agnes grey(艾格尼丝·格累)-第30章
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companion； after a short pause； resuming something of her usual
cheerfulness。 'The ball at Ashby Park takes place on Tuesday； you know；
and mamma thinks it very likely that Sir Thomas will propose to me then：
such things are often done in the privacy of the ball… room； when
gentlemen are most easily ensnared； and ladies most enchanting。 But if I
am to be married so soon； I must make the best of the present time： I am
determined Hatfield shall not be the only man who shall lay his heart at
my feet； and implore me to accept the worthless gift in vain。'
'If you mean Mr。 Weston to be one of your victims；' said I； with
affected indifference； 'you will have to make such overtures yourself that
you will find it difficult to draw back when he asks you to fulfil the
expectations you have raised。'
'I don't suppose he will ask me to marry him； nor should I desire it：
that would be rather too much presumption！ but I intend him to feel my
power。 He has felt it already； indeed： but he shall ACKNOWLEDGE it
too； and what visionary hopes he may have； he must keep to himself； and
only amuse me with the result of them … for a time。'
'Oh！ that some kind spirit would whisper those words in his ear；' I
inwardly exclaimed。 I was far too indignant to hazard a reply to her
observation aloud； and nothing more was said about Mr。 Weston that day；
by me or in my hearing。 But next morning； soon after breakfast； Miss
Murray came into the schoolroom； where her sister was employed at her
studies； or rather her lessons； for studies they were not； and said； 'Matilda；
I want you to take a walk with me about eleven o'clock。'
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'Oh； I can't； Rosalie！ I have to give orders about my new bridle and
saddle…cloth； and speak to the rat…catcher about his dogs： Miss Grey must
go with you。'
'No； I want you；' said Rosalie； and calling her sister to the window； she
whispered an explanation in her ear； upon which the latter consented to
go。
I remembered that eleven was the hour at which Mr。 Weston proposed
to come to the porter's lodge； and remembering that； I beheld the whole
contrivance。 Accordingly； at dinner； I was entertained with a long
account of how Mr。 Weston had overtaken them as they were walking
along the road； and how they had had a long walk and talk with him； and
really found him quite an agreeable companion； and how he must have
been； and evidently was； delighted with them and their amazing
condescension； &c。 &c。
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CHAPTER XVII … CONFESSIONS
AS I am in the way of confessions I may as well acknowledge that；
about this time； I paid more attention to dress than ever I had done before。
This is not saying much … for hitherto I had been a little neglectful in that
particular； but now； also； it was no uncommon thing to spend as much as
two minutes in the contemplation of my own image in the glass； though I
never could derive any consolation from such a study。 I could discover
no beauty in those marked features； that pale hollow cheek； and ordinary
dark brown hair； there might be intellect in the forehead； there might be
expression in the dark grey eyes； but what of that？ … a low Grecian brow；
and large black eyes devoid of sentiment would be esteemed far preferable。
It is foolish to wish for beauty。 Sensible people never either desire it for
themselves or care about it in others。 If the mind be but well cultivated；
and the heart well disposed； no one ever cares for the exterior。 So said
the teachers of our childhood； and so say we to the children of the present
day。 All very judicious and proper； no doubt； but are such assertions
supported by actual experience？
We are naturally disposed to love what gives us pleasure； and what
more pleasing than a beautiful face … when we know no harm of the
possessor at least？ A little girl loves her bird … Why？ Because it lives
and feels； because it is helpless and harmless？ A toad； likewise； lives and
feels； and is equally helpless and harmless； but though she would not hurt
a toad； she cannot love it like the bird； with its graceful form； soft feathers；
and bright； speaking eyes。 If a woman is fair and amiable； she is praised
for both qualities； but especially the former； by the bulk of mankind： if；
on the other hand； she is disagreeable in person and character； her
plainness is commonly inveighed against as her greatest crime； because； to
common observers； it gives the greatest offence； while； if she is plain and
