the sorrows of young werther-第15章

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re　me；　and　her　wondrous　prospects　are　ineffectual　to　extract　one　tear　of　joy　from　my　withered　heart；　I　feel　that　in　such　a　moment　I　stand　like　a　reprobate　before　heaven；　hardened；　insensible；　and　unmoved。　　Oftentimes　do　I　then　bend　my　knee　to　the　earth；　and　implore　God　for　the　blessing　of　tears；　as　the　desponding　labourer　in　some　scorching　climate　prays　for　the　dews　of　heaven　to　moisten　his　parched　corn。　　　　But　I　feel　that　God　does　not　grant　sunshine　or　rain　to　our　importunate　entreaties。　　And　oh；　those　bygone　days；　whose　memory　now　torments　me！　why　were　they　so　fortunate？　　Because　I　then　waited　with　patience　for　the　blessings　of　the　Eternal；　and　received　his　gifts　with　the　grateful　feelings　of　a　thankful　heart。

NOVEMBER　8。

Charlotte　has　reproved　me　for　my　excesses；　with　so　much　tenderness　and　goodness！　　I　have　lately　been　in　the　habit　of　drinking　more　wine　than　heretofore。　　〃Don't　do　it；〃　she　said。　　〃Think　of　Charlotte！〃　〃Think　of　you！〃　I　answered；　〃need　you　bid　me　do　so？　　Think　of　you　　I　do　not　think　of　you：　you　are　ever　before　my　soul！　　This　very　morning　I　sat　on　the　spot　where；　a　few　days　ago；　you　descended　from　the　carriage；　and〃　　She　immediately　changed　the　subject　to　prevent　me　from　pursuing　it　farther。　　My　dear　friend；　my　energies　are　all　prostrated：　she　can　do　with　me　what　she　pleases。

NOVEMBER　15。

I　thank　you；　Wilhelm；　for　your　cordial　sympathy；　for　your　excellent　advice；　and　I　implore　you　to　be　quiet。　　Leave　me　to　my　sufferings。　In　spite　of　my　wretchedness；　I　have　still　strength　enough　for　endurance。　　I　revere　religion　　you　know　I　do。　　I　feel　that　it　can　impart　strength　to　the　feeble　and　comfort　to　the　afflicted；　but　does　it　affect　all　men　equally？　　Consider　this　vast　universe：　you　will　see　thousands　for　whom　it　has　never　existed；　thousands　for　whom　it　will　never　exist；　whether　it　be　preached　to　them；　or　not；　and　must　it；　then；　necessarily　exist　for　me？　　Does　not　the　Son　of　God　himself　say　that　they　are　his　whom　the　Father　has　given　to　him？　　Have　I　been　given　to　him？　　What　if　the　Father　will　retain　me　for　himself；　as　my　heart　sometimes　suggests？　　I　pray　you；　do　not　misinterpret　this。　　Do　not　extract　derision　from　my　harmless　words。　　I　pour　out　my　whole　soul　before　you。　　Silence　were　otherwise　preferable　to　me；　but　I　need　not　shrink　from　a　subject　of　which　few　know　more　than　I　do　myself。　　What　is　the　destiny　of　man；　but　to　fill　up　the　measure　of　his　sufferings；　and　to　drink　his　allotted　cup　of　bitterness？　　And　if　that　same　cup　proved　bitter　to　the　God　of　heaven；　under　a　human　form；　why　should　I　affect　a　foolish　pride；　and　call　it　sweet？　　Why　should　I　be　ashamed　of　shrinking　at　that　fearful　moment；　when　my　whole　being　will　tremble　between　existence　and　annihilation；　when　a　remembrance　of　the　past；　like　a　flash　of　lightning；　will　illuminate　the　dark　gulf　of　futurity；　when　everything　shall　dissolve　around　me；　and　the　whole　world　vanish　away？　　Is　not　this　the　voice　of　a　creature　oppressed　beyond　all　resource；　self…deficient；　about　to　plunge　into　inevitable　destruction；　and　groaning　deeply　at　its　inadequate　strength；　〃My　God！　my　God！　why　hast　thou　forsaken　me？〃　　And　should　I　feel　ashamed　to　utter　the　same　expression？　　Should　I　not　shudder　at　a　prospect　which　had　its　fears；　even　for　him　who　folds　up　the　heavens　like　a　garment？

NOVEMBER　21。

She　does　not　feel；　she　does　not　know；　that　she　is　preparing　a　poison　which　will　destroy　us　both；　and　I　drink　deeply　of　the　draught　which　is　to　prove　my　destruction。　　What　mean　those　looks　of　kindness　with　which　she　often　　often？　no；　not　often；　but　sometimes；　regards　me；　that　complacency　with　which　she　hears　the　involuntary　sentiments　which　frequently　escape　me；　and　the　tender　pity　for　my　sufferings　which　appears　in　her　countenance？

