the sorrows of young werther-第12章

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y；　nor　that　we　subalterns　did　not　belong　to　such　society。　Well；　I　dined　with　the　count；　and；　after　dinner；　we　adjourned　to　the　large　hall。　　We　walked　up　and　down　together：　and　I　conversed　with　him；　and　with　Colonel　B；　who　joined　us；　and　in　this　manner　the　hour　for　the　assembly　approached。　　God　knows；　I　was　thinking　of　nothing；　when　who　should　enter　but　the　honourable　Lady　accompanied　by　her　noble　husband　and　their　silly；　scheming　daughter；　with　her　small　waist　and　flat　neck；　and；　with　disdainful　looks　and　a　haughty　air　they　passed　me　by。　　As　I　heartily　detest　the　whole　race；　I　determined　upon　going　away；　and　only　waited　till　the　count　had　disengaged　himself　from　their　impertinent　prattle；　to　take　leave；　when　the　agreeable　Miss　B　came　in。　　As　I　never　meet　her　without　experiencing　a　heartfelt　pleasure；　I　stayed　and　talked　to　her；　leaning　over　the　back　of　her　chair；　and　did　not　perceive；　till　after　some　time；　that　she　seemed　a　little　confused；　and　ceased　to　answer　me　with　her　usual　ease　of　manner。　　I　was　struck　with　it。　〃Heavens！〃　I　said　to　myself；　〃can　she；　too；　be　like　the　rest？〃　　I　felt　annoyed；　and　was　about　to　withdraw；　but　I　remained；　notwithstanding；　forming　excuses　for　her　conduct；　fancying　she　did　not　mean　it；　and　still　hoping　to　receive　some　friendly　recognition。　The　rest　of　the　company　now　arrived。　There　was　the　Baron　F　；　in　an　entire　suit　that　dated　from　the　coronation　of　Francis　I。；　the　Chancellor　N；　with　his　deaf　wife；　the　shabbily…dressed　I；　whose　old…fashioned　coat　bore　evidence　of　modern　repairs：　this　crowned　the　whole。　　I　conversed　with　some　of　my　acquaintances；　but　they　answered　me　laconically。　　I　was　engaged　in　observing　Miss　B；　and　did　not　notice　that　the　women　were　whispering　at　the　end　of　the　room；　that　the　murmur　extended　by　degrees　to　the　men；　that　Madame　S　addressed　the　count　with　much　warmth　（this　was　all　related　to　me　subsequently　by　Miss　B）；　till　at　length　the　count　came　up　to　me；　and　took　me　to　the　window。　　〃You　know　our　ridiculous　customs；〃　he　said。　　〃I　perceive　the　company　is　rather　displeased　at　your　being　here。　　I　would　not　on　any　account〃　　〃I　beg　your　excellency's　pardon！〃　I　exclaimed。　　〃I　ought　to　have　thought　of　this　before；　but　I　know　you　will　forgive　this　little　inattention。　　I　was　going；〃　I　added；　〃some　time　ago；　but　my　evil　genius　detained　me。〃　　And　I　smiled　and　bowed；　to　take　my　leave。　　He　shook　me　by　the　hand；　in　a　manner　which　expressed　everything。　　I　hastened　at　once　from　the　illustrious　assembly；　sprang　into　a　carriage；　and　drove　to　M。　I　contemplated　the　setting　sun　from　the　top　of　the　hill；　and　read　that　beautiful　passage　in　Homer；　where　Ulysses　is　entertained　by　the　hospitable　herdsmen。　　This　was　indeed　delightful。　　　　I　returned　home　to　supper　in　the　evening。　　But　few　persons　were　assembled　in　the　room。　　They　had　turned　up　a　corner　of　the　table…cloth；　and　were　playing　at　dice。　　The　good…natured　A　came　in。　　He　laid　down　his　hat　when　he　saw　me；　approached　me；　and　said　in　a　low　tone；　〃You　have　met　with　a　disagreeable　adventure。〃　　〃I！〃　I　exclaimed。　〃The　count　obliged　you　to　withdraw　from　the　assembly！〃　　〃Deuce　take　the　assembly！〃　said　I。　　〃I　was　very　glad　to　be　gone。〃　　〃I　am　delighted；〃　he　added；　〃that　you　take　it　so　lightly。　　I　am　only　sorry　that　it　is　already　so　much　spoken　of。〃　　The　circumstance　then　began　to　pain　me。　I　fancied　that　every　one　who　sat　down；　and　even　looked　at　me；　was　thinking　of　this　incident；　and　my　heart　became　embittered。

And　now　I　could　plunge　a　dagger　into　my　bosom；　when　I　hear　myself　everywhere　pitied；　and　observe　the　triumph　of　my　enemies；　who　say　that　this　is　always　the　case　with　vain　persons；　whose　heads　are　turned　with　conceit；　who　affect　to　despise　forms　and　such　petty；　idle　nonsense。

