augustus does his bit-第1章

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Augustus　Does　His　Bit

by　George　Bernard　Shaw







I　wish　to　express　my　gratitude　for　certain　good　offices　which
Augustus　secured　for　me　in　January；1917。　I　had　been　invited　to
visit　the　theatre　of　war　in　Flanders　by　the　Commander…in…Chief：
an　invitation　which　was；　under　the　circumstances；　a　summons　to
duty。　Thus　I　had　occasion　to　spend　some　days　in　procuring
the　necessary　passport　and　other　official　facilities　for
my　journey。　It　happened　just　then　that　the　Stage　Society　gave　a
performance　of　this　little　play。　It　opened　the　heart　of　every
official　to　me。　I　have　always　been　treated　with　distinguished
consideration　in　my　contracts　with　bureaucracy　during　the　war；
but　on　this　occasion　I　found　myself　persona　grata　in　the　highest
degree。　There　was　only　one　word　when　the　formalities　were
disposed　of；　and　that　was　〃We　are　up　against　Augustus　all　day。〃
The　showing…up　of　Augustus　scandalized　one　or　two　innocent　and
patriotic　critics　who　regarded　the　prowess　of　the　British　army　as
inextricably　bound　up　with　Highcastle　prestige。　But　our
Government　departments　knew　better：　their　problem　was　how　to　win
the　war　with　Augustus　on　their　backs；　well…meaning；　brave；
patriotic；　but　obstructively　fussy；　self…important；　imbecile；　and
disastrous。

Save　for　the　satisfaction　of　being　able　to　laugh　at　Augustus　in
the　theatre；　nothing；　as　far　as　I　know；　came　of　my　dramatic
reduction　of　him　to　absurdity。　Generals；　admirals；　Prime
Ministers　and　Controllers；　not　to　mention　Emperors；　Kaisers　and
Tsars；　were　scrapped　remorselessly　at　home　and　abroad；　for　their
sins　or　services；　as　the　case　might　be。　But　Augustus　stood　like
the　Eddystone　in　a　storm；　and　stands　so　to　this　day。　He　gave　us
his　word　that　he　was　indispensable　and　we　took　it。

Augustus　Does　His　Bit　was　performed　for　the　first　time　at
the　Court　Theatre　in　London　by　the　Stage　Society　on　the
21st　January；　1917；　with　Lalla　Vandervelde　as　The　Lady；　F。
B。J。　Sharp　as　Lord　Augustus　Highcastle；　and　Charles　Rock　as
Horatio　Floyd　Beamish。






AUGUSTUS　DOES　HIS　BIT


The　Mayor's　parlor　in　the　Town　Hall　of　Little　Pifflington。　Lord
Augustus　Highcastle；　a　distinguished　member　of　the　governing
class；　in　the　uniform　of　a　colonel；　and　very　well　preserved　at
forty…five；　is　comfortably　seated　at　a　writing…table　with　his
heels　on　it；　reading　The　Morning　Post。　The　door　faces　him；　a
little　to　his　left；　at　the　other　side　of　the　room。　The　window　is
behind　him。　In　the　fireplace；　a　gas　stove。　On　the　table　a　bell
button　and　a　telephone。　Portraits　of　past　Mayors；　in　robes　and
gold　chains；　adorn　the　walls。　An　elderly　clerk　with　a　short　white
beard　and　whiskers；　and　a　very　red　nose；　shuffles　in。

AUGUSTUS　＇hastily　putting　aside　his　paper　and　replacing　his　feet
on　the　floor＇。　Hullo！　Who　are　you？

THE　CLERK。　The　staff　＇a　slight　impediment　in　his　speech　adds　to
the　impression　of　incompetence　produced　by　his　age　and
appearance＇。

AUGUSTUS。　You　the　staff！　What　do　you　mean；　man？

THE　CLERK。　What　I　say。　There　ain't　anybody　else。

AUGUSTUS。　Tush！　Where　are　the　others？

THE　CLERK。　At　the　front。

AUGUSTUS。　Quite　right。　Most　proper。　Why　aren't　you　at　the　front？

THE　CLERK。　Over　age。　Fifty…seven。

AUGUSTUS。　But　you　can　still　do　your　bit。　Many　an　older　man　is　in
the　G。R。's；　or　volunteering　for　home　defence。

THE　CLERK。　I　have　volunteered。

AUGUSTUS。　Then　why　are　you　not　in　uniform？

THE　CLERK。　They　said　they　wouldn't　have　me　if　I　was　given　away
with　a　pound　of　tea。　Told　me　to　go　home　and　not　be　an　old　silly。
＇A　sense　of　unbearable　wrong；　till　now　only　smouldering　in　him；
bursts　into　flame。＇　Young　Bill　Knight；　that　I　took　with　me；　got
two　and　sevenpence。　I　got　nothing。　Is　it　justice？　This　country　is
going　to　the　dogs；　if　you　ask　me。

