the story of my heart-第6章

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tomed　the　mind。　Such；　for　instance；　as　the　toad。　At　its
shapeless　shape　appearing　in　an　unexpected　corner　many　people
start　and　exclaim。　They　are　aware　that　they　shall　receive　no
injury　from　it；　yet　it　affrights　them；　it　sends　a　shock　to　the
mind。　The　reason　lies　in　its　obviously　anti…human　character。
All　the　designless；　formless　chaos　of　chance…directed　matter；
without　idea　or　human　plan；　squats　there　embodied　in　the
pathway。　By　watching　the　creature；　and　convincing　the　mind
from　observation　that　it　is　harmless；　and　even　has　uses；　the
horror　wears　away。　But　still　remains　the　form　to　which　the
mind　can　never　reconcile　itself。　Carved　in　wood　it　is　still
repellent。

Or　suddenly　there　is　a　rustle　like　a　faint　hiss　in　the　grass；
and　a　green　snake　glides　over　the　bank。　The　breath　in　the
chest　seems　to　lose　its　vitality；　for　an　instant　the　nerves
refuse　to　transmit　the　force　of　life。　The　gliding　yellow…streaked　worm　is　so
utterly　opposed　to　the　ever　present　Idea　in　the　mind。　Custom　may　reduce　the
horror；　but　no　long　pondering　can　ever　bring　that　creature　within　the　pale
of　the　human　Idea。　These　are　so　distinctly　opposite　and　anti…human　that
thousands　of　years　have　not　sufficed　to　soften　their　outline。　Various
insects　and　creeping　creatures　excite　the　same　sense　in　lesser　degrees。
Animals　and　birds　in　general　do　not。　The　tiger　is　dreaded；　but　causes　no
disgust。　The　exception　is　in　those　that　feed　on　offal。　Horses　and　dogs　we
love；　we　not　only　do　not　recognise　anything　opposite　in　them；　we　come　to
love　them。

They　are　useful　to　us；　they　show　more　or　less　sympathy　with　us；
they　possess；　especially　the　horse；　a　certain　grace　of　movement。
A　gloss；　as　it　were；　is　thrown　over　them　by　these　attributes　and
by　familiarity。　The　shape　of　the　horse　to　the　eye　has　become
conventional：　it　is　accepted。　Yet　the　horse　is　not　in　any
sense　human。　Could　we　look　at　it　suddenly；　without　previous
acquaintance；　as　at　strange　fishes　in　a　tank；　the　ultra…human
character　of　the　horse　would　be　apparent。　It　is　the　curves　of
the　neck　and　body　that　carry　the　horse　past　without　adverse
comment。　Examine　the　hind　legs　in　detail；　and　the　curious
backward　motion；　the　shape　and　anti…human　curves　become　apparent。
Dogs　take　us　by　their　intelligence；　but　they　have　no　hand；　pass
the　hand　over　the　dog's　head；　and　the　shape　of　the　skull　to　the
sense　of　feeling　is　almost　as　repellent　as　the　form　of　the　toad
to　the　sense　of　sight。　We　have　gradually　gathered　around　us　all
the　creatures　that　are　less　markedly　anti…human；　horses　and　dogs
and　birds；　but　they　are　still　themselves。　They　originally
existed　like　the　wheat；　for　themselves；　we　utilise　them；　but　they　are　not　of
us。

There　is　nothing　human　in　any　living　animal。　All　nature；　the　universe　as　far
as　we　see；　is　anti…　or　ultra…human；　outside；　and　has　no　concern　with　man。
These　things　are　unnatural　to　him。　By　no　course　of　reasoning；　however
tortuous；　can　nature　and　the　universe　be　fitted　to　the　mind。　　Nor　can　the
mind　be　fitted　to　the　cosmos。　My　mind　cannot　be　twisted　to　it；　I　am　separate
altogether　from　these　designless　things。　The　soul　cannot　be　wrested　down　to
them。　The　laws　of　nature　are　of　no　importance　to　it。　I　refuse　to　be　bound　by
the　laws　of　the　tides；　nor　am　I　so　bound。　Though　bodily　swung　round　on　this
rotating　globe；　my　mind　always　remains　in　the　centre。　　No　tidal　law；　no
rotation；　no　gravitation　can　control　my　thought。

Centuries　of　thought　have　failed　to　reconcile　and　fit　the　mind
to　the　universe；　which　is　designless；　and　purposeless；　and
without　idea。　I　will　not　endeavour　to　fit　my　thought　to　it　any　longer；　I
find　and　believe　myself　to　be　distinctseparate；　and　I　will　labour　in
earnest　to　obtain　the　highest　culture　for　myself。　　As　these　natural　things
have　no　connection　with　man；　it　follows　again　that　the　natural　is　the
strange　and　mysterious；　and　the　supernatural　the　natural。

