a confession(忏悔录)-第4章

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do　not　think　about　it；　but　live；〃　I　can　no　longer　do　it：　I　have

already　done　it　too　long。　　I　cannot　now　help　seeing　day　and　night

going　round　and　bringing　me　to　death。　　That　is　all　I　see；　for　that

alone　is　true。　　All　else　is　false。

　　　　　The　two　drops　of　honey　which　diverted　my　eyes　from　the　cruel

truth　longer　than　the　rest：　my　love　of　family；　and　of　writing　

art　as　I　called　it　　were　no　longer　sweet　to　me。

　　　　　〃Family〃。。。said　I　to　myself。　　But　my　family　　wife　and

children　　are　also　human。　　They　are　placed　just　as　I　am：　they

must　either　live　in　a　lie　or　see　the　terrible　truth。　　Why　should

they　live？　　Why　should　I　love　them；　guard　them；　bring　them　up；　or

watch　them？　　That　they　may　come　to　the　despair　that　I　feel；　or　else

be　stupid？　　Loving　them；　I　cannot　hide　the　truth　from　them：　each

step　in　knowledge　leads　them　to　the　truth。　　And　the　truth　is　death。

　　　　　〃Art；　poetry？〃。。。Under　the　influence　of　success　and　the　praise

of　men；　I　had　long　assured　myself　that　this　was　a　thing　one　could

do　though　death　was　drawing　near　　death　which　destroys　all

things；　including　my　work　and　its　remembrance；　but　soon　I　saw　that

that　too　was　a　fraud。　　It　was　plain　to　me　that　art　is　an　adornment

of　life；　an　allurement　to　life。　　But　life　had　lost　its　attraction

for　me；　so　how　could　I　attract　others？　　As　long　as　I　was　not　living

my　own　life　but　was　borne　on　the　waves　of　some　other　life　　as

long　as　I　believed　that　life　had　a　meaning；　though　one　I　could　not

express　　the　reflection　of　life　in　poetry　and　art　of　all　kinds

afforded　me　pleasure：　　it　was　pleasant　to　look　at　life　in　the

mirror　of　art。　　But　when　I　began　to　seek　the　meaning　of　life　and

felt　the　necessity　of　living　my　own　life；　that　mirror　became　for　me

unnecessary；　superfluous；　ridiculous；　or　painful。　　I　could　no

longer　soothe　myself　with　what　I　now　saw　in　the　mirror；　namely；

that　my　position　was　stupid　and　desperate。　　It　was　all　very　well　to

enjoy　the　sight　when　in　the　depth　of　my　soul　I　believed　that　my

life　had　a　meaning。　　Then　the　play　of　lights　　comic；　tragic；

touching；　beautiful；　and　terrible　　in　life　amused　me。　　No

sweetness　of　honey　could　be　sweet　to　me　when　I　saw　the　dragon　and

saw　the　mice　gnawing　away　my　support。

　　　　　Nor　was　that　all。　　Had　I　simply　understood　that　life　had　no

meaning　I　could　have　borne　it　quietly；　knowing　that　that　was　my

lot。　　But　I　could　not　satisfy　myself　with　that。　　Had　I　been　like　a

man　living　in　a　wood　from　which　he　knows　there　is　no　exit；　I　could

have　lived；　but　I　was　like　one　lost　in　a　wood　who；　horrified　at

having　lost　his　way；　rushes　about　wishing　to　find　the　road。　　He

knows　that　each　step　he　takes　confuses　him　more　and　more；　but　still

he　cannot　help　rushing　about。

　　　　　It　was　indeed　terrible。　　And　to　rid　myself　of　the　terror　I

wished　to　kill　myself。　　I　experienced　terror　at　what　awaited　me　

knew　that　that　terror　was　even　worse　than　the　position　I　was　in；

but　still　I　could　not　patiently　await　the　end。　　However　convincing

the　argument　might　be　that　in　any　case　some　vessel　in　my　heart

would　give　way；　or　something　would　burst　and　all　would　be　over；　I

could　not　patiently　await　that　end。　　The　horror　of　darkness　was　too

great；　and　I　wished　to　free　myself　from　it　as　quickly　as　possible

by　noose　or　bullet。　　that　was　the　feeling　which　drew　me　most

strongly　towards　suicide。

　　　　　