AUGUSTUS　＇rising　indignantly＇。　I　do　not　ask　you；　sir；　and　I　will
not　allow　you　to　say　such　things　in　my　presence。　Our　statesmen
are　the　greatest　known　to　history。　Our　generals　are　invincible。
Our　army　is　the　admiration　of　the　world。　＇Furiously。＇　How　dare
you　tell　me　that　the　country　is　going　to　the　dogs！

THE　CLERK。　Why　did　they　give　young　Bill　Knight　two　and
sevenpence；　and　not　give　me　even　my　tram　fare？　Do　you　call　that
being　great　statesmen？　As　good　as　robbing　me；　I　call　it。

AUGUSTUS。　That's　enough。　Leave　the　room。　＇He　sits　down　and　takes
up　his　pen；　settling　himself　to　work。　The　clerk　shuffles　to　the
door。　Augustus　adds；　with　cold　politeness＇　Send　me　the　Secretary。

THE　CLERK。　I'M　the　Secretary。　I　can't　leave　the　room　and　send
myself　to　you　at　the　same　time；　can　I？

AUGUSTUS；　Don't　be　insolent。　Where　is　the　gentleman　I　have　been
corresponding　with：　Mr　Horatio　Floyd　Beamish？

THE　CLERK　＇returning　and　bowing＇。　Here。　Me。

AUGUSTUS。　You！　Ridiculous。　What　right　have　you　to　call　yourself
by　a　pretentious　name　of　that　sort？

THE　CLERK。　You　may　drop　the　Horatio　Floyd。　Beamish　is　good　enough
for　me。

AUGUSTUS。　Is　there　nobody　else　to　take　my　instructions？

THE　CLERK。　It's　me　or　nobody。　And　for　two　pins　I'd　chuck　it。
Don't　you　drive　me　too　far。　Old　uns　like　me　is　up　in　the　world
now。

AUGUSTUS。　If　we　were　not　at　war；　I　should　discharge　you　on　the
spot　for　disrespectful　behavior。　But　England　is　in　danger；　and　I
cannot　think　of　my　personal　dignity　at　such　a　moment。　＇Shouting
at　him。＇　Don't　you　think　of　yours；　either；　worm　that　you　are；　or
I'll　have　you　arrested　under　the　Defence　of　the　Realm　Act；　double
quick。

THE　CLERK。　What　do　I　care　about　the　realm？　They　done　me　out　of
two　and　seven

AUGUSTUS。　Oh；　damn　your　two　and　seven！　Did　you　receive　my
letters？

THE　CLERK。　Yes。

AUGUSTUS。　I　addressed　a　meeting　here　last　nightwent　straight　to
the　platform　from　the　train。　I　wrote　to　you　that　I　should　expect
you　to　be　present　and　report　yourself。　Why　did　you　not　do　so？

THE　CLERK。　The　police　wouldn't　let　me　on　the　platform。

AUGUSTUS。　Did　you　tell　them　who　you　were？

THE　CLERK。　They　knew　who　I　was。　That's　why　they　wouldn't　let　me
up。

AUGUSTUS。　This　is　too　silly　for　anything。　This　town　wants　waking
up。　I　made　the　best　recruiting　speech　I　ever　made　in　my　life；　and
not　a　man　joined。

THE　CLERK。　What　did　you　expect？　You　told　them　our　gallant　fellows
is　falling　at　the　rate　of　a　thousand　a　day　in　the　big　push。　Dying
for　Little　Pifflington；　you　says。　Come　and　take　their　places；　you
says。　That　ain't　the　way　to　recruit。

AUGUSTUS。　But　I　expressly　told　them　their　widows　would　have
pensions。

THE　CLERK。　I　heard　you。　Would　have　been　all　right　if　it　had　been
the　widows　you　wanted　to　get　round。

AUGUSTUS　＇rising　angrily＇。　This　town　is　inhabited　by　dastards。　I
say　it　with　a　full　sense　of　responsibility；　DASTARDS！　They　call
themselves　Englishmen；　and　they　are　afraid　to　fight。

THE　CLERK。　Afraid　to　fight！　You　should　see　them　on　a　Saturday
night。

AUGUSTUS。　Yes；　they　fight　one　another；　but　they　won't　fight　the
Germans。

THE　CLERK。　They　got　grudges　again　one　another：　how　can　they　have
grudges　again　the　Huns　that　they　never　saw？　They've　no
imagination：　that's　what　it　is。　Bring　the　Huns　here；　and　they'll
quarrel　with　them　fast　enough。

AUGUSTUS　＇returning　to　his　seat　with　a　grunt　of　disgust＇。　Mf！
They'll　have　them　here　if　they're　not　careful。　＇Seated。＇　Have　you
carried　out　my　orders　about　the　war　saving？

THE　CLERK。　Yes。

AUGUSTUS。　The　allowance　of　petrol　has　been　reduced　by　three
quarters？

THE　CLERK。　It　has。

AUGUSTUS。　And　you　have　told　the　motor…car　people　to　come　here　and
arrange　to　start　munition　work　now　that　their　motor　business　is
stopped？