There　being　nothing　human　in　nature　or　the　universe；　and　all
things　being　ultra…human　and　without　design；　shape；　or　purpose；
I　conclude　that；　no　deity　has　anything　to　do　with　nature。
There　is　no　god　in　nature；　nor　in　any　matter　anywhere；　either
in　the　clods　on　the　earth　or　in　the　composition　of　the　stars。
For　what　we　understand　by　the　deity　is　the　purest　form　of　Idea；
of　Mind；　and　no　mind　is　exhibited　in　these。　That　which
controls　them　is　distinct　altogether　from　deity。　It　is　not
force　in　the　sense　of　electricity；　nor　a　deity　as　god；　nor　a
spirit；　not　even　an　intelligence；　but　a　power　quite　different　to　anything
yet　imagined。　I　cease；　therefore；　to　look　for　deity　in　nature　or　the　cosmos
at　large；　or　to　trace　any　marks　of　divine　handiwork。　　I　search　for　traces　of
this　force　which　is　not　god；　and　is　certainly　not　the　higher　than　deity　of
whom　I　have　written。　It　is　a　force　without　a　mind。　I　wish　to　indicate
something　more　subtle　than　electricity；　but　absolutely　devoid　of
consciousness；　and　with　no　more　feeling　than　the　force　which　liftsthe　tides。

Next；　in　human　affairs；　in　the　relations　of　man　with　man；　in　the
conduct　of　life；　in　the　events　that　occur；　in　human　affairs
generally　everything　happens　by　chance。　No　prudence　in　conduct；
no　wisdom　or　foresight　can　effect　anything；　for　the　most　trivial
circumstance　will　upset　the　deepest　plan　of　the　wisest　mind。　As
Xenophon　observed　in　old　times；　wisdom　is　like　casting　dice　and
determining　your　course　by　the　number　that　appears。　Virtue；　humanity；　the
best　and　most　beautiful　conduct　is　wholly　in　vain。　The　history　of　thousands
of　years　demonstrates　it。　In　all　these　years　there　is　no　more　moving
instance　on　record　than　that　of　Danae；　when　she　was　dragged　to　the
precipice；　two　thousand　years　ago。　Sophron　was　governor　of　Ephesus；　and
Laodice　plotted　to　assassinate　him。　Danae　discovered　the　plot；and　warned
Sophron；　who　fled；　and　saved　his　life。　Laodicethe　murderess　in　intenthad
Danae　seized　and　cast　from　a　cliff。　On　the　verge　Danae　said　that　some
persons　despised　the　deity；　and　they　might　now　prove　the　justice　of　their
contempt　by　her　fate。　　For　having　saved　the　man　who　was　to　her　as　a　husband；
she　was　rewarded　in　this　way　with　cruel　death　by　the　deity；　but　Laodice　was
advanced　to　honour。　The　bitterness　of　these　words　remains　to　this　hour。

In　truth　the　deity；　if　responsible　for　such　a　thing；　or　for
similar　things　which　occur　now；　should　be　despised。　One　must
always　despise　the　fatuous　belief　in　such　a　deity。　But　as
everything　in　human　affairs　obviously　happens　by　chance；　it　is
clear　that　no　deity　is　responsible。　If　the　deity　guides　chance
in　that　manner；　then　let　the　deity　be　despised。　Apparently　the
deity　does　not　interfere；　and　all　things　happen　by　chance。　I
cease；　therefore；　to　look　for　traces　of　the　deity　in　life；
because　no　such　traces　exist。

I　conclude　that　there　is　an　existence；　a　something　higher　than
soulhigher；　better；　and　more　perfect　than　deity。　Earnestly　I
pray　to　find　this　something　better　than　a　god。　There　is　something　superior；
higher；more　good。　　For　this　I　search；　labour；　think；　and　pray。　If　after　all
there　be　nothing；　and　my　soul　has　to　go　out　like　a　flame；　yet　even　then　I
have　thought　this　while　it　lives。　With　the　whole　force　of　my　existence；　with
the　whole　force　of　my　thought；　mind；　and　soul；　I　pray　to　find　this　Highest
Soul；　this　greater　than　deity；　this　better　than　god。　Give　me　to　live　the
deepest　soul…life　now　and　always　with　this　Soul。　For　want　of　words　I　write
soul；　but　I　think　that　it　is　something　beyond　soul。

