the conflict-第35章

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‘‘Nono！　　Let's　not　reason　coldly　about　things；　Victor。　　Let's　feellet's　LIVE！''

It　was　several　minutesand　not　until　they　had　kissed　many　timesbefore　he　regained　enough　self…　control　to　say：　　‘‘This　simply　will　not　do；　Jane。　　How　can　we　discuss　things　calmly？　　You　sit　there''he　pushed　her　gently　to　one　end　of　the　bench‘‘and　I'll　sit　at　this　end。　　Now！''

‘‘I　love　you；　Victor！　　With　your　arms　round　me　I　am　happyand　SO　strong！''

‘‘With　my　arms　round　you　I'm　happy；　I'll　admit；''　said　he。　　‘‘Butoh；　so　weak！　　I　have　the　sense　that　I　am　doing　wrongthat　we　are　both　doing　wrong。''

‘‘Why？　　Aren't　you　free？''

‘‘No；　I　am　not　free。　　As　I've　told　you；　I　belong　to　a　causeto　a　career。''

‘‘But　I　won't　hinder　you　there。　　I'll　help　you。''

‘‘Why　go　over　that　again？　　You　know　betterI　know　better。''　　Abruptly；　‘‘Your　fatherwhat　time　does　he　get　home　for　dinner？''

‘‘He　didn't　go　down　town　to…day；''　replied　Jane。　　‘‘He's　not　wellnot　at　all　well。''

Victor　looked　baffled。　　‘‘I　was　about　to　propose　that　we　go　straight　to　him。''

If　he　had　been　looking　at　Jane；　he　might　have　seen　the　fleeting　flash　of　an　expression　that　betrayed　that　she　had　suspected　the　object　of　his　inquiry。

‘‘You　will　not　go　with　me　to　your　father？''

‘‘Not　when　he　is　ill；''　said　she。　　‘‘If　we　told　him；　it　might　kill　him。　　He　has　ambitionswhat　he　regards　as　ambitionsfor　me。　　He　admires　you；　buthe　doesn't　admire　your　ideas。''

‘‘Then；''　said　Victor；　following　his　own　train　of　thought；　‘‘we　must　fight　this　out　between　ourselves。　　I　was　hoping　I'd　have　your　father　to　help　me。　　I'm　sure；　as　soon　as　you　faced　him　with　me；　you'd　realize　that　your　feeling　about　me　is　largely　a　delusion。''

‘‘And　you？''　said　Jane　softly。　　‘‘Your　feeling　about　methe　feeling　that　made　you　kiss　mewas　that　delusion？''

‘‘It　wasjust　what　you　saw；''　replied　he；　‘‘and　nothing　more。　　The　idea　of　marrying　youof　living　my　life　with　you　doesn't　attract　me　in　the　least。　　I　can't　see　you　as　my　wife。''　　He　looked　at　her　impatiently。　　‘‘Have　you　no　imagination？　　Can't　you　see　that　you　could　not　change；　and　become　what　you'd　have　to　be　if　you　lived　with　me？''

‘‘You　can　make　of　me　what　you　please；''　repeated　she　with　loving　obstinacy。

‘‘That　is　not　sincere！''　cried　he。　　‘‘You　may　think　it　is；　but　it　isn't。　　Look　at　me；　Jane。''

‘‘I　haven't　been　doing　anything　else　since　we　met；''　laughed　she。

‘‘That's　better；''　said　he。　　‘‘Let's　not　be　solemn。　　Solemnity　is　pose；　and　when　people　are　posing　they　get　nowhere。　　You　say　I　can　make　of　you　what　I　please。　　Do　you　mean　that　you　are　willing　to　become　a　woman　of　my　classto　be　that　all　your　lifeto　bring　up　your　children　in　that　wayto　give　up　your　fashionable　friendsand　maidand　carriagesand　Paris　clothesto　be　a　woman　who　would　not　make　my　associates　and　their　families　uncomfortable　and　shy？''

She　was　silent。　　She　tried　to　speak；　but　lifting　her　eyes　before　she　began　her　glance　encountered　his　and　her　words　died　upon　her　lips。

‘‘You　know　you　did　not　mean　that；''　pursued　he。　　‘‘Now；　I'll　tell　you　what　you　did　mean。　　You　meant　that　after　you　and　I　were　marriedor　engagedperhaps　you　did　not　intend　to　go　quite　so　far　as　marriage　just　yet。''

The　color　crept　into　her　averted　face。

‘‘Look　at　me！''　he　commanded　laughingly。

With　an　effort　she　forced　her　eyes　to　meet　his。

‘‘Nowsmile；　Jane！''

His　smile　was　contagious。　　The　curve　of　her　lips　changed；　her　eyes　gleamed。

‘‘Am　I　not　reading　your　thoughts？''　said　he。

‘‘You　are　very　clever；　Victor；''　admitted　she。

‘‘Good。　　We　are　getting　on。　　You　believed　that；　once　we　were　engaged；　I　would　gradually　begin　to　yield；　to　come　round　to　your　way　of　thinking。　　You　had　planned　for　me　a　career　something　like　Davy　Hull'sonly　freer　and　bolder。　　I　would　become　a　member　of　your　class；　but　would　pose　as　a　representative　of　the　class　I　had　personally　abandoned。　　Am　I　right？''