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　V



　　　　　〃But　perhaps　I　have　overlooked　something；　or　misunderstood

something？〃　said　to　myself　several　times。　　〃It　cannot　be　that　this

condition　of　despair　is　natural　to　man！〃　　And　I　sought　for　an

explanation　of　these　problems　in　all　the　branches　of　knowledge

acquired　by　men。　　I　sought　painfully　and　long；　not　from　idle

curiosity　or　listlessly；　but　painfully　and　persistently　day　and

night　　sought　as　a　perishing　man　seeks　for　safety　　and　I　found

nothing。

　　　　　I　sought　in　all　the　sciences；　but　far　from　finding　what　I

wanted；　became　convinced　that　all　who　like　myself　had　sought　in

knowledge　for　the　meaning　of　life　had　found　nothing。　　And　not　only

had　they　found　nothing；　but　they　had　plainly　acknowledged　that　the

very　thing　which　made　me　despair　　namely　the　senselessness　of

life　　is　the　one　indubitable　thing　man　can　know。

　　　　　I　sought　everywhere；　and　thanks　to　a　life　spent　in　learning；

and　thanks　also　to　my　relations　with　the　scholarly　world；　I　had

access　to　scientists　and　scholars　in　all　branches　of　knowledge；　and

they　readily　showed　me　all　their　knowledge；　not　only　in　books　but

also　in　conversation；　so　that　I　had　at　my　disposal　all　that　science

has　to　say　on　this　question　of　life。

　　　　　I　was　long　unable　to　believe　that　it　gives　no　other　reply　to

life's　questions　than　that　which　it　actually　does　give。　　It　long

seemed　to　me；　when　I　saw　the　important　and　serious　air　with　which

science　announces　its　conclusions　which　have　nothing　in　common　with

the　real　questions　of　human　life；　that　there　was　something　I　had

not　understood。　　I　long　was　timid　before　science；　and　it　seemed　to

me　that　the　lack　of　conformity　between　the　answers　and　my　questions

arose　not　by　the　fault　of　science　but　from　my　ignorance；　but　the

matter　was　for　me　not　a　game　or　an　amusement　but　one　of　life　and

death；　and　I　was　involuntarily　brought　to　the　conviction　that　my

questions　were　the　only　legitimate　ones；　forming　the　basis　of　all

knowledge；　and　that　I　with　my　questions　was　not　to　blame；　but

science　if　it　pretends　to　reply　to　those　questions。

　　　　　My　question　　that　which　at　the　age　of　fifty　brought　me　to

the　verge　of　suicide　　was　the　simplest　of　questions；　lying　in　the

soul　of　every　man　from　the　foolish　child　to　the　wisest　elder：　it

was　a　question　without　an　answer　to　which　one　cannot　live；　as　I　had

found　by　experience。　　It　was：　〃What　will　come　of　what　I　am　doing

today　or　shall　do　tomorrow？　　What　will　come　of　my　whole　life？〃

　　　　　Differently　expressed；　the　question　is：　　〃Why　should　I　live；

why　wish　for　anything；　or　do　anything？〃　　It　can　also　be　expressed

thus：　　〃Is　there　any　meaning　in　my　life　that　the　inevitable　death

awaiting　me　does　not　destroy？〃

　　　　　To　this　one　question；　variously　expressed；　I　sought　an　answer

in　science。　　And　I　found　that　in　relation　to　that　question　all

human　knowledge　is　divided　as　it　were　into　tow　opposite　hemispheres

at　the　ends　of　which　are　two　poles：　　the　one　a　negative　and　the

other　a　positive；　but　that　neither　at　the　one　nor　the　other　pole　is

there　an　answer　to　life's　questions。

　　　　　The　one　series　of　sciences　seems　not　to　recognize　the

question；　but　replies　clearly　and　exactly　to　its　own　independent

questions：　that　is　the　series　of　experimental　sciences；　and　at　the

extreme　end　of　it　stands　mathematics。　　The　other　series　of　sciences

recognizes　the　question；　but　does　not　answer　it；　that　is　the　series

of　abstract　sciences；　and　at　the　extreme　end　of　it　stands

metaphysics。

　　　　　From　early　youth　I　had　been　interested　in　the　abstract

sciences；　but　later　the　mathematical　and　natural　sciences　attracted

me；　and　until　I　put　my　question　definitely　to　myself；　until　that

question　had　itself　grown　up　within　me　urgently　demanding　a

decision；　I　contented　myself　with　those　counterfeit　answers　which

