the works of edgar allan poe-3-第48章

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Mademoiselle　Croissart；　she　marry　von　Monsieur　Froissart；　and　I
suppose　you　say　dat　dat　is　not　von　ver　respectaable　name。…〃

〃Froissart！〃　said　I；　beginning　to　faint；　〃why；　surely　you　don't　say
Moissart；　and　Voissart；　and　Croissart；　and　Froissart？〃

〃Yes；〃　she　replied；　leaning　fully　back　in　her　chair；　and　stretching
out　her　lower　limbs　at　great　length；　〃yes；　Moissart；　and　Voissart；
and　Croissart；　and　Froissart。　But　Monsieur　Froissart；　he　vas　von　ver
big　vat　you　call　fool　　he　vas　von　ver　great　big　donce　like　yourself
　for　he　lef　la　belle　France　for　come　to　dis　stupide　Amerique…　and
ven　he　get　here　he　went　and　ave　von　ver　stupide；　von　ver；　ver　stupide
sonn；　so　I　hear；　dough　I　not　yet　av　ad　de　plaisir　to　meet　vid　him　
neither　me　nor　my　companion；　de　Madame　Stephanie　Lalande。　He　is　name
de　Napoleon　Bonaparte　Froissart；　and　I　suppose　you　say　dat　dat；　too；
is　not　von　ver　respectable　name。〃

Either　the　length　or　the　nature　of　this　speech；　had　the　effect　of
working　up　Mrs。　Simpson　into　a　very　extraordinary　passion　indeed；　and
as　she　made　an　end　of　it；　with　great　labor；　she　lumped　up　from　her
chair　like　somebody　bewitched；　dropping　upon　the　floor　an　entire
universe　of　bustle　as　she　lumped。　Once　upon　her　feet；　she　gnashed　her
gums；　brandished　her　arms；　rolled　up　her　sleeves；　shook　her　fist　in
my　face；　and　concluded　the　performance　by　tearing　the　cap　from　her
head；　and　with　it　an　immense　wig　of　the　most　valuable　and　beautiful
black　hair；　the　whole　of　which　she　dashed　upon　the　ground　with　a
yell；　and　there　trammpled　and　danced　a　fandango　upon　it；　in　an
absolute　ecstasy　and　agony　of　rage。

Meantime　I　sank　aghast　into　the　chair　which　she　had　vacated。
〃Moissart　and　Voissart！〃　I　repeated；　thoughtfully；　as　she　cut　one　of
her　pigeon…wings；　and　〃Croissart　and　Froissart！〃　as　she　completed
another　　〃Moissart　and　Voissart　and　Croissart　and　Napoleon
Bonaparte　Froissart！　　why；　you　ineffable　old　serpent；　that's　me　
that's　me　　d'ye　hear？　that's　me〃　　here　I　screamed　at　the　top　of
my　voice　　〃that's　me…e…e！　I　am　Napoleon　Bonaparte　Froissart！　and　if
I　havn't　married　my　great；　great；　grandmother；　I　wish　I　may　be
everlastingly　confounded！〃

Madame　Eugenie　Lalande；　quasi　Simpson　　formerly　Moissart　　was；　in
sober　fact；　my　great；　great；　grandmother。　In　her　youth　she　had　been
beautiful；　and　even　at　eighty…two；　retained　the　majestic　height；　the
sculptural　contour　of　head；　the　fine　eyes　and　the　Grecian　nose　of　her
girlhood。　By　the　aid　of　these；　of　pearl…powder；　of　rouge；　of　false
hair；　false　teeth；　and　false　tournure；　as　well　as　of　the　most　skilful
modistes　of　Paris；　she　contrived　to　hold　a　respectable　footing　among
the　beauties　en　peu　passees　of　the　French　metropolis。　In　this
respect；　indeed；　she　might　have　been　regarded　as　little　less　than　the
equal　of　the　celebrated　Ninon　De　L'Enclos。

She　was　immensely　wealthy；　and　being　left；　for　the　second　time；　a
widow　without　children；　she　bethought　herself　of　my　existence　in
America；　and　for　the　purpose　of　making　me　her　heir；　paid　a　visit　to
the　United　States；　in　company　with　a　distant　and　exceedingly　lovely
relative　of　her　second　husband's　　a　Madame　Stephanie　Lalande。

