the magic skin(驴皮记)-第20章

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literature；　nor　in　any　picture　that　Italy　has　produced；　a
representation　of　the　feelings　that　expanded　all　at　once　in　my　double
nature。　The　view　of　the　lake　of　Bienne；　some　music　of　Rossini's；　the
Madonna　of　Murillo's　now　in　the　possession　of　General　Soult；
Lescombat's　letters；　a　few　sayings　scattered　through　collections　of
anecdotes；　but　most　of　all　the　prayers　of　religious　ecstatics；　and
passages　in　our　fabliaux；these　things　alone　have　power　to　carry　me
back　to　the　divine　heights　of　my　first　love。

〃Nothing　expressed　in　human　language；　no　thought　reproducible　in
color；　marble；　sound；　or　articulate　speech；　could　ever　render　the
force；　the　truth；　the　completeness；　the　suddenness　with　which　love
awoke　in　me。　To　speak　of　art；　is　to　speak　of　illusion。　Love　passes
through　endless　transformations　before　it　passes　for　ever　into　our
existence　and　makes　it　glow　with　its　own　color　of　flame。　The　process
is　imperceptible；　and　baffles　the　artist's　analysis。　Its　moans　and
complaints　are　tedious　to　an　uninterested　spectator。　One　would　need　to
be　very　much　in　love　to　share　the　furious　transports　of　Lovelace；　as
one　reads　Clarissa　Harlowe。　Love　is　like　some　fresh　spring；　that
leaves　its　cresses；　its　gravel　bed　and　flowers　to　become　first　a
stream　and　then　a　river；　changing　its　aspect　and　its　nature　as　it
flows　to　plunge　itself　in　some　boundless　ocean；　where　restricted
natures　only　find　monotony；　but　where　great　souls　are　engulfed　in
endless　contemplation。

〃How　can　I　dare　to　describe　the　hues　of　fleeting　emotions；　the
nothings　beyond　all　price；　the　spoken　accents　that　beggar　language；
the　looks　that　hold　more　than　all　the　wealth　of　poetry？　Not　one　of　the
mysterious　scenes　that　draw　us　insensibly　nearer　and　nearer　to　a
woman；　but　has　depths　in　it　which　can　swallow　up　all　the　poetry　that
ever　was　written。　How　can　the　inner　life　and　mystery　that　stirs　in　our
souls　penetrate　through　our　glozes；　when　we　have　not　even　words　to
describe　the　visible　and　outward　mysteries　of　beauty？　What　enchantment
steeped　me　for　how　many　hours　in　unspeakable　rapture；　filled　with　the
sight　of　Her！　What　made　me　happy？　I　know　not。　That　face　of　hers
overflowed　with　light　at　such　times；　it　seemed　in　some　way　to　glow
with　it；　the　outlines　of　her　face；　with　the　scarcely　perceptible　down
on　its　delicate　surface；　shone　with　a　beauty　belonging　to　the　far
distant　horizon　that　melts　into　the　sunlight。　The　light　of　day　seemed
to　caress　her　as　she　mingled　in　it；　rather　it　seemed　that　the　light　of
her　eyes　was　brighter　than　the　daylight　itself；　or　some　shadow　passing
over　that　fair　face　made　a　kind　of　change　there；　altering　its　hues　and
its　expression。　Some　thought　would　often　seem　to　glow　on　her　white
brows；　her　eyes　appeared　to　dilate；　and　her　eyelids　trembled；　a　smile
rippled　over　her　features；　the　living　coral　of　her　lips　grew　full　of
meaning　as　they　closed　and　unclosed；　an　indistinguishable　something　in
her　hair　made　brown　shadows　on　her　fair　temples；　in　each　new　phase
Foedora　spoke。　Every　slight　variation　in　her　beauty　made　a　new
pleasure　for　my　eyes；　disclosed　charms　my　heart　had　never　known
before；　I　tried　to　read　a　separate　emotion　or　a　hope　in　every　change
that　passed　over　her　face。　This　mute　converse　passed　between　soul　and
soul；　like　sound　and　answering　echo；　and　the　short…lived　delights　then
showered　upon　me　have　left　indelible　impressions　behind。　Her　voice
would　cause　a　frenzy　in　me　that　I　could　hardly　understand。　I　could
have　copied　the　example　of　some　prince　of　Lorraine；　and　held　a　live
coal　in　the　hollow　of　my　hand；　if　her　fingers　passed　caressingly
through　my　hair　the　while。　I　felt　no　longer　mere　admiration　and
desire：　I　was　under　the　spell；　I　had　met　my　destiny。　When　back　again
under　my　own　roof；　I　still　vaguely　saw　Foedora　in　her　own　home；　and
had　some　indefinable　share　in　her　life；　if　she　felt　ill；　I　suffered
too。　The　next　day　I　used　to　say　to　her：

〃　'You　were　not　well　yesterday。'

〃How　often　has　she　not　stood　before　me；　called　by　the　power　of
ecstasy；　in　the　silence　of　the　night！　Sometimes　she　would　break　in
upon　me　like　a　ray　of　light；　make　me　drop　my　pen；　and　put　science　and
study　to　flight　in　grief　and　alarm；　as　she　compelled　my　admiration　by
the　alluring　pose　I　had　seen　but　a　short　time　before。　Sometimes　I　went
to　seek　her　in　the　spirit　world；　and　would　bow　down　to　her　as　to　a
hope；　entreating　her　to　let　me　hear　the　silver　sounds　of　her　voice；
and　I　would　wake　at　length　in　tears。

