the magic skin(驴皮记)-第14章

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stepped　into　the　carriage。

〃　'I　was　looking　on；'　I　answered；　trembling。

〃　'But　it　would　have　been　nothing　out　of　the　common　if　you　had　been
prompted　by　self…love　to　put　some　money　down　on　the　table。　In　the　eyes
of　men　of　the　world　you　are　quite　old　enough　to　assume　the　right　to
commit　such　follies。　So　I　should　have　pardoned　you；　Raphael；　if　you
had　made　use　of　my　purse。　。　。　。　。'

〃I　did　not　answer。　When　we　reached　home；　I　returned　the　keys　and　money
to　my　father。　As　he　entered　his　study；　he　emptied　out　his　purse　on　the
mantelpiece；　counted　the　money；　and　turned　to　me　with　a　kindly　look；
saying　with　more　or　less　long　and　significant　pauses　between　each
phrase：

〃　'My　boy；　you　are　very　nearly　twenty　now。　I　am　satisfied　with　you。
You　ought　to　have　an　allowance；　if　only　to　teach　you　how　to　lay　it
out；　and　to　gain　some　acquaintance　with　everyday　business。
Henceforward　I　shall　let　you　have　a　hundred　francs　each　month。　Here　is
your　first　quarter's　income　for　this　year；'　he　added；　fingering　a　pile
of　gold；　as　if　to　make　sure　that　the　amount　was　correct。　'Do　what　you
please　with　it。'

〃I　confess　that　I　was　ready　to　fling　myself　at　his　feet；　to　tell　him
that　I　was　a　thief；　a　scoundrel；　and；　worse　than　all；　a　liar！　But　a
feeling　of　shame　held　me　back。　I　went　up　to　him　for　an　embrace；　but　he
gently　pushed　me　away。

〃　'You　are　a　man　now；　MY　CHILD；'　he　said。　'What　I　have　just　done　was　a
very　proper　and　simple　thing；　for　which　there　is　no　need　to　thank　me。
If　I　have　any　claim　to　your　gratitude；　Raphael；'　he　went　on；　in　a　kind
but　dignified　way；　'it　is　because　I　have　preserved　your　youth　from　the
evils　that　destroy　young　men　in　Paris。　We　will　be　two　friends
henceforth。　In　a　year's　time　you　will　be　a　doctor　of　law。　Not　without
some　hardship　and　privations　you　have　acquired　the　sound　knowledge　and
the　love　of；　and　application　to；　work　that　is　indispensable　to　public
men。　You　must　learn　to　know　me；　Raphael。　I　do　not　want　to　make　either
an　advocate　or　a　notary　of　you；　but　a　statesman；　who　shall　be　the
pride　of　our　poor　house。　。　。　。　Good…night；'　he　added。

〃From　that　day　my　father　took　me　fully　into　confidence。　I　was　an　only
son；　and　ten　years　before；　I　had　lost　my　mother。　In　time　past　my
father；　the　head　of　a　historic　family　remembered　even　now　in　Auvergne；
had　come　to　Paris　to　fight　against　his　evil　star；　dissatisfied　at　the
prospect　of　tilling　the　soil；　with　his　useless　sword　by　his　side。　He
was　endowed　with　the　shrewdness　that　gives　the　men　of　the　south　of
France　a　certain　ascendency　when　energy　goes　with　it。　Almost　unaided；
he　made　a　position　for　himself　near　the　fountain　of　power。　The
revolution　brought　a　reverse　of　fortune；　but　he　had　managed　to　marry
an　heiress　of　good　family；　and；　in　the　time　of　the　Empire；　appeared　to
be　on　the　point　of　restoring　to　our　house　its　ancient　splendor。

