the works of edgar allan poe-5-第8章

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that　he　did　not　intend；　will　be　brought　to　light；　in　the　〃Dial；〃　or　the
〃Down…Easter；〃　together　with　all　that　he　ought　to　have　intended；　and　the
rest　that　he　clearly　meant　to　intend：　　so　that　it　will　all　come　very
straight　in　the　end。

There　is　no　just　ground；　therefore；　for　the　charge　brought　against　me　by
certain　ignoramuses　　that　I　have　never　written　a　moral　tale；　or；　in　more
precise　words；　a　tale　with　a　moral。　They　are　not　the　critics　predestined
to　bring　me　out；　and　develop　my　morals：　　that　is　the　secret。　By　and　by
the　〃North　American　Quarterly　Humdrum〃　will　make　them　ashamed　of　their
stupidity。　In　the　meantime；　by　way　of　staying　execution　　by　way　of
mitigating　the　accusations　against　me　　I　offer　the　sad　history　appended；
　a　history　about　whose　obvious　moral　there　can　be　no　question　whatever；
since　he　who　runs　may　read　it　in　the　large　capitals　which　form　the　title
of　the　tale。　I　should　have　credit　for　this　arrangement　　a　far　wiser　one
than　that　of　La　Fontaine　and　others；　who　reserve　the　impression　to　be
conveyed　until　the　last　moment；　and　thus　sneak　it　in　at　the　fag　end　of
their　fables。

Defuncti　injuria　ne　afficiantur　was　a　law　of　the　twelve　tables；　and　De
mortuis　nil　nisi　bonum　is　an　excellent　injunction　　even　if　the　dead　in
question　be　nothing　but　dead　small　beer。　It　is　not　my　design；　therefore；
to　vituperate　my　deceased　friend；　Toby　Dammit。　He　was　a　sad　dog；　it　is
true；　and　a　dog's　death　it　was　that　he　died；　but　he　himself　was　not　to
blame　for　his　vices。　They　grew　out　of　a　personal　defect　in　his　mother。　She
did　her　best　in　the　way　of　flogging　him　while　an　infant　　for　duties　to
her　well　　regulated　mind　were　always　pleasures；　and　babies；　like　tough
steaks；　or　the　modern　Greek　olive　trees；　are　invariably　the　better　for
beating　　but；　poor　woman！　she　had　the　misfortune　to　be　left…handed；　and
a　child　flogged　left…handedly　had　better　be　left　unflogged。　The　world
revolves　from　right　to　left。　It　will　not　do　to　whip　a　baby　from　left　to
right。　If　each　blow　in　the　proper　direction　drives　an　evil　propensity　out；
it　follows　that　every　thump　in　an　opposite　one　knocks　its　quota　of
wickedness　in。　I　was　often　present　at　Toby's　chastisements；　and；　even　by
the　way　in　which　he　kicked；　I　could　perceive　that　he　was　getting　worse　and
worse　every　day。　At　last　I　saw；　through　the　tears　in　my　eyes；　that　there
was　no　hope　of　the　villain　at　all；　and　one　day　when　he　had　been　cuffed
until　he　grew　so　black　in　the　face　that　one　might　have　mistaken　him　for　a
little　African；　and　no　effect　had　been　produced　beyond　that　of　making　him
wriggle　himself　into　a　fit；　I　could　stand　it　no　longer；　but　went　down　upon
my　knees　forthwith；　and；　uplifting　my　voice；　made　prophecy　of　his　ruin。

The　fact　is　that　his　precocity　in　vice　was　awful。　At　five　months　of　age　he
used　to　get　into　such　passions　that　he　was　unable　to　articulate。　At　six
months；　I　caught　him　gnawing　a　pack　of　cards。　At　seven　months　he　was　in
the　constant　habit　of　catching　and　kissing　the　female　babies。　At　eight
months　he　peremptorily　refused　to　put　his　signature　to　the　Temperance
pledge。　Thus　he　went　on　increasing　in　iniquity；　month　after　month；　until；
at　the　close　of　the　first　year；　he　not　only　insisted　upon　wearing
moustaches；　but　had　contracted　a　propensity　for　cursing　and　swearing；　and
for　backing　his　assertions　by　bets。

