a confession(忏悔录)-第7章

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of　the　terrible　position　in　which　we　are　all　placed。

　　　　　The　first　was　that　of　ignorance。　It　consists　in　not　knowing；

not　understanding；　that　life　is　an　evil　and　an　absurdity。　　People

of　this　sort　　chiefly　women；　or　very　young　or　very　dull　people　

have　not　yet　understood　that　question　of　life　which　presented

itself　to　Schopenhauer；　Solomon；　and　Buddha。　　They　see　neither　the

dragon　that　awaits　them　nor　the　mice　gnawing　the　shrub　by　which

they　are　hanging；　and　they　lick　the　drops　of　honey。　　but　they　lick

those　drops　of　honey　only　for　a　while：　　something　will　turn　their

attention　to　the　dragon　and　the　mice；　and　there　will　be　an　end　to

their　licking。　　From　them　I　had　nothing　to　learn　　one　cannot

cease　to　know　what　one　does　know。

　　　　　The　second　way　out　is　epicureanism。　　It　consists；　while

knowing　the　hopelessness　of　life；　in　making　use　meanwhile　of　the

advantages　one　has；　disregarding　the　dragon　and　the　mice；　and

licking　the　honey　in　the　best　way；　especially　if　there　is　much　of

it　within　reach。　　Solomon　expresses　this　way　out　thus：　　〃Then　I

commended　mirth；　because　a　man　hath　no　better　thing　under　the　sun；

than　to　eat；　and　to　drink；　and　to　be　merry：　and　that　this　should

accompany　him　in　his　labour　the　days　of　his　life；　which　God　giveth

him　under　the　sun。

　　　　　〃Therefore　eat　thy　bread　with　joy　and　drink　thy　wine　with　a

merry　heart。。。。　Live　joyfully　with　the　wife　whom　thou　lovest　all

the　days　of　the　life　of　thy　vanity。。。for　this　is　thy　portion　in

life　and　in　thy　labours　which　thou　takest　under　the　sun。。。。

Whatsoever　thy　hand　findeth　to　do；　do　it　with　thy　might；　for　there

is　not　work；　nor　device；　nor　knowledge；　nor　wisdom；　in　the　grave；

whither　thou　goest。〃

　　　　　That　is　the　way　in　which　the　majority　of　people　of　our　circle

make　life　possible　for　themselves。　　Their　circumstances　furnish

them　with　more　of　welfare　than　of　hardship；　and　their　moral

dullness　makes　it　possible　for　them　to　forget　that　the　advantage　of

their　position　is　accidental；　and　that　not　everyone　can　have　a

thousand　wives　and　palaces　like　Solomon；　that　for　everyone　who　has

a　thousand　wives　there　are　a　thousand　without　a　wife；　and　that　for

each　palace　there　are　a　thousand　people　who　have　to　build　it　in　the

sweat　of　their　brows；　and　that　the　accident　that　has　today　made　me

a　Solomon　may　tomorrow　make　me　a　Solomon's　slave。　　The　dullness　of

these　people's　imagination　enables　them　to　forget　the　things　that

gave　Buddha　no　peace　　the　inevitability　of　sickness；　old　age；　and

death；　which　today　or　tomorrow　will　destroy　all　these　pleasures。

　　　　　So　think　and　feel　the　majority　of　people　of　our　day　and　our

manner　of　life。　　The　fact　that　some　of　these　people　declare　the

dullness　of　their　thoughts　and　imaginations　to　be　a　philosophy；

which　they　call　Positive；　does　not　remove　them；　in　my　opinion；　from

the　ranks　of　those　who；　to　avoid　seeing　the　question；　lick　the

honey。　　I　could　not　imitate　these　people；　not　having　their　dullness

of　imagination　I　could　not　artificially　produce　it　in　myself。　　I

could　not　tear　my　eyes　from　the　mice　and　the　dragon；　as　no　vital

man　can　after　he　has　once　seen　them。

　　　　　The　third　escape　is　that　of　strength　and　energy。　　It　consists

in　destroying　life；　when　one　has　understood　that　it　is　an　evil　and

an　absurdity。　　A　few　exceptionally　strong　and　consistent　people　act

so。　　Having　understood　the　stupidity　of　the　joke　that　has　been

played　on　them；　and　having　understood　that　it　is　better　to　be　dead

than　to　be　alive；　and　that　it　is　best　of　all　not　to　exist；　they　act

accordingly　and　promptly　end　this　stupid　joke；　since　there　are