Yesterday；　when　I　took　leave　she　seized　me　by　the　hand；　and　said；　〃Adieu；　dear　Werther。〃　　Dear　Werther！　　It　was　the　first　time　she　ever　called　me　dear：　the　sound　sunk　deep　into　my　heart。　　I　have　repeated　it　a　hundred　times；　and　last　night；　on　going　to　bed；　and　talking　to　myself　of　various　things；　I　suddenly　said；　〃Good　night；　dear　Werther！〃　and　then　could　not　but　laugh　at　myself。

NOVEMBER　22

I　cannot　pray；　〃Leave　her　to　me　！〃　and　yet　she　often　seems　to　belong　to　me。　　I　cannot　pray；　〃Give　her　to　me！〃　for　she　is　another's。　　In　this　way　I　affect　mirth　over　my　troubles；　and；　if　I　had　time；　I　could　compose　a　whole　litany　of　antitheses。

NOVEMBER　24。

She　is　sensible　of　my　sufferings。　　This　morning　her　look　pierced　my　very　soul。　　I　found　her　alone；　and　she　was　silent：　she　steadfastly　surveyed　me。　　I　no　longer　saw　in　her　face　the　charms　of　beauty　or　the　fire　of　genius：　these　had　disappeared。　　But　I　was　affected　by　an　expression　much　more　touching；　a　look　of　the　deepest　sympathy　and　of　the　softest　pity。　　Why　was　I　afraid　to　throw　myself　at　her　feet？　　Why　did　I　not　dare　to　take　her　in　my　arms；　and　answer　her　by　a　thousand　kisses？　　She　had　recourse　to　her　piano　for　relief；　and　in　a　low　and　sweet　voice　accompanied　the　music　with　delicious　sounds。　　Her　lips　never　appeared　so　lovely：　they　seemed　but　just　to　open；　that　they　might　imbibe　the　sweet　tones　which　issued　from　the　instrument；　and　return　the　heavenly　vibration　from　her　lovely　mouth。　　Oh！　who　can　express　my　sensations？　　I　was　quite　overcome；　and；　bending　down；　pronounced　this　vow：　〃Beautiful　lips；　which　the　angels　guard；　never　will　I　seek　to　profane　your　purity　with　a　kiss。〃　And　yet；　my　friend；　oh；　I　wish　　but　my　heart　is　darkened　by　doubt　and　indecision　　could　I　but　taste　felicity；　and　then　die　to　expiate　the　sin！　　What　sin？

NOVEMBER　26。

Oftentimes　I　say　to　myself；　〃Thou　alone　art　wretched：　all　other　mortals　are　happy；　none　are　distressed　like　thee！〃　　Then　I　read　a　passage　in　an　ancient　poet；　and　I　seem　to　understand　my　own　heart。　　I　have　so　much　to　endure！　　Have　men　before　me　ever　been　so　wretched？

NOVEMBER　30。

I　shall　never　be　myself　again！　　Wherever　I　go；　some　fatality　occurs　to　distract　me。　　Even　to…day　alas　　for　our　destiny！　alas　for　human　nature！

