the jacket (the star-rover)-第13章

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almost　dream…like；　and　yet；　in　its　way；　it　was　positive　almost　to　a

pitch　of　exaltation。



I　began　my　concentration　of　will。　　Even　then　my　body　was　numbing　and

prickling　through　the　loss　of　circulation。　　I　directed　my　will　to

the　little　toe　of　my　right　foot；　and　I　willed　that　toe　to　cease　to

be　alive　in　my　consciousness。　　I　willed　that　toe　to　dieto　die　so

far　as　I；　its　lord；　and　a　different　thing　entirely　from　it；　was

concerned。　　There　was　the　hard　struggle。　　Morrell　had　warned　me　that

it　would　be　so。　　But　there　was　no　flicker　of　doubt　to　disturb　my

faith。　　I　knew　that　that　toe　would　die；　and　I　knew　when　it　was　dead。

Joint　by　joint　it　had　died　under　the　compulsion　of　my　will。



The　rest　was　easy；　but　slow；　I　will　admit。　　Joint　by　joint；　toe　by

toe；　all　the　toes　of　both　my　feet　ceased　to　be。　　And　joint　by　joint；

the　process　went　on。　　Came　the　time　when　my　flesh　below　the　ankles

had　ceased。　　Came　the　time　when　all　below　my　knees　had　ceased。



Such　was　the　pitch　of　my　perfect　exaltation；　that　I　knew　not　the

slightest　prod　of　rejoicing　at　my　success。　　I　knew　nothing　save　that

I　was　making　my　body　die。　　All　that　was　I　was　devoted　to　that　sole

task。　　I　performed　the　work　as　thoroughly　as　any　mason　laying

bricks；　and　I　regarded　the　work　as　just　about　as　commonplace　as

would　a　brick…mason　regard　his　work。



At　the　end　of　an　hour　my　body　was　dead　to　the　hips；　and　from　the

hips　up；　joint　by　joint；　I　continued　to　will　the　ascending　death。



It　was　when　I　reached　the　level　of　my　heart　that　the　first　blurring

and　dizzying　of　my　consciousness'　occurred。　　For　fear　that　I　should

lose　consciousness；　I　willed　to　hold　the　death　I　had　gained；　and

shifted　my　concentration　to　my　fingers。　　My　brain　cleared　again；　and

the　death　of　my　arms　to　the　shoulders　was　most　rapidly　accomplished。



At　this　stage　my　body　was　all　dead；　so　far　as　I　was　concerned；　save

my　head　and　a　little　patch　of　my　chest。　　No　longer　did　the　pound　and

smash　of　my　compressed　heart　echo　in　my　brain。　　My　heart　was　beating

steadily　but　feebly。　　The　joy　of　it；　had　I　dared　joy　at　such　a

moment；　would　have　been　the　cessation　of　sensations。



At　this　point　my　experience　differs　from　Morrell's。　　Still　willing

automatically；　I　began　to　grow　dreamy；　as　one　does　in　that

borderland　between　sleeping　and　waking。　　Also；　it　seemed　as　if　a

prodigious　enlargement　of　my　brain　was　taking　place　within　the　skull

itself　that　did　not　enlarge。　　There　were　occasional　glintings　and

flashings　of　light　as　if　even　I；　the　overlord；　had　ceased　for　a

moment　and　the　next　moment　was　again　myself；　still　the　tenant　of　the

fleshly　tenement　that　I　was　making　to　die。



Most　perplexing　was　the　seeming　enlargement　of　brain。　　Without

having　passed　through　the　wall　of　skull；　nevertheless　it　seemed　to

me　that　the　periphery　of　my　brain　was　already　outside　my　skull　and

still　expanding。　　Along　with　this　was　one　of　the　most　remarkable

sensations　or　experiences　that　I　have　ever　encountered。　　Time　and

space；　in　so　far　as　they　were　the　stuff　of　my　consciousness；

underwent　an　enormous　extension。　　Thus；　without　opening　my　eyes　to

verify；　I　knew　that　the　walls　of　my　narrow　cell　had　receded　until　it

was　like　a　vast　audience…chamber。　　And　while　I　contemplated　the

matter；　I　knew　that　they　continued　to　recede。　　The　whim　struck　me

for　a　moment　that　if　a　similar　expansion　were　taking　place　with　the

whole　prison；　then　the　outer　walls　of　San　Quentin　must　be　far　out　in

the　Pacific　Ocean　on　one　side　and　on　the　other　side　must　be

encroaching　on　the　Nevada　desert。　　A　companion　whim　was　that　since