‘‘Go　on；　Victor；''　she　said。

‘‘That's　about　all。　　Now；　there　are　just　two　objections　to　your　plan。　　The　first　is；　it　wouldn't　work。　　My　associates　would　be　‘on　to'　me　in　a　very　short　time。　　They　are　shrewd；　practical；　practically　educated　men　not　at　all　the　sort　that　follow　Davy　Hull　or　are　wearing　Kelly's　and　House's　nose　rings。　　In　a　few　months　I'd　find　myself　a　leader　without　a　following　and　what　is　more　futile　and　ridiculous　than　that？''

‘‘They　worship　you；''　said　Jane。　　‘‘They　trust　you　implicitly。　　They　know　that　whatever　you　did　would　be　for　their　good。''

He　laughed　heartily。　　‘‘How　little　you　know　my　friends；''　said　he。　　‘‘I　am　their　leader　only　because　I　am　working　with　them；　doing　what　we　all　see　must　be　done；　doing　it　in　the　way　in　which　we　all　see　it　must　be　done。''

‘‘But　THAT　is　not　power！''　cried　Jane。

‘‘No；''　replied　Victor。　　‘‘But　it　is　the　career　I　wish　the　only　one　I'd　have。　　Power　means　that　one's　followers　are　weak　or　misled　or　ignorant。　　To　be　first　among　equalsthat's　worth　while。　　The　other　thing　is　the　poor　tawdriness　that　kings　and　bosses　crave　and　that　shallow；　snobbish　people　admire。''

‘‘I　see　that；''　said　Jane。　　‘‘At　least；　I　begin　to　see　it。　　How　wonderful　you　are！''

Victor　laughed。　　‘‘Is　it　that　I　know　so　much；　or　is　it　that　you　know　so　little？''

‘‘You　don't　like　for　me　to　tell　you　that　I　admire　you？''　said　Jane；　subtle　and　ostentatiously　timid。

‘‘I　don't　care　much　about　it　one　way　or　the　other；''　replied　Victor；　who　had；　when　he　chose；　a　rare　ability　to　be　blunt　without　being　rude。　　‘‘Years　ago；　for　my　own　safety；　I　began　to　train　myself　to　care　little　for　any　praise　or　blame　but　my　own；　and　to　make　myself　a　very　searching　critic　of　myself。　　So；　I　am　really　flattered　only　when　I　win　my　own　praiseand　I　don't　often　have　that　pleasure。''

‘‘Really；　I　don't　see　why　you　bother　with　me；''　said　she　with　sly　innocencewhich　was　as　far　as　she　dared　let　her　resentments　go。

‘‘For　two　reasons；''　replied　he　promptly。　　‘‘It　flatters　me　that　you　are　interested　in　me。　　The　second　reason　is　that；　when　I　lost　control　of　myself　yesterday；　I　involved　myself　in　certain　responsibilities　to　you。　　It　has　seemed　to　me　that　I　owe　it　to　myself　and　to　you　to　make　you　see　that　there　is　neither　present　nor　future　in　any　relations　between　us。''

She　put　out　her　hand；　and　before　he　knew　what　he　was　doing　he　had　clasped　it。　　With　a　gentle；　triumphant　smile　she　said：　　‘‘THERE'S　the　answer　to　all　your　reasoning；　Victor。''

He　released　her　hand。　　‘‘AN　answer；''　he　said；　‘‘but　not　the　correct　answer。''　　He　eyed　her　thoughtfully。　　‘‘You　have　done　me　a　great　service；''　he　went　on。　　‘‘You　have　shown　me　an　unsuspected；　a　dangerous　weakness　in　myself。　　At　another　timeand　coming　in　another　way；　I　might　have　made　a　mess　of　my　careerand　of　the　things　that　have　been　entrusted　to　me。''　　A　long　pause；　then　he　added；　to　himself　rather　than　to　her；　‘‘I　must　look　out　for　that。　　I　must　do　something　about　it。''

Jane　turned　toward　him　and　settled　herself　in　a　resolute　attitude　and　with　a　resolute　expression。　　‘‘Victor；''　she　said；　‘‘I've　listened　to　you　very　patiently。　　Now　I　want　you　to　listen　to　me。　　What　is　the　truth　about　us？　　Why；　that　we　are　as　if　we　had　been　made　for　each　other。　　I　don't　know　as　much　as　you　do。　　I've　led　a　much　narrower　life。　　I've　been　absurdly　mis…　educated。　　But　as　soon　as　I　saw　you　I　felt　that　I　had　found　the　man　I　was　looking　for。　　And　I　believeI　feelI　KNOW　you　were　drawn　to　me　in　the　same　way。　　Isn't　that　so？''

‘‘Youfascinated　me；''　confessed　he。　　‘‘Youor　your　clothesor　your　perfume。''

