crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第18章
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ago。 He had also a pocket pruning…knife； but he could not rely on
the knife and still less on his own strength； and so resolved
finally on the axe。 We may note in passing； one peculiarity in
regard to all the final resolutions taken by him in the matter； they
had one strange characteristic： the more final they were； the more
hideous and the more absurd they at once became in his eyes。 In
spite of all his agonising inward struggle； he never for a single
instant all that time could believe in the carrying out of his plans。
And； indeed； if it had ever happened that everything to the least
point could have been considered and finally settled； and no
uncertainty of any kind had remained； he would； it seems； have
renounced it all as something absurd； monstrous and impossible。 But
a whole mass of unsettled points and uncertainties remained。 As for
getting the axe； that trifling business cost him no anxiety； for
nothing could be easier。 Nastasya was continually out of the house；
especially in the evenings； she would run in to the neighbours or to a
shop； and always left the door ajar。 It was the one thing the landlady
was always scolding her about。 And so when the time came； he would
only have to go quietly into the kitchen and to take the axe； and an
hour later （when everything was over） go in and put it back again。 But
these were doubtful points。 Supposing he returned an hour later to put
it back； and Nastasya had come back and was on the spot。 He would of
course have to go by and wait till she went out again。 But supposing
she were in the meantime to miss the axe； look for it； make an outcry…
that would mean suspicion or at least grounds for suspicion。
But those were all trifles which he had not even begun to
consider； and indeed he had no time。 He was thinking of the chief
point； and put off trifling details； until he could believe in it all。
But that seemed utterly unattainable。 So it seemed to himself at
least。 He could not imagine； for instance； that he would sometime
leave off thinking； get up and simply go there。。。。 Even his late
experiment （i。e。 his visit with the object of a final survey of the
place） was simply an attempt at an experiment； far from being the real
thing； as though one should say 〃come； let us go and try it… why dream
about it！〃… and at once he had broken down and had run away cursing；
in a frenzy with himself。 Meanwhile it would seem； as regards the
moral question； that his analysis was complete； his casuistry had
become keen as a razor； and he could not find rational objections in
himself。 But in the last resort he simply ceased to believe in
himself； and doggedly； slavishly sought arguments in all directions；
fumbling for them； as though some one were forcing and drawing him
to it。
At first… long before indeed… he had been much occupied with one
question； why almost all crimes are so badly concealed and so easily
detected； and why almost all criminals leave such obvious traces？ He
had come gradually to many different and curious conclusions； and in
his opinion the chief reason lay not so much in the material
impossibility of concealing the crime； as in the criminal himself。
Almost every criminal is subject to a failure of will and reasoning
power by a childish and phenomenal heedlessness； at the very instant
when prudence and caution are most essential。 It was his conviction
that this eclipse of reason and failure of will power attacked a man
like a disease； developed gradually and reached its highest point just
before the perpetration of the crime； continued with equal violence at
the moment of the crime and for longer or shorter time after；
according to the individual case； and then passed off like any other
disease。 The question whether the disease gives rise to the crime；
or whether the crime from its own peculiar nature is always
accompanied by something of the nature of disease； he did not yet feel
able to decide。
When he reached these conclusions； he decided that in his own case
there could not be such a morbid reaction； that his reason and will
would remain unimpaired at the time of carrying out his design； for
the simple reason that his design was 〃not a crime。。。。〃 We will omit
all the process by means of which he arrived at this last
conclusion； we have run too far ahead already。。。。 We may add only that
the practical； purely material difficulties of the affair occupied a
secondary position in his mind。 〃One has but to keep all one's will
power and reason to deal with them； and they will all be overcome at
the time when once one has familiarised oneself with the minutest
details of the business。。。。〃 But this preparation had never been
