the pursuit of the house-boat-第1章

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The　Pursuit　of　the　House…Boat


by　John　Kendrick　Bangs




CHAPTER　I：　　THE　ASSOCIATED　SHADES　TAKE　ACTION



The　House…boat　of　the　Associated　Shades；　formerly　located　upon　the　River　Styx；　as　the　reader　may　possibly　remember；　had　been　torn　from　its　moorings　and　navigated　out　into　unknown　seas　by　that　vengeful　pirate　Captain　Kidd；　aided　and　abetted　by　some　of　the　most　ruffianly　inhabitants　of　Hades。　　Like　a　thief　in　the　night　had　they　come；　and　for　no　better　reason　than　that　the　Captain　had　been　unanimously　voted　a　shade　too　shady　to　associate　with　self…respecting　spirits　had　they　made　off　with　the　happy　floating　club…house　of　their　betters；　and　worst　of　all；　with　them；　by　force　of　circumstances　over　which　they　had　no　control；　had　sailed　also　the　fair　Queen　Elizabeth；　the　spirited　Xanthippe；　and　every　other　strong…minded　and　beautiful　woman　of　Erebean　society；　whereby　the　men　thereof　were　rendered　desolate。

〃I　can't　stand　it！〃　cried　Raleigh；　desperately；　as　with　his　accustomed　grace　he　presided　over　a　special　meeting　of　the　club；　called　on　the　bank　of　the　inky　Stygian　stream；　at　the　point　where　the　missing　boat　had　been　moored。　　〃Think　of　it；　gentlemen；　Elizabeth　of　England；　Calpurnia　of　Rome；　Ophelia　of　Denmark；　and　every　precious　jewel　in　our　social　diadem　gone；　vanished　completely；　and　with　whom？　Kidd；　of　all　men　in　the　universe！　　Kidd；　the　pirate；　the　ruffian〃

〃Don't　take　on　so；　my　dear　Sir　Walter；〃　said　Socrates；　cheerfully。　〃What's　the　use　of　going　into　hysterics？　　You　are　not　a　woman；　and　should　eschew　that　luxury。　　Xanthippe　is　with　them；　and　I'll　warrant　you　that　when　that　cherished　spouse　of　mine　has　recovered　from　the　effects　of　the　sea；　say　the　third　day　out；　Kidd　and　his　crew　will　be　walking　the　plank；　and　voluntarily　at　that。〃

〃But　the　House…boat　itself；〃　murmured　Noah；　sadly。　　〃That　was　my　delight。　　It　reminded　me　in　some　respects　of　the　Ark。〃

〃The　law　of　compensation　enters　in　there；　my　dear　Commodore；〃　retorted　Socrates。　　〃For　me；　with　Xanthippe　abroad　I　do　not　need　a　club　to　go　to；　I　can　stay　at　home　and　take　my　hemlock　in　peace　and　straight。　　Xanthippe　always　compelled　me　to　dilute　it　at　the　rate　of　one　quart　of　water　to　the　finger。〃

〃Well；　we　didn't　all　marry　Xanthippe；〃　put　in　Caesar　firmly；　〃therefore　we　are　not　all　satisfied　with　the　situation。　　I；　for　one；　quite　agree　with　Sir　Walter　that　something　must　be　done；　and　quickly。　Are　we　to　sit　here　and　do　nothing；　allowing　that　fiend　to　kidnap　our　wives　with　impunity？〃

〃Not　at　all；〃　interposed　Bonaparte。　　〃The　time　for　action　has　arrived。　　All　things　considered；　he　is　welcome　to　Marie　Louise；　but　the　idea　of　Josephine　going　off　on　a　cruise　of　that　kind　breaks　my　heart。〃

〃No　question　about　it；〃　observed　Dr。　Johnson。　　〃We've　got　to　do　something　if　it　is　only　for　the　sake　of　appearances。　　The　question　really　is；　what　shall　be　done　first？〃

〃I　am　in　favor　of　taking　a　drink　as　the　first　step；　and　considering　the　matter　of　further　action　afterwards；〃　suggested　Shakespeare；　and　it　was　this　suggestion　that　made　the　members　unanimous　upon　the　necessity　for　immediate　action；　for　when　the　assembled　spirits　called　for　their　various　favorite　beverages　it　was　found　that　there　were　none　to　be　had；　it　being　Sunday；　and　all　the　establishments　wherein　liquid　refreshments　were　licensed　to　be　sold　being　closedfor　at　the　time　of　writing　the　local　government　of　Hades　was　in　the　hands　of　the　reform　party。

〃What！〃　cried　Socrates。　　〃Nothing　but　Styx　water　and　vitriol；　Sundays？　　Then　the　House…boat　must　be　recovered　whether　Xanthippe　comes　with　it　or　not。　　Sir　Walter；　I　am　for　immediate　action；　after　all。　　This　ruffian　should　be　captured　at　once　and　made　an　example　of。〃