‘‘Explain　it　as　you　like；''　said　she。　　‘‘The　fact　remains　that　we　were　drawn　together。　　WellVictor；　_I_　am　not　afraid　to　face　the　future；　as　fate　maps　it　out　for　us。　　Are　you？''

He　did　not　answer。

‘‘YouAFRAID；''　she　went　on。　　‘‘Noyou　couldn't　be　afraid。''

A　long　silence。　　Then　he　said　abruptly：　　‘‘IF　we　loved　each　other。　　But　I　know　that　we　don't。　　I　know　that　you　would　hate　me　when　you　realized　that　you　couldn't　move　me。　　And　I　know　that　I　should　soon　get　over　the　infatuation　for　you。　　As　soon　as　it　became　a　question　of　sympathiescommon　tastescongenialityI'd　find　you　hopelessly　lacking。''

She　felt　that　he　was　contrasting　her　with　some　one　elsewith　a　certain　some　one。　　And　she　veiled　her　eyes　to　hide　their　blazing　jealousy。　　A　movement　on　his　part　made　her　raise　them　in　sudden　alarm。　　He　had　risen。　　His　expression　told　her　that　the　battle　was　lostfor　the　day。　　Never　had　she　loved　him　as　at　that　moment；　and　never　had　longing　to　possess　him　so　dominated　her　willful；　self…indulgent；　spoiled　nature。　　Yet　she　hated　him；　too；　she　longed　to　crush　him；　to　make　him　sufferto　repay　him　with　interest　for　the　suffering　he　was　inflicting　upon　herthe　humiliation。　　But　she　dared　not　show　her　feelings。　　It　would　be　idle　to　try　upon　this　man　any　of　the　coquetries　indicated　for　such　casesto　dismiss　him　coldly；　or　to　make　an　appeal　through　an　exhibition　of　weakness　or　reckless　passion。

‘‘You　will　see　the　truth；　for　yourself；　as　you　think　things　over；''　said　he。

She　rose；　stood　before　him　with　downcast　eyes；　with　mouth　sad　and　sweet。　　‘‘No；''　she　said；　‘‘It's　you　who　are　hiding　the　truth　from　yourself。　　I　hopefor　both　our　sakesthat　you'll　see　it　before　long。　　Good…by　dear。''　　She　stretched　out　her　hand。

Hesitatingly　he　took　it。　　As　their　hands　met；　her　pulse　beating　against　his；　she　lifted　her　eyes。　　And　once　more　he　was　holding　her　close；　was　kissing　her。　　And　she　was　lying　in　his　arms　unresisting；　with　two　large　tears　shining　in　the　long　lashes　of　her　closed　eyes。

‘‘Oh；　Janeforgive　me！''　he　cried；　releasing　her。　　‘‘I　must　keep　away　from　you。　　I　willI　WILL！''　　And　he　was　rushing　down　the　steep　slopedirect；　swift；　relentless。　　But　she；　looking　after　him　with　a　tender；　dreamy　smile；　murmured：　　‘‘He　loves　me。　　He　will　come　again。　　If　notI'll　go　and　get　him！''


To　Jane　Victor　Dorn's　analysis　of　his　feeling　toward　her　and　of　the　reasons　against　yielding　to　it　seemed　of　no　importance　whatever。　　Side　by　side　with　Selma's

‘‘One　may　not　trifle　with　love''　she　would　have　put　‘‘In　matters　of　love　one　does　not　reason；''　as　equally　axiomatic。　　Victor　was　simply　talking；　love　would　conquer　him　as　it　had　conquered　every　man　and　every　woman　it　had　ever　entered。　　Loveblind；　unreasoning；　irresistible　would　have　its　will　and　its　way。

And　about　most　men　she　would　have　been　right　about　any　man　practically；　of　the　preceding　generation。　　But　Victor　represented　a　new　type　of　human　being　the　type　into　whose　life　reason　enters　not　merely　as　a　theoretical　force；　to　be　consulted　and　disregarded；　but　as　an　authority；　a　powerful　influence；　dominant　in　all　crucial　matters。　　Only　in　our　own　time　has　science　begun　to　make　a　notable　impression　upon　the　fog　which　formerly　lay　over　the　whole　human　mind；　thicker　here；　thinner　there；　a　mere　haze　yonder；　but　present　everywhere。　　This　fog　made　clear　vision　impossible；　usually　made　seeing　of　any　kind　difficult；　there　was　no　such　thing　as　finding　a　distinct　line　between　truth　and　error　as　to　any　subject。　　And　reason　seemed　almost　as　faulty　a　guide　as　feelingwas　by　many　regarded　as　more　faulty；　not　without　justification。

But　nowadays　for　some　of　us　there　are　clear　or　almost　clear　horizons；　and　such　fog　banks　as　there　are　conceal　from　them　nothing　that　is　of　importance　in　shaping　a　rational　course　of　life。　　Victor　Dorn　was　one　of　these　emancipated　few。　　All　successful　men　form　th