Say　what　you　will　of　fortitude；　but　show　me　the　man　who　can　patiently　endure　the　laughter　of　fools；　when　they　have　obtained　an　advantage　over　him。　　'Tis　only　when　their　nonsense　is　without　foundation　that　one　can　suffer　it　without　complaint。

March　16。　

Everything　conspires　against　me。　　I　met　Miss　B　walking　to…day。　I　could　not　help　joining　her；　and；　when　we　were　at　a　little　distance　from　her　companions；　I　expressed　my　sense　of　her　altered　manner　toward　me。　　〃O　Werther！〃　she　said；　in　a　tone　of　emotion；　〃you；　who　know　my　heart；　how　could　you　so　ill　interpret　my　distress？　　What　did　I　not　suffer　for　you；　from　the　moment　you　entered　the　room！　I　foresaw　it　all；　a　hundred　times　was　I　on　the　point　of　mentioning　it　to　you。　　I　knew　that　the　Ss　and　Ts；　with　their　husbands；　would　quit　the　room；　rather　than　remain　in　your　company。　　I　knew　that　the　count　would　not　break　with　them：　and　now　so　much　is　said　about　it。〃　　〃How！〃　I　exclaimed；　and　endeavoured　to　conceal　my　emotion；　for　all　that　Adelin　had　mentioned　to　me　yesterday　recurred　to　me　painfully　at　that　moment。　　〃Oh；　how　much　it　has　already　cost　me！〃　said　this　amiable　girl；　while　her　eyes　filled　with　tears。　　I　could　scarcely　contain　myself；　and　was　ready　to　throw　myself　at　her　feet。　　〃Explain　yourself！〃　　I　cried。　　Tears　flowed　down　her　cheeks。　　I　became　quite　frantic。　　She　wiped　them　away；　without　attempting　to　conceal　them。　　〃You　know　my　aunt；〃　she　continued；　〃she　was　present：　and　in　what　light　does　she　consider　the　affair！　Last　night；　and　this　morning；　Werther；　I　was　compelled　to　listen　to　a　lecture　upon　my；　acquaintance　with　you。　　I　have　been　obliged　to　hear　you　condemned　and　depreciated；　and　I　could　not　　I　dared　not　　say　much　in　your　defence。〃

Every　word　she　uttered　was　a　dagger　to　my　heart。　　She　did　not　feel　what　a　mercy　it　would　have　been　to　conceal　everything　from　me。　She　told　me；　in　addition；　all　the　impertinence　that　would　be　further　circulated；　and　how　the　malicious　would　triumph；　how　they　would　rejoice　over　the　punishment　of　my　pride；　over　my　humiliation　for　that　want　of　esteem　for　others　with　which　I　had　often　been　reproached。　To　hear　all　this；　Wilhelm；　uttered　by　her　in　a　voice　of　the　most　sincere　sympathy；　awakened　all　my　passions；　and　I　am　still　in　a　state　of　extreme　excitement。　　I　wish　I　could　find　a　man　to　jeer　me　about　this　event。　　I　would　sacrifice　him　to　my　resentment。　　The　sight　of　his　blood　might　possibly　be　a　relief　to　my　fury。　　A　hundred　times　have　I　seized　a　dagger；　to　give　ease　to　this　oppressed　heart。　Naturalists　tell　of　a　noble　race　of　horses　that　instinctively　open　a　vein　with　their　teeth；　when　heated　and　exhausted　by　a　long　course；　in　order　to　breathe　more　freely。　　I　am　often　tempted　to　open　a　vein；　to　procure　for　myself　everlasting　liberty。

MARCH　24。　

I　have　tendered　my　resignation　to　the　court。　　I　hope　it　will　be　accepted；　and　you　will　forgive　me　for　not　having　previously　consulted　you。　　It　is　necessary　I　should　leave　this　place。　　I　know　all　you　will　urge　me　to　stay；　and　therefore　I　beg　you　will　soften　this　news　to　my　mother。　　I　am　unable　to　do　anything　for　myself：　how；　then；　should　I　be　competent　to　assist　others？　　It　will　afflict　her　that　I　should　have　interrupted　that　career　which　would　have　made　me　first　a　privy　councillor；　and　then　minister；　and　that　I　should　look　behind　me；　in　place　of　advancing。　　Argue　as　you　will；　combine　all　the　reasons　which　should　have　induced　me　to　remain；　I　am　going：　that　is　sufficient。　　But；　that　you　may　not　be　ignorant　of　my　destination；　I　may　mention　that　the　Prince　of　　is　here。　　He　is　much　pleased　with　my　company；　and；　having　heard　of　my　intention　to　resign；　he　has　invited　me　to　his　country　house；　to　pass　the　spring　months　with　him。　I　shall　be　left　completely　my　own　master；　and；　as　we　agree　on　all　subjects　but　one；　I　shall　try　my　fortune；　and　accompany　him。

