agnes grey(艾格尼丝·格累)-第36章
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'Then you will leave this place shortly？' said he。
'Yes； in a month。'
He paused a minute； as if in thought。 When he spoke again； I hoped
it would be to express his concern at my departure； but it was only to say； …
'I should think you will be willing enough to go？'
'Yes … for some things；' I replied。
'For SOME things only … I wonder what should make you regret it？'
I was annoyed at this in some degree； because it embarrassed me： I
had only one reason for regretting it； and that was a profound secret；
which he had no business to trouble me about。
'Why；' said I … 'why should you suppose that I dislike the place？'
'You told me so yourself；' was the decisive reply。 'You said； at least；
that you could not live contentedly； without a friend； and that you had no
friend here； and no possibility of making one … and； besides； I know you
MUST dislike it。'
'But if you remember rightly； I said； or meant to say； I could not live
contentedly without a friend in the world： I was not so unreasonable as
to require one always near me。 I think I could be happy in a house full of
enemies； if … ' but no； that sentence must not be continued … I paused； and
hastily added； … 'And； besides； we cannot well leave a place where we have
lived for two or three years； without some feeling of regret。'
'Will you regret to part with Miss Murray； your sole remaining pupil
and companion？'
'I dare say I shall in some degree： it was not without sorrow I parted
with her sister。'
'I can imagine that。'
'Well； Miss Matilda is quite as good … better in one respect。'
'What is that？'
'She's honest。'
'And the other is not？'
'I should not call her DIShonest； but it must be confessed she's a little
artful。'
'ARTFUL is she？ … I saw she was giddy and vain … and now；' he added；
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after a pause； 'I can well believe she was artful too； but so excessively so
as to assume an aspect of extreme simplicity and unguarded openness。
Yes；' continued he； musingly； 'that accounts for some little things that
puzzled me a trifle before。'
After that； he turned the conversation to more general subjects。 He did
not leave me till we had nearly reached the park…gates： he had certainly
stepped a little out of his way to accompany me so far； for he now went
back and disappeared down Moss Lane； the entrance of which we had
passed some time before。 Assuredly I did not regret this circumstance：
if sorrow had any place in my heart； it was that he was gone at last … that
he was no longer walking by my side； and that that short interval of
delightful intercourse was at an end。 He had not breathed a word of love；
or dropped one hint of tenderness or affection； and yet I had been
supremely happy。 To be near him； to hear him talk as he did talk； and to
feel that he thought me worthy to be so spoken to … capable of
understanding and duly appreciating such discourse … was enough。
'Yes； Edward Weston； I could indeed be happy in a house full of
enemies； if I had but one friend； who truly； deeply； and faithfully loved me；
and if that friend were you … though we might be far apart … seldom to hear
from each other； still more seldom to meet … though toil； and trouble； and
vexation might surround me； still … it would be too much happiness for me
to dream of！ Yet who can tell；' said I within myself； as I proceeded up
the park； … 'who can tell what this one month may bring forth？ I have
lived nearly three…and…twenty years； and I have suffered much； and tasted
little pleasure yet； is it likely my life all through will be so clouded？ Is it
not possible that God may hear my prayers； disperse these gloomy
shadows； and grant me some beams of heaven's sunshine yet？ Will He
entirely deny to me those blessings which are so freely given to others；
who neither ask them nor acknowledge them when received？ May I not
still hope and trust？ I did hope and trust for a while： but； alas； alas！ the
time ebbed away： one week followed another； and； excepting one distant
glimpse and two transient meetings … during which scarcely anything was
said … while I was walking with Miss Matilda； I saw nothing of him：
except； of course； at church。
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And now； the last Sunday was come； and the last service。 I was often
on the point of melting into tears during the sermon … the last I was to hear
from him： the best I should hear from anyone； I was well assured。 It
was over … the congregation were departing； and I must follow。 I had