matter　could　permeate　matter；　then　the　walls　of　my　cell　might　well

permeate　the　prison　walls；　pass　through　the　prison　walls；　and　thus

put　my　cell　outside　the　prison　and　put　me　at　liberty。　　Of　course；

this　was　pure　fantastic　whim；　and　I　knew　it　at　the　time　for　what　it

was。



The　extension　of　time　was　equally　remarkable。　　Only　at　long

intervals　did　my　heart　beat。　　Again　a　whim　came　to　me；　and　I　counted

the　seconds；　slow　and　sure；　between　my　heart…beats。　　At　first；　as　I

clearly　noted；　over　a　hundred　seconds　intervened　between　beats。　　But

as　I　continued　to　count　the　intervals　extended　so　that　I　was　made

weary　of　counting。



And　while　this　illusion　of　the　extension　of　time　and　space　persisted

and　grew；　I　found　myself　dreamily　considering　a　new　and　profound

problem。　　Morrell　had　told　me　that　he　had　won　freedom　from　his　body

by　killing　his　bodyor　by　eliminating　his　body　from　his

consciousness；　which；　of　course；　was　in　effect　the　same　thing。　　Now；

my　body　was　so　near　to　being　entirely　dead　that　I　knew　in　all

absoluteness　that　by　a　quick　concentration　of　will　on　the　yet…alive

patch　of　my　torso　it；　too；　would　cease　to　be。　　Butand　here　was　the

problem；　and　Morrell　had　not　warned　me：　　should　I　also　will　my　head

to　be　dead？　　If　I　did　so；　no　matter　what　befell　the　spirit　of

Darrell　Standing；　would　not　the　body　of　Darrell　Standing　be　for　ever

dead？



I　chanced　the　chest　and　the　slow…beating　heart。　　The　quick

compulsion　of　my　will　was　rewarded。　　I　no　longer　had　chest　nor

heart。　　I　was　only　a　mind；　a　soul；　a　consciousnesscall　it　what　you

willincorporate　in　a　nebulous　brain　that；　while　it　still　centred

inside　my　skull；　was　expanded；　and　was　continuing　to　expand；　beyond

my　skull。



And　then；　with　flashings　of　light；　I　was　off　and　away。　　At　a　bound　I

had　vaulted　prison　roof　　and　California　sky；　and　was　among　the

stars。　　I　say　〃stars〃　advisedly。　　I　walked　among　the　stars。　　I　was　a

child。　　I　was　clad　in　frail；　fleece…like；　delicate…coloured　robes

that　shimmered　in　the　cool　starlight。　　These　robes；　of　course；　were

based　upon　my　boyhood　observance　of　circus　actors　and　my　boyhood

conception　of　the　garb　of　young　angels。



Nevertheless；　thus　clad；　I　trod　interstellar　space；　exalted　by　the

knowledge　that　I　was　bound　on　vast　adventure；　where；　at　the　end；　I

would　find　all　the　cosmic　formulae　and　have　made　clear　to　me　the

ultimate　secret　of　the　universe。　　In　my　hand　I　carried　a　long　glass

wand。　　It　was　borne　in　upon　me　that　with　the　tip　of　this　wand　I　must

touch　each　star　in　passing。　　And　I　knew；　in　all　absoluteness；　that

did　I　but　miss　one　star　I　should　be　precipitated　into　some

unplummeted　abyss　of　unthinkable　and　eternal　punishment　and　guilt。



Long　I　pursued　my　starry　quest。　　When　I　say　〃long；〃　you　must　bear　in

mind　the　enormous　extension　of　time　that　had　occurred　in　my　brain。

For　centuries　I　trod　space；　with　the　tip　of　my　wand　and　with

unerring　eye　and　hand　tapping　each　star　I　passed。　　Ever　the　way　grew

brighter。　　Ever　the　ineffable　goal　of　infinite　wisdom　grew　nearer。

And　yet　I　made　no　mistake。　　This　was　no　other　self　of　mine。　　This

was　no　experience　that　had　once　been　mine。　　I　was　aware　all　the　time

that　it　was　I；　Darrell　Standing；　who　walked　among　the　stars　and

tapped　them　with　a　wand　of　glass。　　In　short；　I　knew　that　here　was

nothing　real；　nothing　that　had　ever　been　nor　could　ever　be。　　I　knew

that　it　was　nothing　else　than　a　ridiculous　orgy　of　the　imagination；

such　as　men　enjoy　in　drug　dreams；　in　delirium；　or　in　mere　ordinary

slumber。



And　then；　as　all　went　merry　and　well　with　me　on　my　celestial　quest；

the　tip　of　my　wand　missed　a　star；　and　on　the　instant　I　knew　I　had

