agnes grey(艾格尼丝·格累)-第40章
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with her in the park。 She asked how long I had been up； and on receiving
my answer； expressed the deepest regret； and again promised to show me
the library。 I suggested she had better do so at once； and then there
would be no further trouble either with remembering or forgetting。 She
complied； on condition that I would not think of reading； or bothering with
the books now； for she wanted to show me the gardens； and take a walk in
the park with me； before it became too hot for enjoyment； which； indeed；
was nearly the case already。 Of course I readily assented； and we took
our walk accordingly。
As we were strolling in the park； talking of what my companion had
seen and heard during her travelling experience； a gentleman on horseback
rode up and passed us。 As he turned； in passing； and stared me full in the
face； I had a good opportunity of seeing what he was like。 He was tall；
thin； and wasted； with a slight stoop in the shoulders； a pale face； but
somewhat blotchy； and disagreeably red about the eyelids； plain features；
and a general appearance of languor and flatness； relieved by a sinister
expression in the mouth and the dull； soulless eyes。
'I detest that man！' whispered Lady Ashby； with bitter emphasis； as he
slowly trotted by。
'Who is it？' I asked； unwilling to suppose that she should so speak of
her husband。
'Sir Thomas Ashby；' she replied； with dreary composure。
'And do you DETEST him； Miss Murray？' said I； for I was too much
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shocked to remember her name at the moment。
'Yes； I do； Miss Grey； and despise him too； and if you knew him you
would not blame me。'
'But you knew what he was before you married him。'
'No； I only thought so： I did not half know him really。 I know you
warned me against it； and I wish I had listened to you： but it's too late to
regret that now。 And besides； mamma ought to have known better than
either of us； and she never said anything against it … quite the contrary。
And then I thought he adored me； and would let me have my own way：
he did pretend to do so at first； but now he does not care a bit about me。
Yet I should not care for that： he might do as he pleased； if I might only
be free to amuse myself and to stay in London； or have a few friends down
here： but HE WILL do as he pleases； and I must be a prisoner and a
slave。 The moment he saw I could enjoy myself without him； and that
others knew my value better than himself； the selfish wretch began to
accuse me of coquetry and extravagance； and to abuse Harry Meltham；
whose shoes he was not worthy to clean。 And then he must needs have
me down in the country； to lead the life of a nun； lest I should dishonour
him or bring him to ruin； as if he had not been ten times worse every way；
with his betting…book； and his gaming… table； and his opera…girls； and his
Lady This and Mrs。 That … yes； and his bottles of wine； and glasses of
brandy…and…water too！ Oh； I would give ten thousand worlds to be Mss
Murray again！ It is TOO bad to feel life； health； and beauty wasting
away； unfelt and unenjoyed； for such a brute as that！' exclaimed she； fairly
bursting into tears in the bitterness of her vexation。
Of course； I pitied her exceedingly； as well for her false idea of
happiness and disregard of duty； as for the wretched partner with whom
her fate was linked。 I said what I could to comfort her； and offered such
counsels as I thought she most required： advising her； first； by gentle
reasoning； by kindness； example； and persuasion； to try to ameliorate her
husband； and then； when she had done all she could； if she still found him
incorrigible； to endeavour to abstract herself from him … to wrap herself up
in her own integrity； and trouble herself as little about him as possible。 I
exhorted her to seek consolation in doing her duty to God and man； to put
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her trust in Heaven； and solace herself with the care and nurture of her
little daughter； assuring her she would be amply rewarded by witnessing
its progress in strength and wisdom； and receiving its genuine affection。
'But I can't devote myself entirely to a child；' said she； 'it may die …
which is not at all improbable。'
'But； with care； many a delicate infant has become a strong man or
woman。'
'But it may grow so intolerably like its father that I shall hate it。'
'That is not likely； it is a little girl； and strongly resembles its mother。'
'No matter； I should like it better if it were a boy … only that its father
will leave it no inheritance that he can possibly squander away。 What
pleasure can I have in seeing a girl grow up to eclipse me； and enjoy those
pleasures that I am for ever debarred from？ But supposing I could be so
generous as to take delight in this； still it is ONLY a child； and I can't
centre all my hopes in a child： that is only one degree better than
devoting oneself to a dog。 And as for all the wisdom and goodness you
have been trying to instil into me … that is all very right and proper； I
daresay； and if I were some twenty years older； I might fructify by it： but
people must enjoy themselves when they are young； and if others won't let
them … why； they must hate them for it！'
'The best way to enjoy yourself is to do what is right and hate nobody。
The end of Religion is not to teach us how to die； but how to live； and the
earlier you become wise and good； the more of happiness you secure。
And now； Lady Ashby； I have one more piece of advice to offer you；
which is； that you will not make an enemy of your mother…in…law。 Don't
get into the way of holding her at arms' length； and regarding her with
jealous distrust。 I never saw her； but I have heard good as well as evil
respecting her； and I imagine that； though cold and haughty in her general
demeanour； and even exacting in her requirements； she has strong
affections for those who can reach them； and； though so blindly attached
to her son； she is not without good principles； or incapable of hearing
reason。 If you would but conciliate her a little； and adopt a friendly； open
manner … and even confide your grievances to her … real grievances； such
as you have a right to complain of … it is my firm belief that she would； in
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time； become your faithful friend； and a comfort and support to you；
instead of the incubus you describe her。' But I fear my advice had little
effect upon the unfortunate young lady； and； finding I could render myself
so little serviceable； my residence at Ashby Park became doubly painful。
But still； I must stay out that day and the following one； as I had promised
to do so： though； resisting all entreaties and inducements to prolong my
visit further； I insisted upon departing the next morning； affirming that my
mother would be lonely without me； and that she impatiently expected my
return。 Nevertheless； it was with a heavy heart that I bade adieu to poor
Lady Ashby； and left her in her princely home。 It was no slight
additional proof of her unhappiness； that she should so cling to the
consolation of my presence； and earnestly desire the company of one
whose general tastes and ideas were so little congenial to her own … whom
she had completely forgotten in her hour of prosperity； and whose
presence would be rather a nuisance than a pleasure； if she could but have
half her heart's desire。
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CHAPTER XXIV … THE SANDS
OUR school was not situated in the heart of the town： on entering A…
from the north…west there is a row of respectable…looking houses； on each
side of the broad； white road； with narrow slips of garden…ground before
them； Venetian blinds to the windows； and a flight of steps leading to each
trim； brass…handled door。 In one of the largest of these habitations dwelt
my mother and I； with such young ladies as our friends and the public
chose to commit to our charge。 Consequently； we were a considerable
distance from the sea； and divided from it by a labyrinth of streets and
houses。 But the sea was my delight； and I would often gladly pierce the
town to obtain the pleasure of a walk beside it； whether with the pupils； or
alone with my mother during the vacations。 It was delightful to me at all
times and seasons； but especially in the wild commotion of a rough sea…
breeze； and in the brilliant freshness of a summer morning。
I awoke early on the third morning after my return from Ashby Park …
the sun was shining through the blind； and I thought how pleasant it would
be to pass through the quiet town and take a solitary ramble on the sands
while half the world was in bed。 I was not long in forming the resolution；
nor slow to act upon it。 Of course I would not disturb my mother； so I
stole noiselessly downstairs； and quietly unfastened the door。 I was
dressed and out； when the church clock struck a quarter to six。 There
was a feeling of freshness and vigour in the very streets； and when I got
free of the town； when my foot was on the sands and my face towards the
broad； bright bay； no language can describe the effect of the deep； clear
azure of the sky and ocean； the bright morning sunshine on the
semicircular barrier of craggy cliffs surmounted