〃The　Restoration；　while　it　brought　back　considerable　property　to　my
mother；　was　my　father's　ruin。　He　had　formerly　purchased　several
estates　abroad；　conferred　by　the　Emperor　on　his　generals；　and　now　for
ten　years　he　struggled　with　liquidators；　diplomatists；　and　Prussian
and　Bavarian　courts　of　law；　over　the　disputed　possession　of　these
unfortunate　endowments。　My　father　plunged　me　into　the　intricate
labyrinths　of　law　proceedings　on　which　our　future　depended。　We　might
be　compelled　to　return　the　rents；　as　well　as　the　proceeds　arising　from
sales　of　timber　made　during　the　years　1814　to　1817；　in　that　case　my
mother's　property　would　have　barely　saved　our　credit。　So　it　fell　out
that　the　day　on　which　my　father　in　a　fashion　emancipated　me；　brought
me　under　a　most　galling　yoke。　I　entered　on　a　conflict　like　a
battlefield；　I　must　work　day　and　night；　seek　interviews　with
statesmen；　surprise　their　convictions；　try　to　interest　them　in　our
affairs；　and　gain　them　over；　with　their　wives　and　servants；　and　their
very　dogs；　and　all　this　abominable　business　had　to　take　the　form　of
pretty　speeches　and　polite　attentions。　Then　I　knew　the　mortifications
that　had　left　their　blighting　traces　on　my　father's　face。　For　about　a
year　I　led　outwardly　the　life　of　a　man　of　the　world；　but　enormous
labors　lay　beneath　the　surface　of　gadding　about；　and　eager　efforts　to
attach　myself　to　influential　kinsmen；　or　to　people　likely　to　be　useful
to　us。　My　relaxations　were　lawsuits；　and　memorials　still　furnished　the
staple　of　my　conversation。　Hitherto　my　life　had　been　blameless；　from
the　sheer　impossibility　of　indulging　the　desires　of　youth；　but　now　I
became　my　own　master；　and　in　dread　of　involving　us　both　in　ruin　by
some　piece　of　negligence；　I　did　not　dare　to　allow　myself　any　pleasure
or　expenditure。

〃While　we　are　young；　and　before　the　world　has　rubbed　off　the　delicate
bloom　from　our　sentiments；　the　freshness　of　our　impressions；　the　noble
purity　of　conscience　which　will　never　allow　us　to　palter　with　evil；
the　sense　of　duty　is　very　strong　within　us；　the　voice　of　honor　clamors
within　us；　and　we　are　open　and　straightforward。　At　that　time　I　was　all
these　things。　I　wished　to　justify　my　father's　confidence　in　me。　But
lately　I　would　have　stolen　a　paltry　sum　from　him；　with　secret　delight；
but　now　that　I　shared　the　burden　of　his　affairs；　of　his　name　and　of
his　house；　I　would　secretly　have　given　up　my　fortune　and　my　hopes　for
him；　as　I　was　sacrificing　my　pleasures；　and　even　have　been　glad　of　the
sacrifice！　So　when　M。　de　Villele　exhumed；　for　our　special　benefit；　an
imperial　decree　concerning　forfeitures；　and　had　ruined　us；　I
authorized　the　sale　of　my　property；　only　retaining　an　island　in　the
middle　of　the　Loire　where　my　mother　was　buried。　Perhaps　arguments　and
evasions；　philosophical；　philanthropic；　and　political　considerations
would　not　fail　me　now；　to　hinder　the　perpetration　of　what　my　solicitor
termed　a　'folly'；　but　at　one…and…twenty；　I　repeat；　we　are　all　aglow
with　generosity　and　affection。　The　tears　that　stood　in　my　father's
eyes　were　to　me　the　most　splendid　of　fortunes；　and　the　thought　of
those　tears　has　often　soothed　my　sorrow。　Ten　months　after　he　had　paid
his　creditors；　my　father　died　of　grief；　I　was　his　idol；　and　he　had
ruined　me！　The　thought　killed　him。　Towards　the　end　of　the　autumn　of
1826；　at　the　age　of　twenty…two；　I　was　the　sole　mourner　at　his
gravesidethe　grave　of　my　father　and　my　earliest　friend。　Not　many
young　men　have　found　themselves　alone　with　their　thoughts　as　they
followed　a　hearse；　or　have　seen　themselves　lost　in　crowded　Paris；　and
without　money　or　prospects。　Orphans　rescued　by　public　charity　have　at
any　rate　the　future　of　the　battlefield　before　them；　and　find　a　shelter
in　some　institution　and　a　father　in　the　government　or　in　the　procureur
du　roi。　I　had　nothing。

〃Three　months　later；　an　agent　made　over　to　me　eleven　hundred　and
twelve　francs；　the　net　proceeds　of　the　winding　up　of　my　father's
affairs。　Our　creditors　had　driven　us　to　sell　our　furniture。　From　my
childhood　I　had　been　used　to　set　a　high　value　on　the　articles　of
luxury　about　us；　and　I　could　not　help　showing　my　astonishment　at　the
sight　of　this　meagre　balance。

〃　'Oh；　rococo；　all　of　it！'　said　the　auctioneer。　A　terrible　word　that
fell　like　a　blight　on　the　sacred　memories　of　my　childhood；　and
dispelled　my　earliest　illusions；　the　dearest　of　all。　My　entire　fortune
was　comprised　in　this　'account　rendered；'　my　future　lay　in　a　linen　bag
with　eleven　hundred　and　twelve　francs　in　it；　human　society　stood
before　me　in　the　person　of　an　auctioneer's　clerk；　who　kept　his　hat　on
while　he　spoke。　Jonathan；　an　old　servant　who　was　much　attached　to　me；
and　whom　my　mother　had　formerly　pensioned　with　an　annuity　of　four
hundred　francs；　spoke　to　me　as　I　was　leaving　the　house　that　I　had　so
often　gaily　left　for　a　drive　in　my　childhood。

