a confession(忏悔录)-第12章

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tormented　by　overwork；　of　an　unreasoning　child；　of　a　wise　old　man；

of　a　half…witted　old　woman；　of　a　young　and　happy　wife；　of　a　youth

tormented　by　passions；　of　all　people　in　the　most　varied　conditions

of　life　and　education　　if　there　is　one　reply　to　the　one　eternal

question　of　life：　　〃Why　do　I　live　and　what　will　result　from　my

life？〃　　the　reply；　though　one　in　its　essence；　must　be　endlessly

varied　in　its　presentation；　and　the　more　it　is　one；　the　more　true

and　profound　it　is；　the　more　strange　and　deformed　must　it　naturally

appear　in　its　attempted　expression；　conformably　to　the　education

and　position　of　each　person。　　But　this　argument；　justifying　in　my

eyes　the　queerness　of　much　on　the　ritual　side　of　religion；　did　not

suffice　to　allow　me　in　the　one　great　affair　of　life　　religion　

to　do　things　which　seemed　to　me　questionable。　　With　all　my　soul　I

wished　to　be　in　a　position　to　mingle　with　the　people；　fulfilling

the　ritual　side　of　their　religion；　but　I　could　not　do　it。　　I　felt

that　I　should　lie　to　myself　and　mock　at　what　was　sacred　to　me；　were

I　to　do　so。　　At　this　point；　however；　our　new　Russian　theological

writers　came　to　my　rescue。

　　　　　According　to　the　explanation　these　theologians　gave；　the

fundamental　dogma　of　our　faith　is　the　infallibility　of　the　Church。　

From　the　admission　of　that　dogma　follows　inevitably　the　truth　of

all　that　is　professed　by　the　Church。　　The　Church　as　an　assembly　of

true　believers　united　by　love　and　therefore　possessed　of　true

knowledge　became　the　basis　of　my　belief。　　I　told　myself　that　divine

truth　cannot　be　accessible　to　a　separate　individual；　it　is　revealed

only　to　the　whole　assembly　of　people　united　by　love。　　To　attain

truth　one　must　not　separate；　and　in　order　not　to　separate　one　must

love　and　must　endure　things　one　may　not　agree　with。

　　　　　Truth　reveals　itself　to　love；　and　if　you　do　not　submit　to　the

rites　of　the　Church　you　transgress　against　love；　and　by

transgressing　against　love　you　deprive　yourself　of　the　possibility

of　recognizing　the　truth。　　I　did　not　then　see　the　sophistry

contained　in　this　argument。　　I　did　not　see　that　union　in　love　may

give　the　greatest　love；　but　certainly　cannot　give　us　divine　truth

expressed　in　the　definite　words　of　the　Nicene　Creed。　　I　also　did

not　perceive　that　love　cannot　make　a　certain　expression　of　truth　an

obligatory　condition　of　union。　　I　did　not　then　see　these　mistakes

in　the　argument　and　thanks　to　it　was　able　to　accept　and　perform　all

the　rites　of　the　Orthodox　Church　without　understanding　most　of

them。　　I　then　tried　with　all　strength　of　my　soul　to　avoid　all

arguments　and　contradictions；　and　tried　to　explain　as　reasonably　as

possible　the　Church　statements　I　encountered。

　　　　　When　fulfilling　the　rites　of　the　Church　I　humbled　my　reason

and　submitted　to　the　tradition　possessed　by　all　humanity。　　I　united

myself　with　my　forefathers：　the　father；　mother；　and　grandparents　I

loved。　They　and　all　my　predecessors　believed　and　lived；　and　they

produced　me。　　I　united　myself　also　with　the　missions　of　the　common

people　whom　I　respected。　　Moveover；　those　actions　had　nothing　bad

in　themselves　（〃bad〃　I　considered　the　indulgence　of　one's　desires）。　

When　rising　early　for　Church　services　I　knew　I　was　doing　well；　if

only　because　I　was　sacrificing　my　bodily　ease　to　humble　my　mental

pride；　for　the　sake　of　union　with　my　ancestors　and　contemporaries；

and　for　the　sake　of　finding　the　meaning　of　life。　　It　was　the　same

with　my　preparations　to　receive　Communion；　and　with　the　daily

reading　of　prayers　with　genuflections；　and　also　with　the　observance

of　all　the　fasts。　　However　insignificant　these　sacrifices　might　be

I　made　them　for　the　sake　of　something　good。　　I　fasted；　prepared　for

Communion；　and　observed　the　fixed　hours　of　prayer　at　home　and　in

church。　　During　Church　service　I　attended　to　every　word；　and　gave

them　a　meaning　whenever　I　could。　　In　the　Mass　the　most　important

words　for　me　were：　〃Let　us　love　one　another　in　conformity！〃　　The

further　words；　〃In　unity　we　believe　in　the　Father；　the　Son；　and

Holy　Ghost〃；　I　passed　by；　because　I　could　not　understand　them。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XIV



