a confession(忏悔录)-第8章

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me　to　the　point　I　had　reached。　　Reason　worked；　but　something　else

was　also　working　which　I　can　only　call　a　consciousness　of　life。　　A

force　was　working　which　compelled　me　to　turn　my　attention　to　this

and　not　to　that；　and　it　was　this　force　which　extricated　me　from　my

desperate　situation　and　turned　my　mind　in　quite　another　direction。　

This　force　compelled　me　to　turn　my　attention　to　the　fact　that　I　and

a　few　hundred　similar　people　are　not　the　whole　of　mankind；　and　that

I　did　not　yet　know　the　life　of　mankind。

　　　　　Looking　at　the　narrow　circle　of　my　equals；　I　saw　only　people

who　had　not　understood　the　question；　or　who　had　understood　it　and

drowned　it　in　life's　intoxication；　or　had　understood　it　and　ended

their　lives；　or　had　understood　it　and　yet　from　weakness　were　living

out　their　desperate　life。　　And　I　saw　no　others。　　It　seemed　to　me

that　that　narrow　circle　of　rich；　learned；　and　leisured　people　to

which　I　belonged　formed　the　whole　of　humanity；　and　that　those

milliards　of　others　who　have　lived　and　are　living　were　cattle　of

some　sort　　not　real　people。

　　　　　Strange；　incredibly　incomprehensible　as　it　now　seems　to　me

that　I　could；　while　reasoning　about　life；　overlook　the　whole　life

of　mankind　that　surrounded　me　on　all　sides；　that　I　could　to　such　a

degree　blunder　so　absurdly　as　to　think　that　my　life；　and　Solomon's

and　Schopenhauer's；　is　the　real；　normal　life；　and　that　the　life　of

the　milliards　is　a　circumstance　undeserving　of　attention　　strange

as　this　now　is　to　me；　I　see　that　so　it　was。　　In　the　delusion　of　my

pride　of　intellect　it　seemed　to　me　so　indubitable　that　I　and

Solomon　and　Schopenhauer　had　stated　the　question　so　truly　and

exactly　that　nothing　else　was　possible　　so　indubitable　did　it

seem　that　all　those　milliards　consisted　of　men　who　had　not　yet

arrived　at　an　apprehension　of　all　the　profundity　of　the　question　

that　I　sought　for　the　meaning　of　my　life　without　it　once　occurring

to　me　to　ask：　　〃But　what　meaning　is　and　has　been　given　to　their

lives　by　all　the　milliards　of　common　folk　who　live　and　have　lived

in　the　world？〃

　　　　　I　long　lived　in　this　state　of　lunacy；　which；　in　fact　if　not　in

words；　is　particularly　characteristic　of　us　very　liberal　and

learned　people。　　But　thanks　either　to　the　strange　physical

affection　I　have　for　the　real　labouring　people；　which　compelled　me

to　understand　them　and　to　see　that　they　are　not　so　stupid　as　we

suppose；　or　thanks　to　the　sincerity　of　my　conviction　that　I　could

know　nothing　beyond　the　fact　that　the　best　I　could　do　was　to　hang

myself；　at　any　rate　I　instinctively　felt　that　if　I　wished　to　live

and　understand　the　meaning　of　life；　I　must　seek　this　meaning　not

among　those　who　have　lost　it　and　wish　to　kill　themselves；　but　among

those　milliards　of　the　past　and　the　present　who　make　life　and　who

support　the　burden　of　their　own　lives　and　of　ours　also。　　And　I

considered　the　enormous　masses　of　those　simple；　unlearned；　and　poor

people　who　have　lived　and　are　living　and　I　saw　something　quite

different。　　I　saw　that；　with　rare　exceptions；　all　those　milliards

who　have　lived　and　are　living　do　not　fit　into　my　divisions；　and

that　I　could　not　class　them　as　not　understanding　the　question；　for

they　themselves　state　it　and　reply　to　it　with　extraordinary

clearness。　　Nor　could　I　consider　them　epicureans；　for　their　life

consists　more　of　privations　and　sufferings　than　of　enjoyments。　

Still　less　could　I　consider　them　as　irrationally　dragging　on　a

meaningless　existence；　for　every　act　of　their　life；　as　well　as

death　itself；　is　explained　by　them。　　To　kill　themselves　they

consider　the　greatest　evil。　　It　appeared　that　all　mankind　had　a

knowledge；　unacknowledged　and　despised　by　me；　of　the　meaning　of

life。　　It　appeared　that　reasonable　knowledge　does　not　give　the

meaning　of　life；　but　excludes　life：　while　the　meaning　attributed　to

life　by　milliards　of　people；　by　all　humanity；　rests　on　some

despised　pseudo…knowledge。

　　　　　Rational　knowledge　presented　by　the　learned　and　wise；　denies

the　meaning　of　life；　but　the　enormous　masses　of　men；　the　whole　of

mankind　receive　that　meaning　in　irrational　knowledge。　And　that

irrational　knowledge　is　faith；　that　very　thing　which　I　could　not

but　reject。　　It　is　God；　One　in　Three；　the　creation　in　six　days；　the

devils　and　angels；　and　all　the　rest　that　I　cannot　accept　as　long　as

I　retain　my　reason。

　　　　　My　position　was　terrible。　　I　knew　I　could　find　nothing　along

the　path　of　reasonable　knowledge　except　a　denial　of　life；　and　there

　in　faith　　was　nothing　but　a　denial　of　reason；　which　was　yet

more　impossible　for　me　than　a　denial　of　life。　　From　rational

knowledge　it　appeared　that　life　is　an　evil；　people　know　this　and　it

is　in　their　power　to　end　life；　yet　they　lived　and　still　live；　and

I　myself　live；　though　I　have　long　known　that　life　is　senseless　and

an　evil。　　By　faith　it　appears　that　in　order　to　understand　the

meaning　of　life　I　must　renounce　my　reason；　the　very　thing　for　which

alone　a　meaning　is　required。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　IX



