安妮日记英文版_安妮·弗兰克-第34章

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oe！

we　think　mr。　kugler　should　go　directly　to　a　reliable　doctor　for　a　medical　certificate　of　ill　health；　which　he　can　present　to　the　city　hall　in　hilversum。　the　warehouse　　employees　have　been　given　a　day　off　tomorrow；　so　bep　will　be　alone　in　the　office。　if　（theres　another　〃if）　bep　has　to　stay　home；　the　door　will　remain　locked　and　well　have

to　be　as　quiet　as　mice　so　the　keg　pany　wont　hear　us。　at　one　oclock　jan　will　e　for　half　an　hour　to　check　on　us　poor　forsaken　souls；　like　a　zookeeper。

this　afternoon；　for　the　first　time　in　ages；　jan　gave　us　some　news　of　the　outside　world。　you　should　have　seen　us　gathered　around　him；　it　looked　exactly　like　a　print：

〃at　grandmothers　knee。鈥�

he　regaled　his　grateful　audience　with　talk　of…what　else？…food。　mrs。　p。；　a　friend　of　mieps；　has　been　cooking　his　meals。　the　day　before　yesterday　jan　ate　carrots　with　green　peas；　yesterday　he　had　the　leftovers；　today　shes　cooking　marrowfat　peas；　and　tomorrow　shes　plan…　ning　to　mash　the　remaining　carrots　with　potatoes。

we　asked　about　mieps　doctor。

〃doctor？〃　said　jan。　〃what　doctor？　i　called　him　this　morning　and　got　his　secretary　on　the　line。　i　asked　for　a　flu　prescription　and　was　told　i　could　e　pick　it　up　tomor…　row　morning　between　eight　and　nine。　if　youve　got　a　particularly　bad　case　of　flu；　the　doctor　himself　es　to　the　phone　and　says；　stick　out　your　tongue　and　say　〃aah。鈥�

oh；　i　can　hear　it；　your　throats　infected。　ill　write　out　a　prescription　and　you　can　bring　it　to　the　phar…　macy。　good　day。　and　thats　that。　easy　job　hes　got；　diagnosis　by　phone。　but　i　shouldnt　blame　the　doctors。〃　after　all；　a　person　has　only　two　hands；　and　these　days　therere　too　many　patients　and　too　few　doctors。鈥�

still；　we　all　had　a　good　laugh　at　jans　phone　call。　i　can　just　imagine　what　a　doctors　waiting　room　looks　like　these　days。　doctors　no　longer　turn　up　their　noses　at　the　poorer　patients；　but　at　those　with　minor　illnesses。　〃hey；　what　are　you　doing　here？鈥�

they　think。　〃go　to　the　end　of　the　line；　real　patients　have　priority！鈥�

yours；　anne　

thursday；　march　16；　1944

dearest　kitty；

the　weather　is　gorgeous；　indescribably　beautiful；　ill　be　going　up　to　the　attic　in　a　moment。

i　now　know　why　im　so　much　more　restless　than　peter。　he　has　his　own　room；　where　he　can　work；　dream；　think　and　sleep。　im　constantly　being　chased　from　one　corner　to　another。　im　never　alone　in　the　room　i　share　with　dussel；　though　i　long　to　be　so　much。　thats　another　reason　i　take　refuge　in　the　attic。　when　im　there；　or　with　you；　i

can　be　myself；　at　least　for　a　little　while。　still；　i　dont　want　to　moan　and　groan。　on　the　contrary；　i　want　to　be　brave！

thank　goodness　the　others　notice　nothing　of　my　innermost　feelings；　except　that　every　day　im　growing　cooler　and　more　contemptuous　of　mother；　less　affection…　ate　to　father　and　less　willing　to　share　a　single　thought　with　margot；　im　closed　up　tighter　than　a　drum。　above　all；　i　have　to　maintain　my　air　of　confidence。　no　one　must　know　that　my　heart　and　mind　are　constantly　at　war　with　each　other。　up　to　now　reason　has　always　won　the　battle；　but　will　my　emotions　get　the　upper　hand？　sometimes　i　fear　they　will；　but　more　often　i　actually　hope　they　do！

oh；　its　so　terribly　hard　not　to　talk　to　peter　about　these　things；　but　i　know　i　have　to　let　him　begin；　its　so　hard　to　act　during　the　daytime　as　if　everything　ive　said　and　done　in　my　dreams　had　never　taken　place！　kitty；　anne　is　crazy；　but　then　these　are　crazy　times　and　even　crazier　circumstances。

