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Droll Stories 'V。 3'



by Honore de Balzac






COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE

VOLUME III: THE THIRD TEN TALES








CONTENTS





THE THIRD TEN TALES



PROLOGUE

PERSEVERANCE IN LOVE

CONCERNING A PROVOST WHO DID NOT RECOGNISE THINGS

ABOUT THE MONK AMADOR; WHO WAS A GLORIOUS ABBOT OF TURPENAY

BERTHA THE PENITENT

HOW THE PRETTY MAID OF PORTILLON CONVINCED HER JUDGE

IN WHICH IT IS DEMONSTRATED THAT FORTUNE IS ALWAYS FEMININE

CONCERNING A POOR MAN WHO WAS CALLED LE VIEUX PAR…CHEMINS

ODD SAYINGS OF THREE PILGRIMS

INNOCENCE

THE FAIR IMPERIA MARRIED











THIRD TEN TALES







PROLOGUE



Certain persons have interrogated the author as to why there was such

a demand for these tales that no year passes without his giving an

instalment of them; and why he has lately taken to writing commas

mixed up with bad syllables; at which the ladies publicly knit their

brows; and have put to him other questions of a like character。



The author declares that these treacherous words; cast like pebbles in

his path; have touched him in the very depths of his heart; and he is

sufficiently cognisant of his duty not to fail to give to his special

audience in this prologue certain reasons other than the preceding

ones; because it is always necessary to reason with children until

they are grown up; understand things; and hold their tongues; and

because he perceives many mischievous fellows among the crowd of noisy

people; who ignore at pleasure the real object of these volumes。



In the first place know; that if certain virtuous ladiesI say

virtuous because common and low class women do not read these stories;

preferring those that are never published; on the contrary; other

citizens' wives and ladies; of high respectability and godliness;

although doubtless disgusted with the subject…matter; read them

piously to satisfy an evil spirit; and thus keep themselves virtuous。

Do you understand; my good reapers of horns? It is better to be

deceived by the tale of a book than cuckolded through the story of a

gentleman。 You are saved the damage by this; poor fools! besides

which; often your lady becomes enamoured; is seized with fecund

agitations to your advantage; raised in her by the present book。

Therefore do these volumes assist to populate the land and maintain it

in mirth; honour and health。 I say mirth; because much is to be

derived from these tales。 I say honour; because you save your nest

from the claws of that youthful demon named cuckoldom in the language

of the Celts。 I say health; because this book incites that which was

prescribed by the Church of Salerno; for the avoidance of cerebral

plethora。 Can you derive a like proof in any other typographically

blackened portfolios? Ha! ha! where are the books that make children?

Think! Nowhere。 But you will find a glut of children making books

which beget nothing but weariness。



But to continue。 Now be it known that when ladies; of a virtuous

nature and a talkative turn of mind; converse publicly on the subject

of these volumes; a great number of them; far from reprimanding the

author; confess that they like him very much; esteem him a valiant

man; worthy to be a monk in the Abbey of Theleme。 For as many reasons

as there are stars in the heavens; he does not drop the style which he

has adopted in these said tales; but lets himself be vituperated; and

keeps steadily on his way; because noble France is a woman who refuses

to yield; crying; twisting about; and saying;



〃No; no; never! Oh; sir; what are you going to do? I won't let you;

you'd rumple me。〃



And when the volume is done and finished; all smiles; she exclaims;



〃Oh; master; are there any more to come?〃



You may take it for granted that the author is a merry fellow; who

troubles himself little about the cries; tears and tricks of the lady

you call glory; fashion; or public favour; for he knows her to be a

wanton who would put up with any violence。 He knows that in France her

war…cry is; Mount Joy! A fine cry indeed; but one which certain

writers have disfigured; and which signifies; 〃Joy it is not of the

earth; it is there; seize it; otherwise good…bye。〃 The author has this

interpretation from Rabelais; who told it to him。 If you search

history; has France ever breathed a word when she was joyous mounted;

bravely mounted; passionately mounted; mounted and out of breath? She

goes furiously at everything; and likes this exercise better than

drinking。 Now; do you not see that these volumes are French; joyfully

French; wildly French; French before; French behind; French to the

backbone。 Back then; curs! strike up the music; silence; bigots!