Through　this　latter　most　ungentlemanly　practice；　the　ruin　which　I　had
predicted　to　Toby　Dammit　overtook　him　at　last。　The　fashion　had　〃grown　with
his　growth　and　strengthened　with　his　strength；〃　so　that；　when　he　came　to
be　a　man；　he　could　scarcely　utter　a　sentence　without　interlarding　it　with
a　proposition　to　gamble。　Not　that　he　actually　laid　wagers　　no。　I　will　do
my　friend　the　justice　to　say　that　he　would　as　soon　have　laid　eggs。　With
him　the　thing　was　a　mere　formula　　nothing　more。　His　expressions　on　this
head　had　no　meaning　attached　to　them　whatever。　They　were　simple　if　not
altogether　innocent　expletives　　imaginative　phrases　wherewith　to　round
off　a　sentence。　When　he　said　〃I'll　bet　you　so　and　so；〃　nobody　ever　thought
of　taking　him　up；　but　still　I　could　not　help　thinking　it　my　duty　to　put
him　down。　The　habit　was　an　immoral　one；　and　so　I　told　him。　It　was　a　vulgar
one…　this　I　begged　him　to　believe。　It　was　discountenanced　by　society　
here　I　said　nothing　but　the　truth。　It　was　forbidden　by　act　of　Congress　
here　I　had　not　the　slightest　intention　of　telling　a　lie。　I　remonstrated　
but　to　no　purpose。　I　demonstrated　　in　vain。　I　entreated　　he　smiled。　I
implored　　he　laughed。　I　preached…　he　sneered。　I　threatened　　he　swore。
I　kicked　him　　he　called　for　the　police。　I　pulled　his　nose　　he　blew　it；
and　offered　to　bet　the　Devil　his　head　that　I　would　not　venture　to　try　that
experiment　again。

Poverty　was　another　vice　which　the　peculiar　physical　deficiency　of
Dammit's　mother　had　entailed　upon　her　son。　He　was　detestably　poor；　and
this　was　the　reason；　no　doubt；　that　his　expletive　expressions　about
betting；　seldom　took　a　pecuniary　turn。　I　will　not　be　bound　to　say　that　I
ever　heard　him　make　use　of　such　a　figure　of　speech　as　〃I'll　bet　you　a
dollar。〃　It　was　usually　〃I'll　bet　you　what　you　please；〃　or　〃I'll　bet　you
what　you　dare；〃　or　〃I'll　bet　you　a　trifle；〃　or　else；　more　significantly
still；　〃I'll　bet　the　Devil　my　head。〃

This　latter　form　seemed　to　please　him　best；　　perhaps　because　it　involved
the　least　risk；　for　Dammit　had　become　excessively　parsimonious。　Had　any
one　taken　him　up；　his　head　was　small；　and　thus　his　loss　would　have　been
small　too。　But　these　are　my　own　reflections　and　I　am　by　no　means　sure　that
I　am　right　in　attributing　them　to　him。　At　all　events　the　phrase　in
question　grew　daily　in　favor；　notwithstanding　the　gross　impropriety　of　a
man　betting　his　brains　like　bank…notes：　　but　this　was　a　point　which　my
friend's　perversity　of　disposition　would　not　permit　him　to　comprehend。　In
the　end；　he　abandoned　all　other　forms　of　wager；　and　gave　himself　up　to
〃I'll　bet　the　Devil　my　head；〃　with　a　pertinacity　and　exclusiveness　of
devotion　that　displeased　not　less　than　it　surprised　me。　I　am　always
displeased　by　circumstances　for　which　I　cannot　account。　Mysteries　force　a
man　to　think；　and　so　injure　his　health。　The　truth　is；　there　was　something
in　the　air　with　which　Mr。　Dammit　was　wont　to　give　utterance　to　his
offensive　expression　　something　in　his　manner　of　enunciation　　which　at
first　interested；　and　afterwards　made　me　very　uneasy　　something　which；
for　want　of　a　more　definite　term　at　present；　I　must　be　permitted　to　call
queer；　but　which　Mr。　Coleridge　would　have　called　mystical；　Mr。　Kant
pantheistical；　Mr。　Carlyle　twistical；　and　Mr。　Emerson　hyperquizzitistical。
I　began　not　to　like　it　at　all。　Mr。　Dammits　soul　was　in　a　perilous　state。　I
resolved　to　bring　all　my　eloquence　into　play　to　save　it。　I　vowed　to　serve
him　as　St。　Patrick；　in　the　Irish　chronicle；　is　said　to　have　served　the
toad；　　that　is　to　say；　〃awaken　him　to　a　sense　of　his　situation。〃　I
addressed　myself　to　the　task　forthwith。　Once　more　I　betook　myself　to
remonstrance。　Again　I　collected　my　energies　for　a　final　attempt　at
expostulation。

When　I　had　made　an　end　of　my　lecture；　Mr。　Dammit　indulged　himself　in　some
very　equivocal　behavior。　For　some　moments　he　remained　silent；　merely
looking　me　inquisitively　in　the　face。　But　presently　he　threw　his　head　to
one　side；　and　elevated　his　eyebrows　to　a　great　extent。　Then　he　spread　out
the　palms　of　his　hands　and　shrugged　up　his　shoulders。　Then　he　winked　with
the　right　eye。　Then　he　repeated　the　operation　with　the　left。　Then　he　shut
them　both　up　very　tight。　Then　he　opened　them　both　so　very　wide　that　I
became　seriously　alarmed　for　the　consequences。　Then；　applying　his　thumb　to
his　nose；　he　thought　proper　to　make　an　indescribable　movement　with　the
rest　of　his　fingers。　Finally；　setting　his　arms　a…kimbo；　he　condescended　to
reply。

