the life of charlotte bronte-1-第44章

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t　think；　and　mourn；　and　wonder。

〃Feb。　20th；　1845。

〃I　spent　a　week　at　H。；　not　very　pleasantly；　headache；　sickliness；　and　flatness　of　spirits；　made　me　a　poor　companion；　a　sad　drag　on　the　vivacious　and　loquacious　gaiety　of　all　the　other　inmates　of　the　house。　　I　never　was　fortunate　enough　to　be　able　to　rally；　for　as　much　as　a　single　hour；　while　I　was　there。　　I　am　sure　all；　with　the　exception　perhaps　of　Mary；　were　very　glad　when　I　took　my　departure。　　I　begin　to　perceive　that　I　have　too　little　life　in　me；　now…a…days；　to　be　fit　company　for　any　except　very　quiet　people。　Is　it　age；　or　what　else；　that　changes　me　so？〃

Alas！　she　hardly　needed　to　have　asked　this　question。　　How　could　she　be　otherwise　than　〃flat…spirited；〃　〃a　poor　companion；〃　and　a　〃sad　drag〃　on　the　gaiety　of　those　who　were　light…hearted　and　happy！　　Her　honest　plan　for　earning　her　own　livelihood　had　fallen　away；　crumbled　to　ashes；　after　all　her　preparations；　not　a　pupil　had　offered　herself；　and；　instead　of　being　sorry　that　this　wish　of　many　years　could　not　be　realised；　she　had　reason　to　be　glad。　　Her　poor　father；　nearly　sightless；　depended　upon　her　cares　in　his　blind　helplessness；　but　this　was　a　sacred　pious　charge；　the　duties　of　which　she　was　blessed　in　fulfilling。　　The　black　gloom　hung　over　what　had　once　been　the　brightest　hope　of　the　familyover　Branwell；　and　the　mystery　in　which　his　wayward　conduct　was　enveloped。　　Somehow　and　sometime；　he　would　have　to　turn　to　his　home　as　a　hiding　place　for　shame；　such　was　the　sad　foreboding　of　his　sisters。　　Then　how　could　she　be　cheerful；　when　she　was　losing　her　dear　and　noble　〃Mary；〃　for　such　a　length　of　time　and　distance　of　space　that　her　heart　might　well　prophesy　that　it　was　〃for　ever〃？　　Long　before；　she　had　written　of　Mary　T。；　that　she　〃was　full　of　feelings　noble；　warm；　generous；　devoted；　and　profound。　God　bless　her！　　I　never　hope　to　see　in　this　world　a　character　more　truly　noble。　　She　would　die　willingly　for　one　she　loved。　　Her　intellect　and　attainments　are　of　the　very　highest　standard。〃　　And　this　was　the　friend　whom　she　was　to　lose！　　Hear　that　friend's　account　of　their　final　interview：…

〃When　I　last　saw　Charlotte　（Jan。　1845）；　she　told　me　she　had　quite　decided　to　stay　at　home。　　She　owned　she　did　not　like　it。　　Her　health　was　weak。　　She　said　she　should　like　any　change　at　first；　as　she　had　liked　Brussels　at　first；　and　she　thought　that　there　must　be　some　possibility　for　some　people　of　having　a　life　of　more　variety　and　more　communion　with　human　kind；　but　she　saw　none　for　her。　　I　told　her　very　warmly；　that　she　ought　not　to　stay　at　home；　that　to　spend　the　next　five　years　at　home；　in　solitude　and　weak　health；　would　ruin　her；　that　she　would　never　recover　it。　　Such　a　dark　shadow　came　over　her　face　when　I　said；　'Think　of　what　you'll　be　five　years　hence！'　that　I　stopped；　and　said；　'Don't　cry；　Charlotte！'　　She　did　not　cry；　but　went　on　walking　up　and　down　the　room；　and　said　in　a　little　while；　'But　I　intend　to　stay；　Polly。'〃

A　few　weeks　after　she　parted　from　Mary；　she　gives　this　account　of　her　days　at　Haworth。

〃March　24th；　1845。

〃I　can　hardly　tell　you　how　time　gets　on　at　Haworth。　　There　is　no　event　whatever　to　mark　its　progress。　　One　day　resembles　another；　and　all　have　heavy；　lifeless　physiognomies。　　Sunday；　baking…day；　and　Saturday；　are　the　only　ones　that　have　any　distinctive　mark。　Meantime；　life　wears　away。　　I　shall　soon　be　thirty；　and　I　have　done　nothing　yet。　　Sometimes　I　get　melancholy　at　the　prospect　before　and　behind　me。　　Yet　it　is　wrong　and　foolish　to　repine。　Undoubtedly；　my　duty　directs　me　to　stay　at　home　for　the　present。　There　was　a　time　when　Haworth　was　a　very　pleasant　place　to　me；　it　is　not　so　now。　　I　feel　as　if　we　were　all　buried　here。　　I　long　to　travel；　to　work；　to　live　a　life　of　action。　　Excuse　me；　dear；　for　troubling　you　with　my　fruitless　wishes。　　I　will　put　by　the　rest；　and　not　trouble　you　with　them。　　You　must　write　to　me。　　If　you　knew　how　welcome　your　letters　are；　you　would　write　very　often。　　Your　letters；　and　the　French　newspapers；　are　the　only　messengers　that　come　to　me　from　the　outer　world　beyond　our　moors；　and　very　welcome　messengers　they　are。〃

