augustus does his bit-第2章

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the　chance。

AUGUSTUS。　Beamish；　it's　an　ill　bird　that　fouls　its　own　nest。

THE　CLERK。　It　wasn't　me　that　let　Little　Pifflington　get　foul。　I
don't　belong　to　the　governing　classes。　I　only　tell　you　why　you
can't　have　no　rolls。

AUGUSTUS　＇intensely　irritated＇。　Can　you　tell　me　where　I　can　find
an　intelligent　being　to　take　my　orders？

THE　CLERK。　One　of　the　street　sweepers　used　to　teach　in　the　school
until　it　was　shut　up　for　the　sake　of　economy。　Will　he　do？

AUGUSTUS。　What！　You　mean　to　tell　me　that　when　the　lives　of　the
gallant　fellows　in　our　trenches；　and　the　fate　of　the　British
Empire；　depend　on　our　keeping　up　the　supply　of　shells；　you　are
wasting　money　on　sweeping　the　streets？

THE　CLERK。　We　have　to。　We　dropped　it　for　a　while；　but　the　infant
death　rate　went　up　something　frightful。

AUGUSTUS。　What　matters　the　death　rate　of　Little　Pifflington　in　a
moment　like　this？　Think　of　our　gallant　soldiers；　not　of　your
squalling　infants。

THE　CLERK。　If　you　want　soldiers　you　must　have　children。　You　can't
buy　em　in　boxes；　like　toy　soldiers。

AUGUSTUS。　Beamish；　the　long　and　the　short　of　it　is；　you　are　no
patriot。　Go　downstairs　to　your　office；　and　have　that　gas　stove
taken　away　and　replaced　by　an　ordinary　grate。　The　Board　of　Trade
has　urged　on　me　the　necessity　for　economizing　gas。

THE　CLERK。　Our　orders　from　the　Minister　of　Munitions　is　to　use
gas　instead　of　coal；　because　it　saves　material。　Which　is　it　to
be？

AUGUSTUS　＇bawling　furiously　at　him＇。　Both！　Don't　criticize　your
orders：　obey　them。　Yours　not　to　reason　why：　yours　but　to　do　and
die。　That's　war。　＇Cooling　down。＇　Have　you　anything　else　to　say？

THE　CLERK。　Yes：　I　want　a　rise。

AUGUSTUS　＇reeling　against　the　table　in　his　horror＇。　A　rise！
Horatio　Floyd　Beamish；　do　you　know　that　we　are　at　war？

THE　CLERK　＇feebly　ironical＇。　I　have　noticed　something　about　it　in
the　papers。　Heard　you　mention　it　once　or　twice；　now　I　come　to
think　of　it。

AUGUSTUS。　Our　gallant　fellows　are　dying　in　the　trenches；　and　you
want　a　rise！

THE　CLERK。　What　are　they　dying　for？　To　keep　me　alive；　ain't　it？
Well；　what's　the　good　of　that　if　I'm　dead　of　hunger　by　the　time
they　come　back？

AUGUSTUS。　Everybody　else　is　making　sacrifices　without　a　thought
of　self；　and　you

THE　CLERK。　Not　half；　they　ain't。　Where's　the　baker's　sacrifice？
Where's　the　coal　merchant's？　Where's　the　butcher's？　Charging　me
double：　that's　how　they　sacrifice　themselves。　Well；　I　want　to
sacrifice　myself　that　way　too。　Just　double　next　Saturday：　double
and　not　a　penny　less；　or　no　secretary　for　you　＇he　stiffens
himself　shakily；　and　makes　resolutely　for　the　door。＇

AUGUSTUS　＇looking　after　him　contemptuously＇。　Go；　miserable
pro…German。

THE　CLERK　＇rushing　back　and　facing　him＇。　Who　are　you　calling　a
pro…German？

AUGUSTUS。　Another　word；　and　I　charge　you　under　the　Act　with
discouraging　me。　Go。

The　clerk　blenches　and　goes　out；　cowed。

The　telephone　rings。

AUGUSTUS　＇taking　up　the　telephone　receiver。　Hallo。　Yes：　who　are
you？。。。oh；　Blueloo；　is　it？。。。Yes：　there's　nobody　in　the　room：
fire　away。　What？。。。A　spy！。。。A　woman！。。。Yes：　brought　it　down　with
me。　Do　you　suppose　I'm　such　a　fool　as　to　let　it　out　of　my　hands？
Why；　it　gives　a　list　of　all　our　anti…aircraft　emplacements　from
Ramsgate　to　Skegness。　The　Germans　would　give　a　million　for　it
what？。。。　But　how　could　she　possibly　know　about　it？　I　haven't
mentioned　it　to　a　soul；　except；　of　course；　dear　Lucy。。。Oh；　Toto
and　Lady　Popham　and　that　lot：　they　don't　count：　they're　all
right。　I　mean　that　I　haven't　mentioned　it　to　any　Germans。。。。
Pooh！　Don't　you　be　nervous；　old　chap。　I　know　you　think　me　a　fool；
but　I'm　not　such　a　fool　as　all　that。　If　she　tries　to　get　it　out
of　me　I'll　have　her　in　the　Tower　before　you　ring　up　again。　＇The
clerk　returns。＇　Sh…sh！　Somebody's　just　come　in：　ring　off。
Goodbye。　＇He　hangs　up　the　receiver。＇