means：　　a　rope　round　one's　neck；　water；　a　knife　to　stick　into　one's

heart；　or　the　trains　on　the　railways；　and　the　number　of　those　of

our　circle　who　act　in　this　way　becomes　greater　and　greater；　and　for

the　most　part　they　act　so　at　the　best　time　of　their　life；　when　the

strength　of　their　mind　is　in　full　bloom　and　few　habits　degrading　to

the　mind　have　as　yet　been　acquired。

　　　　　I　saw　that　this　was　the　worthiest　way　of　escape　and　I　wished

to　adopt　it。

　　　　　The　fourth　way　out　is　that　of　weakness。　　It　consists　in　seeing

the　truth　of　the　situation　and　yet　clinging　to　life；　knowing　in

advance　that　nothing　can　come　of　it。　　People　of　this　kind　know　that

death　is　better　than　life；　but　not　having　the　strength　to　act

rationally　　to　end　the　deception　quickly　and　kill　themselves　

they　seem　to　wait　for　something。　　This　is　the　escape　of　weakness；

for　if　I　know　what　is　best　and　it　is　within　my　power；　why　not　yield

to　what　is　best？　。。。　I　found　myself　in　that　category。

　　　　　So　people　of　my　class　evade　the　terrible　contradiction　in　four

ways。　　Strain　my　attention　as　I　would；　I　saw　no　way　except　those

four。　　One　way　was　not　to　understand　that　life　is　senseless；

vanity；　and　an　evil；　and　that　it　is　better　not　to　live。　　I　could

not　help　knowing　this；　and　when　I　once　knew　it　could　not　shut　my

eyes　to　it。　　the　second　way　was　to　use　life　such　as　it　is　without

thinking　of　the　future。　　And　I　could　not　do　that。　　I；　like　Sakya

Muni；　could　not　ride　out　hunting　when　I　knew　that　old　age；

suffering；　and　death　exist。　　My　imagination　was　too　vivid。　　Nor

could　I　rejoice　in　the　momentary　accidents　that　for　an　instant

threw　pleasure　to　my　lot。　　The　third　way；　having　under　stood　that

life　is　evil　and　stupid；　was　to　end　it　by　killing　oneself。　　I

understood　that；　but　somehow　still　did　not　kill　myself。　　The　fourth

way　was　to　live　like　Solomon　and　Schopenhauer　　knowing　that　life

is　a　stupid　joke　played　upon　us；　and　still　to　go　on　living；　washing

oneself；　dressing；　dining；　talking；　and　even　writing　books。　　This

was　to　me　repulsive　and　tormenting；　but　I　remained　in　that

position。

　　　　　I　see　now　that　if　I　did　not　kill　myself　it　was　due　to　some　dim

consciousness　of　the　invalidity　of　my　thoughts。　　However　convincing

and　indubitable　appeared　to　me　the　sequence　of　my　thoughts　and　of

those　of　the　wise　that　have　brought　us　to　the　admission　of　the

senselessness　of　life；　there　remained　in　me　a　vague　doubt　of　the

justice　of　my　conclusion。

　　　　　It　was　like　this：　　I；　my　reason；　have　acknowledged　that　life

is　senseless。　　If　there　is　nothing　higher　than　reason　（and　there　is

not：　nothing　can　prove　that　there　is）；　then　reason　is　the　creator

of　life　for　me。　　If　reason　did　not　exist　there　would　be　for　me　no

life。　　How　can　reason　deny　life　when　it　is　the　creator　of　life？　　Or

to　put　it　the　other　way：　were　there　no　life；　my　reason　would　not

exist；　therefore　reason　is　life's　son。　　Life　is　all。　　Reason　is　its

fruit　yet　reason　rejects　life　itself！　　I　felt　that　there　was

something　wrong　here。

　　　　　Life　is　a　senseless　evil；　that　is　certain；　said　I　to　myself。　

Yet　I　have　lived　and　am　still　living；　and　all　mankind　lived　and

lives。　　How　is　that？　　Why　does　it　live；　when　it　is　possible　not　to

live？　　Is　it　that　only　I　and　Schopenhauer　are　wise　enough　to

understand　the　senselessness　and　evil　of　life？

　　　　　The　reasoning　showing　the　vanity　of　life　is　not　so　difficult；

and　has　long　been　familiar　to　the　very　simplest　folk；　yet　they　have

lived　and　still　live。　　How　is　it　they　all　live　and　never　think　of

doubting　the　reasonableness　of　life？

　　　　　My　knowledge；　confirmed　by　the　wisdom　of　the　sages；　has　shown

me　that　everything　on　earth　　organic　and　inorganic　　is　all　most

