the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第2章

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I　said；　〃Betsy　Jane　is　my　wife's　front　name；　gentle　yooth；　and　I
permits　no　person　to　alood　to　her　as　B。J。　outside　of　the　family
circle；　of　which　I　am　it　principally　myself。　　Your　other
observations　I　scorn　and　disgust；　and　I　must　pollish　you　off。〃

He　was　a　able…bodied　young　man；　and；　remoovin　his　coat；　he
enquired　if　I　wanted　to　be　ground　to　powder？　　I　said；　Yes：　　if
there　was　a　Powder…grindist　handy；　nothin　would　'ford　me　greater
pleasure；　when　he　struck　me　a　painful　blow　into　my　right　eye；
causin'　me　to　make　a　rapid　retreat　into　the　fireplace。　　I　hadn't
no　idee　that　the　enemy　was　so　well　organized。　　But　I　rallied　and
went　for　him；　in　a　rayther　vigris　style　for　my　time　of　life。　　His
parunts　lived　near　by；　and　I　will　simply　state　15　minits　had　only
elapst　after　the　first　act　when　he　was　carried　home　on　a　shutter。
His　mama　met　the　sollum　procession　at　the　door；　and　after
keerfully　looking　her　orfspring　over；　she　said：

〃My　son；　I　see　how　it　is　distinctually。　　You've　been　foolin'
round　a　Trashin　Masheen。　　You　went　in　at　the　place　where　they　put
the　grain　in；　cum　out　with　the　straw；　and　you　got　up　into　the
thingamyjig；　and　let　the　horses　tred　on　you；　didn't　you；　my　son？〃

The　pen　of　no　liven　Orthur　could　describe　that　disfortnit　young
man's　sittywation　more　clearer。　　But　I　was　sorry　for　him；　and　I
went　and　nussed　him　till　he　got　well。　　His　reg'lar　original
father　being　absent　to　the　war；　I　told　him　I'd　be　a　father　to　him
myself。　　He　smilt　a　sickly　smile；　and　said　I'd　already　been　wus
than　two　fathers　to　him。

I　will　here　obsarve　that　fitin　orter　be　allus　avided；　excep　in
extreem　cases。　　My　principle　is；　if　a　man　smites　me　on　the　right
cheek　I'll　turn　my　left　to　him；　prob'ly；　but　if　he　insinooates
that　my　gran'mother　wasn't　all　right；　I'll　punch　his　hed。　　But
fitin　is　mis'ble　bisniss；　gen'rally　speakin；　and　whenever　any
enterprisin　countryman　of　mine　cums　over　here　to　scoop　up　a
Briton　in　the　prize　ring　I'm　allus　excessively　tickled　when　he
gets　scooped　hisself；　which　it　is　a　sad　fack　has　thus　far　been
the　casemy　only　sorrer　bein'　that　t'other　feller　wasn't　scooped
likewise。　　It's　diff'rently　with　scullin　boats；　which　is　a　manly
sport；　and　I　can　only　explain　Mr。　Hamil's　resunt　defeat　in　this
country　on　the　grounds　that　he　wasn't　used　to　British　water。　　I
hope　this　explanation　will　be　entirely　satisfact'ry　to　all。

As　I　remarked　afore；　I'm　gettin'　on　well。　　I'm　aware　that　I'm　in
the　great　metrop'lis　of　the　world；　and　it　doesn't　make　me　onhappy
to　admit　the　fack。　A　man　is　a　ass　who　dispoots　it。　　That's　all
that　ails　HIM。　　I　know　there　is　sum　peple　who　cum　over　here　and
snap　and　snarl　'bout　this　and　that：　　I　know　one　man　who　says　it
is　a　shame　and　a　disgrace　that　St。　Paul's　Church　isn't　a　older
edifiss；　he　says　it　should　be　years　and　even　ages　older　than　it
is；　but　I　decline　to　hold　myself　responsible　for　the　conduck　of
this　idyit　simply　because　he's　my　countryman。　　I　spose　every
civ'lised　land　is　endowed　with　its　full　share　of　gibberin'
idyits；　and　it　can't　be　helptleastways　I　can't　think　of　any
effectooal　plan　of　helpin'　it。