One　of　her　daily　employments　was　to　read　to　her　father；　and　it　required　a　little　gentle　diplomacy　on　her　part　to　effect　this　duty；　for　there　were　times　when　the　offer　of　another　to　do　what　he　had　been　so　long　accustomed　to　do　for　himself；　only　reminded　him　too　painfully　of　the　deprivation　under　which　he　was　suffering。　And；　in　secret；　she；　too；　dreaded　a　similar　loss　for　herself。　Long…continued　ill　health；　a　deranged　condition　of　the　liver；　her　close　application　to　minute　drawing　and　writing　in　her　younger　days；　her　now　habitual　sleeplessness　at　nights；　the　many　bitter　noiseless　tears　she　had　shed　over　Branwell's　mysterious　and　distressing　conductall　these　causes　were　telling　on　her　poor　eyes；　and　about　this　time　she　thus　writes　to　M。　Heger：…

〃Il　n'y　a　rien　que　je　crains　comme　le　desoeuvrement；　l'inertie；　la　lethargie　des　facultes。　　Quand　le　corps　est　paresseux　l'esprit　souffre　cruellement；　je　ne　connaitrais　pas　cette　lethargie；　si　je　pouvais　ecrire。　　Autrefois　je　passais　des　journees；　des　semaines；　des　mois　entiers　e　ecrire；　et　pas　tout…e…fait　sans　fruit；　puisque　Southey　et　Coleridge；　deux　de　nos　meilleurs　auteurs；　e　qui　j'ai　envoye　certains　manuscrits；　en　ont　bien　voulu　temoigner　leur　approbation；　mais　e　present；　j'ai　la　vue　trop　faible；　si　j'ecrivais　beaueoup　je　deviendrais　aveugle。　　Cette　faiblesse　de　vue　est　pour　moi　une　terrible　privation；　sans　cela；　savez…vous　ce　que　je　ferais；　Monsieur？　　J'ecrirais　un　livre　et　je　le　dedierais　e　mon　maitre　de　litterature；　au　seul　maitre　que　j'aie　jamais　eue　vous；　Monsieur！　　Je　vous　ai　dit　souvent　en　francais　combien　je　vous　respecte；　combien　je　suis　redevable　e　votre　bonte；　e　vos　conseils。　　Je　voudrais　le　dire　une　fois　en　anglais。　　Cela　ne　se　peut　pas；　il　ne　faut　pas　y　penser。　　La　carriere　des　lettres　m'est　fermee　。　。　。　N'oubliez　pas　de　me　dire　comment　vous　vous　portez；　comment　Madame　et　les　enfants　se　portent。　　Je　compte　bientot　avoir　de　vos　nouvelles；　cette　idee　me　souris；　car　le　souvenir　de　vos　bontes　ne　s'effacera　jamais　de　ma　memoire；　et　tant　que　ce　souvenir　durera；　le　respect　que　vous　m'avez　inspire　durera　aussi。　　Agreez；　Monsieur；〃　&c。


It　is　probable；　that　even　her　sisters　and　most　intimate　friends　did　not　know　of　this　dread　of　ultimate　blindness　which　beset　her　at　this　period。　　What　eyesight　she　had　to　spare　she　reserved　for　the　use　of　her　father。　　She　did　but　little　plain…sewing；　not　more　writing　than　could　be　avoided；　and　employed　herself　principally　in　knitting。