good； provided she is a person of retired manners and secluded life； no one
ever knows of her goodness； except her immediate connections。 Others；
on the contrary； are disposed to form unfavourable opinions of her mind；
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and disposition； if it be but to excuse themselves for their instinctive
dislike of one so unfavoured by nature； and VISA VERSA with her whose
angel form conceals a vicious heart； or sheds a false； deceitful charm over
defects and foibles that would not be tolerated in another。 They that have
beauty； let them be thankful for it； and make a good use of it； like any
other talent； they that have it not； let them console themselves； and do the
best they can without it： certainly； though liable to be over…estimated； it
is a gift of God； and not to be despised。 Many will feel this who have felt
that they could love； and whose hearts tell them that they are worthy to be
loved again； while yet they are debarred； by the lack of this or some such
seeming trifle； from giving and receiving that happiness they seem almost
made to feel and to impart。 As well might the humble glowworm despise
that power of giving light without which the roving fly might pass her and
repass her a thousand times； and never rest beside her： she might hear
her winged darling buzzing over and around her； he vainly seeking her；
she longing to be found； but with no power to make her presence known；
no voice to call him； no wings to follow his flight； … the fly must seek
another mate； the worm must live and die alone。
Such were some of my reflections about this period。 I might go on
prosing more and more； I might dive much deeper； and disclose other
thoughts； propose questions the reader might be puzzled to answer； and
deduce arguments that might startle his prejudices； or； perhaps； provoke
his ridicule； because he could not comprehend them； but I forbear。
Now； therefore； let us return to Miss Murray。 She accompanied her
mamma to the ball on Tuesday； of course splendidly attired； and delighted
with her prospects and her charms。 As Ashby Park was nearly ten miles
distant from Horton Lodge； they had to set out pretty early； and I intended
to have spent the evening with Nancy Brown； whom I had not seen for a
long time； but my kind pupil took care I should spend it neither there nor
anywhere else beyond the limits of the schoolroom； by giving me a piece
of music to copy； which kept me closely occupied till bed…time。 About
eleven next morning； as soon as she had left her room； she came to tell me
her news。 Sir Thomas had indeed proposed to her at the ball； an event
which reflected great credit on her mamma's sagacity； if not upon her skill
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in contrivance。 I rather incline to the belief that she had first laid her
plans； and then predicted their success。 The offer had been accepted； of
course； and the bridegroom elect was coming that day to settle matters
with Mr。 Murray。
Rosalie was pleased with the thoughts of becoming mistress of Ashby
Park； she was elated with the prospect of the bridal ceremony and its
attendant splendour and eclat； the honeymoon spent abroad； and the
subsequent gaieties she expected to enjoy in London and elsewhere； she
appeared pretty well pleased too； for the time being； with Sir Thomas
himself； because she had so lately seen him； danced with him； and been
flattered by him； but； after all； she seemed to shrink from the idea of being
so soon united： she wished the ceremony to be delayed some months； at
least； and I wished it too。 It seemed a horrible thing to hurry on the
inauspicious match； and not to give the poor creature time to think and
reason on the irrevocable step she was about to take。 I made no
pretension to 'a mother's watchful； anxious care；' but I was amazed and
horrified at Mrs。 Murray's heartlessness； or want of thought for the real
good of her child； and by my unheeded warnings and exhortations； I
vainly strove to remedy the evil。 Miss Murray only laughed at what I
said； and I soon found that her reluctance to an immediate union arose
chiefly from a desire to do what execution she could among the young
gentlemen of her acquaintance； before she was incapacitated from further
mischief of the kind。 It was for this cause that； before confiding to me
the secret of her engagement； she had extracted a promise that I would not
mention a word on the subject to any one。 And when I saw this； and
when I beheld her plunge more recklessly than ever into the depths of
heartless coquetry； I had no more pity for her。 'Come what will；'