APRIL　l9。

Thanks　for　both　your　letters。　　I　delayed　my　reply；　and　withheld　this　letter；　till　I　should　obtain　an　answer　from　the　court。　　I　feared　my　mother　might　apply　to　the　minister　to　defeat　my　purpose。　But　my　request　is　granted；　my　resignation　is　accepted。　　I　shall　not　recount　with　what　reluctance　it　was　accorded；　nor　relate　what　the　minister　has　written：　you　would　only　renew　your　lamentations。　The　crown　prince　has　sent　me　a　present　of　five　and　twenty　ducats；　and；　indeed；　such　goodness　has　affected　me　to　tears。　　For　this　reason　I　shall　not　require　from　my　mother　the　money　for　which　I　lately　applied。

MAY　5。　

I　leave　this　place　to…morrow；　and；　as　my　native　place　is　only　six　miles　from　the　high　road；　I　intend　to　visit　it　once　more；　and　recall　the　happy　dreams　of　my　childhood。　　I　shall　enter　at　the　same　gate　through　which　I　came　with　my　mother；　when；　after　my　father's　death；　she　left　that　delightful　retreat　to　immure　herself　in　your　melancholy　town。　　Adieu；　my　dear　friend：　you　shall　hear　of　my　future　career。

MAY　9。

I　have　paid　my　visit　to　my　native　place　with　all　the　devotion　of　a　pilgrim；　and　have　experienced　many　unexpected　emotions。　　Near　the　great　elm　tree；　which　is　a　quarter　of　a　league　from　the　village；　I　got　out　of　the　carriage；　and　sent　it　on　before；　that　alone；　and　on　foot；　I　might　enjoy　vividly　and　heartily　all　the　pleasure　of　my　recollections。　　I　stood　there　under　that　same　elm　which　was　formerly　the　term　and　object　of　my　walks。　　How　things　have　since　changed！　　Then；　in　happy　ignorance；　I　sighed　for　a　world　I　did　not　know；　where　I　hoped　to　find　every　pleasure　and　enjoyment　which　my　heart　could　desire；　and　now；　on　my　return　from　that　wide　world；　O　my　friend；　how　many　disappointed　hopes　and　unsuccessful　plans　have　I　brought　back！

As　I　contemplated　the　mountains　which　lay　stretched　out　before　me；　I　thought　how　often　they　had　been　the　object　of　my　dearest　desires。　Here　used　I　to　sit　for　hours　together　with　my　eyes　bent　upon　them；　ardently　longing　to　wander　in　the　shade　of　those　woods；　to　lose　myself　in　those　valleys；　which　form　so　delightful　an　object　in　the　distance。　　With　what　reluctance　did　I　leave　this　charming　spot；　when　my　hour　of　recreation　was　over；　and　my　leave　of　absence　expired！　　I　drew　near　to　the　village：　all　the　well…known　old　summerhouses　and　gardens　were　recognised　again；　I　disliked　the　new　ones；　and　all　other　alterations　which　had　taken　place。　　I　entered　the　village；　and　all　my　former　feelings　returned。　　I　cannot；　my　dear　friend；　enter　into　details；　charming　as　were　my　sensations：　they　would　be　dull　in　the　narration。　　I　had　intended　to　lodge　in　the　market…place；　near　our　old　house。　　As　soon　as　I　entered；　I　perceived　that　the　schoolroom；　where　our　childhood　had　been　taught　by　that　good　old　woman；　was　converted　into　a　shop。　　I　called　to　mind　the　sorrow；　the　heaviness；　the　tears；　and　oppression　of　heart；　which　I　experienced　in　that　confinement。　　Every　step　produced　some　particular　impression。　　A　pilgrim　in　the　Holy　Land　does　not　meet　so　many　spots　pregnant　with　tender　recollections；　and　his　soul　is　hardly　moved　with　greater　devotion。　　One　incident　will　serve　for　illustration。　　I　followed　the　course　of　a　stream　to　a　farm；　formerly　a　delightful　walk　of　mine；　and　paused　at　the　spot；　where；　when　boys；　we　used　to　amuse　ourselves　making　ducks　and　drakes　upon　the　water。　　I　recollected　so　well　how　I　used　formerly　to　watch　the　course　of　that　same　stream；　following　it　with　inquiring　eagerness；　forming　romantic　ideas　of　the　countries　it　was　to　pass　through；　but　my　imagination　was　soon　exhausted：　while　the　water　continued　flowing　farther　and　farther　on；　till　my　fancy　became　bewildered　by　the　contemplation　of　an　invisible　distance。　　Exactly　such；　my　dear　friend；　so　happy　and　so　confined；　were　t