bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第164章
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husband；—was so painful； that I felt I could no longer guide myself
without his assistance。
When we had retired for the night； and Ada and I had had our
usual talk in our pretty room； I went out at my door again； and
sought my Guardian among his books。 I knew he always read at
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that hour； and as I drew near； I saw the light shining out into the
passage from his reading…lamp。
“May I come in； Guardian？”
“Surely； little woman。 What’s the matter？”
“Nothing is the matter。 I thought I would like to take this quiet
time of saying a word to you about myself。”
He put a chair for me； shut his book； and put it by； and turned
his kind attentive face towards me。 I could not help observing that
it wore that curious expression I had observed in it once before—
on that night when he had said that he was in no trouble which I
could readily understand。
“What concerns you； my dear Esther；” said he； “concerns us all。
You cannot be more ready to speak than I am to hear。”
“I know that； Guardian。 But I have such need of your advice
and support。 O！ you don’t know how much need I have tonight。”
He looked unprepared for my being so earnest； and even a little
alarmed。
“Or how anxious I have been to speak to you；” said I； “ever
since the visitor was here today。”
“The visitor； my dear！ Sir Leicester Dedlock？”
“Yes。”
He folded his arms； and sat looking at me with an air of the
profoundest astonishment； awaiting what I should say next。 I did
not know how to prepare him。
“Why； Esther；” said he； breaking into a smile； “our visitor and
you are the two last persons on earth I should have thought of
connecting together！”
“O yes； Guardian； I know it。 And I too； but a little while ago。”
The smile passed from his face； and he became graver than
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before。 He crossed to the door to see that it was shut （but I had
seen to that）； and resumed his seat before me。
“Guardian；” said I； “do you remember； when we were
overtaken by the thunderstorm； Lady Dedlock’s speaking to you of
her sister？”
“Of course。 Of course I do。”
“And reminding you that she and her sister had differed； had
‘gone their several ways？’“ “Of course。”
“Why did they separate； Guardian？”
His face quite altered as he looked at me。 “My child； what
questions are these！ I never knew。 No one but themselves ever did
know； I believe。 Who could tell what the secrets of those two
handsome and proud women were！ You have seen Lady Dedlock。
If you had ever seen her sister； you would know her to have been
as resolute and haughty as she。”
“O Guardian； I have seen her many and many a time！”
“Seen her？”
He paused a little； biting his lip。 “Then； Esther； when you spoke
to me long ago of Boythorn； and when I told you that he was all
but married once； and that the lady did not die； but died to him；
and that that time had had its influence on his later life—did you
know it all； and know who the lady was？”
“No； Guardian；” I returned； fearful of the light that dimly broke
upon me。 “Nor do I know yet。”
“Lady Dedlock’s sister。”
“And why；” I could scarcely ask him； “why； Guardian； pray tell
me why were they parted？”
“It was her act； and she kept its motives in her inflexible heart。
He afterwards did conjecture （but it was mere conjecture） that
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some injury which her haughty spirit had received in her cause of
quarrel with her sister； had wounded her beyond all reason； but
she wrote him that from the date of that letter she died to him—as
in literal truth she did—and that the resolution was exacted from
her by her knowledge of his proud temper and his strained sense
of honour； which were both her nature too。 In consideration for
those master points in him； and even in consideration for them in
herself； she made the sacrifice； she said； and would live in it and
die in it。 She did both； I fear； certainly he never saw her； never
heard of her from that hour。 Nor did any one。”
“O Guardian； what have I done！” I cried； giving way to my grief；
“what sorrow have I innocently caused！”
“You caused； Esther？”
“Yes； Guardian。 Innocently； but most surely。 That secluded
sister is my first remembrance。”
“No； no！” he cried； starting。
“Yes； Guardian； yes！ And her sister is my mother！”
I would have told him all my mother’s letter； but he would not
hear it then。 He spoke so tenderly and wisely to me； and he put so
plainly before me all I had myself imperfectly thought and hoped
in my better state of mind； that penetrated as I had been with
fervent gratitude towards him through so many years； I believed I
had never loved him so dearly； never thanked him in my heart so
fully； as I did that night。 And when he had taken me to my room
and kissed me at the door； and when at last I lay down to sleep； my
thought was how could I ever be busy enough； how could I ever be
good enough； how in my little way could I ever hope to be forgetful
enough of myself； devoted enough to him； and useful enough to
others； to show him how I blessed and honoured him。
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Chapter 44
The Letter And The Answer
y Guardian called me into his room next morning； and
then I told him what had been left untold on the
M
previous night。 There was nothing to be done； he said；
but to keep the secret； and to avoid another such encounter as that
of yesterday。 He understood my feeling； and entirely shared it。 He
charged himself even with restraining Mr Skimpole from
improving his opportunity。 One person whom he need not name to
me； it was not now possible for him to advise or help。 He wished it
were； but no such thing could be。 If her mistrust of the lawyer
whom she had mentioned were well…founded； which he scarcely
doubted； he dreaded discovery。 He knew something of him； both
by sight and by reputation； and it was certain that he was a
dangerous man。 Whatever happened； he repeatedly impressed
upon me with anxious affection and kindness； I was as innocent of
as himself； and as unable to influence。
“Nor do I understand；” said he； “that any doubts tend towards
you； my dear。 Much suspicion may exist without that connection。”
“With the lawyer；” I returned。 “But two other persons have
come into my mind since I have been anxious。” Then I told him all
about Mr Guppy； who I feared might have had his vague surmises
when I little understood his meaning； but in whose silence after
our last interview I expressed perfect confidence。
“Well；” said my Guardian。 “Then we may dismiss him for the
present。 Who is the other？”
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I called to his recollection the French maid and the eager offer
of herself she had made to me。
“Ha！” he returned thoughtfully； “that is a more alarming
person than the clerk。 But after all； my dear； it was but seeking for
a new service。 She had seen you and Ada a little while before； and
it was natural that you should come into her head。 She merely
proposed herself for your maid； you know。 She did nothing more。”
“Her manner was strange；” said I。
“Yes； and her manner was strange when she took her shoes off；
and showed that cool relish for a walk that might have ended in
her death…bed；” said my Guardian。 “It would be useless self…
distress and torment to reckon up such chances and possibilities。
There are very few harmless circumstances that would not seem
full of perilous meaning； so considered。 Be hopeful； little woman。
You can be nothing better than yourself； be that； through this
knowledge； as you were before you had it。 It is the best you can do；
for everybody’s sake。 I sharing the secret with you—”
“And lightening it； Guardian； so much；” said I。
“—Will be attentive to what passes in that family； so far as I can
observe it from my distance。 And if the time should come when I
can stretch out a hand to render the least service to one whom it is
better not to name even here； I will not fail to do it for her dear
daughter’s sake。”
I thanked him with my whole heart。 What could I ever do but
thank him！ I was going out at the door； when he asked me to stay a
moment。 Quickly turning round； I saw that same expression on his
face again； and all at once； I don’t know how； it flashed upon me as
a new and far off possibility that I understood it。
“My dear Esther；” said my Guardian； “I have long had
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something in my thoughts that I have wished to say to you。”
“Indeed？”
“I have had some difficulty in approaching it； and I still have。 I
should wish it to be so deliberately said； and so deliberately
considered。 Would you object to my writing it？”
“Dear Guardian； how could I object to your writing anything for
me to read
