the red cross girl(红十字姑娘)-第26章
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her doubts and speculations concerning him shut out every other interest。
He became a perplexing； insistent problem。 He was never out of her mind。
And then he would spoil it all by writing her that he loved her and that of
all the women in the world she was the only one。 And； reassured upon that
point； Helen happily and promptly would forget all about him。
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But when she remembered him； although months had passed since she
had seen him； she remembered him much more distinctly； much more
gratefully； than that one of the two hundred and fifty with whom she had
walked that same afternoon。 Latimer could not know it； but of that anxious
multitude he was first； and there was no second。 At least Helen hoped；
when she was ready to marry； she would love Latimer enough to want to
marry him。 But as yet she assured herself she did not want to marry any
one。 As she was； life was very satisfactory。 Everybody loved her；
everybody invited her to be of his party； or invited himself to join hers；
and the object of each seemed to be to see that she enjoyed every hour of
every day。 Her nature was such that to make her happy was not difficult。
Some of her devotees could do it by giving her a dance and letting her
invite half of Boston； and her kid brother could do it by taking her to
Cambridge to watch the team at practice。
She thought she was happy because she was free。 As a matter of fact；
she was happy because she loved some one and that particular some one
loved her。 Her being 〃free〃 was only her mistaken way of putting it。 Had
she thought she had lost Latimer and his love； she would have discovered
that； so far from being free； she was bound hand and foot and heart and
soul。
But she did not know that； and Latimer did not know that。
Meanwhile； from the branch of the tree in the sheltered； secret hiding…
place that overlooked the ocean； the sailorman kept watch。 The sun had
blistered him； the storms had buffeted him； the snow had frozen upon his
shoulders。 But his loyalty never relaxed。 He spun to the north； he spun to
the south； and so rapidly did he scan the surrounding landscape that no one
could hope to creep upon him unawares。 Nor； indeed； did any one attempt
to do so。 Once a fox stole into the secret hiding…place； but the sailorman
flapped his oars and frightened him away。 He was always triumphant。 To
birds； to squirrels； to trespassing rabbits he was a thing of terror。 Once；
when the air was still； an impertinent crow perched on the very limb on
which he stood； and with scornful； disapproving eyes surveyed his white
trousers； his blue reefer； his red cheeks。 But when the wind suddenly drove
past them the sailorman sprang into action and the crow screamed in alarm
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and darted away。 So； alone and with no one to come to his relief； the
sailorman stood his watch。 About him the branches bent with the snow； the
icicles froze him into immobility； and in the tree…tops strange groanings
filled him with alarms。 But undaunted； month after month； alert and
smiling； he waited the return of the beautiful lady and of the tall young
man who had devoured her with such beseeching； unhappy eyes。
Latimer found that to love a woman like Helen Page as he loved her
was the best thing that could come into his life。 But to sit down and lament
over the fact that she did not love him did not； to use his favorite
expression； 〃tend toward efficiency。〃 He removed from his sight the three
pictures of her he had cut from illustrated papers； and ceased to write to
her。
In his last letter he said： 〃I have told you how it is； and that is how it is
always going to be。 There never has been； there never can be any one but
you。 But my love is too precious； too sacred to be brought out every week
in a letter and dangled before your eyes like an advertisement of a motor…
car。 It is too wonderful a thing to be cheapened； to be subjected to slights
and silence。 If ever you should want it； it is yours。 It is here waiting。 But
you must tell me so。 I have done everything a man can do to make you
understand。 But you do not want me or my love。 And my love says to me：
'Don't send me there again to have the door shut in my face。 Keep me with
you to be your inspiration； to help you to live worthily。' And so it shall be。〃
When Helen read that letter she did not know what to do。 She did not
know how to answer it。 Her first impression was that suddenly she had
grown very old； and that some one had turned off the sun； and that in
consequence the world had naturally grown cold and dark。 She could not
see why the two hundred and forty…nine expected her to keep on doing
exactly the same things she had been doing with delight for six months；