begun。 His final decisions were what he came to trust least； and
when the hour struck； it all came to pass quite differently； as it
were accidentally and unexpectedly。
One trifling circumstance upset his calculations； before he had even
left the staircase。 When he reached the landlady's kitchen； the door
of which was open as usual； he glanced cautiously in to see whether；
in Nastasya's absence； the landlady herself was there； or if not；
whether the door to her own room was closed； so that she might not
peep out when he went in for the axe。 But what was his amazement
when he suddenly saw that Nastasya was not only at home in the
kitchen； but was occupied there； taking linen out of a basket and
hanging it on a line。 Seeing him； she left off hanging the clothes；
turned to him and stared at him all the time he was passing。 He turned
away his eyes； and walked past as though he noticed nothing。 But it
was the end of everything； he had not the axe！ He was overwhelmed。
〃What made me think；〃 he reflected； as he went under the gateway；
〃what made me think that she would be sure not to be at home at that
moment！ Why； why； why did I assume this so certainly？〃
He was crushed and even humiliated。 He could have laughed at himself
in his anger。。。。 A dull animal rage boiled within him。
He stood hesitating in the gateway。 To go into the street； to go for
a walk for appearance sake was revolting； to go back to his room； even
more revolting。 〃And what a chance I have lost for ever！〃 he muttered；
standing aimlessly in the gateway； just opposite the porter's little
dark room； which was also open。 Suddenly he started。 From the porter's
room； two paces away from him； something shining under the bench to
the right caught his eye。。。。 He looked about him… nobody。 He
approached the room on tiptoe； went down two steps into it and in a
faint voice called the porter。 〃Yes； not at home！ Somewhere near
though； in the yard； for the door is wide open。〃 He dashed to the
axe （it was an axe） and pulled it out from under the bench； where it
lay between two chunks of wood； at once before going out； he made it
fast in the noose； he thrust both hands into his pockets and went
out of the room； no one had noticed him！ 〃When reason fails； the devil
helps！〃 he thought with a strange grin。 This chance raised his spirits
extraordinarily。
He walked along quietly and sedately； without hurry； to avoid
awakening suspicion。 He scarcely looked at the passers…by； tried to
escape looking at their faces at all； and to be as little noticeable
as possible。 Suddenly he thought of his hat。 〃Good heavens！ I had
the money the day before yesterday and did not get a cap to wear
instead！〃 A curse rose from the bottom of his soul。
Glancing out of the corner of his eye into a shop； he saw by a clock
on the wall that it was ten minutes past seven。 He had to make haste
and at the same time to go someway round； so as to approach the
house from the other side。。。。
When he had happened to imagine all this beforehand； he had
sometimes thought that he would be very much afraid。 But he was not
very much afraid now； was not afraid at all； indeed。 His mind was even
occupied by irrelevant matters； but by nothing for long。 As he
passed the Yusupov garden； he was deeply absorbed in considering the
building of great fountains； and of their refreshing effect on the
atmosphere in all the squares。 By degrees he passed to the
conviction that if the summer garden were extended to the field of
Mars； and perhaps joined to the garden of the Mihailovsky Palace； it
would be a splendid thing and a great benefit to the town。 Then he was
interested by the question why in all great towns men are not simply
driven by necessity； but in some peculiar way inclined to live in
those parts of the town where there are no gardens nor fountains；
where there is most dirt and smell and all sorts of nastiness。 Then
his own walks through the Hay Market came back to his mind； and for
a moment he waked up to reality。 〃What nonsense！〃 he thought；
〃better think of nothing at all！〃
〃So probably men led to execution clutch mentally at every object
that meets them on the way；〃 flashed through his mind； but simply
flashed； like lightning； he made haste to dismiss this thought。。。。 And
by now he was near； here was the house； here was the gate。 Suddenly
a clock somewhere struck once。 〃What！ can it be half…past seven？
Impossible； it must be fast！〃
Luckily for him； everything went well again at the gates。 At that
very moment； as though expressly for his benefit； a huge waggon of hay
had just driven in at the gate； completely screening him as he
passed under the gateway； and the waggon had scarcely had time to
drive through into the yard； before he had slipped in a flash to the
right。 On the other side of the waggon he could hear s
