madame bovary(包法利夫人)-第35章

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bureau　under　the　stag's　head　that　hung　as　a　trophy　on　the　wall。
But　when　he　had　the　pen　between　his　fingers；　he　could　think　of
nothing；　so　that；　resting　on　his　elbows；　he　began　to　reflect。
Emma　seemed　to　him　to　have　receded　into　a　far…off　past；　as　if　the
resolution　he　had　taken　had　suddenly　placed　a　distance　between
them。
To　get　back　something　of　her；　he　fetched　from　the　cupboard　at　the
bedside　an　old　Rheims　biscuit…box；　in　which　he　usually　kept　his
letters　from　women；　and　from　it　came　an　odour　of　dry　dust　and
withered　roses。　First　he　saw　a　handkerchief　with　pale　little
spots。　It　was　a　handkerchief　of　hers。　Once　when　they　were　walking
her　nose　had　bled；　he　had　forgotten　it。　Near　it；　chipped　at　all
the　corners；　was　a　miniature　given　him　by　Emma：　her　toilette
seemed　to　him　pretentious；　and　her　languishing　look　in　the　worst
possible　taste。　Then；　from　looking　at　this　image　and　recalling
the　memory　of　its　original；　Emma's　features　little　by　little　grew
confused　in　his　remembrance；　as　if　the　living　and　the　painted
face；　rubbing　one　against　the　other；　had　effaced　each　other。
Finally；　he　read　some　of　her　letters；　they　were　full　of
explanations　relating　to　their　journey；　short；　technical；　and
urgent；　like　business　notes。　He　wanted　to　see　the　long　ones
again；　those　of　old　times。　In　order　to　find　them　at　the　bottom　of
the　box；　Rodolphe　disturbed　all　the　others；　and　mechanically
began　rummaging　amidst　this　mass　of　papers　and　things；　finding
pell…mell　bouquets；　garters；　a　black　mask；　pins；　and　hairhair！
dark　and　fair；　some　even；　catching　in　the　hinges　of　the　box；
broke　when　it　was　opened。
Thus　dallying　with　his　souvenirs；　he　examined　the　writing　and　the
style　of　the　letters；　as　varied　as　their　orthography。　They　were
tender　or　jovial；　facetious；　melancholy；　there　were　some　that
asked　for　love；　others　that　asked　for　money。　A　word　recalled
faces　to　him；　certain　gestures；　the　sound　of　a　voice；　sometimes；
however；　he　remembered　nothing　at　all。
In　fact；　these　women；　rushing　at　once　into　his　thoughts；　cramped
each　other　and　lessened；　as　reduced　to　a　uniform　level　of　love
that　equalised　them　all。　So　taking　handfuls　of　the　mixed…up
letters；　he　amused　himself　for　some　moments　with　letting　them
fall　in　cascades　from　his　right　into　his　left　hand。　At　last；
bored　and　weary；　Rodolphe　took　back　the　box　to　the　cupboard；
saying　to　himself；　〃What　a　lot　of　rubbish！〃　Which　summed　up　his
opinion；　for　pleasures；　like　schoolboys　in　a　school　courtyard；
had　so　trampled　upon　his　heart　that　no　green　thing　grew　there；
and　that　which　passed　through　it；　more　heedless　than　children；
did　not　even；　like　them；　leave　a　name　carved　upon　the　wall。
〃Come；〃　said　he；　〃let's　begin。〃
He　wrote
〃Courage；　Emma！　courage！　I　would　not　bring　misery　into　your
life。〃
〃After　all；　that's　true；〃　thought　Rodolphe。　〃I　am　acting　in　her
interest；　I　am　honest。〃
〃Have　you　carefully　weighed　your　resolution？　Do　you　know　to　what
an　abyss　I　was　dragging　you；　poor　angel？　No；　you　do　not；　do　you？
You　were　coming　confident　and　fearless；　believing　in　happiness　in
the　future。　Ah！　unhappy　that　we　areinsensate！〃
Rodolphe　stopped　here　to　think　of　some　good　excuse。
〃If　I　told　her　all　my　fortune　is　lost？　No！　Besides；　that　would
stop　nothing。　It　would　all　have　to　be　begun　over　again　later　on。
As　if　one　could　make　women　like　that　listen　to　reason！〃　He
reflected；　then　went　on
〃I　shall　not　forget　you；　oh　believe　it；　and　I　shall　ever　have　a
profound　devotion　for　you；　but　some　day；　sooner　or　later；　this
ardour　（such　is　the　fate　of　human　things）　would　have　grown　less；
no　doubt。　Lassitude　would　have　come　to　us；　and　who　knows　if　I
should　not　even　have　had　the　atrocious　pain　of　witnessing　your
