crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第76章
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eyes。
〃Yes；〃 muttered Sonia； 〃oh； yes； it is；〃 she added； hastily； as
though in that lay her means of escape。 〃My landlady's clock has
just struck。。。 I heard it myself。。。。〃
〃I've come to you for the last time；〃 Raskolnikov went on
gloomily； although this was the first time。 〃I may perhaps not see you
again。。。〃
〃Are you。。。 going away？〃
〃I don't know。。。 to…morrow。。。。〃
〃Then you are not coming to Katerina Ivanovna to…morrow？〃 Sonia's
voice shook。
〃I don't know。 I shall know to…morrow morning。。。。 Never mind that：
I've come to say one word。。。。〃
He raised his brooding eyes to her and suddenly noticed that he
was sitting down while she was all the while standing before him。
〃Why are you standing？ Sit down；〃 he said in a changed voice； gentle
and friendly。
She sat down。 He looked kindly and almost compassionately at her。
〃How thin you are！ What a hand！ Quite transparent； like a dead
hand。〃
He took her hand。 Sonia smiled faintly。
〃I have always been like that；〃 she said。
〃Even when you lived at home？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Of course； you were；〃 he added abruptly and the expression of his
face and the sound of his voice changed again suddenly。
He looked round him once more。
〃You rent this room from the Kapernaumovs？〃
〃Yes。。。。〃
〃They live there； through that door？〃
〃Yes。。。。 They have another room like this。〃
〃All in one room？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃I should be afraid in your room at night；〃 he observed gloomily。
〃They are very good people； very kind；〃 answered Sonia； who still
seemed bewildered； 〃and all the furniture； everything。。。 everything is
theirs。 And they are very kind and the children； too； often come to
see me。〃
〃They all stammer； don't they？〃
〃Yes。。。。 He stammers and he's lame。 And his wife； too。。。。 It's not
exactly that she stammers； but she can't speak plainly。 She is a
very kind woman。 And he used to be a house serf。 And there are seven
children。。。 and it's only the eldest one that stammers and the
others are simply ill。。。 but they don't stammer。。。。 But where did
you hear about them？〃 she added with some surprise。
〃Your father told me； then。 He told me all about you。。。。 And how you
went out at six o'clock and came back at nine and how Katerina
Ivanovna knelt down by your bed。〃
Sonia was confused。
〃I fancied I saw him to…day；〃 she whispered hesitatingly。
〃Whom？〃
〃Father。 I was walking in the street； out there at the corner； about
ten o'clock and he seemed to be walking in front。 It looked just
like him。 I wanted to go to Katerina Ivanovna。。。。〃
〃You were walking in the streets？〃
〃Yes；〃 Sonia whispered abruptly； again overcome with confusion and
looking down。
〃Katerina Ivanovna used to beat you； I daresay？〃
〃Oh no； what are you saying？ No！〃 Sonia looked at him almost with
dismay。
〃You love her； then？〃
〃Love her？ Of course！〃 said Sonia with plaintive emphasis； and she
clasped her hands in distress。 〃Ah； you don't。。。。 If you only knew！
You see； she is quite like a child。。。。 Her mind is quite unhinged； you
see。。。 from sorrow。 And how clever she used to be。。。 how generous。。。
how kind！ Ah； you don't understand； you don't understand！〃
Sonia said this as though in despair； wringing her hands in
excitement and distress。 Her pale cheeks flushed； there was a look
of anguish in her eyes。 It was clear that she was stirred to the
very depths； that she was longing to speak； to champion； to express
something。 A sort of insatiable compassion； if one may so express
it； was reflected in every feature of her face。
〃Beat me！ how can you？ Good heavens； beat me！ And if she did beat
me； what then？ What of it？ You know nothing； nothing about it。。。。
She is so unhappy。。。 ah； how unhappy！ And ill。。。。 She is seeking
righteousness； she is pure。 She has such faith that there must be
righteousness everywhere and she expects it。。。。 And if you were to
torture her； she wouldn't do wrong。 She doesn't see that it's
impossible for people to be righteous and she is angry at it。 Like a
