when the world shook-第7章

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there　was　something　about　her　which　filled　me　with　vague　fears；

especially　after　she　found　that　she　was　to　become　a　mother。　I

would　talk　to　her　of　the　child；　but　she　would　sigh　and　shake　her

head；　her　eyes　filling　with　tears；　and　say　that　we　must　not　count

on　the　continuance　of　such　happiness　as　ours；　for　it　was　too

great。



I　tried　to　laugh　away　her　doubts；　though　whenever　I　did　so　I

seemed　to　hear　Bastin's　slow　voice　remarking　casually　that　she

might　die；　as　he　might　have　commented　on　the　quality　of　the

claret。　At　last；　however；　I　grew　terrified　and　asked　her　bluntly

what　she　meant。



〃I　don't　quite　know；　dearest；〃　she　replied；　〃especially　as　I　am

wonderfully　well。　Butbut〃



〃But　what？〃　I　asked。



〃But　I　think　that　our　companionship　is　going　to　be　broken　for　a

little　while。〃



〃For　a　little　while！〃　I　exclaimed。



〃Yes；　Humphrey。　I　think　that　I　shall　be　taken　away　from　you

you　know　what　I　mean；〃　and　she　nodded　towards　the　churchyard。



〃Oh；　my　God！〃　I　groaned。



〃I　want　to　say　this；〃　she　added　quickly；　〃that　if　such'　a　thing

should　happen；　as　it　happens　every　day；　I　implore　you；　dearest

Humphrey；　not　to　be　too　much　distressed；　since　I　am　sure　that　you

will　find　me　again。　No；　I　can't　explain　how　or　when　or　where；

because　I　do　not　know。　I　have　prayed　for　light；　but　it　has　not

come　to　me。　All　I　know　is　that　I　am　not　talking　of　reunion　in　Mr。

Bastin's　kind　of　conventional　heaven；　which　he　speaks　about　as

though　to　reach　it　one　stumbled　through　darkness　for　a　minute

into　a　fine　new　house　next　door；　where　excellent　servants　had

made　everything　ready　for　your　arrival　and　all　the　lights　were

turned　up。　It　is　something　quite　different　from　that　and　very

much　more　real。〃



Then　she　bent　down　ostensibly　to　pat　the　head　of　a　little　black

cocker　spaniel　called　Tommy　which　had　been　given　to　her　as　a

puppy；　a　highly　intelligent　and　affectionate　animal　that　we　both

adored　and　that　loved　her　as　only　a　dog　can　love。　Really；　I　knew；

it　was　to　hide　her　tears；　and　fled　from　the　room　lest　she　should

see　mine。



As　I　went　I　heard　the　dog　whimpering　in　a　peculiar　way；　as

though　some　sympathetic　knowledge　had　been　communicated　to　its

wonderful　animal　intelligence。



That　night　I　spoke　to　Bickley　about　the　matter；　repeating

exactly　what　had　passed。　As　I　expected；　he　smiled　in　his　grave；

rather　sarcastic　way；　and　made　light　of　it。



〃My　dear　Humphrey；〃　he　said；　〃don't　torment　yourself　about　such

fancies。　They　are　of　everyday　occurrence　among　women　in　your

wife's　condition。　Sometimes　they　take　one　form；　sometimes

another。　When　she　has　got　her　baby　you　will　hear　no　more　of

them。〃



I　tried　to　be　comforted　but　in　vain。



The　days　and　weeks　went　by　like　a　long　nightmare　and　in　due

course　the　event　happened。　Bickley　was　not　attending　the　case；　it

was　not　in　his　line；　he　said；　and　he　preferred　that　where　a

friend's　wife　was　concerned；　somebody　else　should　be　called　in。

So　it　was　put　in　charge　of　a　very　good　local　man　with　a　large

experience　in　such　domestic　matters。



How　am　I　to　tell　of　it？　Everything　went　wrong；　as　for　the

details；　let　them　be。　Ultimately　Bickley　did　operate；　and　if

surpassing　skill　could　have　saved　her；　it　would　have　been　done。

But　the　other　man　had　misjudged　the　conditions；　it　was　too　late；

nothing　could　help　either　mother　or　child；　a　little　girl　who　died

shortly　after　she　was　born　but　not　before　she　had　been

christened；　also　by　the　name　of　Natalie。



I　was　called　in　to　say　farewell　to　my　wife　and　found　her

radiant；　triumphant　even　in　her　weakness。