CHAPTER　V

IT　is　not　possible　to　narrate　these　incidents　of　the　mind　in
strict　order。　I　must　now　return　to　a　period　earlier　than
anything　already　narrated；　and　pass　in　review　other　phases　of　my
search　from　then　up　till　recently。　So　long　since　that　I　have
forgotten　the　date；　I　used　every　morning　to　visit　a　spot　where　I
could　get　a　clear　view　of　the　east。　Immediately　on　rising　I
went　out　to　some　elms；　thence　I　could　see　across　the　dewy　fields
to　the　distant　hill　over　or　near　which　the　sun　rose。　These　elms　partially
hid　me；　for　at　that　time　I　had　a　dislike　to　being　seen；　feeling　that　I
should　be　despised　if　I　was　noticed。　This　happened　once　or　twice；　and　I　knew
I　was　watched　contemptuously；
though　no　one　had　the　least　idea　of　my　object。　But　I　went
every　morning；　and　was　satisfied　if　I　could　get　two　or　three　minutes　to
think　unchecked。　Often　I　saw　the　sun　rise　over　the　line　of　the　hills；　but　if
it　was　summer　the　sun　had　been　up　a　long　time。

I　looked　at　the　hills；　at　the　dewy　grass；　and　then　up　through
the　elm　branches　to　the　sky。　In　a　moment　all　that　was　behind
me；　the　house；　the　people；　the　sounds；　seemed　to　disappear；　and　to　leave　me
alone。　Involuntarily　I　drew　a　long　breath；　then　I
breathed　slowly。　My　thought；　or　inner　consciousness；　went　up　through　the
illumined　sky；　and　I　was　lost　in　a　moment　of　exaltation。　This　only　lasted　a
very　short　time；　perhaps　only
part　of　a　second；　and　while　it　lasted　there　was　no　formulated　wish。　I　was
absorbed；　I　drank　the　beauty　of　the　morning；　I　was　exalted。　　When　it　ceased
I　did　wish　for　some　increase　or　enlargement　of　my　existence　to　correspond
with　the　largeness　of　feeling　I　had　momentarily　enjoyed。　Sometimes　the　wind
came　through　the　tops　of　the　elms；　and　the　slender　boughs　bent；　and　gazing
up　through　them；　and　beyond　the　fleecy　clouds；　I　felt　lifted　up。　The　light
coming　across　the　grass　and　leaving　itself　on　the　dew…drops；　the　sound　of
the　wind；　and　the　sense　of　mounting　to　the　lofty　heaven；　filled　me　with　a
deep　sigh；　a　wish　to　draw　something　out　of　the　beauty　of　it；　some　part　of
that　which　caused　my　admiration；　the　subtle　inner　essence。

Sometimes　the　green　tips　of　the　highest　boughs　seemed　gilded；
the　light　laid　a　gold　on　the　green。　Or　the　trees　bowed　to　a
stormy　wind　roaring　through　them；　the　grass　threw　itself　down；　and　in　the
east　broad　curtains　of　a　rosy　tint　stretched　along。　The　light　was　turned　to
redness　in　the　vapour；　and　rain　hid　the
summit　of　the　hill。　　In　the　rush　and　roar　of　the　stormy　wind　the
same　exaltation；　the　same　desire；　lifted　me　for　a　moment。　I　went　there　every
morning；　I　could　not　exactly　define　why；　it　was　like　going　to　a　rose　bush　to
taste　the　scent　of　the　flower　and　feel　the　dew　from　its　petals　on　the　lips。
But　I　desired　the　beautythe　inner　subtle　meaningto　be　in　me；　that　I
might　have　it；　and　with　it　an　existence　of　a　higher　kind。

Later　on　I　began　to　have　daily　pilgrimages　to　think　these　things。　There　was
a　feeling　that　I　must　go　somewhere；　and　be　alone。　It　was　a　necessity　to　have
a　few　minutes　of　this　separate　life　every　day；　my　mind　required　to　live　its
own　life　apart　from　other　things。　　A　great　oak　at　a　short　distance　was　one
resort；　and　sitting　on　the　grass　at　the　roots；　or　leaning　against　the　trunk
and　looking　over　the　quiet　meadows　towards　the　bright　southern　sky；　I　could
live　my　own　life　a　little　while。　Behind　the　trunk　I　was　alone；　I　liked　to
lean　against　it；　to　touch　the　lichenon　the　rough　bark。　　High　in　the　wood　of
branches　the　birds　were　not　alarmed；　they　sang；　or　called；　and　passed　to　and
fro　happily。　The　wind　moved　the　leaves；　and　they　replied　to　it　softly；　and
now　at　this　distance　of　time　I　can　see　the　fragments　of　sky　up　through　the
boughs。　Bees　were　always　humming　in　the　green　field；　ring…doves　went　over
swiftly；　flying　for　the　woods