a face illumined-第47章

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sit　〃like　Patience　on　a　monument；　smiling　at　grief。〃　　It　would　be

her　disposition　rather　to　rush　forward；　and　dash　herself　against　an

adverse　fate；　meeting　it　even　more　than　half　way。　　All　the　influences

of　her　life　had　tended　to　develop　imperiousness；　willfulness；　and

now　her　impulse　was　to　enter　a　protest　against　her　hard　lot　that

was　as　passionate　and　reckless　as　it　was　impotent。



Apart　from　her　supreme　wish　to　fill　Van　Berg　with　regret；　and　awaken

in　him　something　like　respect；　the　thought　of　dragging　on　a　wretched

existence　through　the　indefinite　years　to　come　was　intolerable。　　The

color　had　utterly　faded　out　of　life；　and　left　it　bald　and　repulsive

to　the　last　degree。



Fashionable　dissipation　promised　her　nothing。　　She　had　often　tasted

this；　to　the　utmost　limit　of　propriety；　and　was　well　aware　that

the　gay　whirl　had　nothing　new　to　offer；　unless　she　plunged　into

the　mad　excitement　of　a　life　which　is　as　brief　as　it　is　vile。　　It

was　to　her　credit　that　death　seemed　preferable　to　this。　　It　was

largely　due　to　her　defective　training　and　limited　experience；　that

a　useful；　innocent　life；　even　though　it　promised　to　be　devoid　of

happiness；　was　so　utterly　repulsive　that　she　was　ready　to　throw　it

away　in　impatient　disgust。



As　yet　she　was　incapable　of　Jennie　Burton's　divine　philosophy

of　〃pleasing　not〃　herself。　　he　who　〃gave　his　life　for　others〃　was

but　a　name　at　the　pronunciation　of　which；　in　the　Service；　she　was

accustomed　to　bow　profoundly；　but　to　whom；　in　her　heart；　she　had

never　bowed　or　offered　a　genuine　prayer。　　Religion　seemed　to　her　a

sort　of　fashion　which　differed　with　the　tastes　of　different　people。

She　was　a　practical　atheist。



It　is　a　fearful　thing　to　permit　a　child　to　grow　up　ignorant　of　God；

and　of　the　sacred　principles　of　duty　which　should　be　inwrought　in

the　conscience；　and　enforced　by　the　most　vital　considerations　of

well…being；　both　for　this　world　and　the　world　to　come。



But　Ida　Mayhew　thought　not　of　God　or　duty；　but　only　of　her　thwarted；

unhappy　life；　from　which　she　shrank　weakly　and　selfishly；　assuring

herself　that　she　could　not　and　would　not　endure　it。　　In　her　father

she　saw　only　increasing　humiliation；　in　her　mother；　one　for　whom

she　had　but　little　affection　and　less　respect；　and　who　would　of

necessity　irritate　the　wounds　that　time　might　slowly　heal；　could　she

live　in　an　atmosphere　of　delicate；　unspoken　sympathy；　in　herself；

one　whom　she　now　believed　to　be　so　ignorant　and　faulty　that　the　man

she　loved　had　turned　away　in　disgust　on　finding　her　out。　　If　all

this　were　not　bad　enough；　unforeseen　and　unfortunate　circumstances；

even　more　than　her　own　folly；　had　brought　about　a　humiliation　from

which　she　felt　she　could　never　recover。　　In　her　blind；　desperate

effort　to　hide　her　passion　from　the　man　she　loved；　she　had　made　it

appear　that　she　was　infatuated　with　the　man　she　loathed；　and　who

had　shown　himself　such　a　contemptible　villain　that　her　association

with　him　was　the　scandal　of　the　house。　　If　her　own　mother　and

cousin　could　believe　that　she　was　ready　to　throw　herself　away　for

the　sake　of　such　a　wretch；　what　must　the　people　of　the　hotel　think？

What　kind　of　a　story　would　go　abroad　among　her　acquaintances　in

the　city？　　She　fairly　cringed　and　writhed　at　the　thought　of　it　all。



It　seemed　to　the　tortured　and　morbidly　excited　girl　that　there　was

but　one　way　out　of　her　troubles；　and　dark　and　dreadful　as　was　that

path；　she　thought　it　could　lead　to　nothing　so　painful　as　that　from

which　she　would　escape。



But　after　all；　her　chief　incentive　to　the　fatal　act　was　the　hope