I'm　a　little　sorry　you've　got　politics　over　here；　but　I　shall　not
diskuss　'em　with　nobody。　　Tear　me　to　pieces　with　wild　omnibus
hosses；　and　I　won't　diskuss　'em。　　I've　had　quite　enuff　of　'em　at
home；　thank　you。　　I　was　at　Birmingham　t'other　night；　and　went　to
the　great　meetin'　for　a　few　minits。　　I　hadn't　been　in　the　hall
long　when　a　stern…lookin'　artisan　said　to　me：

〃You　ar　from　Wales！〃

No；　I　told　him　I　didn't　think　I　was。　　A　hidgyis　tho't　flasht　over
me。　　It　was　of　that　onprincipled　taler；　and　I　said；　〃Has　my
clothin'　a　Welchy　appearance？〃

〃Not　by　no　means；〃　he　answered；　and　then　he　said；　〃And　what　is
your　opinyin　of　the　present　crisis？〃

I　said；　〃I　don't　zackly　know。　　Have　you　got　it　very　bad？〃

He　replied；　〃Sir；　it　is　sweepin'　England　like　the　Cymoon　of　the
Desert！〃

〃Wall；〃　I　said；　〃let　it　sweep！〃

He　ceased　me　by　the　arm　and　said；　〃Let　us　glance　at　hist'ry。　　It
is　now　some　two　thousand　years〃

〃Is　it；　indeed？〃　I　replied。

〃Listin！〃　he　fiercely　cried；　〃it　is　only　a　little　over　two
thousand　years　since〃

〃Oh；　bother！〃　I　remarkt；　〃let　us　go　out　and　git　some　beer。〃

〃No；　Sir。　　I　want　no　gross　and　sensual　beer。　　I'll　not　move　from
this　spot　till　I　can　vote。　　Who　ar　you？〃

I　handed　him　my　card；　which　in　addition　to　my　name；　contains　a
elabrit　description　of　my　show。　　〃Now；　Sir；〃　I　proudly　said；　〃you
know　me？〃

〃I　sollumly　swear；〃　he　sternly　replied；　〃that　I　never　heard　of
you；　or　your　show；　in　my　life！〃

〃And　this　man；〃　I　cried　bitterly；　〃calls　hisself　a　intelligent
man；　and　thinks　he　orter　be　allowed　to　vote！　　What　a　holler
mockery！〃

I've　no　objection　to　ev'ry　intelligent　man　votin'　if　he　wants　to。
It's　a　pleasant　amoosement；　no　doubt；　but　there　is　those　whose
igrance　is　so　dense　and　loathsum　that　they　shouldn't　be　trustid
with　a　ballit　any　more'n　one　of　my　trained　serpunts　should　be
trusted　with　a　child　to　play　with。

I　went　to　the　station　with　a　view　of　returnin'　to　town　on　the
cars。

〃This　way；　Sir；〃　said　the　guard；　〃here　you　ar；〃　and　he　pinted　to
a　first…class　carriage；　the　sole　ockepant　of　which　was　a　rayther
prepossessin'　female　of　about　30　summers。

〃No；　I　thank　you；〃　I　earnestly　replied；　〃I　prefer　to　walk。〃

I　am；　dear　Sir；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Very　respectivly　yours；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　WArd。

