camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第20章
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become impossible。
〃I send back your key； which I have never used； and which might be
useful to you； if you are often ill as you were yesterday。〃
As you will see； I was unable to end my letter without a touch of
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impertinent irony； which proved how much in love I still was。
I read and reread this letter ten times over； then the thought of the pain
it would give to Marguerite calmed me a little。 I tried to persuade myself
of the feelings which it professed； and when my servant came to my room
at eight o'clock； I gave it to him and told him to take it at once。
〃Shall I wait for an answer？〃 asked Joseph （my servant； like all
servants； was called Joseph）。
〃If they ask whether there is a reply； you will say that you don't know；
and wait。〃
I buoyed myself up with the hope that she would reply。 Poor； feeble
creatures that we are！ All the time that my servant was away I was in a
state of extreme agitation。 At one moment I would recall how Marguerite
had given herself to me； and ask myself by what right I wrote her an
impertinent letter； when she could reply that it was not M。 de G。 who
supplanted me； but I who had supplanted M。 de G。： a mode of reasoning
which permits many women to have many lovers。 At another moment I
would recall her promises； and endeavour to convince myself that my
letter was only too gentle； and that there were not expressions forcible
enough to punish a woman who laughed at a love like mine。 Then I said to
myself that I should have done better not to have written to her； but to
have gone to see her； and that then I should have had the pleasure of
seeing the tears that she would shed。 Finally； I asked myself what she
would reply to me； already prepared to believe whatever excuse she made。
Joseph returned。
〃Well？〃 I said to him。
〃Sir；〃 said he； 〃madame was not up； and still asleep； but as soon as she
rings the letter will be taken to her； and if there is any reply it will be sent。〃
She was asleep！
Twenty times I was on the point of sending to get the letter back； but
every time I said to myself： 〃Perhaps she will have got it already； and it
would look as if I have repented of sending it。〃
As the hour at which it seemed likely that she would reply came nearer；
I regretted more and more that I had written。 The clock struck； ten； eleven；
twelve。 At twelve I was on the point of keeping the appointment as if
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nothing had happened。 In the end I could see no way out of the circle of
fire which closed upon me。
Then I began to believe； with the superstition which people have when
they are waiting； that if I went out for a little while； I should find an
answer when I got back。 I went out under the pretext of going to lunch。
Instead of lunching at the Cafe Foy； at the corner of the Boulevard； as I
usually did； I preferred to go to the Palais Royal and so pass through the
Rue d'Antin。 Every time that I saw a woman at a distance； I fancied it was
Nanine bringing me an answer。 I passed through the Rue d'Antin without
even coming across a commissionaire。 I went to Very's in the Palais Royal。
The waiter gave me something to eat； or rather served up to me whatever
he liked； for I ate nothing。 In spite of myself； my eyes were constantly
fixed on the clock。 I returned home； certain that I should find a letter from
Marguerite。
The porter had received nothing； but I still hoped in my servant。 He
had seen no one since I went out。
If Marguerite had been going to answer me she would have answered
long before。
Then I began to regret the terms of my letter； I should have said
absolutely nothing； and that would undoubtedly have aroused her
suspicions； for； finding that I did not keep my appointment； she would
have inquired the reason of my absence； and only then I should have given
it to her。 Thus； she would have had to exculpate herself； and what I wanted
was for her to exculpate herself。 I already realized that I should have
believed whatever reasons she had given me； and anything was better than
not to see her again。
At last I began to believe that she would come to see me herself； but
hour followed hour； and she did not come。
Decidedly Marguerite was not like other women； for there are few who
would have received such a letter as I had just written without answering it
at all。
At five； I hastened to the Champs…Elysees。 〃If I meet her；〃 I thought； 〃I
will put on an indifferent air； and she will be convinced that I no longer
think about her。〃
