camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第19章
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else； that many people would be very happy to be in my place； and that；
like Virgil's shepherd； I had only to enjoy the pleasures that a god； or
rather a goddess； set before me。
I tried to put in practice the theories of Prudence； and to be as gay as
my two companions； but what was natural in them was on my part an
effort； and the nervous laughter； whose source they did not detect； was
nearer to tears than to mirth。
At last the supper was over and I was alone with Marguerite。 She sat
down as usual on the hearthrug before the fire and gazed sadly into the
flames。 What was she thinking of？ I know not。 As for me； I looked at her
with a mingling of love and terror； as I thought of all that I was ready to
suffer for her sake。
〃Do you know what I am thinking of？〃
〃No。〃
〃Of a plan that has come into my head。〃
〃And what is this plan？〃
〃I can't tell you yet； but I can tell you what the result would be。 The
result would be that in a month I should be free； I should have no more
debts； and we could go and spend the summer in the country。〃
〃And you can't tell me by what means？〃 〃No； only love me as I love
you； and all will succeed。〃
〃And have you made this plan all by yourself？〃
〃Yes。 〃And you will carry it out all by yourself？〃
〃I alone shall have the trouble of it；〃 said Marguerite； with a smile
which I shall never forget； 〃but we shall both partake its benefits。〃
I could not help flushing at the word benefits； I thought of Manon
Lescaut squandering with Desgrieux the money of M。 de B。
I replied in a hard voice； rising from my seat：
〃You must permit me； my dear Marguerite； to share only the benefits
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of those enterprises which I have conceived and carried out myself。〃
〃What does that mean？〃
〃It means that I have a strong suspicion that M。 de G。 is to be your
associate in this pretty plan； of which I can accept neither the cost nor the
benefits
〃What a child you are！ I thought you loved me。 I was mistaken； all
right。〃
She rose； opened the piano and began to play the Invitation a la Valse；
as far as the famous passage in the major which always stopped her。 Was it
through force of habit； or was it to remind me of the day when we first met？
All I know is that the melody brought back that recollection； and； coming
up to her； I took her head between my hands and kissed her。 〃You forgive
me？〃 I said。
〃You see I do；〃 she answered； 〃but observe that we are only at our
second day； and already I have had to forgive you something。 Is this how
you keep your promise of blind obedience？〃
〃What can I do； Marguerite？ I love you too much and I am jealous of
the least of your thoughts。 What you proposed to me just now made me
frantic with delight； but the mystery in its carrying out hurts me
dreadfully。〃
〃Come； let us reason it out；〃 she said； taking both my hands and
looking at me with a charming smile which it was impossible to resist；
〃You love me； do you not？ and you would gladly spend two or three
months alone with me in the country？ I too should be glad of this solitude
a deux； and not only glad of it； but my health requires it。 I can not leave
Paris for such a length of time without putting my affairs in order； and the
affairs of a woman like me are always in great confusion； well； I have
found a way to reconcile everything； my money affairs and my love for
you； yes； for you； don't laugh； I am silly enough to love you！ And here you
are taking lordly airs and talking big words。 Child； thrice child； only
remember that I love you； and don't let anything disturb you。 Now； is it
agreed？〃
〃I agree to all you wish； as you know。〃
〃Then； in less than a month's time we shall be in some village； walking
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by the river side； and drinking milk。 Does it seem strange that Marguerite
Gautier should speak to you like that？ The fact is； my friend； that when
this Paris life； which seems to make me so happy； doesn't burn me； it
wearies me； and then I have sudden aspirations toward a calmer existence
which might recall my childhood。 One has always had a childhood；
whatever one becomes。 Don't be alarmed； I am not going to tell you that I
am the daughter of a colonel on half…pay； and that I was brought up at
Saint…Denis。 I am a poor country girl； and six years ago I could not write
my own name。 You are relieved； aren't you？ Why is it you are the first
whom I have ever asked to share the joy of this desire of mine？ I suppose
because I feel that you love me for myself and not for yourself； while all
the others have only loved me for themselves。
〃I have often been in the country； but never as I should like to go there。
