camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第32章
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When one's existence has contracted a habit； such as that of this love；
it seems impossible that the habit should be broken without at the same
time breaking all the other springs of life。 I was forced from time to time
to reread Marguerite's letter； in order to convince myself that I had not
been dreaming。
My body； succumbing to the moral shock； was incapable of movement。
Anxiety； the night walk； and the morning's news had prostrated me。 My
father profited by this total prostration of all my faculties to demand of me
a formal promise to accompany him。 I promised all that he asked； for I
was incapable of sustaining a discussion； and I needed some affection to
help me to live； after what had happened。 I was too thankful that my father
was willing to console me under such a calamity。
All that I remember is that on that day； about five o'clock； he took me
with him in a post…chaise。 Without a word to me； he had had my luggage
packed and put up behind the chaise with his own； and so he carried me
off。 I did not realize what I was doing until the town had disappeared and
the solitude of the road recalled to me the emptiness of my heart。 Then my
tears again began to flow。
My father had realized that words； even from him； would do nothing
to console me； and he let me weep without saying a word； only sometimes
pressing my hand； as if to remind me that I had a friend at my side。
At night I slept a little。 I dreamed of Marguerite。
I woke with a start； not recalling why I was in the carriage。 Then the
truth came back upon me； and I let my head sink on my breast。 I dared not
say anything to my father。 I was afraid he would say； 〃You see I was right
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when I declared that this woman did not love you。〃 But he did not use his
advantage； and we reached C。 without his having said anything to me
except to speak of matters quite apart from the event which had
occasioned my leaving Paris。
When I embraced my sister； I remembered what Marguerite had said
about her in her letter； and I saw at once how little my sister； good as she
was； would be able to make me forget my mistress。
Shooting had begun； and my father thought that it would be a
distraction for me。 He got up shooting parties with friends and neighbours。
I went without either reluctance or enthusiasm； with that sort of apathy
into which I had sunk since my departure。
We were beating about for game and I was given my post。 I put down
my unloaded gun at my side； and meditated。 I watched the clouds pass。 I
let my thought wander over the solitary plains； and from time to time I
heard some one call to me and point to a hare not ten paces off。 None of
these details escaped my father； and he was not deceived by my exterior
calm。 He was well aware that； broken as I now was； I should some day
experience a terrible reaction； which might be dangerous； and； without
seeming to make any effort to console me； he did his utmost to distract my
thoughts。
My sister； naturally； knew nothing of what had happened； and she
could not understand how it was that I； who had formerly been so
lighthearted； had suddenly become so sad and dreamy。
Sometimes； surprising in the midst of my sadness my father's anxious
scrutiny； I pressed his hand as if to ask him tacitly to forgive me for the
pain which； in spite of myself； I was giving him。
Thus a month passed； but at the end of that time I could endure it no
longer。 The memory of Marguerite pursued me unceasingly。 I had loved； I
still loved this woman so much that I could not suddenly become
indifferent to her。 I had to love or to hate her。 Above all； whatever I felt for
her； I had to see her again； and at once。 This desire possessed my mind；
and with all the violence of a will which had begun to reassert itself in a
body so long inert。
It was not enough for me to see Marguerite in a month； a week。 I had
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to see her the very next day after the day when the thought had occurred to
me； and I went to my father and told him that I had been called to Paris on
business； but that I should return promptly。 No doubt he guessed the
reason of my departure； for he insisted that I should stay； but； seeing that if
I did not carry out my intention the consequences； in the state in which I
was； might be fatal； he embraced me； and begged me； almost； with tears；
to return without delay。
I did not sleep on the way to Paris。 Once there； what was I going to do？
I did not know； I only knew that it must be something connected with
Marguerite。 I went to my rooms to change my clothes； and； as the weather
was fine and it was still early； I made my way to the Champs…Elysees。 At