About　dinner…time　I　went　to　walk　by　the　river…side；　for　I　had　no　appetite。　　Everything　around　seemed　gloomy：　a　cold　and　damp　easterly　wind　blew　from　the　mountains；　and　black；　heavy　clouds　spread　over　the　plain。　　I　observed　at　a　distance　a　man　in　a　tattered　coat：　he　was　wandering　among　the　rocks；　and　seemed　to　be　looking　for　plants。　When　I　approached；　he　turned　round　at　the　noise；　and　I　saw　that　he　had　an　interesting　countenance　in　which　a　settled　melancholy；　strongly　marked　by　benevolence；　formed　the　principal　feature。　His　long　black　hair　was　divided；　and　flowed　over　his　shoulders。　As　his　garb　betokened　a　person　of　the　lower　order；　I　thought　he　would　not　take　it　ill　if　I　inquired　about　his　business；　and　I　therefore　asked　what　he　was　seeking。　　He　replied；　with　a　deep　sigh；　that　he　was　looking　for　flowers；　and　could　find　none。　　〃But　it　is　not　the　season；〃　I　observed；　with　a　smile。　　〃Oh；　there　are　so　many　flowers！〃　he　answered；　as　he　came　nearer　to　me。　　〃In　my　garden　there　are　roses　and　honeysuckles　of　two　sorts：　one　sort　was　given　to　me　by　my　father！　they　grow　as　plentifully　as　weeds；　I　have　been　looking　for　them　these　two　days；　and　cannot　find　them。　　There　are　flowers　out　there；　yellow；　blue；　and　red；　and　that　centaury　has　a　very　pretty　blossom：　but　I　can　find　none　of　them。〃　　I　observed　his　peculiarity；　and　therefore　asked　him；　with　an　air　of　indifference；　what　he　intended　to　do　with　his　flowers。　　A　strange　smile　overspread　his　countenance。　　Holding　his　finger　to　his　mouth；　he　expressed　a　hope　that　I　would　not　betray　him；　and　he　then　informed　me　that　he　had　promised　to　gather　a　nosegay　for　his　mistress。　　〃That　is　right；〃　said　I。　　〃Oh！〃　he　replied；　〃she　possesses　many　other　things　as　well：　she　is　very　rich。〃　　〃And　yet；〃　I　continued；　〃she　likes　your　nosegays。〃　　〃Oh；　she　has　jewels　and　crowns！〃　he　exclaimed。　　I　asked　who　she　was。　　〃If　the　states…general　would　but　pay　me；〃　he　added；　〃I　should　be　quite　another　man。　Alas！　there　was　a　time　when　I　was　so　happy；　but　that　is　past；　and　I　am　now〃　　He　raised　his　swimming　eyes　to　heaven。　　〃And　you　were　happy　once？〃　　I　observed。　　〃Ah；　would　I　were　so　still！〃　was　his　reply。　　〃I　was　then　as　gay　and　contented　as　a　man　can　be。〃　　An　old　woman；　who　was　coming　toward　us；　now　called　out；　〃Henry；　Henry！　where　are　you？　　We　have　been　looking　for　you　everywhere：　come　to　dinner。〃　　〃Is　he　your　son？〃　I　inquired；　as　I　went　toward　her。　〃Yes；〃　she　said：　〃he　is　my　poor；　unfortunate　son。　　The　Lord　has　sent　me　a　heavy　affliction。〃　　I　asked　whether　he　had　been　long　in　this　state。　　She　answered；　〃He　has　been　as　calm　as　he　is　at　present　for　about　six　months。　　I　thank　Heaven　that　he　has　so　far　recovered：　he　was　for　one　whole　year　quite　raving；　and　chained　down　in　a　madhouse。　　Now　he　injures　no　one；　but　talks　of　nothing　else　than　kings　and　queens。　　He　used　to　be　a　very　good；　quiet　youth；　and　helped　to　maintain　me；　he　wrote　a　very　fine　hand；　but　all　at　once　he　became　melancholy；　was　seized　with　a　violent　fever；　grew　distracted；　and　is　now　as　you　see。　　If　I　were　only　to　tell　you；　sir〃　　I　interrupted　her　by　asking　what　period　it　was　in　which　he　boasted　of　having　been　so　happy。　　〃Poor　boy！〃　she　exclaimed；　with　a　smile　of　cormpassion；　〃he　means　the　time　when　he　was　completely　deranged；　a　time　he　never　ceases　to　regret；　when　he　was　in　the　madhouse；　and　unconscious　of　everything。〃　　I　was　thunderstruck：　I　placed　a　piece　of　money　in　her　hand；　and　hastened　away。

〃You　were　happy！〃　　I　exclaimed；　as　I　returned　quickly　to　the　town；　〃'as　gay　and　contented　as　a　man　can　be！'〃　　God　of　heaven！　and　is　this　the　destiny　of　man？　　Is　he　only　happy　before　he　has　acquired　his　reason；　or　after　he　has　lost　it？　　Unfortunate　being！　And　yet　I　envy　your　fate：　I　envy　the　delusion　to　which　you　are　a　victim。　　You　go　forth　with　joy　to　gather　flowers　for　your　princess；　　in　winter；　　and　grieve　when　you　can　find　none；　and　cannot　understand　why　they　do　not　grow。　　But　I　wander　forth　without　joy；　without　hope；　without　design；　and　I　return　as　I　came。　　You　fancy　what　a　man　you　would　be　if　the　states　general　paid　you。　　Happy　mortal；　who　can　ascribe　your　wretchedness　to　an　earthly　cause！　You　do　not　know；　you　do　not　feel；　that　in　your　own　distracted　heart　and　disordered　brain　dwells　the　source　of　that　unhappiness　which　all　the　potentates　on　earth　cannot　relieve。

Let　that　man　die　unconsoled　who　can　deride　the　invalid　for　undertaking　a　journey　to　distant；　healthful　springs；　where　he　often　finds　only　a　heavier　disease　and　a　more　painful　death；　or　who　can　exult　over　the　despairing　mind　of　a　sinner；　who；　to　obtain　peace　of　conscience　and　an　alleviation　of　misery；　makes　a　pilgrimage　to　the　Holy　Sepulchre。　　Each　laborious　step　which　galls　his　wounded　feet　in　rough　and　untrodden　paths　pours　a　drop　of　balm　into　his　troubled　soul；　and　the　journey　of　many　a　weary　day　brings　a　nightly　relief　to　his　anguished　heart。　　Will　you　dare　call　this　enthusiasm；　ye　crowd　of　pompous　declaimers？　　Enthusiasm！　　0　God！　thou　seest　my　tears。　　Thou　hast　allotted　us　our　portion　of　misery：　must　we　also　have　brethren　to　persecute　us；　to　deprive　us　of　our　consolation；　of　our　trust　in　thee；　and　in　thy　love　and　mercy？　　For　our　trust　in　the　virtue　of　the　healing　root；　or　in　the　strength　of　the　vine；　what　is　it　else　than　a　belief　in　thee　from　whom　all　that　surrounds　us　derives　its　healing　and　restoring　powers？