安妮日记英文版_安妮·弗兰克-第49章
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ve him tutor me； and his affection seems forced。 i want to be left alone； and id rather he ignored me for a while until im more sure of myself when im talking to him！ im still torn with guilt about the mean letter i wrote him when i was so upset。 oh； its hard to be strong and brave in every way！
。 。 。
still； this hasnt been my greatest disappointment。 no； i think about peter much more than i do father。 i know very well that he was my conquest； and not the other way around。 i created an image of him in my mind； pictured him as a quiet； sweet； sensitive boy badly in need of friendship and love！ i needed to pour out my heart to a living person。 i wanted a friend who would help me find my way again。 i acplished what i set out to do and drew him； slowly but surely； toward me。 when i finally got him to be my friend； it automatically developed into an intimacy that； when i think about it now； seems outrageous。 we talked about the most private things； but we havent yet touched upon the things closest to my heart。 i still cant make head or tail
of peter。 is he superficial； or is it shyness that holds him back； even with me？ but putting all that aside； i made one mistake： i used intimacy to get closer to him； and in doing so； i ruled out other forms of friendship。 he longs to be loved； and i can see hes beginning to like me more with each passing day。 our time together leaves him feeling satisfied； but just makes me want to start all over again。 i never broach the subjects i long to bring out into the open。 i forced peter； more than he realizes； to get close to me； and now hes holding on for dear life。 i honestly dont see any effective way of shaking him off and getting him back on his own two feet。 i soon realized he could never be a kindred spirit； but still tried to help him break out of his narrow world and expand his youthful horizons。
〃deep down； the young are lonelier than the old。〃 i read this in a book somewhere and its stuck in my mind。 as far as i can tell； its true。
so if youre wondering whether its harder for the adults here than for the children； the answer is no； its certainly not。 older people have an opinion about everything and are sure of themselves and their actions。 its twice as hard for us young people to hold on to our opinions at a time when ideals are being shattered and destroyed； when the worst side of human nature predominates； when everyone has e to doubt truth； justice and god。
anyone who claims that the older folks have a more difficult time in the annex doesnt realize that the problems have a far greater impact on us。 were much too young to deal with these problems； but they keep thrusting themselves on us until； finally； were forced to think up a solution； though most of the time our solutions crumble when faced with the facts。 its difficult in times like these： ideals； dreams and cherished hopes rise within us； only to be crushed by grim reality。 its a wonder i havent abandoned all my ideals； they seem so absurd and impractical。 yet i cling to them because i still believe； in spite of everything； that people are truly good at heart。
its utterly impossible for me to build my life on a foundation of chaos； suffering and death。 i see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness； i hear the approaching thunder that； one day； will destroy us too； i feel the suffering of millions。
and yet； when i look up at the sky； i somehow feel that everything will change for the better； that this cruelty too shall end； that peace and tranquthty will return once more。 in the meantime； i must hold on to my ideals。 perhaps the day will e when ill be able to realize them！
yours； anne
m。 frank
friday； july 21； 1944
dearest kitty；
im finally getting optimistic。 now； at last； things are going well！ they really are！
great news！ an assassination attempt has been made on hitlers life； and for once not by jewish munists or english capitalists； but by a german general whos not only a count； but young as well。 the fuhrer owes his life to 〃divine providence〃： he escaped； unfortunately； with only a few minor burns and scratches。 a number of the officers and generals who were nearby were killed or wounded。 the head of the conspiracy has been shot。
this is the best proof weve had so far that many officers and generals are fed up with the war and would like to see hitler sink into a bottomless pit； so they can establish a mthtary dictatorship； make peace with the allies； rearm themselves and； after a few decades； start a new war。 perhaps providence is deliberately biding its time getting rid of hider； since its much easier； and cheaper； for the allies to let the impeccable germans kill each other off。 its less work for the russians and the british； and it allows them to start rebuilding their own cities all that much sooner。 but we havent reached that point yet； and id hate to anticipate the glorious event。 still； youve probably noticed that im telling the truth； the whole truth and nothing but the truth。 for once； im not rattling on about high ideals。
furthermore； hitler has been so kind as to announce to his loyal； devoted people that as of today all mthtary personnel are under orders of the gestapo； and that any soldier who knows that one of his superiors was involved in this cowardly attempt on the fuhrers life may shoot him on sight！
a fine kettle of fish that will be。 little johnnys feet are sore after a long march and his manding officer bawls him out。 johnny grabs his rifle； shouts； 〃you； you tried to kill the fuhrer。 take that！〃 one shot； and the snooty officer who dared to reprimand him passes into eternal life （or is it eternal death？）。 eventually； every time an officer sees a soldier or gives an order； hell be practically wetting his pants； because the soldiers have more say…so than he does。