〃Excuse　me；　Socrates；〃　put　in　Lindley　Murray；　〃but；　ahpray　speak　in　Greek　hereafter；　will　you；　please？　　When　you　attempt　English　you　have　a　beastly　way　of　working　up　to　climatic　prepositions　which　are　offensive　to　the　ear　of　a　purist。〃

〃This　is　no　time　to　discuss　style；　Murray；〃　interposed　Sir　Walter。　〃Socrates　may　speak　and　spell　like　Chaucer　if　he　pleases；　he　may　even　part　his　infinitives　in　the　middle；　for　all　I　care。　　We　have　affairs　of　greater　moment　in　hand。〃

〃We　must　ransack　the　earth；〃　cried　Socrates；　〃until　we　find　that　boat。　　I'm　dry　as　a　fish。〃

〃There　he　goes　again！〃　growled　Murray。　　〃Dry　as　a　fish！　　What　fish；　I'd　like　to　know；　is　dry？〃

〃Red　herrings；〃　retorted　Socrates；　and　there　was　a　great　laugh　at　the　expense　of　the　purist；　in　which　even　Hamlet；　who　had　grown　more　and　more　melancholy　and　morbid　since　the　abduction　of　Ophelia；　joined。

〃Then　it　is　settled；〃　said　Raleigh；　〃something　must　be　done。　　And　now　the　point　is；　what？〃

〃Relief　expeditions　have　a　way　of　finding　things；〃　suggested　Dr。　Livingstone。　　〃Or　rather　of　being　found　by　the　things　they　go　out　to　relieve。　　I　propose　that　we　send　out　a　number　of　them。　　I　will　take　Africa；　Bonaparte　can　lead　an　expedition　into　Europe；　General　Washington　may　have　North　America；　and〃

〃I　beg　pardon；〃　put　in　Dr。　Johnson；　　〃but　have　you　any　idea；　Dr。　Livingstone；　that　Captain　Kidd　has　put　wheels　on　this　House…boat　of　ours；　and　is　having　it　dragged　across　the　Sahara　by　mules　or　camels？〃

〃No　such　absurd　idea　ever　entered　my　head；〃　retorted　the　Doctor。

〃Do　you；　then；　believe　that　he　has　put　runners　on　it；　and　is　engaged　in　the　pleasurable　pastime　of　taking　the　ladies　tobogganing　down　the　Alps？〃　persisted　the　philosopher。

〃Not　at　all。　　Why　do　you　ask？〃　queried　the　African　explorer；　irritably。

〃Because　I　wish　to　know；〃　said　Johnson。　　〃That　is　always　my　motive　in　asking　questions。　　You　propose　to　go　looking　for　a　house…boat　in　Central　Africa；　you　suggest　that　Bonaparte　lead　an　expedition　in　search　of　it　through　Europeall　of　which　strikes　me　as　nonsense。　This　search　is　the　work　of　sea…dogs；　not　of　landlubbers。　　You　might　as　well　ask　Confucius　to　look　for　it　in　the　heart　of　China。　　What　earthly　use　there　is　in　ransacking　the　earth　I　fail　to　see。　　What　we　need　is　a　navel　expedition　to　scour　the　sea；　unless　it　is　pretty　well　understood　in　advance　that　we　believe　Kidd　has　hauled　the　boat　out　of　the　water；　and　is　now　using　it　for　a　roller…skating　rink　or　a　bicycle　academy　in　Ohio；　or　for　some　other　purpose　for　which　neither　he　nor　it　was　designed。〃

〃Dr。　Johnson's　point　is　well　taken；〃　said　a　stranger　who　had　been　sitting　upon　the　string…piece　of　the　pier；　quietly；　but　with　very　evident　interest；　listening　to　the　discussion。　　He　was　a　tall　and　excessively　slender　shade；　〃like　a　spirt　of　steam　out　of　a　teapot；〃　as　Johnson　put　it　afterwards；　so　slight　he　seemed。　　〃I　have　not　the　honor　of　being　a　member　of　this　association；〃　the　stranger　continued；　〃but；　like　all　well…ordered　shades；　I　aspire　to　the　distinction；　and　I　hold　myself　and　my　talents　at　the　disposal　of　this　club。　　I　fancy　it　will　not　take　us　long　to　establish　our　initial　point；　which　is　that　the　gross　person　who　has　so　foully　appropriated　your　property　to　his　own　base　uses　does　not　contemplate　removing　it　from　its　keel　and　placing　it　somewhere　inland。　　All　the　evidence　in　hand　points　to　a　radically　different　conclusion；　which　is　my　sole　reason　for　doubting　the　value　of　that　conclusion。　　Captain　Kidd　is　a　seafarer　by　instinct；　not　a　landsman。　　The　House…boat　is　not　a　house；　but　a　boat；　therefore　the　place　to　look　for　it　is　not；　as　Dr。　Johnson　so　well　says；　in　the　Sahara　Desert；　or　on　the　Alps；　or　in　the　State　of　Ohio；　but　upon　the　high　sea；　or　upon　the　waterfront　of　some　one　of　the　world's　great　cities。〃