the　nicest　part　is　being　able　to　write　down　all　my　thoughts　and　feelings；　otherwise；　id　absolutely　suffocate。　i　wonder　what　peter　thinks　about　all　these　things？　i　keep　thinking　ill　be　able　to　talk　to　him　about　them　one　day。　he　must　have　guessed　something　about　the　inner　me；　since　he　couldnt　possibly　love　the　outer　anne　hes　known　so　far！　how　could　someone　like　peter；　who　loves　peace　and　quiet；　possibly　stand　my　bustle　and　noise？　will　he　be　the　first　and　only　person　to　see　whats　beneath　my　granite　mask？　will　it　take　him　long？　isnt　there　some　old　saying　about　love　being　akin　to　pity？　isnt　that　whats　happening　here　as　well？　because　i　often　pity　him　as　much　as　i　do　myself！

i　honestly　dont　know　how　to　begin；　i　really　dont；　so　how　can　i　expect　peter　to　when　talking　is　so　much　harder　for　him？　if　only　i　could　write　to　him；　then　at　least　hed　know　what　i　was　trying　to　say；　since　its　so　hard　to　say　it　out　loud！

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

friday；　march　17；　1944

my　dearest　darling；　everything　turned　out　all　right　after　all；　bep　just　had　a　sore　throat；　not　the　flu；　and　mr。　kugler　got　a　medical　certificate　to　excuse　him　from　the　work　detail。　the　entire　annex　breathed　a　huge　sigh　of　relief。　everythings　fine　here！　except　that　margot　and　i　are　rather　tired　of　our　parents。

dont　get　me　wrong。　i　still　love　father　as　much　as　ever　and　margot　loves　both　father　and　mother；　but　when　youre　as　old　as　we　are；　you　want　to　make　a　few　decisions　for　yourself；　get　out　from　under　their　thumb。　whenever　i　go　upstairs；　they　ask　what　im　going　to　do；　they　wont　let　me　salt　my　food；　mother　asks　me　every　evening　at　eight…fifteen　if　it　isnt　time　for　me　to　change　into　my　nighty；　i　and　they　have　to　approve　every　book　i　read。　i　must　admit；　theyre　not　at　all　strict　about　that　and　let　me　read　nearly　everything；　but　margot　and　i　are　sick　and　tired　of　having　to　listen　to　their　ments　and　questions　all　day　long。

theres　something　else　that　displeases　them：　i　no　longer　feel　like　giving　them　little　kisses　morning；　noon　and　night。　all　those　cute　nicknames　seem　so　affected；　and　fathers　fondness　for　talking　about　farting　and　going　to　the　bathroom　is　disgusting。　in　short；　id　like　nothing　better　than　to　do　without　their　pany　for　a　while；　and　they　dont　understand　that。　not　that　margot　and　i　have　ever　said　any　of　this　to　them。　what　would　be　the　point？　they　wouldnt　understand　anyway。

margot　said　last　night；　〃what　really　bothers　me　is　that　if　you　happen　to　put　your　head　in　your　hands　and　sigh　once　or　twice；　they　immediately　ask　whether　you　have　a　headache　or　dont　feel　well。鈥�

for　both　of　us；　its　been　quite　a　blow　to　suddenly　realize　that　very　little　remains　of　the　close　and　harmoni…　ous　family　we　used　to　have　at　home！　this　is　mostly　because　everythings　out　of　kilter　here。　by　that　i　mean　that　were　treated　like　children　when　it　es　to　external　matters；　while；　inwardly；　were　much　older　than　other　girls　our　age。

even　though　im　only　fourteen；　i　know　what　i　want；　i　know　whos　right　and　whos　wrong；　i　have　my　own　opinions；　ideas　and　principles；　and　though　it　may　sound　odd　ing　from　a　teenager；　i　feel　im　more　of　a　person　than　a　child　　i　feel　im　pletely　independent　of　others。　i　know　im　better　at　debating　or　carrying　on　a　discussion　than　mother；　i　know　im　more　objective；　i　dont　exaggerate　as　much；　im　much　tidier　and　better　with　my　hands；　and　because　of　that　i　feel　（this　may　make　you　laugh）　that　im　superior　to　her　in　many　ways。　to　love　someone；　i　have　to　admire　and　respect　the　person；　but　i　feel　neither　respect　nor　admiration　for　mother！

everything　would　be　all　right　if　only　i　had　peter；　since　i　admire　him　in　many　ways。

hes　so　decent　and　clever！

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

saturday；　march　18；　1944

dearest　kitty；

ive　told　you　more　about　myself　and　my　feelings　than　ive　ever　told　a　living　soul；　so　why　shouldnt　that　include　sex？