of　securing　Van　Berg's　respect；　and　of　implanting　herself　in　his

heart　as　an　undying　memory；　even　though　a　sad　and　terrible　one。

With　her　ideas　of　the　fitness　of　things　this　would　be　a　strong

temptation　at　best；　but　the　present　conditions　of　her　life；　as　we

have　seen；　so　far　from　restraining；　added　greatly　to　the　temptation。



And；　as　has　been　said；　while　the　act　seemed　a　stern　and　dreadful

alternative　to　worse　evils；　it　was　not　revolting　to　her。　　She　had

seen　so　many　of　her　favorite　heroines　in　fiction　and　actresses　on

the　stage　〃shuffle　off　the　mortal　coil〃　with　the　most　appropriate

expressions　and　in　the　most　becoming　toilets　and　attitudes；　that

her　perverted　and　melodramatic　taste　led　her　to　believe　that　Van

Berg　would　regard　her　crime　as　a　sublime　vindication　of　her　honor。



Her　only　task　now；　therefore；　was　to　frame　a　letter　that　would

best　accomplish　this　end；　and　at　the　same　time　wring　his　soul　with

unavailing　regret。



But　she　was　too　sincere　and　sad　to　write　diffusely　and　vaguely。

After　a　few　moments'　thought　she　rapidly　traced　the　following　lines：





〃Mr。　Van　Berg：



〃You　first　saw　me　at　a　concert；　and　your　judgement　of　me　was　correct；

though　severe。　　Your　eyes　have　since　been　very　cold　and　critical。

I　have　followed　your　exploring　glances；　and　have　found　that　I　am；

indeed；　ignorant　and　imperfectthat　I　was　like　the　worm…eaten　rose

bud　that　you　tossed　contemptuously　down　where　it　would　be　trampled

under　foot。　　Seldom　is　that　unfortunate　little　emblem　of　myself

out　of　my　thoughts。　　If　I　dared　to　appeal　to　God　I　would　say　that

he　knows　that　I　would　have　tried　to　bloom　into　a　better　life；　even

though　imperfectly；　if　some　one　had　only　thought　it　worth　while　to

show　me　how。　　It　is　too　late　now。　　Like　my　counterpart；　that　you

threw　away；　I　shall　soon　be　forgotten　in　the　dust。



〃Although　your　estimate　has　been　so　harsh；　I　will　not　dispute　it。

Circumstances　have　been　against　me　from　the　first；　and　my　own　folly

has　added　whatever　was　wanting　to　confirm　your　unfavorable　opinion。

But　to…day　your　thoughts　wronged　me　cruelly。　　You　have　slain　all

hope　and　self…respect。　　I　do　not　feel　that　I　can　live　after　seeing

an　honorable　man　look　at　me　as　you　looked　this　evening。　　You　believed

me　capable　of　flying　to　he　man　who　attempted　your　lifewho　insulted

and　orphan　girl。　　You　looked　at　me；　not　as　a　lady；　but　an　object

beneath　contempt。　　This　is　a　humiliation　that　I　cannot　and　will

not　survive。　　When　you　know　that　i　have　sought　death　rather　than

the　villain　with　whom　you　are　associating　me；　you　may　think　of　me

more　favorably。　　Possibly　the　memory　of　Ida　Mayhew　may　lead　you；

when　again　you　see　a　worm…eaten　bud；　to　kill　the　destroyer　and　help

the　flower　to　bloom　as　well　as　it　can。　　But　now；　like　my　emblem；

I　have　lost　my　one　chance。





The　night　was　now　far　spent。　　Her　mother；　having　been　refused

admittance；　had　fumed　and　fretted　herself　to　sleep。　　The　house　was

very　still。　　She　opened　her　window　and　looked　out。　　Clouds　obscured

the　stars；　and　it　was　exceedingly　dark。



〃The　long　night　to　which　I'm　going　will　be　darker　still；〃　sighed

the　unhappy　girl。　　〃Well；　I　will　live　one　more　day。　　To…morrow　I

will　go　out　and　sit　in　the　sunlight　once　more。　　I　wish　I　could　go

now；　for　already　I　seem　to　feel　the　chill　of　death。　　Oh；　how　cold

I　shall　be　by　this　time　to…morrow　night！〃



She　shuddered　as　she　closed　the　window。



After　pacing　her　room　a　few　moments；　she　exclaimed；　recklessly；



〃I　must　sleepI　must　get　through　with　the　time　until　I　bring　time

to　an　end；〃　and　she　dropped　a　powerful　opiate　into　a　glass。



Holding　it　up　for　a　moment　with　a　smile　on　her　fair　young　face　that