〃And　what；　then；　would　be　your　plan？〃　asked　Sir　Walter；　impressed　by　the　stranger's　manner　as　well　as　by　the　very　manifest　reason　in　all　that　he　had　said。

〃The　chartering　of　a　suitable　vessel；　fully　armed　and　equipped　for　the　purpose　of　pursuit。　　Ascertain　whither　the　House…boat　has　sailed；　for　what　port；　and　start　at　once。　　Have　you　a　model　of　the　House…boat　within　reach？〃　returned　the　stranger。

〃I　think　not；　we　have　the　architect's　plans；　however；〃　said　the　chairman。

〃We　had；　Mr。　Chairman；〃　said　Demosthenes；　who　was　secretary　of　the　House　Committee；　rising；　〃but　they　are　gone　with　the　House…boat　itself。　　They　were　kept　in　the　safe　in　the　hold。〃

A　look　of　annoyance　came　into　the　face　of　the　stranger。

〃That's　too　bad；〃　he　said。　　〃It　was　a　most　important　part　of　my　plan　that　we　should　know　about　how　fast　the　House…boat　was。〃

〃Humph！〃　ejaculated　Socrates；　with　ill…concealed　sarcasm。　　〃If　you'll　take　Xanthippe's　word　for　it；　the　House…boat　was　the　fastest　yacht　afloat。〃

〃I　refer　to　the　matter　of　speed　in　sailing；〃　returned　the　stranger；　quietly。　　〃The　question　of　its　ethical　speed　has　nothing　to　do　with　it。〃

〃The　designer　of　the　craft　is　here；〃　said　Sir　Walter；　fixing　his　eyes　upon　Sir　Christopher　Wren。　　〃It　is　possible　that　he　may　be　of　assistance　in　settling　that　point。〃

〃What　has　all　this　got　to　do　with　the　question；　anyhow；　Mr。　Chairman？〃　asked　Solomon；　rising　impatiently　and　addressing　Sir　Walter。　　〃We　aren't　preparing　for　a　yacht…race；　that　I　know　of。　Nobody's　after　a　cup；　or　a　championship　of　any　kind。　　What　we　do　want　is　to　get　our　wives　back。　　The　Captain　hasn't　taken　more　than　half　of　mine　along　with　him；　but　I　am　interested　none　the　less。　　The　Queen　of　Sheba　is　on　board；　and　I　am　somewhat　interested　in　her　fate。　　So　I　ask　you　what　earthly　or　unearthly　use　there　is　in　discussing　this　question　of　speed　in　the　House…boat。　　It　strikes　me　as　a　woful　waste　of　time；　and　rather　unprecedented　too；　that　we　should　suspend　all　rules　and　listen　to　the　talk　of　an　entire　stranger。〃

〃I　do　not　venture　to　doubt　the　wisdom　of　Solomon；〃　said　Johnson；　dryly；　〃but　I　must　say　that　the　gentleman's　remarks　rather　interest　me。〃

〃Of　course　they　do；〃　ejaculated　Solomon。　　〃He　agreed　with　you。　　That　ought　to　make　him　interesting　to　everybody。　　Freaks　usually　are。〃

〃That　is　not　the　reason　at　all；〃　retorted　Dr。　Johnson。　　〃Cold　water　agrees　with　me；　but　it　doesn't　interest　me。　　What　I　do　think；　however；　is　that　our　unknown　friend　seems　to　have　a　grasp　on　the　situation　by　which　we　are　confronted；　and　he's　going　at　the　matter　in　hand　in　a　very　comprehensive　fashion。　　I　move；　therefore；　that　Solomon　be　laid　on　the　table；　and　that　the　privileges　of　theahof　the　wharf　be　extended　indefinitely　to　our　friend　on　the　string…　piece。〃

The　motion；　having　been　seconded；　was　duly　carried；　and　the　stranger　resumed。

〃I　will　explain　for　the　benefit　of　his　Majesty　King　Solomon；　whose　wisdom　I　have　always　admired；　and　whose　endurance　as　the　husband　of　three　hundred　wives　has　filled　me　with　wonder；〃　he　said；　〃that　before　starting　in　pursuit　of　the　stolen　vessel　we　must　select　a　craft　of　some　sort　for　the　purpose；　and　that　in　selecting　the　pursuer　it　is　quite　essential　that　we　should　choose　a　vessel　of　greater　speed　than　the　one　we　desire　to　overtake。　　It　would　hardly　be　proper；　I　think；　if　the　House…boat　can　sail　four　knots　an　hour　to　attempt　to　overhaul　her　with　a　launch；　or　other　nautical　craft；　with　a　maximum　speed　of　two　knots　an　hour。〃

〃Hear！　hear！〃　ejaculated　Caesar。

〃That　is　my　reason；　your　Majesty；　for　inquiring　as　to　the　speed　of　your　late　club…house；〃　said　the　stranger；　bowing　courteously　to　Solomon。　　〃Now；　if　Sir　Christopher　Wren　can　give　me　her　measurements；　we　can　very　soon　determine　at　about　what　rate　she　is　leaving　us　behind　under　favorable　circum