〃　'Be　very　economical；　Monsieur　Raphael！'

〃The　good　fellow　was　crying。

〃Such　were　the　events；　dear　Emile；　that　ruled　my　destinies；　moulded　my
character；　and　set　me；　while　still　young；　in　an　utterly　false　social
position；〃　said　Raphael　after　a　pause。　〃Family　ties；　weak　ones；　it　is
true；　bound　me　to　a　few　wealthy　houses；　but　my　own　pride　would　have
kept　me　aloof　from　them　if　contempt　and　indifference　had　not　shut
their　doors　on　me　in　the　first　place。　I　was　related　to　people　who　were
very　influential；　and　who　lavished　their　patronage　on　strangers；　but　I
found　neither　relations　nor　patrons　in　them。　Continually　circumscribed
in　my　affections；　they　recoiled　upon　me。　Unreserved　and　simple　by
nature；　I　must　have　appeared　frigid　and　sophisticated。　My　father's
discipline　had　destroyed　all　confidence　in　myself。　I　was　shy　and
awkward；　I　could　not　believe　that　my　opinion　carried　any　weight
whatever；　I　took　no　pleasure　in　myself；　I　thought　myself　ugly；　and　was
ashamed　to　meet　my　own　eyes。　In　spite　of　the　inward　voice　that　must　be
the　stay　of　a　man　with　anything　in　him；　in　all　his　struggles；　the
voice　that　cries；　'Courage！　Go　forward！'　in　spite　of　sudden
revelations　of　my　own　strength　in　my　solitude；　in　spite　of　the　hopes
that　thrilled　me　as　I　compared　new　works；　that　the　public　admired　so
much；　with　the　schemes　that　hovered　in　my　brain；in　spite　of　all
this；　I　had　a　childish　mistrust　of　myself。

〃An　overweening　ambition　preyed　upon　me；　I　believed　that　I　was　meant
for　great　things；　and　yet　I　felt　myself　to　be　nothing。　I　had　need　of
other　men；　and　I　was　friendless。　I　found　I　must　make　my　way　in　the
world；　where　I　was　quite　alone；　and　bashful；　rather　than　afraid。

〃All　through　the　year　in　which；　by　my　father's　wish；　I　threw　myself
into　the　whirlpool　of　fashionable　society；　I　came　away　with　an
inexperienced　heart；　and　fresh　in　mind。　Like　every　grown　child；　I
sighed　in　secret　for　a　love　affair。　I　met；　among　young　men　of　my　own
age；　a　set　of　swaggerers　who　held　their　heads　high；　and　talked　about
trifles　as　they　seated　themselves　without　a　tremor　beside　women　who
inspired　awe　in　me。　They　chattered　nonsense；　sucked　the　heads　of　their
canes；　gave　themselves　affected　airs；　appropriated　the　fairest　women；
and　laid；　or　pretended　that　they　had　laid　their　heads　on　every　pillow。
Pleasure；　seemingly；　was　at　their　beck　and　call；　they　looked　on　the
most　virtuous　and　prudish　as　an　easy　prey；　ready　to　surrender　at　a
word；　at　the　slightest　impudent　gesture　or　insolent　look。　I　declare；
on　my　soul　and　conscience；　that　the　attainment　of　power；　or　of　a　great
name　in　literature；　seemed　to　me　an　easier　victory　than　a　success　with
some　young；　witty；　and　gracious　lady　of　high　degree。

〃So　I　found　the　tumult　of　my　heart；　my　feelings；　and　my　creeds　all　at
variance　with　the　axioms　of　society。　I　had　plenty　of　audacity　in　my
character；　but　none　in　my　manner。　Later；　I　found　out　that　women　did
not　like　to　be　implored。　I　have　from　afar　adored　many　a　one　to　whom　I
devoted　a　soul　proof　against　all　tests；　a　heart　to　break；　energy　that
shrank　from　no　sacrifice　and　from　no　torture；　THEY　accepted　fools　whom
I　would　not　have　engaged　as　hall　porters。　How　often；　mute　and
motionless；　have　I　not　admired　the　lady　of　my　dreams；　swaying　in　the
dance；　given　up　my　life　in　thought　to　one　eternal　caress；　expressed
all　my　hopes　in　a　look；　and　laid　before　her；　in　my　rapture；　a　young
man's　love；　which　should　outstrip　all　fables。　At　some　moments　I　was
ready　to　barter　my　whole　life　for　one　single　night。　Well；　as　I　could
never　find　a　listen