〃April　2nd；　1845。

〃I　see　plainly　it　is　proved　to　us　that　there　is　scarcely　a　draught　of　unmingled　happiness　to　be　had　in　this　world。　　…'s　illness　comes　with　…'s　marriage。　　Mary　T。　finds　herself　free；　and　on　that　path　to　adventure　and　exertion　to　which　she　has　so　long　been　seeking　admission。　　Sickness；　hardship；　danger　are　her　fellow　travellers　her　inseparable　companions。　　She　may　have　been　out　of　the　reach　of　these　S。　W。　N。　W。　gales；　before　they　began　to　blow；　or　they　may　have　spent　their　fury　on　land；　and　not　ruffled　the　sea　much。　　If　it　has　been　otherwise；　she　has　been　sorely　tossed；　while　we　have　been　sleeping　in　our　beds；　or　lying　awake　thinking　about　her。　　Yet　these　real；　material　dangers；　when　once　past；　leave　in　the　mind　the　satisfaction　of　having　struggled　with　difficulty；　and　overcome　it。　　Strength；　courage；　and　experience　are　their　invariable　results；　whereas；　I　doubt　whether　suffering　purely　mental　has　any　good　result；　unless　it　be　to　make　us　by　comparison　less　sensitive　to　physical　suffering　。　。　。　Ten　years　ago；　I　should　have　laughed　at　your　account　of　the　blunder　you　made　in　mistaking　the　bachelor　doctor　for　a　married　man。　　I　should　have　certainly　thought　you　scrupulous　over…much；　and　wondered　how　you　could　possibly　regret　being　civil　to　a　decent　individual；　merely　because　he　happened　to　be　single；　instead　of　double。　　Now；　however；　I　can　perceive　that　your　scruples　are　founded　on　common　sense。　　I　know　that　if　women　wish　to　escape　the　stigma　of　husband…seeking；　they　must　act　and　look　like　marble　or　claycold；　expressionless；　bloodless；　for　every　appearance　of　feeling；　of　joy；　sorrow；　friendliness；　antipathy；　admiration；　disgust；　are　alike　construed　by　the　world　into　the　attempt　to　hook　a　husband。　　Never　mind！　well…meaning　women　have　their　own　consciences　to　comfort　them　after　all。　　Do　not；　therefore；　be　too　much　afraid　of　showing　yourself　as　you　are；　affectionate　and　good…hearted；　do　not　too　harshly　repress　sentiments　and　feelings　excellent　in　themselves；　because　you　fear　that　some　puppy　may　fancy　that　you　are　letting　them　come　out　to　fascinate　him；　do　not　condemn　yourself　to　live　only　by　halves；　because　if　you　showed　too　much　animation　some　pragmatical　thing　in　breeches　might　take　it　into　his　pate　to　imagine　that　you　designed　to　dedicate　your　life　to　his　inanity。　　Still；　a　composed；　decent；　equable　deportment　is　a　capital　treasure　to　a　woman；　and　that　you　possess。　　Write　again　soon；　for　I　feel　rather　fierce；　and　want　stroking　down。〃

〃June　13th；　1845。

〃As　to　the　Mrs。　…；　who；　you　say；　is　like　me；　I　somehow　feel　no　leaning　to　her　at　all。　　I　never　do　to　people　who　are　said　to　be　like　me；　because　I　have　always　a　notion　that　they　are　only　like　me　in　the　disagreeable；　outside；　first…acquaintance　part　of　my　character；　in　those　points　which　are　obvious　to　the　ordinary　run　of　people；　and　which　I　know　are　not　pleasing。　　You　say　she　is　'clever''a　clever　person。'　　How　I　dislike　the　term！　　It　means　rather　a　shrewd；　very　ugly；　meddling；　talking　woman　。　。　。　I　feel　reluctant　to　leave　papa　for　a　single　day。　　His　sight　diminishes　weekly；　and　can　it　be　wondered　at　that；　as　he　sees　the　most　precious　of　his　faculties　leaving　him；　his　spirits　sometimes　sink？　It　is　so　hard　to　feel　that　his　few　and　scanty　pleasures　must　all　soon　go。　　He　has　now　the　greatest　difficulty　in　either　reading　or　writing；　and　then　he　dreads　the　state　of　dependence　to　which　blindness　will　inevitably　reduce　him。　　He　fears　that　he　will　be　nothing　in　his　parish。　　I　try　to　cheer　him；　sometimes　I　succeed　temporarily；　but　no　consolation　can　restore　his　sight；　or　atone　for　the　want　of　it。　　Still　he　is　never　peevish；　never　impatient；　only　anxious　and　dejected。〃


For　the　reason　just　given；　Charlotte　declined　an　invitation　to　the　only　house　to　which　she　was　now　ever　asked　to　come。　　In　answer　to　her　correspondent's　reply　to　this　letter；　she　says：…

〃You　thought　I　refused　you　coldly；　did　you？　　It　was　a　queer　sort　of　coldness；　when　I　would　have　given　my　ears　to　say　Yes；　and　was　obliged　to　say　No。　　Matters；　however；　are　now　a　little　changed。　Anne　is　come　home；　and　her　presence　certainly　makes　me　feel　more　at　liberty。　　Then；　if　all　be　well；　I　will　come　and　see　you。　　Tell　me　only　when　I　must　come。　　Mention　the　week　and　the　day。　　Have　the　kindness　also　to　answer　the　following　queries；　if　you　can。　　How　far　is　it　from　Leeds　to　Sheffield？　　Can　you　give　me　a　notion　of　the　cost？　　Of　course；　when　I　come；　you　will　let　me　enjoy　your　own　company　in　peace；　and　not　drag　me　out　a　visiting。　　I　have　no　desire　at　all　to　see　your　curate。　　I　think　he　must　be　like　all　the　other　curates　I　have　seen；　and　they　seem　to　me　a　self…seeking；　vain；　empty　race。　　At　this　blessed　moment；　we　have　no　less　than　three　of　them　in　Haworth