I count on you for this easy happiness； do not be unkind； let me have it。
Say this to yourself： 'She will never live to be old； and I should some day
be sorry for not having done for her the first thing she asked of me； such
an easy thing to do！'〃
What could I reply to such words； especially with the memory of a
first night of love； and in the expectation of a second？
An hour later I held Marguerite in my arms； and； if she had asked me
to commit a crime； I would have obeyed her。
At six in the morning I left her； and before leaving her I said： 〃Till to…
night！〃 She kissed me more warmly than ever； but said nothing。
During the day I received a note containing these words：
〃DEAR CHILD： I am not very well； and the doctor has ordered quiet。
I shall go to bed early to…night and shall not see you。 But； to make up； I
shall expect you to…morrow at twelve。 I love you。〃
My first thought was： She is deceiving me！
A cold sweat broke out on my forehead； for I already loved this
woman too much not to be overwhelmed by the suspicion。 And yet； I was
bound to expect such a thing almost any day with Marguerite； and it had
happened to me often enough with my other mistresses； without my taking
much notice of it。 What was the meaning of the hold which this woman
had taken upon my life？
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Then it occurred to me； since I had the key； to go and see her as usual。
In this way I should soon know the truth； and if I found a man there I
would strike him in the face。
Meanwhile I went to the Champs…Elysees。 I waited there four hours。
She did not appear。 At night I went into all the theatres where she was
accustomed to go。 She was in none of them。
At eleven o'clock I went to the Rue d'Antin。 There was no light in
Marguerite's windows。 All the same； I rang。 The porter asked me where I
was going。
〃To Mlle。 Gautier's；〃 I said。
〃She has not come in。〃
〃I will go up and wait for her。〃
〃There is no one there。〃
Evidently I could get in； since I had the key； but； fearing foolish
scandal； I went away。 Only I did not return home； I could not leave the
street； and I never took my eyes off Marguerite's house。 It seemed to me
that there was still something to be found out； or at least that my
suspicions were about to be confirmed。
About midnight a carriage that I knew well stopped before No。 9。 The
Comte de G。 got down and entered the house； after sending away the
carriage。 For a moment I hoped that the same answer would be given to
him as to me； and that I should see him come out； but at four o'clock in the
morning I was still awaiting him。
I have suffered deeply during these last three weeks； but that is nothing；
I think； in comparison with what I suffered that night。
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CHAPTER 14
When I reached home I began to cry like a child。 There is no man to
whom a woman has not been unfaithful； once at least； and who will not
know what I suffered。
I said to myself； under the weight of these feverish resolutions which
one always feels as if one had the force to carry out； that I must break with
my amour at once； and I waited impatiently for daylight in order to set out
forthwith to rejoin my father and my sister； of whose love at least I was
certain； and certain that that love would never be betrayed。
However； I did not wish to go away without letting Marguerite know
why I went。 Only a man who really cares no more for his mistress leaves
her without writing to her。 I made and remade twenty letters in my head。 I
had had to do with a woman like all other women of the kind。 I had been
poetizing too much。 She had treated me like a school…boy； she had used in
deceiving me a trick which was insultingly simple。 My self…esteem got the
upper hand。 I must leave this woman without giving her the satisfaction of
knowing that she had made me suffer； and this is what I wrote to her in my
most elegant handwriting and with tears of rage and sorrow in my eyes：
〃MY DEAR MARGUERITE： I hope that your indisposition yesterday
was not serious。 I came； at eleven at night； to ask after you； and was told
that you had not come in。 M。 de G。 was more fortunate； for he presented
himself shortly afterward； and at four in the morning he had not left。
〃Forgive me for the few tedious hours that I have given you； and be
assured that I shall never forget the happy moments which I owe to you。
〃I should have called to…day to ask after you； but I intend going back
to my father's。
〃Good…bye； my dear Marguerite。 I am not rich enough to love you as I
would nor poor enough to love you as you would。 Let us then forget； you a
name which must be indifferent enough to you； I a happiness which has
become impossible。
〃I send back your key； which I have never used； and which mi