were you able to follow that； or have i been skipping from one subject to another again？ i cant help it； the prospect of going back to school in october is making me too happy to be logical！ oh dear； didnt i just get through telling you i didnt want to anticipate events？ forgive me； kitty； they dont call me a bundle of contradictions for nothing！
yours； anne
m。 frank
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AUGUST； 1944
灏彙！ｈ。。t。xt。。澶ｅ爞
tuesday； august 1； 1944
dearest kitty；
〃a bundle of contradictions〃 was the end of my previous letter and is the beginning of this one。 can you please tell me exactly what 〃a bundle of contradictions〃 is？ what does 〃contradiction〃 mean？ like so many words； it can be interpreted in two ways： a contradiction imposed from without and one imposed from within。 the former means not accepting other peoples opinions； always knowing best； having the last word； in short； all those unpleasant traits for which im known。 the latter； for which im not known； is my own secret。
as ive told you many times； im split in two。 one side contains my exuberant cheerfulness； my flippancy； my joy in life and； above all； my abthty to appreciate the lighter side of things。 by that i mean not finding anything wrong with flirtations； a kiss； an embrace； an off…color joke。 this side of me is usually lying in wait to ambush the other one； which is much purer； deeper and finer。 no one knows annes better side； and thats why most people cant stand me。 oh； i can be an amusing clown for an afternoon； but after that everyones had enough of me to last a month。 actually； im what a romantic movie is to a profound thinker a mere diversion； a ic interlude； something that is soon forgotten： not bad； but not particularly good either。 i hate having to tell you this； but why shouldnt i admit it when i know its true？ my lighter； more superficial side will always steal a march on the deeper side and therefore always win。 you cant imagine how often ive tried to p：ush away this anne； which is only half of what is known as anne…to beat her down； hide her。 but it doesnt work； and i know why。
im afraid that people who know me as i usually am will discover i have another side； a better and finer side。 im afraid theyll mock me； think im ridiculous and sentimental and not take me seriously。 im used to not being taken seriously； but only the 〃lighthearted〃 anne is used to it and can put up with it； the 〃deeper〃 anne is too weak。 if i force the good anne into the spotlight for even fifteen minutes； she shuts up like a clam the moment shes called upon to speak； and lets anne number one do the talking。 before i realize it； shes disappeared。
so the nice anne is never seen in pany。 shes never made a single appearance； though she almost always takes the stage when im alone。 i know exactly how id like to be； how i am 。 。 。 on the inside。 but unfortunately im only like that with myself。
and perhaps thats why…no； im sure thats the reason why i think of myself as happy on the inside and other people think im happy on the outside。 im guided by
the pure anne within； but on the outside im nothing but a frolicsome little goat tugging at its tether。
as ive told you； what i say is not what i feel； which is why i have a reputation for being boy…crazy as well as a flirt； a smart aleck and a reader of romances。 the happy…go…lucky anne laughs； gives a flippant reply； shrugs her shoulders and pretends she doesnt give a darn。 the quiet anne reacts in just the opposite way。 if im being pletely honest； ill have to admit that it does matter to me； that im trying very hard to change myself； but that i im always up against a more powerful enemy。
a voice within me is sobbing； 〃you see； thats whats bee of you。 youre surrounded by negative opinions； dismayed looks and mocking faces； people； who dislike you； and all because you dont listen to the ； advice of your own better half。鈥�
believe me； id like ； to listen； but it doesnt work； because if im quiet and serious； everyone thinks im putting on a new act and i have to save myself with a joke； and then im not even talking about my own family； who assume i must be sick； stuff me with aspirins and sedatives； feel my neck and forehead to see if i have a temperature； ask about my bowel movements and berate me for being in a bad mood； until i just cant keep it up anymore； because jj when everybody starts hovering over me； i get cross； then sad； and finally end up turning my heart inside g out； the bad part on the outside and the good part on the inside； and keep trying to find a way to bee what id like to be and what i could be if 。 。 。 if only there were no other people in the world。
yours； anne
m。 frank
…
annes diary ends here。
…
afterword
on the morning of august 4； 1944； sometime between ten and ten…thirty； a car pulled up at 263 prinsengracht。 several figures emerged： an ss sergeant； karl josef silberbauer； in full uniform； and at least three dutch members of the security police； armed but in civilian clothes。 someone must have tipped them off。
they arrested the eight people hiding in the annex； as well as two of their helpers； victor kugler and johannes kleiman though not miep gies and elisabeth （bep）
voskuijl…and took all the valuables and cash they could find in the annex。
after the arrest； kugler and kleiman were taken to a prison in amsterdam。 on september 11； 1944； they were transferred； without benefit of a trial； to a camp in amersfoo
