augustus does his bit-第3章

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world　produces　so　strong　an　anti…German　feeling。　Life　affords　no
keener　pleasure　than　finding　a　brother…in…law's　name　in　the
German　casualty　list。

THE　LADY。　Nobody　knows　that　better　than　I。　Wait　until　you　hear
what　I　have　come　to　tell　you：　you　will　understand　me　as　no　one
else　could。　Listen。　This　spy；　this　woman

AUGUSTUS　＇all　attention＇。　Yes？

THE　LADY。　She　is　a　German。　A　Hun。

AUGUSTUS。　Yes；　yes。　She　would　be。　Continue。

THE　LADY。　She　is　my　sister…in…law。

AUGUSTUS　＇deferentially＇。　I　see　you　are　well　connected；　madam。
Proceed。

THE　LADY。　Need　I　add　that　she　is　my　bitterest　enemy？

AUGUSTUS。　May　I＇he　proffers　his　hand。　They　shake；　fervently。
》From　this　moment　onward　Augustus　becomes　more　and　more
confidential；　gallant；　and　charming。＇

THE　LADY。　Quite　so。　Well；　she　is　an　intimate　friend　of　your
brother　at　the　War　Office；　Hungerford　Highcastle；　Blueloo　as　you
call　him；　I　don't　know　why。

AUGUSTUS　＇explaining＇。　He　was　originally　called　The　Singing
Oyster；　because　he　sang　drawing…room　ballads　with　such　an
extraordinary　absence　of　expression。　He　was　then　called　the　Blue
Point　for　a　season　or　two。　Finally　he　became　Blueloo。

THE　LADY。　Oh；　indeed：　I　didn't　know。　Well；　Blueloo　is　simply
infatuated　with　my　sister…in…law；　and　he　has　rashly　let　out　to
her　that　this　list　is　in　your　possession。　He　forgot　himself
because　he　was　in　a　towering　rage　at　its　being　entrusted　to　you：
his　language　was　terrible。　He　ordered　all　the　guns　to　be　shifted
at　once。

AUGUSTUS。　What　on　earth　did　he　do　that　for？

THE　LADY。　I　can't　imagine。　But　this　I　know。　She　made　a　bet　with
him　that　she　would　come　down　here　and　obtain　possession　of　that
list　and　get　clean　away　into　the　street　with　it。　He　took　the　bet
on　condition　that　she　brought　it　straight　back　to　him　at　the　War
Office。

AUGUSTUS。　Good　heavens！　And　you　mean　to　tell　me　that　Blueloo　was
such　a　dolt　as　to　believe　that　she　could　succeed？　Does　he　take　me
for　a　fool？

THE　LADY。　Oh；　impossible！　He　is　jealous　of　your　intellect。　The
bet　is　an　insult　to　you：　don't　you　feel　that？　After　what　you　have
done　for　our　country

AUGUSTUS。　Oh；　never　mind　that。　It　is　the　idiocy　of　the　thing　I
look　at。　He'll　lose　his　bet；　and　serve　him　right！

THE　LADY。　You　feel　sure　you　will　be　able　to　resist　the　siren？　I
warn　you；　she　is　very　fascinating。

AUGUSTUS。　You　need　have　no　fear；　madam。　I　hope　she　will　come　and
try　it　on。　Fascination　is　a　game　that　two　can　play　at。　For
centuries　the　younger　sons　of　the　Highcastles　have　had　nothing　to
do　but　fascinate　attractive　females　when　they　were　not　sitting　on
Royal　Commissions　or　on　duty　at　Knightsbridge　barracks。　By　Gad；
madam；　if　the　siren　comes　here　she　will　meet　her　match。

THE　LADY。　I　feel　that。　But　if　she　fails　to　seduce　you

AUGUSTUS　＇blushing＇。　Madam！

THE　LADY　＇continuing＇from　your　allegiance

AUGUSTUS。　Oh；　that！

THE　LADY。　she　will　resort　to　fraud；　to　force；　to　anything。　She
will　burgle　your　office：　she　will　have　you　attacked　and　garotted
at　night　in　the　street。

AUGUSTUS。　Pooh！　I'm　not　afraid。

THE　LADY。　Oh；　your　courage　will　only　tempt　you　into　danger。　She
may　get　the　list　after　all。　It　is　true　that　the　guns　are　moved。
But　she　would　win　her　bet。

AUGUSTUS　＇cautiously＇。　You　did　not　say　that　the　guns　were　moved。
You　said　that　Blueloo　had　ordered　them　to　be　moved。

THE　LADY。　Well；　that　is　the　same　thing；　isn't　it？

AUGUSTUS。　Not　quiteat　the　War　Office。　No　doubt　those　guns　WILL
be　moved：　possibly　even　before　the　end　of　the　war。

THE　LADY。　Then　you　think　they　are　there　still！　But　if　the　German
War　Office　gets　the　listand　she　will　copy　it　before　she　gives
it　back　to　Blueloo；　you　may　depend　on　itall　is　lost。

