men, women and ghosts(男人、女人和鬼魂)-第22章
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cuttin' a plenty。〃 〃I got a dret'ful tender throat； Dr。 Smiles he told me I
mustn't resk ice…cuttin'。〃 〃Why haven't you gone to Boston； And hunted up
a job？〃 〃Have yer forgot the time I went expressin' In the American office；
down ther？〃 〃And come back two weeks later！ No； I ain't。〃 〃You didn't
want I should git hurted； Did yer？ I'm a sight too light fer all that liftin'
work。 My back was commencin' to strain； as 'twas。 Ef I was like yer
brother now； I'd ha' be'n down to the city long ago。 But I'm too clumsy fer
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a dancer。 I ain't got Arthur's luck。〃 〃Do you call it luck to be a disgrace to
your folks； And git locked up in jail！〃 〃Oh； come now； Alice； ‘Disgrace' is
a mite strong。 Why； the jail was a joke。 Art's all right。〃 〃All right！ All right
to dance； and smirk； and lie For a livin'； And then in the end Lead a silly
girl to give you What warn't hers to give By pretendin' you'd marry her
And she a pupil。〃 〃He'd ha' married her right enough； Her folks was
millionaires。〃 〃Yes； he'd ha' married her！ Thank God； they saved her that。〃
〃Art's a fine feller。 I wish I had his luck。 Swellin' round in Hart； Schaffner
& Marx fancy suits； And eatin' in rest'rants。 But somebody's got to stick to
the old place； Else Foxfield'd have to shut up shop； Hey； Alice？〃 〃You
admire him！ You admire Arthur！ You'd be like him only you can't dance。
Oh； Shame！ Shame！ And I've been like that silly girl。 Fooled with your
promises； And I give you all I had。 I knew it； oh； I knew it； But I wanted to
git away 'fore I proved it。 You've shamed me through and through。 Why
couldn't you hold your tongue； And spared me seein' you As you really
are。〃 〃What the Devil's the row？ I only said Art was lucky。 What you
spitfirin' at me fer？ Ferget it； Alice。 We've had good times； ain't we？ I'll see
Cleve 'bout that job agin to…morrer； And we'll be married 'fore hayin'
time。〃 〃It's like you to remind me o' hayin' time。 I've good cause to love it；
ain't I？ Many's the night I've hid my face in the dark To shut out thinkin'！〃
〃Why； that ain't nothin'。 You ain't be'n half so kind to me As lots o' fellers'
girls。 Gi' me a kiss； Dear； And let's make up。〃 〃Make up！ You poor fool。
Do you suppose I care a ten cent piece For you now。 You've killed yourself
for me。 Done it out o' your own mouth。 You've took away my home； I hate
the sight o' the place。 You're all over it； Every stick an' stone means you；
An' I hate 'em all。〃 〃Alice； I say； Don't go on like that。 I can't marry yer
Boardin' in one room； But I'll see Cleve to…morrer； I'll make him 〃 〃Oh；
you fool！ You terrible fool！〃 〃Alice； don't go yit； Wait a minit； I'll see
Cleve 〃 〃You terrible fool！〃 〃Alice； don't go。 Alice 〃 （Door slams）
Number 3 on the Docket
The lawyer； are you？ Well！ I ain't got nothin' to say。 Nothin'！ I told
the perlice I hadn't nothin'。 They know'd real well 'twas me。 Ther warn't no
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supposin'； Ketchin' me in the woods as they did； An' me in my house dress。
Folks don't walk miles an' miles In the drifted snow； With no hat nor wrap
on 'em Ef everythin's all right； I guess。 All right？ Ha！ Ha！ Ha！
Nothin' warn't right with me。 Never was。 Oh； Lord！ Why did I do it？
Why ain't it yesterday； and Ed here agin？ Many's the time I've set up with
him nights When he had cramps； or rheumatizm； or somethin'。 I used ter
nurse him same's ef he was a baby。 I wouldn't hurt him； I love him！ Don't
you dare to say I killed him。 'Twarn't me！ Somethin' got aholt o' me。 I
couldn't help it。 Oh； what shall I do！ What shall I do！ Yes； Sir。 No； Sir。 I
beg your pardon； I I Oh； I'm a wicked woman！ An' I'm desolate；
desolate！ Why warn't I struck dead or paralyzed Afore my hands done it。
Oh； my God； what shall I do！ No； Sir； ther ain't no extenuatin'
circumstances； An' I don't want none。 I want a bolt o' lightnin' To strike me
dead right now！ Oh； I'll tell yer。 But it won't make no diff'rence。 Nothin'
will。 Yes； I killed him。 Why do yer make me say it？ It's cruel！ Cruel！ I
killed him because o' th' silence。 The long； long silence； That watched all
around me； And he wouldn't break it。 I tried to make him； Time an' agin；
But he was terrible taciturn； Ed was。 He never spoke 'cept when he had to；
An' then he'd only say 〃yes〃 and 〃no〃。 You can't even guess what that
silence was。 I'd hear it whisperin' in my ears； An' I got frightened； 'twas so
thick； An' al'ays comin' back。 Ef Ed would ha' talked sometimes It would
ha' driven it away； But he never would。 He didn't hear it same as I did。 You
see； Sir； Our farm was off'n the main road； And set away back under the
mountain； And the village was seven mile off； Measurin' after you'd got
out o' our lane。 We didn't have no hired man； 'Cept in hayin' time； An'