　　　　　A　contradiction　arose　from　which　there　were　two　exits。　　Either

that　which　I　called　reason　was　not　so　rational　as　I　supposed；　or

that　which　seemed　to　me　irrational　was　not　so　irrational　as　I

supposed。　　And　I　began　to　verify　the　line　of　argument　of　my

rational　knowledge。

　　　　　Verifying　the　line　of　argument　of　rational　knowledge　I　found

it　quite　correct。　　The　conclusion　that　life　is　nothing　was

inevitable；　but　I　noticed　a　mistake。　　The　mistake　lay　in　this；　that

my　reasoning　was　not　in　accord　with　the　question　I　had　put。　　The

question　was：　　〃Why　should　I　live；　that　is　to　say；　what　real；

permanent　result　will　come　out　of　my　illusory　transitory　life　

what　meaning　has　my　finite　existence　in　this　infinite　world？〃　　And

to　reply　to　that　question　I　had　studied　life。

　　　　　The　solution　of　all　the　possible　questions　of　life　could

evidently　not　satisfy　me；　for　my　question；　simple　as　it　at　first

appeared；　included　a　demand　for　an　explanation　of　the　finite　in

terms　of　the　infinite；　and　vice　versa。

　　　　　I　asked：　〃What　is　the　meaning　of　my　life；　beyond　time；　cause；

and　space？〃　　And　I　replied　to　quite　another　question：　　〃What　is　the

meaning　of　　my　life　within　time；　cause；　and　space？〃　　With　the

result　that；　after　long　efforts　of　thought；　the　answer　I　reached

was：　〃None。〃

　　　　　In　my　reasonings　I　constantly　compared　（nor　could　I　do

otherwise）　the　finite　with　the　finite；　and　the　infinite　with　the

infinite；　but　for　that　reason　I　reached　the　inevitable　result：　

force　is　force；　matter　is　matter；　will　is　will；　the　infinite　is　the

infinite；　nothing　is　nothing　　and　that　was　all　that　could　result。

　　　　　It　was　something　like　what　happens　in　mathematics；　when

thinking　to　solve　an　equation；　we　find　we　are　working　on　an

identity。　　the　line　of　reasoning　is　correct；　but　results　in　the

answer　that　a　equals　a；　or　x　equals　x；　or　o　equals　o。　　the　same

thing　happened　with　my　reasoning　in　relation　to　the　question　of　the

meaning　of　my　life。　　The　replies　given　by　all　science　to　that

question　only　result　in　　identity。

　　　　　And　really；　strictly　scientific　knowledge　　that　knowledge

which　begins；　as　Descartes's　did；　with　complete　doubt　about

everything　　rejects　all　knowledge　admitted　on　faith　and　builds

everything　afresh　on　the　laws　of　reason　and　experience；　and　cannot

give　any　other　reply　to　the　question　of　life　than　that　which　I

obtained：　an　indefinite　reply。　　Only　at　first　had　it　seemed　to　me

that　knowledge　had　given　a　positive　reply　　the　reply　of

Schopenhauer：　that　life　has　no　meaning　and　is　an　evil。　　But　on

examining　the　matter　I　understood　that　the　reply　is　not　positive；

it　was　only　my　feeling　that　so　expressed　it。　　Strictly　expressed；

as　it　is　by　the　Brahmins　and　by　Solomon　and　Schopenhauer；　the　reply

is　merely　indefinite；　or　an　identity：　o　equals　o；　life　is　nothing。　

So　that　philosophic　knowledge　denies　nothing；　but　only　replies　that

the　question　cannot　be　solved　by　it　　that　for　it　the　solution

remains　indefinite。