THE　CLERK。　It　ain't　stopped。　They're　busier　than　ever。

AUGUSTUS。　Busy　at　what？

THE　CLERK。　Making　small　cars。

AUGUSTUS。　NEW　cars！

THE　CLERK。　The　old　cars　only　do　twelve　miles　to　the　gallon。
Everybody　has　to　have　a　car　that　will　do　thirty…five　now。

AUGUSTUS。　Can't　they　take　the　train？

THE　CLERK。　There　ain't　no　trains　now。　They've　tore　up　the　rails
and　sent　them　to　the　front。

AUGUSTUS。　Psha！

THE　CLERK。　Well；　we　have　to　get　about　somehow。

AUGUSTUS。　This　is　perfectly　monstrous。　Not　in　the　least　what　I
intended。

THE　CLERK。　Hell

AUGUSTUS。　Sir！

THE　CLERK　＇explaining＇。　Hell；　they　says；　is　paved　with　good
intentions。

AUGUSTUS　＇springing　to　his　feet＇。　Do　you　mean　to　insinuate　that
hell　is　paved　with　MY　good　intentionswith　the　good　intentions
of　His　Majesty's　Government？

THE　CLERK。　I　don't　mean　to　insinuate　anything　until　the　Defence
of　the　Realm　Act　is　repealed。　It　ain't　safe。

AUGUSTUS。　They　told　me　that　this　town　had　set　an　example　to　all
England　in　the　matter　of　economy。　I　came　down　here　to　promise　the
Mayor　a　knighthood　for　his　exertions。

THE　CLERK。　The　Mayor！　Where　do　I　come　in？

AUGUSTUS。　You　don't　come　in。　You　go　out。　This　is　a　fool　of　a
place。　I'm　greatly　disappointed。　Deeply　disappointed。　＇Flinging
himself　back　into　his　chair。＇　Disgusted。

THE　CLERK。　What　more　can　we　do？　We've　shut　up　everything。　The
picture　gallery　is　shut。　The　museum　is　shut。　The　theatres　and
picture　shows　is　shut：　I　haven't　seen　a　movie　picture　for　six
months。

AUGUSTUS。　Man；　man：　do　you　want　to　see　picture　shows　when　the　Hun
is　at　the　gate？

THE　CLERK　＇mournfully＇。　I　don't　now；　though　it　drove　me
melancholy　mad　at　first。　I　was　on　the　point　of　taking　a　pennorth
of　rat　poison

AUGUSTUS。　Why　didn't　you？

THE　CLERK。　Because　a　friend　advised　me　to　take　to　drink　instead。
That　saved　my　life；　though　it　makes　me　very　poor　company　in　the
mornings；　as　＇hiccuping＇　perhaps　you've　noticed。

AUGUSTUS。　Well；　upon　my　soul！　You　are　not　ashamed　to　stand　there
and　confess　yourself　a　disgusting　drunkard。

THE　CLERK。　Well；　what　of　it？　We're　at　war　now；　and　everything's
changed。　Besides；　I　should　lose　my　job　here　if　I　stood　drinking
at　the　bar。　I'm　a　respectable　man　and　must　buy　my　drink　and　take
it　home　with　me。　And　they　won't　serve　me　with　less　than　a　quart。
If　you'd　told　me　before　the　war　that　I　could　get　through　a　quart
of　whisky　in　a　day；　I　shouldn't　have　believed　you。　That's　the
good　of　war：　it　brings　out　powers　in　a　man　that　he　never
suspected　himself　capable　of。　You　said　so　yourself　in　your　speech
last　night。

AUGUSTUS。　I　did　not　know　that　I　was　talking　to　an　imbecile。　You
ought　to　be　ashamed　of　yourself。　There　must　be　an　end　of　this
drunken　slacking。　I'm　going　to　establish　a　new　order　of　things
here。　I　shall　come　down　every　morning　before　breakfast　until
things　are　properly　in　train。　Have　a　cup　of　coffee　and　two　rolls
for　me　here　every　morning　at　half…past　ten。

THE　CLERK。　You　can't　have　no　rolls。　The　only　baker　that　baked
rolls　was　a　Hun；　and　he's　been　interned。

AUGUSTUS。　Quite　right；　too。　And　was　there　no　Englishman　to　take
his　place？

THE　CLERK。　There　was。　But　he　was　caught　spying；　and　they　took　him
up　to　London　and　shot　him。

AUGUSTUS。　Shot　an　Englishman！

THE　CLERK。　Well；　it　stands　to　reason　if　the　Germans　wanted　to　spy
they　wouldn't　employ　a　German　that　everybody　would　suspect；　don't
it？

AUGUSTUS　＇rising　again＇。　Do　you　mean　to　say；　you　scoundrel；　that
an　Englishman　is　capable　of　selling　his　country　to　the　enemy　for
gold？

THE　CLERK。　Not　as　a　general　thing　I　wouldn't　say　it；　but　there's
men　here　would　sell　their　own　mothers　for　two　coppers　if　they　got
the　chance。

AUGUSTUS。　Beamish；　it's　an　ill　bird　that　fouls　its　own　nest。

THE　CL