At　the　opera；　my　great；　great；　grandmother's　attention　was　arrested
by　my　notice；　and；　upon　surveying　me　through　her　eye…glass；　she　was
struck　with　a　certain　family　resemblance　to　herself。　Thus　interested；
and　knowing　that　the　heir　she　sought　was　actually　in　the　city；　she
made　inquiries　of　her　party　respecting　me。　The　gentleman　who　attended
her　knew　my　person；　and　told　her　who　I　was。　The　information　thus
obtained　induced　her　to　renew　her　scrutiny；　and　this　scrutiny　it　was
which　so　emboldened　me　that　I　behaved　in　the　absurd　manner　already
detailed。　She　returned　my　bow；　however；　under　the　impression　that；　by
some　odd　accident；　I　had　discovered　her　identity。　When；　deceived　by
my　weakness　of　vision；　and　the　arts　of　the　toilet；　in　respect　to　the
age　and　charms　of　the　strange　lady；　I　demanded　so　enthusiastically　of
Talbot　who　she　was；　he　concluded　that　I　meant　the　younger　beauty；　as
a　matter　of　course；　and　so　informed　me；　with　perfect　truth；　that　she
was　〃the　celebrated　widow；　Madame　Lalande。〃

In　the　street；　next　morning；　my　great；　great；　grandmother　encountered
Talbot；　an　old　Parisian　acquaintance；　and　the　conversation；　very
naturally　turned　upon　myself。　My　deficiencies　of　vision　were　then
explained；　for　these　were　notorious；　although　I　was　entirely　ignorant
of　their　notoriety；　and　my　good　old　relative　discovered；　much　to　her
chagrin；　that　she　had　been　deceived　in　supposing　me　aware　of　her
identity；　and　that　I　had　been　merely　making　a　fool　of　myself　in
making　open　love；　in　a　theatre；　to　an　old　woman　unknown。　By　way　of
punishing　me　for　this　imprudence；　she　concocted　with　Talbot　a　plot。
He　purposely　kept　out　of　my　way　to　avoid　giving　me　the　introduction。
My　street　inquiries　about　〃the　lovely　widow；　Madame　Lalande；〃　were
supposed　to　refer　to　the　younger　lady；　of　course；　and　thus　the
conversation　with　the　three　gentlemen　whom　I　encountered　shortly
after　leaving　Talbot's　hotel　will　be　easily　explained；　as　also　their
allusion　to　Ninon　De　L'Enclos。　I　had　no　opportunity　of　seeing　Madame
Lalande　closely　during　daylight；　and；　at　her　musical　soiree；　my　silly
weakness　in　refusing　the　aid　of　glasses　effectually　prevented　me　from
making　a　discovery　of　her　age。　When　〃Madame　Lalande〃　was　called　upon
to　sing；　the　younger　lady　was　intended；　and　it　was　she　who　arose　to
obey　the　call；　my　great；　great；　grandmother；　to　further　the
deception；　arising　at　the　same　moment　and　accompanying　her　to　the
piano　in　the　main　drawing…room。　Had　I　decided　upon　escorting　her
thither；　it　had　been　her　design　to　suggest　the　propriety　of　my
remaining　where　I　was；　but　my　own　prudential　views　rendered　this
unnecessary。　The　songs　which　I　so　much　admired；　and　which　so
confirmed　my　impression　of　the　youth　of　my　mistress；　were　executed　by
Madame　Stephanie　Lalande。　The　eyeglass　was　presented　by　way　of　adding
a　reproof　to　the　hoax　　a　sting　to　the　epigram　of　the　deception。　Its
presentation　afforded　an　opportunity　for　the　lecture　upon　affectation
with　which　I　was　so　especially　edified。　It　is　almost　superfluous　to
add　that　the　glasses　of　the　instrument；　as　worn　by　the　old　lady；　had
been　exchanged　by　her　for　a　pair　better　adapted　to　my　years。　They
suited　me；　in　fact；　to　a　T。

The　clergyman；　who　merely　pretended　to　tie　the　fatal　knot；　was　a　boon
companion　of　Talbot's；　and　no　priest。　He　was　an　excellent　〃whip；〃
however；　and　having　doffed　his　cassock　to　put　on　a　great…coat；　he
drove　the　hack　which　conveyed　the　〃happy　couple〃　out　of　town。　Talbot
took　a　seat　at　his　side。　The　two　scoundrels　were　thus　〃in　at　the
death；〃　and　through　a　half…open　window　of　the　back　parlor　of　the　inn；
amused　themselves　in　grinning　at　the　denouement　of　the　drama。　I
believe　I　shall　be　forced　to　call　them　both　out。