remorse；　of　sharing　it　myself；　since　I　should　have　been　its
cause？　The　mere　idea　of　the　grief　that　would　come　to　you　tortures
me；　Emma。　Forget　me！　Why　did　I　ever　know　you？　Why　were　you　so
beautiful？　Is　it　my　fault？　O　my　God！　No；　no！　Accuse　only　fate。〃
〃That's　a　word　that　always　tells；〃　he　said　to　himself。
〃Ah；　if　you　had　been　one　of　those　frivolous　women　that　one　sees；
certainly　I　might；　through　egotism；　have　tried　an　experiment；　in
that　case　without　danger　for　you。　But　that　delicious　exaltation；
at　once　your　charm　and　your　torment；　has　prevented　you　from
understanding；　adorable　woman　that　you　are；　the　falseness　of　our
future　position。　Nor　had　I　reflected　upon　this　at　first；　and　I
rested　in　the　shade　of　that　ideal　happiness　as　beneath　that　of
the　manchineel　tree；　without　foreseeing　the　consequences。〃
〃Perhaps　she'll　think　I'm　giving　it　up　from　avarice。　Ah；　well！　so
much　the　worse；　it　must　be　stopped！〃
〃The　world　is　cruel；　Emma。　Wherever　we　might　have　gone；　it　would
have　persecuted　us。　You　would　have　had　to　put　up　with　indiscreet
questions；　calumny；　contempt；　insult　perhaps。　Insult　to　you！　Oh！
And　I；　who　would　place　you　on　a　throne！　I　who　bear　with　me　your
memory　as　a　talisman！　For　I　am　going　to　punish　myself　by　exile
for　all　the　ill　I　have　done　you。　I　am　going　away。　Whither　I　know
not。　I　am　mad。　Adieu！　Be　good　always。　Preserve　the　memory　of　the
unfortunate　who　has　lost　you。　Teach　my　name　to　your　child；　let
her　repeat　it　in　her　prayers。〃
The　wicks　of　the　candles　flickered。　Rodolphe　got　up　to；　shut　the
window；　and　when　he　had　sat　down　again
〃I　think　it's　all　right。　Ah！　and　this　for　fear　she　should　come
and　hunt　me　up。〃
〃I　shall　be　far　away　when　you　read　these　sad　lines；　for　I　have
wished　to　flee　as　quickly　as　possible　to　shun　the　temptation　of
seeing　you　again。　No　weakness！　I　shall　return；　and　perhaps　later
on　we　shall　talk　together　very　coldly　of　our　old　love。　Adieu！〃
And　there　was　a　last　〃adieu〃　divided　into　two　words！　〃A　Dieu！〃
which　he　thought　in　very　excellent　taste。
〃Now　how　am　I　to　sign？〃　he　said　to　himself。　〃　'Yours　devotedly？'
No！　'Your　friend？'　Yes；　that's　it。〃
〃Your　friend。〃
He　re…read　his　letter。　He　considered　it　very　good。
〃Poor　little　woman！〃　he　thought　with　emotion。　〃She'll　think　me
harder　than　a　rock。　There　ought　to　have　been　some　tears　on　this；
but　I　can't　cry；　it　isn't　my　fault。〃　Then；　having　emptied　some
water　into　a　glass；　Rodolphe　dipped　his　finger　into　it；　and　let　a
big　drop　fall　on　the　paper；　that　made　a　pale　stain　on　the　ink。
Then　looking　for　a　seal；　he　came　upon　the　one　〃Amor　nel　cor。〃
〃That　doesn't　at　all　fit　in　with　the　circumstances。　Pshaw！　never
mind！〃
After　which　he　smoked　three　pipes　and　went　to　bed。
The　next　day　when　he　was　up　（at　about　two　o'clockhe　had　slept
late）；　Rodolphe　had　a　basket　of　apricots　picked。　He　put　his
letter　at　the　bottom　under　some　vine　leaves；　and　at　once　ordered
Girard；　his　ploughman；　to　take　it　with　care　to　Madame　Bovary。　He
made　use　of　this　means　for　corresponding　with　her；　sending
according　to　the　season　fruits　or　game。
〃If　she　asks　after　me；〃　he　said；　〃you　will　tell　her　that　I　have
gone　on　a　journey。　You　must　give　the　basket　to　her　herself；　into
her　own　hands。　Get　along　and　take　care！〃
Girard　put　on　his　new　blouse；　knotted　his　handkerchief　round　the
apricots；　and　walking　with　great　heavy　steps　in　his　thick
iron…bound　galoshes；　made　his　way　to　Yonville。
Madame　Bovary；　when　he　got　to　her　house；　was　arranging　a　bundle
of　linen　on　the　kitchen…table　with　Felicite。
〃Here；〃　said　the　ploughboy；　〃is　something　for　youfrom　the
master。〃
She　was　seized　with　apprehension；　and　as　she　sought　in　her　pocket
for　some　coppers；　she　looked　at　the　peasant　with　haggard　eyes；
while　he　himself　looked　at　her　with　amazement；　not　understanding