　　　　　In　was　then　so　necessary　for　me　to　believe　in　order　to　live

that　I　unconsciously　concealed　from　myself　the　contradictions　and

obscurities　of　theology。　　but　this　reading　of　meanings　into　the

rites　had　its　limits。　　If　the　chief　words　in　the　prayer　for　the

Emperor　became　more　and　more　clear　to　me；　if　I　found　some

explanation　for　the　words　〃and　remembering　our　Sovereign　Most…Holy

Mother　of　God　and　all　the　Saints；　ourselves　and　one　another；　we

give　our　whole　life　to　Christ　our　God〃；　if　I　explained　to　myself

the　frequent　repetition　of　prayers　for　the　Tsar　and　his　relations

by　the　fact　that　they　are　more　exposed　to　temptations　than　other

people　and　therefore　are　more　in　need　of　being　prayed　for　　the

prayers　about　subduing　our　enemies　and　evil　under　our　feet　（even　if

one　tried　to　say　that　*sin*　was　the　enemy　prayed　against）；　these

and　other　prayers；　such　as　the　〃cherubic　song〃　and　the　whole

sacrament　of　oblation；　or　〃the　chosen　Warriors〃；　etc。　　quite　two…

thirds　of　all　the　services　　either　remained　completely

incomprehensible　or；　when　I　forced　an　explanation　into　them；　made

me　feel　that　I　was　lying；　thereby　quite　destroying　my　relation　to

God　and　depriving　me　of　all　possibility　of　belief。

　　　　　I　felt　the　same　about　the　celebration　of　the　chief　holidays。　

To　remember　the　Sabbath；　that　is　to　devote　one　day　to　God；　was

something　I　could　understand。　　But　the　chief　holiday　was　in

commemoration　of　the　Resurrection；　the　reality　of　which　I　could　not

picture　to　myself　or　understand。　　And　that　name　of　〃Resurrection〃

was　also　given　the　weekly　holiday。　　　＇Footnote：　In　Russia　Sunday

was　called　Resurrection…day。　　A。　M。＇　　And　on　those　days　the

Sacrament　of　the　Eucharist　was　administered；　which　was　quite

unintelligible　to　me。　　The　rest　of　the　twelve　great　holidays；

except　Christmas；　commemorated　miracles　　the　things　I　tried　not

to　think　about　in　order　not　to　deny：　the　Ascension；　Pentecost；

Epiphany；　the　Feast　of　the　Intercession　of　the　Holy　Virgin；　etc。　

At　the　celebration　of　these　holidays；　feeling　that　importance　was

being　attributed　to　the　very　things　that　to　me　presented　a　negative

importance；　I　either　devised　tranquillizing　explanations　or　shut　my

eyes　in　order　not　to　see　what　tempted　me。

　　　　　Most　of　all　this　happened　to　me　when　taking　part　in　the　most

usual　Sacraments；　which　are　considered　the　most　important：　baptism

and　communion。　　There　I　encountered　not　incomprehensible　but　fully

comprehensible　doings：　doings　which　seemed　to　me　to　lead　into

temptation；　and　I　was　in　a　dilemma　　whether　to　lie　or　to　reject

them。

　　　　　Never　shall　I　forge　the　painful　feeling　I　experienced　the　day

I　received　the　Eucharist　for　the　first　time　after　many　years。　　The

service；　confession；　and　prayers　were　quite　intelligible　and

produced　in　me　a　glad　consciousness　that　the　meaning　of　life　was

being　revealed　to　me。　　The　Communion　itself　I　explained　as　an　act

performed　in　remembrance　of　Christ；　and　indicating　a　purification

from　sin　and　the　full　acceptance　of　Christ's　teaching。　　If　that

explanation　was　artificial　I　did　not　notice　its　artificiality：　so

happy　was　I　at　humbling　and　abasing　myself　before　the　priest　　a

simple；　timid　country　clergyman　　turning　all　the　dirt　out　of　my

soul　and　confessing　my　vices；　so　glad　was　I　to　merge　in　thought

with　the　humility　of　the　fathers　who　wrote　the　prayers　of　the

office；　so　glad　was　I　of　union　with　all　who　have　believed　and　now