5。3。　　THE　GREEN　LION　AND　OLIVER　CROMWELL。

MR。　PUNCH：　　My　Dear　Sir；It　is　now　two　weeks　since　a　rayther
strange　lookin　man　engaged　'partments　at　the　Green　Lion。　　He
stated　he　was　from　the　celebrated　United　States；　but　beyond　this
he　said　nothin。　　He　seem'd　to　prefer　sollytood。　　He　remained
mostly　in　his　room；　and　whenever　he　did　show　hisself　he　walkt　in
a　moody　and　morose　manner　in　the　garding；　with　his　hed　bowed　down
and　his　arms　foldid　across　his　brest。　　He　reminded　me　sumwhat　of
the　celebrated　but　onhappy　〃Mr。　Haller；〃　in　the　cheerful　play　of
〃The　Stranger。〃　　This　man　puzzled　me。　　I'd　been　puzzled　afore
several　times；　but　never　so　severally　as　now。　　Mine　Ost　of　the
Greenlion　said　I　must　interregate　this　strange　bein；　who　claimed
to　be　my　countryman。

〃He　hasn't　called　for　a　drop　of　beer　since　he's　been　in　this　ere
Ouse；〃　said　the　landlord。　　〃I　look　to　you；〃　he　added；　〃to　clear
up　this　dark；　this　orful　mistry！〃

I　wringed　the　lan'lord's　honest　hand；　and　told　him　to　consider
the　mistry　cleared　up。

I　gained　axes　to　the　misterus　bein's　room；　and　by　talkin　sweet　to
him　for　a　few　minits；　I　found　out　who　he　was。　　Then　returnin　to
the　lan'lord；　who　was　nervisly　pacin　up　and　down　the　bar；　I　said；

〃Sweet　ROLANDO；　don't　tremble　no　more！　　I've　torn　the　marsk　from
the　hawty　stranger's　face；　and　dived　into　the　recesses　of　his
inmost　sole！　　He's　a　Trans…Mejim。〃

I'd　been　to　the　Beefanham　theatre　the　previs　evenin；　and　probly
the　drammer　I　saw　affected　me；　because　I'm　not　in　the　habit　of
goin　on　as　per　above。　　I　like　the　Beefanham　theatre　very　much
indeed；　because　there　a　enthoosiastic　lover　of　the　theatre　like
myself　can　unite　the　legitermit　drammer　with　fish。　　Thus；　while
your　enrapterd　soul　drinks　in　the　lorfty　and　noble　sentences　of
the　gifted　artists；　you　can　eat　a　biled　mack'ril　jest　as
comfor'bly　as　in　your　own　house。　　I　felt　constrained；　however；　to
tell　a　fond　mother　who　sot　immegitly　behind　me；　and　who　was
accompanied　by　a　gin　bottle；　and　a　young　infantI　felt
constrained　to　tell　that　mother；　when　her　infant　playfully
mingled　a　rayther　oily　mack'ril　with　the　little　hair　which　is
left　on　my　vener'ble　hed；　that　I　had　a　bottle　of　scented　hair　oil
at　home；　which　on　the　whole　I　tho't　I　preferred　to　that　which　her
orfspring　was　greasin　me　with。　　This　riled　the　excellent　feamale；
and　she　said：

〃Git　out！　　You　never　was　a　infank　yourself；　I　spose！　　Oh　no！　　You
was　too　good　to　be　a　infank；　you　was！　　You　slid　into　the　world
all　ready　grow'd；　didn't　you？　　Git　out！〃

〃No；　Madam；〃　I　replied；　〃I　too　was　once　a　infant！　　I　was　a　luvly
child。　　People　used　to　come　in　large　and　enthoosiastic　crowds
from　all　parts　of　the　country　to　see　me；　I　was　such　a　sweet　and
intel'gent　infant。　　The　excitement　was　so　intens；　in　fack；　that　a
extra　hotel　was　startid　in　the　town　to　accomodate　the　peple　who
thronged　to　my　cradle。〃　　Havin　finished　these　troothful
statemints；　I　smilt　sweetly　on　the　worthy　female。　　She　said：

〃Drat　you；　what　do　you　come　a…chaffin　me　for？〃　and　the　estymible
woman　was　really　gettin　furis；　when　I　mollyfied　her　by　praisin
her　child；　and　by　axin　pardin　for　all　I'd　said。