THE　CLERK。　Are　you　engaged？　＇His　manner　is　strangely　softened。＇

AUGUSTUS。　What　business　is　that　of　yours？　However；　if　you　will
take　the　trouble　to　read　the　society　papers　for　this　week；　you
will　see　that　I　am　engaged　to　the　Honorable　Lucy　Popham；　youngest
daughter　of

THE　CLERK。　That　ain't　what　I　mean。　Can　you　see　a　female？

AUGUSTUS。　Of　course　I　can　see　a　female　as　easily　as　a　male。　Do
you　suppose　I'm　blind？

THE　CLERK。　You　don't　seem　to　follow　me；　somehow。　There's　a　female
downstairs：　what　you　might　call　a　lady。　She　wants　to　know　can　you
see　her　if　I　let　her　up。

AUGUSTUS。　Oh；　you　mean　am　I　disengaged。　Tell　the　lady　I　have　just
received　news　of　the　greatest　importance　which　will　occupy　my
entire　attention　for　the　rest　of　the　day；　and　that　she　must　write
for　an　appointment。

THE　CLERK。　I'll　ask　her　to　explain　her　business　to　me。　I　ain't
above　talking　to　a　handsome　young　female　when　I　get　the　chance
＇going＇。

AUGUSTUS。　Stop。　Does　she　seem　to　be　a　person　of　consequence？

THE　CLERK。　A　regular　marchioness；　if　you　ask　me。

AUGUSTUS。　Hm！　Beautiful；　did　you　say？

THE　CLERK。　A　human　chrysanthemum；　sir；　believe　me。

AUGUSTUS。　It　will　be　extremely　inconvenient　for　me　to　see　her；
but　the　country　is　in　danger；　and　we　must　not　consider　our　own
comfort。　Think　how　our　gallant　fellows　are　suffering　in　the
trenches！　Show　her　up。　＇The　clerk　makes　for　the　door；　whistling
the　latest　popular　ballad＇。　Stop　whistling　instantly；　sir。　This
is　not　a　casino。

CLERK。　Ain't　it？　You　just　wait　till　you　see　her。　＇He　goes　out。＇

Augustus　produces　a　mirror；　a　comb；　and　a　pot　of　moustache　pomade
from　the　drawer　of　the　writing…table；　and　sits　down　before　the
mirror　to　put　some　touches　to　his　toilet。

The　clerk　returns；　devotedly　ushering　a　very　attractive　lady；
brilliantly　dressed。　She　has　a　dainty　wallet　hanging　from　her
wrist。　Augustus　hastily　covers　up　his　toilet　apparatus　with　The
Morning　Post；　and　rises　in　an　attitude　of　pompous　condescension。

THE　CLERK　＇to　Augustus＇。　Here　she　is。　＇To　the　lady。＇　May　I　offer
you　a　chair；　lady？　＇He　places　a　chair　at　the　writing…table
opposite　Augustus；　and　steals　out　on　tiptoe。＇

AUGUSTUS。　Be　seated；　madam。

THE　LADY　＇sitting　down＇。　Are　you　Lord　Augustus　Highcastle？

AUGUSTUS　＇sitting　also＇。　Madam；　I　am。

TAE　LADY　＇with　awe＇。　The　great　Lord　Augustus？

AUGUSTUS。　I　should　not　dream　of　describing　myself　so；　Madam；　but
no　doubt　I　have　impressed　my　countrymenand　＇bowing　gallantly＇
may　I　say　my　countrywomenas　having　some　exceptional　claims　to
their　consideration。

THE　LADY　＇emotionally＇。　What　a　beautiful　voice　you　have！

AUGUSTUS。　What　you　hear；　madam；　is　the　voice　of　my　country；　which
now　takes　a　sweet　and　noble　tone　even　in　the　harsh　mouth　of　high
officialism。

THE　LADY。　Please　go　on。　You　express　yourself　so　wonderfully！

AUGUSTUS。　It　would　be　strange　indeed　if；　after　sitting　on
thirty…seven　Royal　Commissions；　mostly　as　chairman；　I　had　not
mastered　the　art　of　public　expression。　Even　the　Radical　papers
have　paid　me　the　high　compliment　of　declaring　that　I　am　never
more　impressive　than　when　I　have　nothing　to　say。

THE　LADY。　I　never　read　the　Radical　papers。　All　I　can　tell　you　is
that　what　we　women　admire　in　you　is　not　the　politician；　but　the
man　of　action；　the　heroic　warrior；　the　beau　sabreur。

AUGUSTUS　＇gloomily＇。　Madam；　I　beg！　Please！　My　military　exploits
are　not　a　pleasant　subject；　unhappily。