and indeed for the last six years。 Why could they not see that no longer
was there any pleasure in them？ She would have written and told Latimer
that she found she loved him very dearly if in her mind there had not
arisen a fearful doubt。 Suppose his letter was not quite honest？ He said
that he would always love her； but how could she now know that？ Why
might not this letter be only his way of withdrawing from a position which
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he wished to abandon； from which； perhaps； he was even glad to escape？
Were this true； and she wrote and said all those things that were in her
heart； that now she knew were true； might she not hold him to her against
his will？ The love that once he had for her might no longer exist； and if； in
her turn； she told him she loved him and had always loved him； might he
not in some mistaken spirit of chivalry feel it was his duty to pretend to
care？ Her cheeks burned at the thought。 It was intolerable。 She could not
write that letter。 And as day succeeded day； to do so became more difficult。
And so she never wrote and was very unhappy。 And Latimer was very
unhappy。 But he had his work； and Helen had none； and for her life
became a game of putting little things together； like a picture puzzle； an
hour here and an hour there； to make up each day。 It was a dreary game。
From time to time she heard of him through the newspapers。 For； in
his own State； he was an 〃Insurgent〃 making a fight； the outcome of which
was expected to show what might follow throughout the entire West。
When he won his fight much more was written about him； and he became
a national figure。 In his own State the people hailed him as the next
governor； promised him a seat in the Senate。 To Helen this seemed to take
him further out of her life。 She wondered if now she held a place even in
his thoughts。
At Fair Harbor the two hundred and forty…nine used to joke with her
about her politician。 Then they considered Latimer of importance only
because Helen liked him。 Now they discussed him impersonally and over
her head； as though she were not present； as a power； an influence； as the
leader and exponent of a new idea。 They seemed to think she no longer
could pretend to any peculiar claim upon him； that now he belonged to all
of them。
Older men would say to her： 〃I hear you know Latimer？ What sort of a
man is he？〃
Helen would not know what to tell them。 She could not say he was a
man who sat with his back to a pine…tree； reading from a book of verse； or
halting to devour her with humble； entreating eyes。
She went South for the winter； the doctors deciding she was run down
and needed the change。 And with an unhappy laugh at her own expense
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she agreed in their diagnosis。 She was indifferent as to where they sent her；
for she knew wherever she went she must still force herself to go on
putting one hour on top of another； until she had built up the inexorable
and necessary twenty…four。
When she returned winter was departing； but reluctantly； and returning
unexpectedly to cover the world with snow； to eclipse the thin spring
sunshine with cheerless clouds。 Helen took herself seriously to task。 She
assured herself it was weak…minded to rebel。 The summer was coming and
Fair Harbor with all its old delights was before her。 She compelled herself
to take heart； to accept the fact that； after all； the world is a pretty good
place； and that to think only of the past； to live only on memories and
regrets； was not only cowardly and selfish； but； as Latimer had already
decided； did not tend toward efficiency。
Among the other rules of conduct that she imposed upon herself was
not to think of Latimer。 At least； not during the waking hours。 Should she；
as it sometimes happened； dream of himshould she imagine they were
again seated among the pines； riding across the downs； or racing at fifty
miles an hour through country roads； with the stone fences flying past；
with the wind and the sun in their eyes； and in their hearts happiness and
contentthat would not be breaking her rule。 If she dreamed of him； she
could not be held responsible。 She could only be grateful。
And then； just as she had banished him entirely from her mind； he
came East。 Not as once he had planned to come； only to see her； but with a
blare of trumpets； at the command of many citizens； as the guest of three
cities。 He was to speak at public meetings； to confer with party leaders； to
carry the war into the enemy's country。 He was due to speak in Boston at
Faneuil Hall on the first of May； and that same night to leave for the West；
and three days before his coming Helen fled from the city。 He had spoken
his message to Philadelphia； he had spoken to New York； and for a week
the papers had spoken only of him。 And for that week； from the sight of
his printed name； from sketches of him exhort