〃I　know　now；〃　she　whispered　in　a　faint　voice。　〃I　understood　as

the　chloroform　passed　away；　but　I　cannot　tell　you。　Everything　is

quite　well；　my　darling。　Go　where　you　seem　called　to　go；　far　away。

Oh！　the　wonderful　place　in　which　you　will　find　me；　not　knowing

that　you　have　found　me。　Good…bye　for　a　little　while；　only　for　a

little　while；　my　own；　my　own！〃



Then　she　died。　And　for　a　time　I　too　seemed　to　die；　but　could

not。　I　buried　her　and　the　child　here　at　Fulcombe；　or　rather　I

buried　their　ashes　since　I　could　not　endure　that　her　beloved　body

should　see　corruption。





Afterwards；　when　all　was　over；　I　spoke　of　these　last　words　of

Natalie's　with　both　Bickley　and　Bastin；　for　somehow　I　seemed　to

wish　to　learn　their　separate　views。



The　latter　I　may　explain；　had　been　present　at　the　end　in　his

spiritual　capacity；　but　I　do　not　think　that　he　in　the　least

understood　the　nature　of　the　drama　which　was　passing　before　his

eyes。　His　prayers　and　the　christening　absorbed　all　his　attention；

and　he　never　was　a　man　who　could　think　of　more　than　one　thing　at

a　time。



When　I　told　him　exactly　what　had　happened　and　repeated　the

words　that　Natalie　spoke；　he　was　much　interested　in　his　own

nebulous　way；　and　said　that　it　was　delightful　to　meet　with　an

example　of　a　good　Christian；　such　as　my　wife　had　been；　who

actually　saw　something　of　Heaven　before　she　had　gone　there。　His

own　faith　was；　he　thanked　God；　fairly　robust；　but　still　an

undoubted　occurrence　of　the　sort　acted　as　a　refreshment；　〃like

rain　on　a　pasture　when　it　is　rather　dry；　you　know；〃　he　added；

breaking　into　simile。



I　remarked　that　she　had　not　seemed　to　speak　in　the　sense　he

indicated；　but　appeared　to　allude　to　something　quite　near　at　hand

and　more　or　less　immediate。



〃I　don't　know　that　there　is　anything　nearer　at　hand　than　the

Hereafter；〃　he　answered。　〃I　expect　she　meant　that　you　will

probably　soon　die　and　join　her　in　Paradise；　if　you　are　worthy　to

do　so。　But　of　course　it　is　not　wise　to　put　too　much　reliance　upon

words　spoken　by　people　at　the　last；　because　often　they　don't

quite　know　what　they　are　saying。　Indeed　sometimes　I　think　this

was　so　in　the　case　of　my　own　wife；　who　really　seemed　to　me　to

talk　a　good　deal　of　rubbish。　Good…bye；　I　promised　to　see　Widow

Jenkins　this　afternoon　about　having　her　varicose　veins　cut　out；

and　I　mustn't　stop　here　wasting　time　in　pleasant　conversation。

She　thinks　just　as　much　of　her　varicose　veins　as　we　do　of　the

loss　of　our　wives。〃



I　wonder　what　Bastin's　ideas　of　unpleasant　conversation　may　be；

thought　I　to　myself；　as　I　watched　him　depart　already

wool…gathering　on　some　other　subject；　probably　the　heresy　of　one

of　those　〃early　fathers〃　who　occupied　most　of　his　thoughts。



Bickley　listened　to　my　tale　in　sympathetic　silence；　as　a　doctor

does　to　a　patient。　When　he　was　obliged　to　speak；　he　said　that　it

was　interesting　as　an　example　of　a　tendency　of　certain　minds

towards　romantic　vision　which　sometimes　asserts　itself；　even　in

the　throes　of　death。



〃You　know；〃　he　added；　〃that　I　put　faith　in　none　of　these

things。　I　wish　that　I　could；　but　reason　and　science　both　show　me

that　they　lack　foundation。　The　world　on　the　whole　is　a　sad　place；

where　we　arrive　through　the　passions　of　others　implanted　in　them

by　Nature；　which；　although　it　cares　nothing　for　individual　death；

is　tender　towards　the　impulse　of　races　of　every　sort　to　preserve

their　collective　life。　Indeed　the　impulse　is　Nature；　or　at　least

its　chief　manifestation。　Consequently；　whether　we　be　gnats　or

elephants；　or　anything　between　and　beyond；　even　stars　for　aught　I

know；　we　must　make　the　best　of　things　as　they　are；　taking　the