how　such　a　present　could　so　move　anyone。　At　last　he　went　out。
Felicite　remained。　She　could　bear　it　no　longer；　she　ran　into　the
sitting　room　as　if　to　take　the　apricots　there；　overturned　the
basket；　tore　away　the　leaves；　found　the　letter；　opened　it；　and；
as　if　some　fearful　fire　were　behind　her；　Emma　flew　to　her　room
terrified。
Charles　was　there；　she　saw　him；　he　spoke　to　her；　she　heard
nothing；　and　she　went　on　quickly　up　the　stairs；　breathless；
distraught；　dumb；　and　ever　holding　this　horrible　piece　of　paper；
that　crackled　between　her　fingers　like　a　plate　of　sheet…iron。　On
the　second　floor　she　stopped　before　the　attic　door；　which　was
closed。
Then　she　tried　to　calm　herself；　she　recalled　the　letter；　she　must
finish　it；　she　did　not　dare　to。　And　where？　How？　She　would　be
seen！　〃Ah；　no！　here；〃　she　thought；　〃I　shall　be　all　right。〃
Emma　pushed　open　the　door　and　went　in。
The　slates　threw　straight　down　a　heavy　heat　that　gripped　her
temples；　stifled　her；　she　dragged　herself　to　the　closed
garret…window。　She　drew　back　the　bolt；　and　the　dazzling　light
burst　in　with　a　leap。
Opposite；　beyond　the　roofs；　stretched　the　open　country　till　it
was　lost　to　sight。　Down　below；　underneath　her；　the　village　square
was　empty；　the　stones　of　the　pavement　glittered；　the　weathercocks
on　the　houses　were　motionless。　At　the　corner　of　the　street；　from
a　lower　storey；　rose　a　kind　of　humming　with　strident　modulations。
It　was　Binet　turning。
She　leant　against　the　embrasure　of　the　window；　and　reread　the
letter　with　angry　sneers。　But　the　more　she　fixed　her　attention
upon　it；　the　more　confused　were　her　ideas。　She　saw　him　again；
heard　him；　encircled　him　with　her　arms；　and　throbs　of　her　heart；
that　beat　against　her　breast　like　blows　of　a　sledge…hammer；　grew
faster　and　faster；　with　uneven　intervals。　She　looked　about　her
with　the　wish　that　the　earth　might　crumble　into　pieces。　Why　not
end　it　all？　What　restrained　her？　She　was　free。　She　advanced；
looking　at　the　paving…stones；　saying　to　herself；　〃Come！　come！〃
The　luminous　ray　that　came　straight　up　from　below　drew　the　weight
of　her　body　towards　the　abyss。　It　seemed　to　her　that　the　ground
of　the　oscillating　square　went　up　the　walls　and　that　the　floor
dipped　on　end　like　a　tossing　boat。　She　was　right　at　the　edge；
almost　hanging；　surrounded　by　vast　space。　The　blue　of　the　heavens
suffused　her；　the　air　was　whirling　in　her　hollow　head；　she　had
but　to　yield；　to　let　herself　be　taken；　and　the　humming　of　the
lathe　never　ceased；　like　an　angry　voice　calling　her。
〃Emma！　Emma！〃　cried　Charles。
She　stopped。
〃Wherever　are　you？　Come！〃
The　thought　that　she　had　just　escaped　from　death　almost　made　her
faint　with　terror。　She　closed　her　eyes；　then　she　shivered　at　the
touch　of　a　hand　on　her　sleeve；　it　was　Felicite。
〃Master　is　waiting　for　you；　madame；　the　soup　is　on　the　table。〃
And　she　had　to　go　down　to　sit　at　table。
She　tried　to　eat。　The　food　choked　her。　Then　she　unfolded　her
napkin　as　if　to　examine　the　darns；　and　she　really　thought　of
applying　herself　to　this　work；　counting　the　threads　in　the　linen。
Suddenly　the　remembrance　of　the　letter　returned　to　her。　How　had
she　lost　it？　Where　could　she　find　it？　But　she　felt　such　weariness
of　spirit　that　she　could　not　even　invent　a　pretext　for　leaving
the　table。　Then　she　became　a　coward；　she　was　afraid　of　Charles；
he　knew　all；　that　was　certain！　Indeed　he　pronounced　these　words
in　a　strange　manner：
〃We　are　not　likely　to　see　Monsieur　Rodolphe　soon　again；　it
seems。〃
〃Who　told　you？〃　she　said；　shuddering。
〃Who　told　me！〃　he　replied；　rather　astonished　at　her　abrupt　tone。
〃Why；　Girard；　whom　I　met　just　now　at　the　door　of　the　Cafe
Francais。　He　has　gone　on　a　journey；　or　is　to　go。〃
She　gave　a　sob。
〃What　surprises　you　in　that？　He　absents　himself　like　that　from
time　to　time　for　a　change；　and；　ma　foi；　I