　　　　　Having　understood　this；　I　understood　that　it　was　not　possible

to　seek　in　rational　knowledge　for　a　reply　to　my　question；　and　that

the　reply　given　by　rational　knowledge　is　a　mere　indication　that　a

reply　can　only　be　obtained　by　a　different　statement　of　the　question

and　only　when　the　relation　of　the　finite　to　the　infinite　is

included　in　the　question。　　And　I　understood　that；　however

irrational　and　distorted　might　be　the　replies　given　by　faith；　they

have　this　advantage；　that　they　introduce　into　every　answer　a

relation　between　the　finite　and　the　infinite；　without　which　there

can　be　no　solution。

　　　　　In　whatever　way　I　stated　the　question；　that　relation　appeared

in　the　answer。　　How　am　I　to　live？　　　According　to　the　law　of　God。　

What　real　result　will　come　of　my　life？　　　　Eternal　torment　or

eternal　bliss。　　What　meaning　has　life　that　death　does　not　destroy？　

　Union　with　the　eternal　God：　heaven。

　　　　　So　that　besides　rational　knowledge；　which　had　seemed　to　me　the

only　knowledge；　I　was　inevitably　brought　to　acknowledge　that　all

live　humanity　has　another　irrational　knowledge　　faith　which　makes

it　possible　to　live。　　Faith　still　remained　to　me　as　irrational　as

it　was　before；　but　I　could　not　but　admit　that　it　alone　gives

mankind　a　reply　to　the　questions　of　life；　and　that　consequently　it

makes　life　possible。　　Reasonable　knowledge　had　brought　me　to

acknowledge　that　life　is　senseless　　my　life　had　come　to　a　halt

and　I　wished　to　destroy　myself。　　Looking　around　on　the　whole　of

mankind　I　saw　that　people　live　and　declare　that　they　know　the

meaning　of　life。　　I　looked　at　myself　　I　had　lived　as　long　as　I

knew　a　meaning　of　life　and　had　made　life　possible。

　　　　　Looking　again　at　people　of　other　lands；　at　my　contemporaries

and　at　their　predecessors；　I　saw　the　same　thing。　　Where　there　is

life；　there　since　man　began　faith　has　made　life　possible　for　him；

and　the　chief　outline　of　that　faith　is　everywhere　and　always

identical。

　　　　　Whatever　the　faith　may　be；　and　whatever　answers　it　may　give；

and　to　whomsoever　it　gives　them；　every　such　answer　gives　to　the

finite　existence　of　man　an　infinite　meaning；　a　meaning　not

destroyed　by　sufferings；　deprivations；　or　death。　　This　means　that

only　in　faith　can　we　find　for　life　a　meaning　and　a　possibility。　

What；　then；　is　this　faith？　　And　I　understood　that　faith　is　not

merely　〃the　evidence　of　things　not　seen〃；　etc。；　and　is　not　a

revelation　（that　defines　only　one　of　the　indications　of　faith；　is

not　the　relation　of　man　to　God　（one　has　first　to　define　faith　and

then　God；　and　not　define　faith　through　God）；　it　not　only　agreement

with　what　has　been　told　one　（as　faith　is　most　usually　supposed　to

be）；　but　faith　is　a　knowledge　of　the　meaning　of　human　life　in

consequence　of　which　man　does　not　destroy　himself　but　lives。　　Faith

is　the　strength　of　life。　　If　a　man　lives　he　believes　in　something。　

If　he　did　not　believe　that　one　must　live　for　something；　he　would

not　live。　　If　he　does　not　see　and　recognize　the