good　and　the　evil　as　they　come　and　getting　all　we　can　out　of　life

until　it　leaves　us；　after　which　we　need　not　trouble。　You　had　a

good　time　for　a　little　while　and　were　happy　in　it；　now　you　are

having　a　bad　time　and　are　wretched。　Perhaps　in　the　future；　when

your　mental　balance　has　re…asserted　itself；　you　will　have　other

good　times　in　the　afternoon　of　your　days；　and　then　follow

twilight　and　the　dark。　That　is　all　there　is　to　hope　for；　and　we

may　as　well　look　the　thing　in　the　face。　Only　I　confess；　my　dear

fellow；　that　your　experience　convinces　me　that　marriage　should　be

avoided　at　whatever　inconvenience。　Indeed　I　have　long　wondered

that　anyone　can　take　the　responsibility　of　bringing　a　child　into

the　world。　But　probably　nobody　does　in　cold　blood；　except

misguided　idiots　like　Bastin；〃　he　added。　〃He　would　have　twenty；

had　not　his　luck　intervened。〃



〃Then　you　believe　in　nothing；　Friend；〃　I　said。



〃Nothing；　I　am　sorry　to　say；　except　what　I　see　and　my　five

senses　appreciate。〃



〃You　reject　all　possibility　of　miracle；　for　instance？〃



〃That　depends　on　what　you　mean　by　miracle。　Science　shows　us　all

kinds　of　wonders　which　our　great　grandfathers　would　have　called

miracles；　but　these　are　nothing　but　laws　that　we　are　beginning　to

understand。　Give　me　an　instance。〃



〃Well；〃　I　replied　at　hazard；　〃if　you　were　assured　by　someone

that　a　man　could　live　for　a　thousand　years？〃



〃I　should　tell　him　that　he　was　a　fool　or　a　liar；　that　is　all。

It　is　impossible。〃



〃Or　that　the　same　identity；　spirit；　animating　principlecall

it　what　you　willcan　flit　from　body　to　body；　say　in　successive

ages？　Or　that　the　dead　can　communicate　with　the　living？〃



〃Convince　me　of　any　of　these　things；　Arbuthnot；　and　mind　you　I

desire　to　be　convinced；　and　I　will　take　back　every　word　I　have

said　and　walk　through　Fulcombe　in　a　white　sheet　proclaiming

myself　the　fool。　Now；　I　must　get　off　to　the　Cottage　Hospital　to

cut　out　Widow　Jenkins's　varicose　veins。　They　are　tangible　and

real　at　any　rate；　about　the　largest　I　ever　saw；　indeed。　Give　up

dreams；　old　boy；　and　take　to　something　useful。　You　might　go　back

to　your　fiction　writing；　you　seem　to　have　leanings　that　way；　and

you　know　you　need　not　publish　the　stories；　except　privately　for

the　edification　of　your　friends。〃



With　this　Parthian　shaft　Bickley　took　his　departure　to　make　a

job　of　Widow　Jenkins's　legs。



I　took　his　advice。　During　the　next　few　months　I　did　write

something　which　occupied　my　thoughts　for　a　while；　more　or　less。

It　lies　in　my　safe　to　this　minute；　for　somehow　I　have　never　been

able　to　make　up　my　mind　to　burn　what　cost　me　so　much　physical　and

mental　toil。



When　it　was　finished　my　melancholy　returned　to　me　with　added

force。　Everything　in　the　house　took　a　tongue　and　cried　to　me　of

past　days。　Its　walls　echoed　a　voice　that　I　could　never　hear

again；　in　the　very　looking…glasses　I　saw　the　reflection　of　a　lost

presence。　Although　I　had　moved　myself　for　the　purposes　of　sleep

to　a　little　room　at　the　further　end　of　the　building；　footsteps

seemed　to　creep　about　my　bed　at　night　and　I　heard　the　rustle　of　a

remembered　dress　without　the　door。　The　place　grew　hateful　to　me。

I　felt　that　I　must　get　away　from　it　or　I　should　go　mad。





One　afternoon　Bastin　arrived　carrying　a　book　and　in　a　state　of

high　indignation。　This　work；　written；　as　he　said；　by　some　ribald

traveller；　grossly　traduced　the　character　of　missionaries　to　the

South　Sea　Islands；　especially　of　those　of　the　Society　to　which　he

subscribed；　and　he　threw　it　on　the　table　in　his　righteous　wrath。

Bickley　picked　it　up　and　opened　it　at　a　photograph　of　a　very

pretty　South　Sea　Island　girl　clad　in　a　few　flowers