believe；　that　I　did　not　notice　the　artificiality　of　my　explanation。　

But　when　I　approached　the　altar　gates；　and　the　priest　made　me　say

that　I　believed　that　what　I　was　about　to　swallow　was　truly　flesh

and　blood；　I　felt　a　pain　in　my　heart：　it　was　not　merely　a　false

note；　it　was　a　cruel　demand　made　by　someone　or　other　who　evidently

had　never　known　what　faith　is。

　　　　　I　now　permit　myself　to　say　that　it　was　a　cruel　demand；　but　I

did　not　then　think　so：　only　it　was　indescribably　painful　to　me。　　I

was　no　longer　in　the　position　in　which　I　had　been　in　youth　when　I

thought　all　in　life　was　clear；　I　had　indeed　come　to　faith　because；

apart　from　faith；　I　had　found　nothing；　certainly　nothing；　except

destruction；　therefore　to　throw　away　that　faith　was　impossible　and

I　submitted。　　And　I　found　in　my　soul　a　feeling　which　helped　me　to

endure　it。　　This　was　the　feeling　of　self…abasement　and　humility。　

I　humbled　myself；　swallowed　that　flesh　and　blood　without　any

blasphemous　feelings　and　with　a　wish　to　believe。　　But　the　blow　had

been　struck　and；　knowing　what　awaited　me；　I　could　not　go　a　second

time。

　　　　　I　continued　to　fulfil　the　rites　of　the　Church　and　still

believed　that　the　doctrine　I　was　following　contained　the　truth；

when　something　happened　to　me　which　I　now　understand　but　which　then

seemed　strange。

　　　　　I　was　listening　to　the　conversation　of　an　illiterate　peasant；

a　pilgrim；　about　God；　faith；　life；　and　salvation；　when　a　knowledge

of　faith　revealed　itself　to　me。　　I　drew　near　to　the　people；

listening　to　their　opinions　of　life　and　faith；　and　I　understood　the

truth　more　and　more。　　So　also　was　it　when　I　read　the　Lives　of　Holy

men；　which　became　my　favourite　books。　　Putting　aside　the　miracles

and　regarding　them　as　fables　illustrating　thoughts；　this　reading

revealed　to　me　life's　meaning。　　There　were　the　lives　of　Makarius

the　Great；　the　story　of　Buddha；　there　were　the　words　of　St。　John

Chrysostom；　and　there　were　the　stories　of　the　traveller　in　the

well；　the　monk　who　found　some　gold；　and　of　Peter　the　publican。　

There　were　stories　of　the　martyrs；　all　announcing　that　death　does

not　exclude　life；　and　there　were　the　stories　of　ignorant；　stupid

men；　who　knew　nothing　of　the　teaching　of　the　Church　but　who　yet

were　saves。

　　　　　But　as　soon　as　I　met　learned　believers　or　took　up　their　books；

doubt　of　myself；　dissatisfaction；　and　exasperated　disputation　were

roused　within　me；　and　I　felt　that　the　more　I　entered　into　the

meaning　of　these　men's　speech；　the　more　I　went　astray　from　truth

and　approached　an　abyss。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XV



　　　　　How　often　I　envied　the　peasants　their　illiteracy　and　lack　of

learning！　　Those　statements　in　the　creeds　which　to　me　were　evident

absurdities；　for　them　contained　nothing　false；　they　could　accept

them　and　could　believe　in　the　truth　　the　truth　I　believed　in。　

Only　to　me；　unhappy　man；　was　it　clear　that　with　truth　falsehood　was

interwoven　by　finest　threads；　and　that　I　could　not　accept　it　in

that　form。

　　　　　So　I　lived　for　about　three　years。　　At　first；　when　I　was　only

slightly　associated　with　truth　as　a　catechumen　and　was　only

scenting　out　what　seemed　to　me　clearest；　these　encounters　struck　me

less。　　When　I　did　not　understand　anything；　I　said；　〃It　is　my　fault；

I　am　sinful〃；　　but　the　more　I　became　imbued　with　the　truths　I　was

learning；　the　more　they　became　the　basis　of　my　life；　the　mo