； he
accompanied her to the theatre； it was all quite natural； and if I was to
have a mistress like Marguerite I should have to get used to her ways。
Nonetheless； I was very unhappy all the rest of the evening； and went
away very sadly after having seen Prudence； the count； and Marguerite get
into the carriage； which was waiting for them at the door。
However； a quarter of an hour later I was at Prudence's。 She had only
just got in。
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CHAPTER 13
〃You have come almost as quickly as