I　can　call　to　mind　only　the　beads　of　his　discourse。　He　would　be　obliged　to
me　if　I　would　hold　my　tongue。　He　wished　none　of　my　advice。　He　despised　all
my　insinuations。　He　was　old　enough　to　take　care　of　himself。　Did　I　still
think　him　baby　Dammit？　Did　I　mean　to　say　any　thing　against　his　character？
Did　I　intend　to　insult　him？　Was　I　a　fool？　Was　my　maternal　parent　aware；　in
a　word；　of　my　absence　from　the　domiciliary　residence？　He　would　put　this
latter　question　to　me　as　to　a　man　of　veracity；　and　he　would　bind　himself
to　abide　by　my　reply。　Once　more　he　would　demand　explicitly　if　my　mother
knew　that　I　was　out。　My　confusion；　he　said；　betrayed　me；　and　he　would　be
willing　to　bet　the　Devil　his　head　that　she　did　not。

Mr。　Dammit　did　not　pause　for　my　rejoinder。　Turning　upon　his　heel；　he　left
my　presence　with　undignified　precipitation。　It　was　well　for　him　that　he
did　so。　My　feelings　had　been　wounded。　Even　my　anger　had　been　aroused。　For
once　I　would　have　taken　him　up　upon　his　insulting　wager。　I　would　have　won
for　the　Arch…Enemy　Mr。　Dammit's　little　head　　for　the　fact　is；　my　mamma
was　very　well　aware　of　my　merely　temporary　absence　from　home。

But　Khoda　shefa　mid阧ed　　Heaven　gives　relief　　as　the　Mussulmans　say
when　you　tread　upon　their　toes。　It　was　in　pursuance　of　my　duty　that　I　had
been　insulted；　and　I　bore　the　insult　like　a　man。　It　now　seemed　to　me；
however；　that　I　had　done　all　that　could　be　required　of　me；　in　the　case　of
this　miserable　individual；　and　I　resolved　to　trouble　him　no　longer　with　my
counsel；　but　to　leave　him　to　his　conscience　and　himself。　But　although　I
forebore　to　intrude　with　my　advice；　I　could　not　bring　myself　to　give　up
his　society　altogether。　I　even　went　so　far　as　to　humor　some　of　his　less
reprehensible　propensities；　and　there　were　times　when　I　found　myself
lauding　his　wicked　jokes；　as　epicures　do　mustard；　with　tears　in　my　eyes：
　so　profoundly　did　it　grieve　me　to　hear　his　evil　talk。

One　fine　day；　having　strolled　out　together；　arm　in　arm；　our　route　led　us
in　the　direction　of　a　river。　There　was　a　bridge；　and　we　resolved　to　cross
it。　It　was　roofed　over；　by　way　of　protection　from　the　weather；　and　the
archway；　having　but　few　windows；　was　thus　very　uncomfortably　dark。　As　we
entered　the　passage；　the　contrast　between　the　external　glare　and　the
interior　gloom　struck　heavily　upon　my　spirits。　Not　so　upon　those　of　the
unhappy　Dammit；　who　offered　to　bet　the　Devil　his　head　that　I　was　hipped。
He　seemed　to　be　in　an　unusual　good　humor。　He　was　excessively　lively　　so
much　so　that　I　entertained　I　know　not　what　of　uneasy　suspicion。　It　is　not
impossible　that　he　was　affected　with　the　transcendentals。　I　am　not　well
enough　versed；　however；　in　the　diagnosis　of　this　disease　to　speak　with
decision　upon　the　point；　and　unhappily　there　were　none　of　my　friends　of
the　〃Dial〃　present。　I　suggest　the　idea；　nevertheless；　because　of　a　certain
species　of　austere　Merry…Andrewism　which　seemed　to　beset　my　poor　friend；
and　caused　him　to　make　quite　a　Tom…Fool　of　himself。　Nothing　would　serve
him　but　wriggling　and　skipping　about　under　and　over　every　thing　that　came
in　his　way；　now　shouting　out；　and　now　lisping　out；　all　manner　of　odd
little　and　big　words；　yet　preserving　the　gravest　face　in　the　world　all　the
time。　I　really　could　not　make　up　my　mind　whether　to　kick　or　to　pity　him。
At　length；　having　passed　nearly　across　the　bridge；　we　approached　the
termination　of　the　footway；　when　our　progress　was　impeded　by