child； like a child。 She is good！〃
〃And what will happen to you？〃
Sonia looked at him inquiringly。
〃They are left on your hands； you see。 They were all on your hands
before； though。。。。 And your father came to you to beg for drink。 Well；
how will it be now？〃
〃I don't know；〃 Sonia articulated mournfully。
〃Will they stay there？〃
〃I don't know。。。。 They are in debt for the lodging； but the
landlady； I hear； said to…day that she wanted to get rid of them；
and Katerina Ivanovna says that she won't stay another minute。〃
〃How is it she is so bold？ She relies upon you？〃
〃Oh； no； don't talk like that。。。。 We are one； we live like one。〃
Sonia was agitated again and even angry； as though a canary or some
other little bird were to be angry。 〃And what could she do？ What； what
could she do？〃 she persisted； getting hot and excited。 〃And how she
cried to…day！ Her mind is unhinged； haven't you noticed it？ At one
minute she is worrying like a child that everything should be right
to…morrow； the lunch and all that。。。。 Then she is wringing her
hands； spitting blood； weeping； and all at once she will begin
knocking her head against the wall； in despair。 Then she will be
comforted again。 She builds all her hopes on you； she says that you
will help her now and that she will borrow a little money somewhere
and go to her native town with me and set up a boarding school for the
daughters of gentlemen and take me to superintend it； and we will
begin a new splendid life。 And she kisses and hugs me； comforts me；
and you know she has such faith； such faith in her fancies！ One
can't contradict her。 And all the day long she has been washing；
cleaning； mending。 She dragged the wash tub into the room with her
feeble hands and sank on the bed； gasping for breath。 We went this
morning to the shops to buy shoes for Polenka and Lida for theirs
are quite worn out。 Only the money we'd reckoned wasn't enough； not
nearly enough。 And she picked out such dear little boots； for she
has taste； you don't know。 And there in the shop she burst out
crying before the shopmen because she hadn't enough。。。。 Ah； it was sad
to see her。。。。〃
〃Well； after that I can understand your living like this；〃
Raskolnikov said with a bitter smile。
〃And aren't you sorry for them？ Aren't you sorry？〃 Sonia flew at him
again。 〃Why； I know； you gave your last penny yourself； though you'd
seen nothing of it； and if you'd seen everything； oh dear！ And how
often； how often I've brought her to tears！ Only last week！ Yes； I！
Only a week before his death。 I was cruel！ And how often I've done it！
Ah； I've been wretched at the thought of it all day！〃
Sonia wrung her hands as she spoke at the pain of remembering it。
〃You were cruel？〃
〃Yes； I… I。 I went to see them；〃 she went on； weeping； 〃and father
said； 'read me something； Sonia； my head aches； read to me； here's a
book。' He had a book he had got from Andrey Semyonovitch
Lebeziatnikov； he lives there； he always used to get hold of such
funny books。 And I said； 'I can't stay；' as I didn't want to read； and
I'd gone in chiefly to show Katerina Ivanovna some collars。
Lizaveta； the pedlar； sold me some collars and cuffs cheap； pretty；
new； embroidered ones。 Katerina Ivanovna liked them very much； she put
them on and looked at herself in the glass and was delighted with
them。 'Make me a present of them； Sonia；' she said； 'please do。'
'Please do；' she said； she wanted them so much。 And when could she
wear them？ They just reminded her of her old happy days。 She looked at
herself in the glass； admired herself； and she has no clothes at
all； no things of her own； hasn't had all these years！ And she never
asks any one for anything； she is proud； she'd sooner give away
everything。 And these she asked for； she liked them so much。 And I was
sorry to give them。 'What use are they to you； Katerina Ivanovna？' I
said。 I spoke like that to her； I ought not to have said that！ She
gave me such a look。 And she was so grieved； so grieved at my refusing
her。 And it was so sad to see。。。。 And she was not grieved for the
collars； but for my refusing； I saw that。 Ah； if only