Dane's place； That was the nearest； Was clear way 'tother side the
mountain。 They used Marley post…office An' ours was Benton。 Ther was a
cart…track took yer to Dane's in Summer； An' it warn't above two mile that
way； But it warn't never broke out Winters。 I used to dread the Winters。
Seem's ef I couldn't abear to see the golden…rod bloomin'； Winter'd come
so quick after that。 You don't know what snow's like when yer with it Day
in an' day out。 Ed would be out all day loggin'； An' I set at home and look
at the snow Layin' over everythin'； It 'ud dazzle me blind； Till it warn't
white any more； but black as ink。 Then the quiet 'ud commence rushin'
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past my ears Till I most went mad listenin' to it。 Many's the time I've
dropped a pan on the floor Jest to hear it clatter。 I was most frantic when
dinner…time come An' Ed was back from the woods。 I'd ha' give my soul to
hear him speak。 But he'd never say a word till I asked him Did he like the
raised biscuits or whatever； An' then sometimes he'd jest nod his answer。
Then he'd go out agin； An' I'd watch him from the kitchin winder。 It
seemed the woods come marchin' out to meet him An' the trees 'ud press
round him an' hustle him。 I got so I was scared o' th' trees。 I thought they
come nearer； Every day a little nearer； Closin' up round the house。 I never
went in t' th' woods Winters； Though in Summer I liked 'em well enough。
It warn't so bad when my little boy was with us。 He used to go sleddin' and
skatin'； An' every day his father fetched him to school in the pung An'
brought him back agin。 We scraped an' scraped fer Neddy； We wanted him
to have a education。 We sent him to High School； An' then he went up to
Boston to Technology。 He was a minin' engineer； An' doin' real well； A
credit to his bringin' up。 But his very first position ther was an explosion in
the mine。 And I'm glad！ I'm glad！ He ain't here to see me now。 Neddy！
Neddy！ I'm your mother still； Neddy。 Don't turn from me like that。 I can't
abear it。 I can't！ I can't！ What did you say？ Oh； yes； Sir。 I'm here。 I'm
very sorry； I don't know what I'm sayin'。 No； Sir； Not till after Neddy died。
'Twas the next Winter the silence come； I don't remember noticin' it afore。
That was five year ago； An' it's been gittin' worse an' worse。 I asked Ed to
put in a telephone。 I thought ef I felt the whisperin' comin' on I could ring
up some o' th' folks。 But Ed wouldn't hear of it。 He said we'd paid so much
for Neddy We couldn't hardly git along as 'twas。 An' he never understood
me wantin' to talk。 Well； this year was worse'n all the others； We had a
terrible spell o' stormy weather； An' the snow lay so thick You couldn't see
the fences even。 Out o' doors was as flat as the palm o' my hand； Ther
warn't a hump or a holler Fer as you could see。 It was so quiet The
snappin' o' the branches back in the wood…lot Sounded like pistol shots。 Ed
was out all day Same as usual。 An' it seemed he talked less'n ever。 He
didn't even say ‘Good…mornin''； once or twice； An' jest nodded or shook
his head when I asked him things。 On Monday he said he'd got to go over
to Benton Fer some oats。 I'd oughter ha' gone with him； But 'twas washin'
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day An' I was afeared the fine weather'd break； An' I couldn't do my dryin'。
All my life I'd done my work punctual； An' I couldn't fix my conscience
To go junketin' on a washin'…day。 I can't tell you what that day was to me。
It dragged an' dragged； Fer ther warn't no Ed ter break it in the middle Fer
dinner。 Every time I stopped stirrin' the water I heerd the whisperin' all
about me。 I stopped oftener'n I should To see ef 'twas still ther； An' it al'ays
was。 An' gittin' louder It seemed ter me。 Once I threw up the winder to feel
the wind。 That seemed most alive somehow。 But the woods looked so kind
of menacin' I closed it quick An' started to mangle's hard's I could； The
squeakin' was comfortin'。 Well； Ed come home 'bout four。 I seen him down
the road； An' I run out through the shed inter th' barn To meet him quicker。
I hollered out； ‘Hullo！' But he didn't say nothin'； He jest drove right in An'
climbed out o' th' sleigh An' commenced unharnessin'。 I asked him a heap
o' questions； Who he'd seed An' what he'd done。 Once in a while he'd nod
or shake； But most o' th' time he didn't do nothin'。 'Twas gittin' dark then；
An' I was in a state； With the loneliness An' Ed payin' no attention Like
somethin' warn't livin'。 All of a sudden it come； I don't know what； But I
jest couldn't stand no more。 It didn't seem 's though that was Ed； An' it
didn't seem as though I was me。 I had to break a way out somehow；
Somethin' was closin' in An' I was stiflin'。 Ed's loggin' axe was ther； An' I
took it。 Oh； my God！ I can't see nothin' else
