crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第4章
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there is political economy。 Why； I ask you； should he give it to me？
And yet though I know beforehand that he won't； I set off to him
and。。。〃
〃Why do you go？〃 put in Raskolnikov。
〃Well； when one has no one； nowhere else one can go！ For every man
must have somewhere to go。 Since there are times when one absolutely
must go somewhere！ When my own daughter first went out with a yellow
ticket； then I had to go。。。 （for my daughter has a yellow
passport）；〃 he added in parenthesis； looking with a certain uneasiness
at the young man。 〃No matter； sir； no matter！〃 he went on hurriedly
and with apparent composure when both the boys at the counter guffawed
and even the innkeeper smiled… 〃No matter； I am not confounded by
the wagging of their heads； for every one knows everything about it
already； and all that is secret is made open。 And I accept it all； not
with contempt； but with humility。 So be it！ So be it！ 'Behold the
man！' Excuse me； young man； can you。。。。 No； to put it more strongly
and more distinctly； not can you but dare you； looking upon me； assert
that I am not a pig？〃
The young man did not answer a word。
〃Well；〃 the orator began again stolidly and with even increased
dignity； after waiting for the laughter in the room to subside。 〃Well；
so be it； I am a pig； but she is a lady！ I have the semblance of a
beast； but Katerina Ivanovna； my spouse； is a person of education
and an officer's daughter。 Granted； granted； I am a scoundrel； but she
is a woman of a noble heart； full of sentiments； refined by education。
And yet。。。 oh； if only she felt for me！ Honoured sir； honoured sir；
you know every man ought to have at least one place where people
feel for him！ But Katerina Ivanovna； though she is magnanimous； she is
unjust。。。。 And yet； although I realise that when she pulls my hair she
only does it out of pity… for I repeat without being ashamed； she
pulls my hair； young man；〃 he declared with redoubled dignity； hearing
the sniggering again… 〃but； my God； if she would but once。。。。 But
no； no！ It's all in vain and it's no use talking！ No use talking！
For more than once； my wish did come true and more than once she has
felt for me but。。。 such is my fate and I am a beast by nature！〃
〃Rather！〃 assented the innkeeper yawning。 Marmeladov struck his fist
resolutely on the table。
〃Such is my fate！ Do you know； sir； do you know； I have sold her
very stockings for drink？ Not her shoes… that would be more or less in
the order of things； but her stockings； her stockings I have sold
for drink！ Her mohair shawl I sold for drink； a present to her long
ago； her own property； not mine； and we live in a cold room and she
caught cold this winter and has begun coughing and spitting blood too。
We have three little children and Katerina Ivanovna is at work from
morning till night； she is scrubbing and cleaning and washing the
children； for she's been used to cleanliness from a child。 But her
chest is weak and she has a tendency to consumption and I feel it！
Do you suppose I don't feel it？ And the more I drink the more I feel
it。 That's why I drink too。 I try to find sympathy and feeling in
drink。。。。 I drink so that I may suffer twice as much！〃 And as though
in despair he laid his head down on the table。
〃Young man；〃 he went on； raising his head again； 〃in your face I
seem to read some trouble of mind。 When you came in I read it； and
that was why I addressed you at once。 For in unfolding to you the
story of my life； I do not wish to make myself a laughing…stock before
these idle listeners； who indeed know all about it already； but I am
looking for a man of feeling and education。 Know then that my wife was
educated in a high…class school for the daughters of noblemen； and
on leaving she danced the shawl dance before the governor and other
personages for which she was presented with a gold medal and a
certificate of merit。 The medal。。。 well； the medal of course was sold…
long ago； hm。。。 but the certificate of merit is in her trunk still and
not long ago she showed it to our landlady。 And although she is most
continually on bad terms with the landlady； yet she wanted to tell
some one or other of her past honours and of the happy days that are
gone。 I don't condemn her for it； I don't blame her； for the one thing
left her is recollection of the past； and all the rest is dust and
ashes。 Yes； yes； she is a lady of spirit； proud and determined。 She
scrubs the floors herself and has nothing but black bread to eat；
but won't allow herself to be treated with disrespect。 That's why
she would not overlook Mr。 Lebeziatnikov's rudeness to her； and so
when he gave her a beating for it； she took to her bed more from the
hurt to her feelings than from the blows。 She was a widow when I
married her； with three children； one smaller than the other。 She