the end of half an hour I saw Marguerite's carriage； at some distance；
coming from the Rond…Point to the Place de la Concorde。 She had
repurchased her horses； for the carriage was just as I was accustomed to
see it； but she was not in it。 Scarcely had I noticed this fact； when looking
around me； I saw Marguerite on foot； accompanied by a woman whom I
had never seen。
As she passed me she turned pale； and a nervous smile tightened about
her lips。 For my part； my heart beat violently in my breast； but I succeeded
in giving a cold expression to my face； as I bowed coldly to my former
mistress； who just then reached her carriage； into which she got with her
friend。
I knew Marguerite： this unexpected meeting must certainly have upset
her。 No doubt she had heard that I had gone away； and had thus been
reassured as to the consequences of our rupture； but； seeing me again in
Paris； finding herself face to face with me； pale as I was； she must have
realized that I had not returned without purpose； and she must have asked
herself what that purpose was。
If I had seen Marguerite unhappy； if； in revenging myself upon her； I
could have come to her aid； I should perhaps have forgiven her； and
certainly I should have never dreamt of doing her an injury。 But I found
her apparently happy； some one else had restored to her the luxury which I
could not give her； her breaking with me seemed to assume a character of
the basest self…interest； I was lowered in my own esteem as well as in my
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love。 I resolved that she should pay for what I had suffered。
I could not be indifferent to what she did； consequently what would
hurt her the most would be my indifference； it was； therefore； this
sentiment which I must affect； not only in her eyes； but in the eyes of
others。
I tried to put on a smiling countenance； and I went to call on Prudence。
The maid announced me； and I had to wait a few minutes in the drawing…
room。 At last Mme。 Duvernoy appeared and asked me into her boudoir； as
I seated myself I heard the drawing…room door open； a light footstep made
the floor creak and the front door was closed violently。
〃I am disturbing you；〃 I said to Prudence。
〃Not in the least。 Marguerite was there。 When she heard you
announced； she made her escape； it was she who has just gone out。〃
〃Is she afraid of me now？〃
〃No。 but she is afraid that you would not wish to see her。〃
〃But why？〃 I said； drawing my breath with difficulty； for I was choked
with emotion。 〃The poor girl left me for her carriage； her furniture； and her
diamonds； she did quite right； and I don't bear her any grudge。 I met her
to…day；〃 I continued carelessly。
〃Where？〃 asked Prudence； looking at me and seeming to ask herself if
this was the same man whom she had known so madly in love。
〃In the Champs…Elysees。 She was with another woman； very pretty。
Who is she？〃
〃What was she like？〃
〃Blonde； slender； with side curls； blue eyes； very elegant。〃
〃Ali！ It was Olympe； she is really very pretty。〃
〃Whom does she live with？〃
〃With nobody； with anybody。〃
〃Where does she live？〃
〃Rue Troncliet； No。。 Do you want to make love to her？〃
〃One never knows。〃
〃And Marguerite？〃
〃I should hardly tell you the truth if I said I think no more about her；
but I am one of those with whom everything depends on the way in which
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one breaks with them。 Now Marguerite ended with me so lightly that I
realize I was a great fool to have been as much in love with her as I was；
for I was really very much in love with that girl。〃
You can imagine the way in which I said that； the sweat broke out on
my forehead。
〃She was very fond of you； you know； and she still is； the proof is； that
after meeting you to…day； she came straight to tell me about it。 When she
got here she was all of a tremble； I thought she was going to faint。〃
〃Well； what did she say？〃
〃She said； 'He is sure to come here；' and she begged me to ask you to
forgive her。〃
〃I have forgiven her； you may tell her。 She was a good girl； but； after
all； like the others； and I ought to have expected what happened。 I am even
grateful to her； for I see now what would have happened if I had lived with
her altogether。 It was ridiculous。〃
〃She will be very glad to find that you take it so well。 It was quite time
she left you； my dear fellow。 The rascal of an agent to whom she had
offered to sell her furniture went around to her creditors to find out how
much she owed； they took fright； and in two days she would have been
sold up。〃
〃And now it is all paid？〃
〃More or less。〃
〃And who has supplied the money？〃
〃The Comte de N。 Ah； my dear friend； there are men made on purpose
for such occasions。 To cut a long story short he gave her twenty thousand
francs； but he has had his way at last。 He knows quite well that Marguerite
is not in love