cleverly　arranged　　only　my　own　position　is　stupid。　　and　those

fools　　the　enormous　masses　of　people　　know　nothing　about　how

everything　organic　and　inorganic　in　the　world　is　arranged；　but　they

live；　and　it　seems　to　them　that　their　life　is　very　wisely　arranged！

。。。

　　　　　And　it　struck　me：　　〃But　what　if　there　is　something　I　do　not

yet　know？　　Ignorance　behaves　just　in　that　way。　　Ignorance　always

says　just　what　I　am　saying。　　When　it　does　not　know　something；　it

says　that　what　it　does　not　know　is　stupid。　　Indeed；　it　appears　that

there　is　a　whole　humanity　that　lived　and　lives　as　if　it　understood

the　meaning　of　its　life；　for　without　understanding　it　could　not

live；　but　I　say　that　all　this　life　is　senseless　and　that　I　cannot

live。

　　　　　〃Nothing　prevents　our　denying　life　by　suicide。　　well　then；

kill　yourself；　and　you　won't　discuss。　　If　life　displeases　you；　kill

yourself！　　You　live；　and　cannot　understand　the　meaning　of　life　

then　finish　it；　and　do　not　fool　about　in　life；　saying　and　writing

that　you　do　not　understand　it。　　You　have　come　into　good　company

where　people　are　contented　and　know　what　they　are　doing；　if　you

find　it　dull　and　repulsive　　go　away！〃

　　　　　Indeed；　what　are　we　who　are　convinced　of　the　necessity　of

suicide　yet　do　not　decide　to　commit　it；　but　the　weakest；　most

inconsistent；　and　to　put　it　plainly；　the　stupidest　of　men；　fussing

about　with　our　own　stupidity　as　a　fool　fusses　about　with　a　painted

hussy？　　For　our　wisdom；　however　indubitable　it　may　be；　has　not

given　us　the　knowledge　of　the　meaning　of　our　life。　　But　all　mankind

who　sustain　life　　millions　of　them　　do　not　doubt　the　meaning　of

life。

　　　　　Indeed；　from　the　most　distant　time　of　which　I　know　anything；

when　life　began；　people　have　lived　knowing　the　argument　about　the

vanity　of　life　which　has　shown　me　its　senselessness；　and　yet　they

lived　attributing　some　meaning　to　it。

　　　　　From　the　time　when　any　life　began　among　men　they　had　that

meaning　of　life；　and　they　led　that　life　which　has　descended　to　me。　

All　that　is　in　me　and　around　me；　all；　corporeal　and　incorporeal；　is

the　fruit　of　their　knowledge　of　life。　　Those　very　instruments　of

thought　with　which　I　consider　this　life　and　condemn　it　were　all

devised　not　be　me　but　by　them。　　I　myself　was　born；　taught；　and

brought　up　thanks　to　them。　　They　dug　out　the　iron；　taught　us　to　cut

down　the　forests；　tamed　the　cows　and　horses；　taught　us　to　sow　corn

and　to　live　together；　organized　our　life；　and　taught　me　to　think

and　speak。　　And　I；　their　product；　fed；　supplied　with　drink；　taught

by　them；　thinking　with　their　thoughts　and　words；　have　argued　that

they　are　an　absurdity！　　〃There　is　something　wrong；〃　said　I　to

myself。　　〃I　have　blundered　somewhere。〃　　But　it　was　a　long　time

before　I　could　find　out　where　the　mistake　was。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
VIII



　　　　　All　these　doubts；　which　I　am　now　able　to　express　more　or　less

systematically；　I　could　not　then　have　expressed。　　I　then　only　felt

that　however　logically　inevitable　were　my　conclusions　concerning

the　vanity　of　life；　confirmed　as　they　were　by　the　greatest

thinkers；　there　was　something　not　right　about　them。　　Whether　it　was

in　the　reasoning　itself　or　in　the　statement　of　the　question　I　did

not　know　　I　only　felt　that　the　conclusion　was　rationally

convincing；　but　that　that　was　insufficient。　　All　these　conclusions

could　not　so　convince　me　as　to　make　me　do　what　followed　from　my

reasoning；　that　is　to　say；　kill　myself。　　And　I　should　have　told　an

untruth　had　I；　without　killing　myself；　said　that　reason　had　brought

me　to　the　point　I　had　reached。　　Reason　worked；　but　something　else

was　also　working　which　I　can　only　call　a　consciou