THE　LADY。　Oh；　I　know　I　know。　How　shamefully　you　have　been
treated！　what　ingratitude！　But　the　country　is　with　you。　The　women
are　with　you。　Oh；　do　you　think　all　our　hearts　did　not　throb　and
all　our　nerves　thrill　when　we　heard　how；　when　you　were　ordered　to
occupy　that　terrible　quarry　in　Hulluch；　and　you　swept　into　it　at
the　head　of　your　men　like　a　sea…god　riding　on　a　tidal　wave；　you
suddenly　sprang　over　the　top　shouting　〃To　Berlin！　Forward！〃；
dashed　at　the　German　army　single…handed；　and　were　cut　off　and
made　prisoner　by　the　Huns。

AUGUSTUS。　Yes；　madam；　and　what　was　my　reward？　They　said　I
had　disobeyed　orders；　and　sent　me　home。　Have　they　forgotten
Nelson　in　the　Baltic？　Has　any　British　battle　ever　been　won　except
by　a　bold　initiative？　I　say　nothing　of　professional　jealousy；　it
exists　in　the　army　as　elsewhere；　but　it　is　a　bitter　thought　to　me
that　the　recognition　denied　me　by　my　countryor　rather　by　the
Radical　cabal　in　the　Cabinet　which　pursues　my　family　with
rancorous　class　hatredthat　this　recognition；　I　say；　came　to　me
at　the　hands　of　an　enemyof　a　rank　Prussian。

THE　LADY。　You　don't　say　so！

AUGUSTUS。　How　else　should　I　be　here　instead　of　starving　to　death
in　Ruhleben？　Yes；　madam：　the　Colonel　of　the　Pomeranian　regiment
which　captured　me；　after　learning　what　I　had　done；　and　conversing
for　an　hour　with　me　on　European　politics　and　military　strategy；
declared　that　nothing　would　induce　him　to　deprive　my　country　of
my　services；　and　set　me　free。　I　offered；　of　course；　to　procure
the　release　in　exchange　of　a　German　officer　of　equal　quality；　but
he　would　not　hear　of　it。　He　was　kind　enough　to　say　he　could　not
believe　that　a　German　officer　answering　to　that　description
existed。　＇With　emotion。＇　I　had　my　first　taste　of　the　ingratitude
of　my　own　country　as　I　made　my　way　back　to　our　lines。　A　shot　from
our　front　trench　struck　me　in　the　head。　I　still　carry　the
flattened　projectile　as　a　trophy　＇he　throws　it　on　the　table；　the
noise　it　makes　testifies　to　its　weight＇。　Had　it　penetrated　to　the
brain　I　might　never　have　sat　on　another　Royal　Commission。
Fortunately　we　have　strong　heads；　we　Highcastles。　Nothing　has
ever　penetrated　to　our　brains。

THE　LADY。　How　thrilling！　How　simple！　And　how　tragic！　But　you　will
forgive　England？　Remember：　England！　Forgive　her。

AUGUSTUS　＇with　gloomy　magnanimity＇。　It　will　make　no　difference
whatever　to　my　services　to　my　country。　Though　she　slay　me；　yet
will　I；　if　not　exactly　trust　in　her；　at　least　take　my　part　in　her
government。　I　am　ever　at　my　country's　call。　Whether　it　be　the
embassy　in　a　leading　European　capital；　a　governor…generalship　in
the　tropics；　or　my　humble　mission　here　to　make　Little　Pifflington
do　its　bit；　I　am　always　ready　for　the　sacrifice。　Whilst　England
remains　England；　wherever　there　is　a　public　job　to　be　done　you
will　find　a　Highcastle　sticking　to　it。　And　now；　madam；　enough　of
my　tragic　personal　history。　You　have　called　on　business。　What　can
I　do　for　you？

THE　LADY。　You　have　relatives　at　the　Foreign　Office；　have　you　not？

AUGUSTUS　＇haughtily＇。　Madam；　the　Foreign　Office　is　staffed　by　my
relatives　exclusively。

THE　LADY。　Has　the　Foreign　Office　warned　you　that　you　are　being
pursued　by　a　female　spy　who　is　determined　to　obtain　possession　of
a　certain　list　of　gun　emplacements？

AUGUSTUS　＇interrupting　her　somewhat　loftily＇。　All　that　is
perfectly　well　known　to　this　department；　madam。

THE　LADY　＇surprised　and　rather　indignant＇。　Is　it？　Who　told　you？
Was　it　one　of　your　German　brothers…in…law？

AUGUSTUS　＇injured；　remonstrating＇。　I　have　only　three　German
brothers…in…law；　madam。　Really；　from　your　tone；　one　would　suppose
that　I　had　several。　Pardon　my　sensitiveness　on　that　subject；　but
reports　are　continually　being　circulated　that　I　have　been　shot　as
a　traitor　in　the　courtyard　of　the　Ritz　Hotel　simply　because　I
have　German　brothers…in…law。　＇With　feeling。＇　If　you　had　a　German
brother…in…law；　madam；　you　would　know　that　nothing　else　in　the
world　produces　so　strong　an　anti…German　feeling。　Life　aff