AUGUSTUS　＇lazily＇。　Well；　I　should　not　go　as　far　as　that。
＇Lowering　his　voice。＇　Will　you　swear　to　me　not　to　repeat　what　I
am　going　to　say　to　you；　for　if　the　British　public　knew　that　I　had
said　it；　I　should　be　at　once　hounded　down　as　a　pro…German。

THE　LADY。　I　will　be　silent　as　the　grave。　I　swear　it。

AUGUSTUS　＇again　taking　it　easily＇。　Well；　our　people　have　for　some
reason　made　up　their　minds　that　the　German　War　Office　is
everything　that　our　War　Office　is　notthat　it　carries
promptitude；　efficiency；　and　organization　to　a　pitch　of
completeness　and　perfection　that　must　be；　in　my　opinion；
destructive　to　the　happiness　of　the　staff。　My　own　viewwhich　you
are　pledged；　remember；　not　to　betrayis　that　the　German　War
Office　is　no　better　than　any　other　War　Office。　I　found　that
opinion　on　my　observation　of　the　characters　of　my
brothers…in…law：　one　of　whom；　by　the　way；　is　on　the　German
general　staff。　I　am　not　at　all　sure　that　this　list　of　gun
emplacements　would　receive　the　smallest　attention。　You　see；　there
are　always　so　many　more　important　things　to　be　attended　to。
Family　matters；　and　so　on；　you　understand。

THE　LADY。　Still；　if　a　question　were　asked　in　the　House　of
Commons

AUGUSTUS。　The　great　advantage　of　being　at　war；　madam；　is　that
nobody　takes　the　slightest　notice　of　the　House　of　Commons。　No
doubt　it　is　sometimes　necessary　for　a　Minister　to　soothe　the　more
seditious　members　of　that　assembly　by　giving　a　pledge　or　two；　but
the　War　Office　takes　no　notice　of　such　things。

THE　LADY　＇staring　at　him＇。　Then　you　think　this　list　of　gun
emplacements　doesn't　matter！！

AUGUSTUS。　By　no　means；　madam。　It　matters　very　much　indeed。　If
this　spy　were　to　obtain　possession　of　the　list；　Blueloo　would
tell　the　story　at　every　dinner…table　in　London；　and

THE　LADY。　And　you　might　lose　your　post。　Of　course。

AUGUSTUS　＇amazed　and　indignant＇。　I　lose　my　post！　What　are　you
dreaming　about；　madam？　How　could　I　possibly　be　spared？　There　are
hardly　Highcastles　enough　at　present　to　fill　half　the　posts
created　by　this　war。　No：　Blueloo　would　not　go　that　far。　He　is　at
least　a　gentleman。　But　I　should　be　chaffed；　and；　frankly；　I　don't
like　being　chaffed。

THE　LADY。　Of　course　not。　Who　does？　It　would　never　do。　Oh　never；
never。

AUGUSTUS。　I'm　glad　you　see　it　in　that　light。　And　now；　as　a
measure　of　security；　I　shall　put　that　list　in　my　pocket。　＇He
begins　searching　vainly　from　drawer　to　drawer　in　the
writing…table。＇　Where　on　earth？　What　the　dickens　did　I？
That's　very　odd：　IWhere　the　deuce？　I　thought　I　had　put　it　in
theOh；　here　it　is！　No：　this　is　Lucy's　last　letter。

THE　LADY　＇elegiacally＇。　Lucy's　Last　Letter！　What　a　title　for　a
picture　play！

AUGUSTUS　＇delighted＇。　Yes：　it　is；　isn't　it？　Lucy　appeals　to　the
imagination　like　no　other　woman。　By　the　way　＇handing　over　the
letter＇；　I　wonder　could　you　read　it　for　me？　Lucy　is　a　darling
girl；　but　I　really　can't　read　her　writing。　In　London　I　get　the
office　typist　to　decipher　it　and　make　me　a　typed　copy；　but　here
there　is　nobody。

THE　LADY　＇puzzling　over　it＇。　It　is　really　almost　illegible。　I
think　the　beginning　is　meant　for　〃Dearest　Gus。〃

AUGUSTUS　＇eagerly＇。　Yes：　that　is　what　she　usually　calls　me。
Please　go　on。

THE　LADY　＇trying　to　decipher　it＇。　〃What　a〃〃what　a〃oh　yes：
〃what　a　forgetful　old〃something〃you　are！〃　I　can't　make　out
the　word。

AUGUSTUS　＇greatly　interested＇。　Is　it　blighter？　That　is　a　favorite
expression　of　hers。

THE　LADY。　I　think　so。　At　all　events　it　begins　with　a　B。
＇Reading。＇　〃What　a　forgetful　old〃＇she　is　interrupted　by　a　knock
at　the　door。＇

AUGUSTUS　＇impatiently＇。　Come　in。　＇The　clerk　enters；　clean　shaven
and　in　khaki；　with　an　official　paper　and　an　envelope　in　his
hand。＇　What　is　this　ridiculous　mummery　sir？

THE　CLERK　＇coming　to　the　table　and　exhibiting　his　uniform　to
both＇。　They've　passed　me。　The　recruiting　officer　come　for　me。
I've　had　my　two　and　seven。