advance my merry wags; my little pages; put your soft hands into the

ladies' hands and tickle them in the middleof the hand of course。

Ha! ha! these are high sounding and peripatetic reasons; or the author

knows nothing of sound and the philosophy of Aristotle。 He has on his

side the crown of France and the oriflamme of the king and Monsieur

St。 Denis; who; having lost his head; said 〃Mount…my…Joy!〃 Do you mean

to say; you quadrupeds; that the word is wrong? No。 It was certainly

heard by a great many people at the time; but in these days of deep

wretchedness you believe nothing concerning the good old saints。



The author has not finished yet。 Know all ye who read these tales with

eye and hand; feel them in the head alone; and love them for the joy

they bring you; and which goes to your heart; know that the author

having in an evil hour let his ideas; /id est/; his inheritance; go

astray; and being unable to get them together again; found himself in

a state of mental nudity。 Then he cried like the woodcutter in the

prologue of the book of his dear master Rabelais; in order to make

himself heard by the gentleman on high; Lord Paramount of all things;

and obtain from Him fresh ideas。 This said Most High; still busy with

the congress of the time; threw to him through Mercury an inkstand

with two cups; on which was engraved; after the manner of a motto;

these three letters; /Ave/。 Then the poor fellow; perceiving no other

help; took great care to turn over this said inkstand to find out the

hidden meaning of it; thinking over the mysterious words and trying to

find a key to them。 First; he saw that God was polite; like the great

Lord as He is; because the world is His; and He holds the title of it

from no one。 But since; in thinking over the days of his youth; he

remembered no great service rendered to God; the author was in doubt

concerning this hollow civility; and pondered long without finding out

the real substance of the celestial utensil。 By reason of turning it

and twisting it about; studying it; looking at it; feeling it;

emptying it; knocking it in an interrogatory manner; smacking it down;

standing it up straight; standing it on one side; and turning it

upside down; he read backwards /Eva/。 Who is /Eva/; if not all women

in one? Therefore by the Voice Divine was it said to the author:



Think of women; woman will heal thy wound; stop the waste…hole in thy

bag of tricks。 Woman is thy wealth; have but one woman; dress;

undress; and fondle that women; make use of the womanwoman is

everythingwoman has an inkstand of her own; dip thy pen in that

bottomless inkpot。 Women like love; make love to her with the pen

only; tickle her phantasies; and sketch merrily for her a thousand

pictures of love in a thousand pretty ways。 Woman is generous; and all

for one; or one for all; must pay the painter; and furnish the hairs

of the brush。 Now; muse upon that which is written here。 /Ave/; Hail;

/Eva/; woman; or /Eva/; woman; /Ave/; Hail。 Yes; she makes and

unmakes。 Heigh; then; for the inkstand! What does woman like best?

What does she desire? All the special things of love; and woman is

right。 To have children; to produce an imitation; of nature; which is

always in labour。 Come to me; then; woman!come to me; Eva!



With this the author began to dip into that fertile inkpot; where

there was a brain…fluid; concocted by virtues from on high in a

talismanic fashion。 From one cup there came serious things; which

wrote themselves in brown ink; and from the other trifling things;

which merely gave a roseate hue to the pages of the manuscript。 The

poor author has often; from carelessness; mixed the inks; now here;

now there; but as soon as the heavy sentences; difficult to smooth;

polish; and brighten up; of some work suitable to the taste of the day

are finished; the author; eager to amuse himself; in spite of the

small amount of merry ink remaining in the left cup; steals and bears

eagerly therefrom a few penfuls with great delight。 These said penfuls

are; indeed; these same Droll Tales; the authority on which is above

suspicion; because it flows from a divine source; as is shown in this

the author's naive confession。



Certain evil…disposed people will still cry out at this; but can you

find a man perfectly contented on this lump of mud? Is it not a shame?

In this the author has wisely comported himself in imitation of a

higher power; and he proves it by /atqui/。 Listen。 Is it not most

clearly demonstrated to the learned that the sovereign Lord of worlds

has made an infinite number of heavy; weighty; and serious machines

with great wheels; large chains; terrible notches; and frightfully

complicated screws and weights like the roasting jack; but also has

amused Himself with little trifles and grotesque things light as

zephyrs; and has made also naive and pleasant creations; at which you

laugh directly you see them? Is it not so? Then in all eccentric

works; such as the very spacious edifice undertaken by the author; in

order to model himself upon the laws of the above…named Lord; it is

necessary to fashion certain delicate flowers; pleasant insects; fine

dragons well twisted; imbricated; and colourednay; even gilt;

although he is often short of goldand throw them at the feet of his

snow…clad mountains; piles of rocks; and other cloud…capped

philosophers; long and terrible works; marble columns; real thoughts

carved in porphyry。



Ah! unclean beasts; who despise and repudiate the figures; phantasies;

harmonies; and roulades of the fair muse of drollery; will you not

pare your claws; so that you may never again scratch her white skin;

all azure with veins; her amorous reins; her flanks of surpassing

elegance; her feet that stay modestly in bed; her satin face; her

lustrous features; her heart devoid of bitterness? Ah! wooden…heads;

what will you say when you find that this merry lass springs from the

heart of France; agrees with all that is womanly in nature; has been

saluted with a polite /Ave/! by the angels in the person of their

spokesman; Mercury; and finally; is the clearest quintessence of Art。

In this work are to be met with necessity; virtue; whim; the desire of

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