Nevertheless；　I　am　not　the　husband　of　my　great；　great；　grandmother；
and　this　is　a　reflection　which　affords　me　infinite　relief；　　but　I
am　the　husband　of　Madame　Lalande　　of　Madame　Stephanie　Lalande　
with　whom　my　good　old　relative；　besides　making　me　her　sole　heir　when
she　dies　　if　she　ever　does　　has　been　at　the　trouble　of　concocting
me　a　match。　In　conclusion：　I　am　done　forever　with　billets　doux　and　am
never　to　be　met　without　SPECTACLES。

~~~　End　of　Text　~~~



KING　PEST。

A　Tale　Containing　an　Allegory。

The　gods　do　bear　and　will　allow　in　kings
The　things　which　they　abhor　in　rascal　routes。

　　　　　　　　　_Buckhurst's　Tragedy　of　Ferrex　and　Porrex。_

ABOUT　twelve　o'clock；　one　night　in　the　month　of　October；　and　during
the　chivalrous　reign　of　the　third　Edward；　two　seamen　belonging　to　the
crew　of　the　〃Free　and　Easy；〃　a　trading　schooner　plying　between　Sluys
and　the　Thames；　and　then　at　anchor　in　that　river；　were　much
astonished　to　find　themselves　seated　in　the　tap…room　of　an　ale…house
in　the　parish　of　St。　Andrews；　London　　which　ale…house　bore　for　sign
the　portraiture　of　a　〃Jolly　Tar。〃

The　room；　although　ill…contrived；　smoke…blackened；　low…pitched；　and
in　every　other　respect　agreeing　with　the　general　character　of　such
places　at　the　period　　was；　nevertheless；　in　the　opinion　of　the
grotesque　groups　scattered　here　and　there　within　it；　sufficiently
well　adapted　to　its　purpose。

Of　these　groups　our　two　seamen　formed；　I　think；　the　most　interesting；
if　not　the　most　conspicuous。

The　one　who　appeared　to　be　the　elder；　and　whom　his　companion
addressed　by　the　characteristic　appellation　of　〃Legs；〃　was　at　the
same　time　much　the　taller　of　the　two。　He　might　have　measured　six　feet
and　a　half；　and　an　habitual　stoop　in　the　shoulders　seemed　to　have
been　the　necessary　consequence　of　an　altitude　so　enormous。　
Superfluities　in　height　were；　however；　more　than　accounted　for　by
deficiencies　in　other　respects。　He　was　exceedingly　thin；　and　might；
as　his　associates　asserted；　have　answered；　when　drunk；　for　a　pennant
at　the　mast…head；　or；　when　sober；　have　served　for　a　jib…boom。　But
these　jests；　and　others　of　a　similar　nature；　had　evidently　produced；
at　no　time；　any　effect　upon　the　cachinnatory　muscles　of　the　tar。　With
high　cheek…bones；　a　large　hawk…nose；　retreating　chin；　fallen
under…jaw；　and　huge　protruding　white　eyes；　the　expression　of　his
countenance；　although　tinged　with　a　species　of　dogged　indifference　to
matters　and　things　in　general；　was　not　the　less　utterly　solemn　and
serious　beyond　all　attempts　at　imitation　or　description。

The　younger　seaman　was；　in　all　outward　appearance；　the　converse　of
his　companion。　His　stature　could　not　have　exceeded　four　feet。　A　pair
of　stumpy　bow…legs　supported　his　squat；　unwieldy　figure；　while　his
unusually　short　and　thick　arms；　with　no　ordinary　fists　at　their
extremities；　swung　off　dangling　from　his　sides　like　the　fins　of　a
sea…turtle。　Small　eyes；　of　no　particular　color；　twinkled　far　back　in
his　head。　His　nose　remained　buried　in　the　mass　of　flesh　which
enveloped　his　round；　full；　and　purple　face；　and　his　thick　upper…lip
rested　upon　the　still　thicker　one　beneath　with　an　air　of　complacent
self…satisfaction；　much　heightened　by　the　owner's　habit　of　licking
them　at　intervals。　He　evidently　regarded　his　tall　shipmate　with　a
feeling　half…wondrous；　half…quizzical；　and　stared　up　occasionally　in
his　face　as　the　red　setting　sun　stares　up　at　the　crags　of　Ben　Nevis。

Various　and　eventful；　however；　had　been　the　peregrinations　of　the
worthy　couple　in　and　about　the　different　tap…houses　of　the
neighbourhood　during　the　earlier　hours　of　the　night。　Funds　even　the
most　ample；　are　not　always　everlasting：　and　it　was　with　empty　pockets
our　friends　had　ventured　upon　the　present　hostelrie。

At　the　precise　period；　then；　when　this　history　properly　commences；
Legs；　and　his　fellow　Hugh　Tarpaulin；　sat；　each　with　both　elbows
resting　upon　the　large　oaken　table　in　the　middle　of　the　floor；　and
with　a　hand　upon　either　cheek。　They　were　eyeing；　from　behind　a　huge
flagon　of　unpaid…for　〃humming…stuff；〃　the　portentous　words；　〃No
Chalk；〃　which　to　their　indignation　and　astonishment　were　scored　over
the　doorway　by　means　of　that　very　mineral　whose　presence　they
purported　to　deny。　Not　that　the　gift　of　decyphering　written
characters　　a　gift　among　the　commonalty　of　that　day　considered
little　less　cabalistical　than　t