parents；　and　people　in　general；　are　very　peculiar　when　it　es　to　sex。　instead　of　telling　their　sons　and　daughters　everything　at　the　age　of　twelve；　they　send　the　children　out　of　the　room　the　moment　the　subject　arises　and　leave　them　to　find　out　everything　on　their　own。　later　on；　when　parents　notice　that　their　children　have；　somehow；　e　by　their　information；　they　assume　they　know　more　（or　less）　than　they　actually　do。　so　why　dont　they　try　to　make　amends　by　asking　them　whats　what？

a　major　stumbling　block　for　the　adults　　though　in　my　opinion　its　no　more　than　a　pebble　　is　that　theyre　afraid　their　children　will　no　longer　look　upon　marriage　as　sacred　and　pure　once　they　realize　that；　in　most　cases；　this　purity　is　a　lot　of　nonsense。

as　far　as　im　concerned；　its　not　wrong　for　a　man　to　bring　a　little　experience　to　a　marriage。　after　all；　it　has　nothing　to　do　with　the　marriage　itself；　does　it？

soon　after　i　turned　eleven；　they　told　me　about　menstruation。　but　even　then；　i　had　no　idea　where　the　blood　came　from　or　what　it　was　for。　when　i　was　twelve　and　a　half；　i　learned　some　more　from　jacque；　who　wasnt　as　ignorant　as　i　was。　my　own　intuition　told　me　what　a　man　and　a　woman　do　when　theyre　together；　it　seemed　like　a　crazy　idea　at　first；　but　when　jacque　confirmed　it；　i　was　proud　of　myself　for　having　figured　it　out！

it　was　also　jacque　who　told　me　that　children　didnt　e　out　of　their　mothers　tummies。　as　she　put　it；　〃where　the　ingredients　go　in　is　where　the　finished　product　es　out！〃　jacque　and　i　found　out　about　the　hymen；　and　quite　a　few　other　details；　from　a　book　on　sex　education。　i　also　knew　that　you　could　keep　from　having　children；　but　how　that　worked　inside　your　body　remained　a　mystery。　when　i　came　here；　father　told　me　about　prostitutes；　etc。；　but　all　in　all　there　are　still　unanswered　questions。

if　mothers　dont　tell　their　children　everything；　they　hear　it　in　bits　and　pieces；　and　that　cant　be　right。

even　though　its　saturday；　im　not　bored！　thats　because　ive　been　up　in　the　attic　with　peter。　i　sat　there　dreaming　with　my　eyes　closed；　and　it　was　wonderful。

yours；　anne　

m。　frank

sunday；　march　19；　1944

dearest　kitty；

yesterday　was　a　very　important　day　for　me。　after　lunch　everything　was　as　usual。　at　five　i　put　on　the　potatoes；　and　mother　gave　me　some　blood　sausage　to　take　to　peter。

i　didnt　want　to　at　first；　but　i　finally　went。　he　wouldnt　accept　the　sausage；　and　i　had　the　dreadful　feel…　ing　it　was　still　because　of　that　argument　wed　had　about　distrust。

suddenly　i　couldnt　bear　it　a　moment　longer　and　my　eyes　filled　with　tears。　without　another　word；　i　re…　turned　the　platter　to　mother　and　went　to　the　bathroom　to　have　a　good　cry。　afterward　i　decided　to　talk　things　out　with　peter。　before　dinner　the　four　of　us　were　helping　him　with　a　crossword　puzzle；　so　i　couldnt　say　anything。　but　as　we　were　sitting　down　to　eat；　i　whispered　to　him；　〃are　you　going　to　practice　your　shorthand　tonight；　peter？鈥�

〃no；〃　was　his　reply。

〃id　like　to　talk　to　you　later　on。鈥�

he　agreed。

after　the　dishes　were　done；　i　went　to　his　room　and　asked　if　hed　refused　the　sausage　because　of　our　last　quar…　rel。　luckily；　that　wasnt　the　reason；　he　just　thought　it　was　bad　manners　to　seem　so　eager。　it　had　been　very　hot　downstairs　and　my　face　was　as　red　as　a　lobster。　so　after　taking　down　some　water　for　margot；　i　went　back　up　to　get　a　little　fresh　air。　for　the　sake　of　appearances；　i　first　went　and　stood　beside　the　van　daans　window　before　going　to　peters　room。　he　was　standing　on　the　left　side　of　the　open　window；　so　i　went　over　to　the　right　side。　its　much　easier　to　talk　next　to　an　open　window　in　semidarkness　than　in　broad　daylight；　and　i　think　peter　felt　the　same　way。　we　told　each　other　so　much；　so　very　much；　that　i　cant　repeat　it　all。　but　it　felt　good；　it　was　the　most　won…　derful　evening　ive　ever　had　in　the　annex。　ill　give　you　a　brief　description　of　the　various　subjects　we　touched　on。

first　we　talked　about　the　quarrels　and　how　i　see　them　in　a　very　different　light　these　days；　and