bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第165章
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considered。 Would you object to my writing it？”
“Dear Guardian； how could I object to your writing anything for
me to read？”
“Then see； my love；” said he； with his cheery smile； “am I at
this moment quite as plain and easy—do I seem as open； as honest
and old…fashioned； as I am at any time？”
I answered； in all earnestness； “Quite。” With the strictest truth；
for his momentary hesitation was gone （it had not lasted a
minute）； and his fine； sensible； cordial； sterling manner was
restored。
“Do I look as if I suppressed anything； meant anything but what
I said； had any reservation at all； no matter what？” said he； with
his bright clear eyes on mine。
I answered； most assuredly he did not。
“Can you fully trust me； and thoroughly rely on what I profess；
Esther？”
“Most thoroughly；” said I； with my whole heart。
“My dear girl；” returned my Guardian； “give me your hand。”
He took it in his； holding me lightly with his arm； and； looking
down into my face with the same genuine freshness and
faithfulness of manner—the old protecting manner which had
made that house my home in a moment—said； “You have wrought
changes in me； little woman； since the winter day in the stage
coach。 First and last you have done me a world of good； since that
time。”
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“Ah； Guardian； what have you done for me since that time？”
“But；” said he； “that is not to be remembered now。”
“It never can be forgotten。”
“Yes； Esther；” said he； with a gentle seriousness； “it is to be
forgotten now； to be forgotten for a while。 You are only to
remember now； that nothing can change me as you know me。 Can
you feel quite assured of that； my dear？”
“I can； and I do；” I said。
“That’s much；” he answered。 “That’s everything。 But I must not
take that； at a word。 I will not write this something in my thoughts；
until you have quite resolved within yourself that nothing can
change me as you know me。 If you doubt that in the least degree I
will never write it。 If you are sure of that； on good consideration；
send Charley to me this night week—‘for the letter。’ But if you are
not quite certain； never send。 Mind； I trust to your truth； in this
thing as in everything。 If you are not quite certain on that one
point； never send！”
“Guardian；” said I； “I am already certain。 I can no more be
changed in that conviction； that you can be changed towards me。 I
shall send Charley for the letter。”
He shook my hand and said no more。 Nor was any more said in
reference to this conversation； either by him or me； through the
whole week。 When the appointed night came； I said to Charley as
soon as I was alone； “Go and knock at Mr Jarndyce’s door；
Charley； and say you have come from me—‘for the letter。’”
Charley went up the stairs； and down the stairs； and along the
passages—the zig…zag way about the old…fashioned house seemed
very long in my listening ears that night—and so came back； along
the passages； and down the stairs； and up the stairs； and brought
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Bleak House 838
the letter。 “Lay it on the table； Charley；” said I。 So Charley laid it
on the table and went to bed； and I sat looking at it without taking
it up； thinking of many things。
I began with my overshadowed childhood； and passed through
those timid days to the heavy time when my aunt lay dead； with
her resolute face so cold and set； and when I was more solitary
with Mrs Rachael； than if I had had no one in the world to speak to
or to look at。 I passed to the altered days when I was so blest as to
find friends in all around me； and to be beloved。 I came to the time
when I first saw my dear girl； and was received into that sisterly
affection which was the grace and beauty of my life。 I recalled the
first bright gleam of welcome which had shone out of those very
windows upon our expectant faces on that cold bright night； and
which had never paled。 I lived my happy life there over again； I
went through my illness and recovery； I thought of myself so
altered and of those around me so unchanged； and all this
happiness shone like a light； from one central figure； represented
before me by the letter on the table。
I opened it and read it。 It was so impressive in its love for me；
and in the unselfish caution it gave me； and the consideration it
showed for me in every word； that my eyes were too often blinded
to read much at a time。 But I read it through three times； before I
laid it down。 I had thought beforehand that I knew its purport； and
I did。 It asked me； would I be the mistress of Bleak House。
It was not a love letter though it expressed so much love； but
was written just as he would at any time have spoken to me。 I saw
his face； and heard his voice； and felt the influence of his kind
protecting manner； in every line。 It addressed me as if our places
were reversed： as if all the good deeds had been mine； and all the
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Bleak House 839
feelings they had awakened； his。 It dwelt on my being young； and
he past the prime of life； on his having attained a ripe age； while I
was a child； on his writing to me with a silvered head； and
knowing all this so well as to set it in full before me for mature
deliberation。 It told me that I would gain nothing by such a
marriage； and lose nothing by rejecting it； for no new relation
could enhance the tenderness in which he held me； and whatever
my decision was； he was certain it would be right。 But he had
considered this step anew； since our late confidence； and had
decided on taking it； if it only served to show me； through one
poor instance； that the whole world would readily unite to falsify
the stern prediction of my childhood。 I was the last to know what
happiness I could bestow upon him； but of that he said no more；
for I was always to remember that I owed him nothing； and that he
was my debtor； and for very much。 He had often thought of our
future； and； foreseeing that the time must come； and fearing that it
might come soon； when Ada （now very nearly of age） would leave
us； and when our present mode of life must be broken up； had
become accustomed to reflect on this proposal。 Thus he made it。 If
I felt that I could ever give him the best right he could have to be
my protector； and if I felt that I could happily and justly become
the dear companion of his remaining life； superior to all lighter
chances and changes than Death； even then he could not have me
bind myself irrevocably； while this letter was yet so new to me；
but； even then； I must have ample time for reconsideration。 In that
case； or in the opposite case； let him be unchanged in his old
relation； in his old manner； in the old name by which I called him。
And as to his bright Dame Durden and little housekeeper； she
would ever be the same； he knew。
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This was the substance of the letter； written throughout with a
justice and a dignity； as if he were indeed my responsible
guardian； impartially representing the proposal of a friend against
whom in his integrity he stated the full case。
But he did not hint to me； that when I had been better looking；
he had had this same proceeding in his thoughts； and had
refrained from it。 That when my old face was gone from me； and I
had no attractions； he could love me just as well as in my fairer
days。 That the discovery of my birth gave him no shock。 That his
generosity rose above my disfigurement； and my inheritance of
shame。 That the more I stood in need of such fidelity； the more
firmly I might trust in him to the last。
But I knew it； I knew it well now。 It came upon me as the close
of the benignant history I had been pursuing； and I felt that I had
but one thing to do。 To devote my life to his happiness was to
thank him poorly； and what had I wished for the other night but
some new means of thanking him？
Still I cried very much； not only in the fulness of my heart after
reading the letter； not only in the strangeness of the prospect—for
it was strange though I had expected the contents—but as if
something for which there was no name or distinct idea were
indefinitely lost to me。 I was very happy； very thankful； very
hopeful； but I cried very much。
By…and…by I went to my old glass。 My eyes were red and
swollen； and I said； “O Esther； Esther； can that be you！” I am
afraid the face in the glass was going to cry again at this reproach；
but I held up my finger at it； and it stopped。
“That is more like the composed look you comforted me with；
my dear； when you showed me such a change！” said I； beginning
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to let down my hair。 “When you are mistress of Bleak House； you
are to be as cheerful as a bird。 In