was　terrible　beyond　words；　she　said　slowly；



〃After　all　it's　only　taking　a　little　more；　and　thenno　waking。〃











Chapter　XXXVII。　　Voices　of　Nature。









Before　retiring；　Ida　had　unfastened　her　door；　so　that　her　mother；

finding　her　sleeping；　might　leave　her　undisturbed　as　late　as　possible

the　following　day；　and　the　sun　was　almost　in　mid…heaven　before　she

began　slowly　to　revive　from　her　lethargy。



But　as　her　stupor　departed　she　became　conscious　of　such　acute

physical　and　mental　suffering　that　she　almost　wished　she　had　carried

out　her　purpose　the　night　before。　　Her　headache　was　equaled　only　by

her　heartache；　and　her　wronged；　overtaxed　nervous　system　was　jangling

with　torturing　discord。　　But　with　the　persistence　of　a　simple　and

positive　nature　she　resolved　to　carry　out　the　tragic　programme　that

she　had　already　arranged。



She　was　glad　to　find　herself　alone。　　Her　mother；　with　her　usual

sagacity；　had　concluded　that　she　would　sleep　off　her　troubles　as

she　often　had　before；　and　so　left　her　to　herself。



The　poor；　lost　child　made　some　pathetic　attempts　to　put　her　little

house　in　order。　　She　destroyed　all　her　letters。　　She　arranged　her

drawers　with　many　sudden　rushes　of　tears　as　various　articles　called

up　memories　of　earlier　and　happier　days。　　Among　other　things　she

came　across　a　little　birthday　present　that　her　father　had　given

her　when　she　was　but　six　years　of　age；　and　she　vividly　recalled

the　happy　child　she　was　that　day。



〃Oh；　that　I　had　died　then！〃　she　sobbed。　　〃What　a　wretched　failure　my

life　has　been！　　Never　was　there　a　fitter　emblem　than　the　imperfect

flower　he　threw　away。　　I　wish　I　could　find　the　poor；　withered；　trampled

thing；　and　that　he　might　find　it　in　my　hand　with　his　letter。〃



She　wrote　a　farewell　to　her　father　that　was　inexpressibly　sad；　in

which　she　humbly　asked　his　forgiveness；　and　entreated　him；　as　her

dying　wish；　to　cease　destroying　himself　with　liquor。



〃But　it　is　of　no　use；〃　she　moaned。　　〃He　has　lost　hope　and　courage

like　myself；　and　one　can't　bear　trouble　for　which　there　is　no

remedy。　　I'm　afraid　my　act　will　only　make　him　do　worse；　but　I　can't

help　it。〃



To　her　mother　she　wrote　merely；　〃Good…by。　　Think　of　me　as　well　as

you　can　till　I　am　forgotten。〃



Her　thoughts　of　her　mother　were　very　bitter；　for　she　felt　that　she

had　been　neglected　as　a　child；　and　permitted　to　grow　up　so　faulty

and　superficial　that　she　repelled　the　man　her　beauty　might　have

aided　her　in　winning；　and　it　was　chiefly　through　her　mother　that

her　last　bitter　and　unendurable　humiliation　had　come。



Mrs。　Mayhew　bustled　in　from　her　drive　with　Stanton；　just　before

dinner；　and　commenced　volubly：



〃Glad　to　see　you　up　and　looking　so　much　better。〃　　（Ida　knew　she

was　almost　ghastly　pale　from　the　effects　of　the　opiate　and　her

distress；　but　she　recognized　her　mother's　tactics。）　　〃Come　now；　go

down　with　me　and　make　a　good　dinner；　then　a　drive　this　afternoon；

to　which　Ik　has　invited　you；　and　you　will　look　like　your　old

beautiful　self。〃



〃I　do　not　wish　to　look　like　my　old　self；〃　said　Ida　coldly。



〃Who　in　the　world　ever　looked　better？〃



〃Every　one　who　had　a　cultivated　mind　and　a　clear　conscience。〃



〃I　declare；　Ida；　you've　changed　so　since　you　came　to　the　country

that　I　can't　understand　you　at　all。〃



〃Do　not　try　to　any　longer；　mother；　for　you　never　will。〃



〃Won't　you　go　down　to　dinner？〃



〃No。〃



〃Why　not？〃



〃I　don't　wish　to；　for　one　thing；　and　I'm　too　ill；　for　another。

Send　me　up　something；　if　it's　not　too　much　trouble。〃



〃I'm　going　to　have　a　doctor　see　you　this　very　afternoon；〃　said　Mrs。

Mayhew；　emphatically；　as　she　le