〃This　little　gal；〃　I　observed；　〃this　surprisingly　lively　gal
when〃　the　mother　said；

〃It's　t'other　sect　is　he；　Sir：　　it's　a　boy。〃

〃Wall；〃　I　said；　〃then　this　little　boy；　whose　eye　is　like　a　eagle
a…soaring　proudly　in　the　azure　sky；　will　some　day　be　a　man；　if　he
don't　choke　hisself　to　death　in　childhood's　sunny　hours　with　a
smelt　or　a　bloater；　or　some　other　drefful　calamity。　　How　surblime
the　tho't；　my　dear　Madam；　that　this　infant　as　you　fondle　on　your
knee　on　this　night；　may　grow　up　into　a　free　and　independent
citizen；　whose　vote　will　be　worth　from　ten　to　fifteen　pounds；
accordin　as　suffrage　may　range　at　that　joyous　perid！〃

Let　us　now　return；　jentle　reader；　to　the　lan'lord　of　the　Green
Lion；　who　we　left　in　the　bar　in　a　state　of　anxiety　and　perspire。
Rubbin　his　hot　face　with　a　red　handkercher；　he　said；　〃Is　the
strange　bein　a　American？〃

〃He　is。〃

〃A　Gen'ral？〃

〃No。〃

〃A　Colonial？〃

〃No。〃

〃A　Majer？〃

〃Not　a　Majer。〃

〃A　Capting？〃

〃He　is　not。〃

〃A　leftenant？〃

〃Not　even　that。〃

〃Then；〃　said　the　lan'lord　of　the　Green　Lion；　〃you　ar　deceeved！
He　is　no　countryman　of　yours。〃

〃Why　not？〃　I　said。

〃I　will　tell　you；　Sir；〃　said　the　lan'lord。　　〃My　son…in…law　is
employed　in　a　bankin　house　where　ev'ry　American　as　comes　to　these
shores　goes　to　git　his　drafts　casht；　and　he　says　that　not　one　has
arrived　on　these　shores　during　the　last　18　months　as　wasn't　a
Gen'ral；　a　Colonial；　a　Majer；　a　Capting；　or　a　leftenant！　　This
man；　as　I　said　afore；　has　deceeved　you！　　He's　a　imposture！〃

I　reeled　into　a　chair。　　For　a　minit　I　was　speechlis。　　At　length　I
murmured；　〃Alars！　　I　fear　it　is　too　troo！　　Even　I　was　a　Capting
of　the　Home　Gards。〃

〃To　be　sure；〃　said　the　lan'lord；　〃you　all　do　it　over　there。〃

〃Wall；〃　I　said；　〃whatever　nation　this　person　belongs　to；　we　may
as　well　go　and　hear　him　lectur　this　evenin。　　He　is　one　of　these
spirit　fellershe　is　a　Trans…Mejim；　and　when　he　slings　himself
into　a　trans…state　he　says　the　sperits　of　departed　great　men　talk
through　him。　　He　says　that　to…night　sev'ril　em'nent　persons　will
speak　through　himamong　others；　Cromwell。〃

〃And　this　Mr。　Cromwellis　he　dead？〃　said　the　lan'lord。

I　told　him　that　Oliver　was　no　more。

〃It's　a　umbug；〃　said　the　lan'lord；　to　which　I　replied　that　we'd
best　go　and　see；　and　we　went。　　We　was　late；　on　account　of　the
lan'lord's　extensiv　acquaintans　with　the　public　house　keepers
along　the　road；　and　the　hall　was　some　two　miles　distant；　but　we
got　there　at　last。　　The　hall　was　about　half　full；　and　the　Mejim
was　just　then　assumin'　to　be　Benjamin　Franklin；　who　was　speakin
about　the　Atlantic　Cable。

He　said　the　Cable　was　really　a　merrytorious　affair；　and　that
messige