AUGUSTUS　＇rising　wrathfully＇。　I　shall　not　permit　it。　What　do　they
mean　by　taking　my　office　staff？　Good　God！　they　will　be　taking　our
hunt　servants　next。　＇Confronting　the　clerk。＇　What　did　the　man
mean？　What　did　he　say？

THE　CLERK。　He　said　that　now　you　was　on　the　job　we'd　want　another
million　men；　and　he　was　going　to　take　the　old…age　pensioners　or
anyone　he　could　get。

AUGUSTUS。　And　did　you　dare　to　knock　at　my　door　and　interrupt　my
business　with　this　lady　to　repeat　this　man's　ineptitudes？

THE　CLERK。　No。　I　come　because　the　waiter　from　the　hotel　brought
this　paper。　You　left　it　on　the　coffeeroom　breakfast…table　this
morning。

THE　LADY　＇intercepting　it＇。　It　is　the　list。　Good　heavens！

THE　CLERK　＇proffering　the　envelope＇。　He　says　he　thinks　this　is
the　envelope　belonging　to　it。

THE　LADY　＇snatching　the　envelope　also＇。　Yes！　Addressed　to　you；
Lord　Augustus！　＇Augustus　comes　back　to　the　table　to　look　at　it。＇
Oh；　how　imprudent！　Everybody　would　guess　its　importance　with　your
name　on　it。　Fortunately　I　have　some　letters　of　my　own　here
＇opening　her　wallet。＇　Why　not　hide　it　in　one　of　my　envelopes？
then　no　one　will　dream　that　the　enclosure　is　of　any　political
value。　＇Taking　out　a　letter；　she　crosses　the　room　towards　the
window；　whispering　to　Augustus　as　she　passes　him。＇　Get　rid　of
that　man。

AUGUSTUS　＇haughtily　approaching　the　clerk；　who　humorously　makes　a
paralytic　attempt　to　stand　at　attention＇。　Have　you　any　further
business　here；　pray？

THE　CLERK。　Am　I　to　give　the　waiter　anything；　or　will　you　do　it
yourself？

AUGUSTUS。　Which　waiter　is　it？　The　English　one？

THE　CLERK。　No：　the　one　that　calls　hisself　a　Swiss。　Shouldn't
wonder　if　he'd　made　a　copy　of　that　paper。

AUGUSTUS。　Keep　your　impertinent　surmises　to　yourself；　sir。
Remember　that　you　are　in　the　army　now；　and　let　me　have　no　more　of
your　civilian　insubordination。　Attention！　Left　turn！　Quick　march！

THE　CLERK　＇stolidly＇。　I　dunno　what　you　mean。

AUGUSTUS。　Go　to　the　guard…room　and　report　yourself　for　disobeying
orders。　Now　do　you　know　what　I　mean？

THE　CLERK。　Now　look　here。　I　ain't　going　to　argue　with　you

AUGUSTUS。　Nor　I　with　you。　Out　with　you。

He　seizes　the　clerk：　and　rushes　him　through　the　door。　The　moment
the　lady　is　left　alone；　she　snatches　a　sheet　of　official　paper
from　the　stationery　rack：　folds　it　so　that　it　resembles　the　list；
compares　the　two　to　see　that　they　look　exactly　alike：　whips　the
list　into　her　wallet：　and　substitutes　the　facsimile　for　it。　Then
she　listens　for　the　return　of　Augustus。　A　crash　is　heard；　as　of
the　clerk　falling　downstairs。

Augustus　returns　and　is　about　to　close　the　door　when　the　voice　of
the　clerk　is　heard　from　below。

THE　CLERK。　I'll　have　the　law　of　you　for　this；　I　will。

AUGUSTUS　＇shouting　down　to　him＇。　There's　no　more　law　for　you；　you
scoundrel。　You're　a　soldier　now。　＇He　shuts　the　door　and　comes　to
the　lady。＇　Thank　heaven；　the　war　has　given　us　the　upper　hand　of
these　fellows　at　last。　Excuse　my　violence；　but　discipline　is
absolutely　necessary　in　dealing　with　the　lower　middle　classes。

THE　LADY。　Serve　the　insolent　creature　right！　Look　I　have　found
you　a　beautiful　envelope　for　the　list；　an　unmistakable　lady's
envelope。　＇She　puts　the　sham　list　into　her　envelope　and　hands　it
to　him。＇

AUGUSTUS。　Excellent。　Really　very　clever　of　you。　＇Slyly。＇　Come：
would　you　like　to　have　a　peep　at　the　list　＇beginning　to　take　the
blank　paper　from　the　envelope＇？

THE　LADY　＇on　the　brink　of　detection＇。　No　no。　Oh；　please；　no。

AUGUSTUS。　Why？　It　won't　bite　you　＇drawing　it　out　further。＇

THE　LADY　＇snatching　at　his　hand＇。　Stop。　Remember：　if　there　should
be　an　inquiry；　you　must　be　able　to　swear　that　you　never　showed
that　list　to　a　mortal　soul。