married her first husband； an infantry officer； for love； and ran away
with him from her father's house。 She was exceedingly fond of her
husband； but he gave way to cards； got into trouble and with that he
died。 He used to beat her at the end： and although she paid him
back； of which I have authentic documentary evidence； to this day
she speaks of him with tears and she throws him up to me； and I am
glad； I am glad that； though only in imagination； she should think
of herself as having once been happy。。。。 And she was left at his death
with three children in a wild and remote district where I happened
to be at the time； and she was left in such hopeless poverty that；
although I have seen many ups and downs of all sort； I don't feel
equal to describing it even。 Her relations had all thrown her off。 And
she was proud； too； excessively proud。。。。 And then； honoured sir；
and then； I； being at the time a widower； with a daughter of
fourteen left me by my first wife； offered her my hand； for I could
not bear the sight of such suffering。 You can judge the extremity of
her calamities； that she； a woman of education and culture and
distinguished family； should have consented to be my wife。 But she
did！ Weeping and sobbing and wringing her hands； she married me！ For
she had nowhere to turn！ Do you understand； sir； do you understand
what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn？ No； that you
don't understand yet。。。。 And for a whole year； I performed my duties
conscientiously and faithfully； and did not touch this〃 （he tapped the
jug with his finger）； 〃for I have feelings。 But even so； I could not
please her； and then I lost my place too； and that through no fault of
mine but through changes in the office； and then I did touch it！。。。 It
will be a year and a half ago soon since we found ourselves at last
after many wanderings and numerous calamities in this magnificent
capital； adorned with innumerable monuments。 Here I obtained a
situation。。。。 I obtained it and I lost it again。 Do you understand？
This time it was through my own fault I lost it： for my weakness had
come out。。。。 We have now part of a room at Amalia Fyodorovna
Lippevechsel's； and what we live upon and what we pay our rent with； I
could not say。 There are a lot of people living there besides
ourselves。 Dirt and disorder； a perfect Bedlam。。。 hm。。。 yes。。。 And
meanwhile my daughter by my first wife has grown up； and what my
daughter has had to put up with from her step…mother whilst she was
growing up； I won't speak of。 For； though Katerina Ivanovna is full of
generous feelings； she is a spirited lady； irritable and
short…tempered。。。。 Yes。 But it's no use going over that！ Sonia； as you
may well fancy； has had no education。 I did make an effort four
years ago to give her a course of geography and universal history； but
as I was not very well up in those subjects myself and we had no
suitable books； and what books we had。。。 hm； any way we have not
even those now； so all our instruction came to an end。 We stopped at
Cyrus of Persia。 Since she has attained years of maturity； she has
read other books of romantic tendency and of late she had read with
great interest a book she got through Mr。 Lebeziatnikov； Lewes'
Physiology… do you know it？… and even recounted extracts from it to
us： and that's the whole of her education。 And now may I venture to
address you； honoured sir； on my own account with a private
question。 Do you suppose that a respectable poor girl can earn much by
honest work？ Not fifteen farthings a day can she earn； if she is
respectable and has no special talent and that without putting her
work down for an instant！ And what's more； Ivan Ivanitch Klopstock the
civil counsellor… have you heard of him？… has not to this day paid her
for the half…dozen linen shirts she made him and drove her roughly
away； stamping and reviling her； on the pretext that the shirt collars
were not made like the pattern and were put in askew。 And there are
the little ones hungry。。。。 And Katerina Ivanovna walking up and down
and wringing her hands； her cheeks flushed red； as they always are
in that disease： 'Here you live with us；' says she； 'you eat and drink
and are kept warm and you do nothing to help。' And much she gets to
eat and drink when there is not a crust for the little ones for
three days！ I was lying at the time。。。 well； what of it！ I was lying
drunk and I heard my Sonia speaking （she is a gentle creature with a
soft little voice。。。 fair hair and such a pale； thin little face）。 She
said： 'Katerina Ivanovna； am I really to do a thing like that？' And
Darya Frantsovna； a woman of evil character and very well known to the
police； had two or three times tried to get at her through the
landlady。 'And why not？' said Katerina Ivanovna with a jeer； 'you
are something mighty precious to be so careful of！' Bu