science　gives。

　　　　　Now　in　the　experimental　sphere　I　said　to　myself：　〃Everything

develops　and　differentiates　itself；　moving　towards　complexity　and

perfection；　and　there　are　laws　directing　this　movement。　　You　are　a

part　of　the　whole。　　Having　learnt　as　far　as　possible　the　whole；　and

having　learnt　the　law　of　evolution；　you　will　understand　also　your

place　in　the　whole　and　will　know　yourself。〃　　Ashamed　as　I　am　to

confess　it；　there　wa　a　time　when　I　seemed　satisfied　with　that。　　It

was　just　the　time　when　I　was　myself　becoming　more　complex　and　was

developing。　My　muscles　were　growing　and　strengthening；　my　memory

was　being　enriched；　my　capacity　to　think　and　understand　was

increasing；　I　was　growing　and　developing；　and　feeling　this　growth

in　myself　it　was　natural　for　me　to　think　that　such　was　the

universal　law　in　which　I　should　find　the　solution　of　the　question

of　my　life。　　But　a　time　came　when　the　growth　within　me　ceased。　　I

felt　that　I　was　not　developing；　but　fading；　my　muscles　were

weakening；　my　teeth　falling　out；　and　I　saw　that　the　law　not　only

did　not　explain　anything　to　me；　but　that　there　never　had　been　or

could　be　such　a　law；　and　that　I　had　taken　for　a　law　what　I　had

found　in　myself　at　a　certain　period　of　my　life。　　I　regarded　the

definition　of　that　law　more　strictly；　and　it　became　clear　to　me

that　there　could　be　no　law　of　endless　development；　it　became　clear

that　to　say；　〃in　infinite　space　and　time　everything　develops；

becomes　more　perfect　and　more　complex；　is　differentiated〃；　is　to

say　nothing　at　all。　　These　are　all　words　with　no　meaning；　for　in

the　infinite　there　is　neither　complex　nor　simple；　neither　forward

nor　backward；　nor　better　or　worse。

　　　　　Above　all；　my　personal　question；　〃What　am　I　with　my　desires？〃

remained　quite　unanswered。　　And　I　understood　that　those　sciences

are　very　interesting　and　attractive；　but　that　they　are　exact　and

clear　in　inverse　proportion　to　their　applicability　to　the　question

of　life：　the　less　their　applicability　to　the　question　of　life；　the

more　exact　and　clear　they　are；　while　the　more　they　try　to　reply　to

the　question　of　life；　the　more　obscure　and　unattractive　they

become。　　If　one　turns　to　the　division　of　sciences　which　attempt　to

reply　to　the　questions　of　life　　to　physiology；　psychology；

biology；　sociology　　one　encounters　an　appalling　poverty　of

thought；　the　greatest　obscurity；　a　quite　unjustifiable　pretension

to　solve　irrelevant　question；　and　a　continual　contradiction　of　each

authority　by　others　and　even　by　himself。　　If　one　turns　to　the

branches　of　science　which　are　not　concerned　with　the　solution　of

the　questions　of　life；　but　which　reply　to　their　own　special

scientific　questions；　one　is　enraptured　by　the　power　of　man's　mind；

but　one　knows　in　advance　that　they　give　no　reply　to　life's

questions。　　Those　sciences　simply　ignore　life's　questions。　　They

say：　　〃To　the　question　of　what　you　are　and　why　you　live　we　have　no

reply；　and　are　not　occupied　with　that；　but　if　you　want　to　know　the

laws　of　light；　of　chemical　combinations；　the　laws　of　development　of

organisms；　if　you　want　to　know　the　laws　of　bodies　and　their　form；

and　the　relation　of　numbers　and　quantities；　if　you　want　to　know　the

laws　of　your　mind；　to　all　that　we　have　clear；　exact　and

unquestionable　replies。〃

　　　　　In　general　the　relation　of　the　experimental　sciences　to　life's

question　may　be　expressed　thus：　　Question：　〃Why　do　I　live？〃　

Answer：　〃In　infinite　space；　in　infinite　time；　infinitely　small

particles　change　their　forms　in　infinite　complexity；　and　when　you

have　under　stood　the　laws　of　those　mutations　of　form　you　will

understand　why　you　live　on　the　earth。〃

　　　　　Then　in　the　sphere　of　abstract　science　I　said　to　myself：　　〃All

humanity　lives　and　develops　on　the　basis　of　spiritual　principles

and　ideals　which　gui