been　guilty　of　a　great　crime。　　And　on　the　instant　a　knock；　vast　and

compulsive；　inexorable　and　mandatory　as　the　stamp　of　the　iron　hoof

of　doom；　smote　me　and　reverberated　across　the　universe。　　The　whole

sidereal　system　coruscated；　reeled　and　fell　in　flame。



I　was　torn　by　an　exquisite　and　disruptive　agony。　　And　on　the　instant

I　was　Darrell　Standing；　the　life…convict；　lying　in　his　strait…jacket

in　solitary。　　And　I　knew　the　immediate　cause　of　that　summons。　　It

was　a　rap　of　the　knuckle　by　Ed　Morrell；　in　Cell　Five；　beginning　the

spelling　of　some　message。



And　now；　to　give　some　comprehension　of　the　extension　of　time　and

space　that　I　was　experiencing。　　Many　days　afterwards　I　asked　Morrell

what　he　had　tried　to　convey　to　me。　　It　was　a　simple　message；　namely：

〃Standing；　are　you　there？〃　　He　had　tapped　it　rapidly；　while　the

guard　was　at　the　far　end　of　the　corridor　into　which　the　solitary

cells　opened。　　As　I　say；　he　had　tapped　the　message　very　rapidly。

And　now　behold！　　Between　the　first　tap　and　the　second　I　was　off　and

away　among　the　stars；　clad　in　fleecy　garments；　touching　each　star　as

I　passed　in　my　pursuit　of　the　formulae　that　would　explain　the　last

mystery　of　life。　　And；　as　before；　I　pursued　the　quest　for　centuries。

Then　came　the　summons；　the　stamp　of　the　hoof　of　doom；　the　exquisite

disruptive　agony；　and　again　I　was　back　in　my　cell　in　San　Quentin。

It　was　the　second　tap　of　Ed　Morrell's　knuckle。　　The　interval　between

it　and　the　first　tap　could　have　been　no　more　than　a　fifth　of　a

second。　　And　yet；　so　unthinkably　enormous　was　the　extension　of　time

to　me；　that　in　the　course　of　that　fifth　of　a　second　I　had　been　away

star…roving　for　long　ages。



Now　I　know；　my　reader；　that　the　foregoing　seems　all　a　farrago。　　I

agree　with　you。　　It　is　farrago。　　It　was　experience；　however。　　It　was

just　as　real　to　me　as　is　the　snake　beheld　by　a　man　in　delirium

tremens。



Possibly；　by　the　most　liberal　estimate；　it　may　have　taken　Ed　Morrell

two　minutes　to　tap　his　question。　　Yet；　to　me；　aeons　elapsed　between

the　first　tap　of　his　knuckle　and　the　last。　　No　longer　could　I　tread

my　starry　path　with　that　ineffable　pristine　joy；　for　my　way　was

beset　with　dread　of　the　inevitable　summons　that　would　rip　and　tear

me　as　it　jerked　me　back　to　my　straitjacket　hell。　　Thus　my　aeons　of

star…wandering　were　aeons　of　dread。



And　all　the　time　I　knew　it　was　Ed　Morrell's　knuckle　that　thus

cruelly　held　me　earth…bound。　　I　tried　to　speak　to　him；　to　ask　him　to

cease。　　But　so　thoroughly　had　I　eliminated　my　body　from　my

consciousness　that　I　was　unable　to　resurrect　it。　　My　body　lay　dead

in　the　jacket；　though　I　still　inhabited　the　skull。　　In　vain　I　strove

to　will　my　foot　to　tap　my　message　to　Morrell。　　I　reasoned　I　had　a

foot。　　And　yet；　so　thoroughly　had　I　carried　out　the　experiment；　I

had　no　foot。



Nextand　I　know　now　that　it　was　because　Morrell　had　spelled　his

message　quite　outI　pursued　my　way　among　the　stars　and　was　not

called　back。　　After　that；　and　in　the　course　of　it；　I　was　aware；

drowsily；　that　I　was　falling　asleep；　and　that　it　was　delicious

sleep。　　From　time　to　time；　drowsily；　I　stirredplease；　my　reader；

don't　miss　that　verbI　STIRRED。　　I　moved　my　legs；　my　arms。　　I　was

aware　of　clean；　soft　bed　linen　against　my　skin。　　I　was　aware　of

bodily　well…being。　　Oh；　it　was　delicious！　　As　thirsting　men　on　the

desert　dream　of　splashing　fountains　and　flowing　wells；　so　dreamed　I

of　easement　from　the　constriction　of　the　jacket；　of　cleanliness　in

the　place　of　filth；　of　smooth　velvety　skin　of　health　in　place　of　my

poor　parchment…crinkled　hide。　　But　I　dreamed　with　a　difference；　as

you　shall　see。



I　awoke。　　Oh；　broad　and　wide　awake　I　was；　although　I　did　not　open　m