then seen him； and heard his voice； too； probably for the last time。 In the
churchyard； Matilda was pounced upon by the two Misses Green。 They
had many inquiries to make about her sister； and I know not what besides。
I only wished they would have done； that we might hasten back to Horton
Lodge： I longed to seek the retirement of my own room； or some
sequestered nook in the grounds； that I might deliver myself up to my
feelings … to weep my last farewell； and lament my false hopes and vain
delusions。 Only this once； and then adieu to fruitless dreaming …
thenceforth； only sober； solid； sad reality should occupy my mind。 But
while I thus resolved； a low voice close beside me said … 'I suppose you are
going this week； Miss Grey？' 'Yes；' I replied。 I was very much startled；
and had I been at all hysterically inclined； I certainly should have
committed myself in some way then。 Thank God； I was not。
'Well；' said Mr。 Weston； 'I want to bid you good…bye … it is not likely I
shall see you again before you go。'
'Good…bye； Mr。 Weston；' I said。 Oh； how I struggled to say it calmly！
I gave him my hand。 He retained it a few seconds in his。
'It is possible we may meet again；' said he； 'will it be of any
consequence to you whether we do or not？'
'Yes； I should be very glad to see you again。'
I COULD say no less。 He kindly pressed my hand； and went。 Now；
I was happy again … though more inclined to burst into tears than ever。 If
I had been forced to speak at that moment； a succession of sobs would
have inevitably ensued； and as it was； I could not keep the water out of my
eyes。 I walked along with Miss Murray； turning aside my face； and
neglecting to notice several successive remarks； till she bawled out that I
was either deaf or stupid； and then （having recovered my self…possession）；
as one awakened from a fit of abstraction； I suddenly looked up and asked
what she had been saying。
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CHAPTER XXI … THE SCHOOL
I LEFT Horton Lodge； and went to join my mother in our new abode
at A…。 I found her well in health； resigned in spirit； and even cheerful；
though subdued and sober； in her general demeanour。 We had only three
boarders and half a dozen day…pupils to commence with； but by due care
and diligence we hoped ere long to increase the number of both。
I set myself with befitting energy to discharge the duties of this new
mode of life。 I call it NEW； for there was； indeed； a considerable
difference between working with my mother in a school of our own； and
working as a hireling among strangers； despised and trampled upon by old
and young； and for the first few weeks I was by no means unhappy。 'It is
possible we may meet again；' and 'will it be of any consequence to you
whether we do or not？' … Those words still rang in my ear and rested on my
heart： they were my secret solace and support。 'I shall see him again。 …
He will come； or he will write。' No promise； in fact； was too bright or
too extravagant for Hope to whisper in my ear。 I did not believe half of
what she told me： I pretended to laugh at it all； but I was far more
credulous than I myself supposed； otherwise； why did my heart leap up
when a knock was heard at the front door； and the maid； who opened it；
came to tell my mother a gentleman wished to see her？ and why was I out
of humour for the rest of the day； because it proved to be a music…master
come to offer his services to our school？ and what stopped my breath for a
moment； when the postman having brought a couple of letters； my mother
said； 'Here； Agnes； this is for you；' and threw one of them to me？ and what
made the hot blood rush into my face when I saw it was directed in a
gentleman's hand？ and why … oh！ why did that cold； sickening sense of
disappointment fall upon me； when I had torn open the cover and found it
was ONLY a letter from Mary； which； for some reason or other； her
husband had directed for her？
Was it then come to this … that I should be DISAPPOINTED to receive
a letter from my only sister： and because it was not written by a
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comparative stranger？ Dear Mary！ and she had written it so kindly … and
thinking I should be so pleased to have it！ … I was not worthy to read it！
And I believe； in my indignation against myself； I should have put it aside
till I had schooled myself into a better frame of mind； and was become
more deserving of the honour and privilege of its perusal： but there was
my mother looking on； and wishful to know what news it contained； so I
read it and delivered it to her； and then went into the schoolroom to