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As I turned the corner of the Rue Royale； I saw her pass in her carriage。
The meeting was so sudden that I turned pale。 I do not know if she saw my
emotion； as for me； I was so agitated that I saw nothing but the carriage。
I did not go any farther in the direction of the Champs…Elysees。 I
looked at the advertisements of the theatres； for I had still a chance of
seeing her。 There was a first night at the Palais Royal。 Marguerite was sure
to be there。 I was at the theatre by seven。 The boxes filled one after
another； but Marguerite was not there。 I left the Palais Royal and went to
all the theatres where she was most often to be seen： to the Vaudeville； the
Varietes； the Opera Comique。 She was nowhere。
Either my letter had troubled her too much for her to care to go to the
theatre； or she feared to come across me； and so wished to avoid an
explanation。 So my vanity was whispering to me on the boulevards； when
I met Gaston； who asked me where I had been。
〃At the Palais Royal。〃
〃And I at the Opera；〃 said he； 〃I expected to see you there。〃
〃Why？〃
〃Because Marguerite was there。〃
〃Ah； she was there？〃
〃Yes。
〃Alone？〃
〃No； with another woman。〃
〃That all？〃
〃The Comte de G。 came to her box for an instant； but she went off with
the duke。 I expected to see you every moment； for there was a stall at my
side which remained empty the whole evening； and I was sure you had
taken it。〃
〃But why should I go where Marguerite goes？〃
〃Because you are her lover； surely！〃
〃Who told you that？〃
〃Prudence； whom I met yesterday。 I give you my congratulations； my
dear fellow； she is a charming mistress； and it isn't everybody who has the
chance。 Stick to her； she will do you credit。〃
These simple reflections of Gaston showed me how absurd had been
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my susceptibilities。 If I had only met him the night before and he had
spoken to me like that； I should certainly not have written the foolish letter
which I had written。
I was on the point of calling on Prudence； and of sending her to tell
Marguerite that I wanted to speak to her； but I feared that she would
revenge herself on me by saying that she could not see me； and I returned
home； after passing through the Rue d'Antin。 Again I asked my porter if
there was a letter for me。 Nothing！ She is waiting to see if I shall take
some fresh step； and if I retract my letter of to…day； I said to myself as I
went to bed； but； seeing that I do not write； she will write to me to…
morrow。
That night； more than ever； I reproached myself for what I had done。 I
was alone； unable to sleep； devoured by restlessness and jealousy； when by
simply letting things take their natural course I should have been with
Marguerite； hearing the delicious words which I had heard only twice； and
which made my ears burn in my solitude。
The most frightful part of the situation was that my judgment was
against me； as a matter of fact； everything went to prove that Marguerite
loved me。 First； her proposal to spend the summer with me in the country；
then the certainty that there was no reason why she should be my mistress；
since my income was insufficient for her needs and even for her caprices。
There could not then have been on her part anything but the hope of
finding in me a sincere affection； able to give her rest from the mercenary
loves in whose midst she lived； and on the very second day I had
destroyed this hope； and paid by impertinent irony for the love which I had
accepted during two nights。 What I had done was therefore not merely
ridiculous； it was indelicate。 I had not even paid the woman； that I might
have some right to find fault with her； withdrawing after two days； was I
not like a parasite of love； afraid of having to pay the bill of the banquet？
What！ I had only known Marguerite for thirty…six hours； I had been her
lover for only twenty…four； and instead of being too happy that she should
grant me all that she did； I wanted to have her all to myself； and to make
her sever at one stroke all her past relations which were the revenue of her
future。 What had I to reproach in her？ Nothing。 She had written to say she
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was unwell； when she might have said to me quite crudely； with the
hideous frankness of certain women； that she had to see a lover； and；
instead of believing her letter； instead of going to any street in Paris except
the Rue d'Antin； instead of spending the evening with my friends； and
presenting myself next day at the appointed hour； I was acting the Othello；
spying upon her； and thinking to punish her by seeing her no more。 But； on
the contrary； she ought to be enchanted