〃Once；　when　she　had　promised　to　go　to　the　theatre　with　me；　she　took　it
suddenly　into　her　head　to　refuse　to　go　out；　and　begged　me　to　leave　her
alone。　I　was　in　such　despair　over　the　perversity　which　cost　me　a　day's
work；　and　（if　I　must　confess　it）　my　last　shilling　as　well；　that　I　went
alone　where　she　was　to　have　been；　desiring　to　see　the　play　she　had
wished　to　see。　I　had　scarcely　seated　myself　when　an　electric　shock
went　through　me。　A　voice　told　me；　'She　is　here！'　I　looked　round；　and
saw　the　countess　hidden　in　the　shadow　at　the　back　of　her　box　in　the
first　tier。　My　look　did　not　waver；　my　eyes　saw　her　at　once　with
incredible　clearness；　my　soul　hovered　about　her　life　like　an　insect
above　its　flower。　How　had　my　senses　received　this　warning？　There　is
something　in　these　inward　tremors　that　shallow　people　find
astonishing；　but　the　phenomena　of　our　inner　consciousness　are　produced
as　simple　as　those　of　external　vision；　so　I　was　not　surprised；　but
much　vexed。　My　studies　of　our　mental　faculties；　so　little　understood；
helped　me　at　any　rate　to　find　in　my　own　excitement　some　living　proofs
of　my　theories。　There　was　something　exceedingly　odd　in　this
combination　of　lover　and　man　of　science；　of　downright　idolatry　of　a
woman　with　the　love　of　knowledge。　The　causes　of　the　lover's　despair
were　highly　interesting　to　the　man　of　science；　and　the　exultant　lover；
on　the　other　hand；　put　science　far　away　from　him　in　his　joy。　Foedora
saw　me；　and　grew　grave：　I　annoyed　her。　I　went　to　her　box　during　the
first　interval；　and　finding　her　alone；　I　stayed　there。　Although　we　had
not　spoken　of　love；　I　foresaw　an　explanation。　I　had　not　told　her　my
secret；　still　there　was　a　kind　of　understanding　between　us。　She　used
to　tell　me　her　plans　for　amusement；　and　on　the　previous　evening　had
asked　with　friendly　eagerness　if　I　meant　to　call　the　next　day。　After
any　witticism　of　hers；　she　would　give　me　an　inquiring　glance；　as　if
she　had　sought　to　please　me　alone　by　it。　She　would　soothe　me　if　I　was
vexed；　and　if　she　pouted；　I　had　in　some　sort　a　right　to　ask　an
explanation。　Before　she　would　pardon　any　blunder；　she　would　keep　me　a
suppliant　for　long。　All　these　things　that　we　so　relished；　were　so　many
lovers'　quarrels。　What　arch　grace　she　threw　into　it　all！　and　what
happiness　it　was　to　me！

〃But　now　we　stood　before　each　other　as　strangers；　with　the　close
relation　between　us　both　suspended。　The　countess　was　glacial：　a
presentiment　of　trouble　filled　me。

〃　'Will　you　come　home　with　me？'　she　said；　when　the　play　was　over。

〃There　had　been　a　sudden　change　in　the　weather；　and　sleet　was　falling
in　showers　as　we　went　out。　Foedora's　carriage　was　unable　to　reach　the
doorway　of　the　theatre。　At　the　sight　of　a　well…dressed　woman　about　to
cross　the　street；　a　commissionaire　held　an　umbrella　above　us；　and
stood　waiting　at　the　carriage…door　for　his　tip。　I　would　have　given　ten
years　of　life　just　then　for　a　couple　of　halfpence；　but　I　had　not　a
penny。　All　the　man　in　me　and　all　my　vainest　susceptibilities　were
wrung　with　an　infernal　pain。　The　words；　'I　haven't　a　penny　about　me；
my　good　fellow！'　came　from　me　in　the　hard　voice　of　thwarted　passion；
and　yet　I　was　that　man's　brother　in　misfortune；　as　I　knew　too　well；
and　once　I　had　so　lightly　paid　away　seven　hundred　thousand　francs！　The
footman　pushed　the　man　aside；　and　the　horses　sprang　forward。　As　we
returned；　Foedora；　in　real　or　feigned　abstraction；　answered　all　my
questions　curtly　and　by　monosyllables。　I　said　no　more；　it　was　a
hateful　moment。　When　we　reached　her　house；　we　seated　ourselves　by　the
hearth；　and　when　the　servant　had　stirred　the　fire　and　left　us　alone；
the　countess　turned　to　me　with　an　inexplicable　expression；　and　spoke。
Her　manner　was　almost　solemn。

〃　'Since　my　return　to　France；　more　than　one　young　man；　tempted　by　my
money；　has　made　proposals　to　me　which　would　have　satisfied　my　pride。　I
have　come　across　men；　too；　whose　attachment　was　so　deep　and　sincere
that　they　might　have　married　me　even　if　they　had　found　me　the
penniless　girl　I　used　to　be。　Besides　these；　Monsieur　de　Valentin；　you
must　know　that　new　titles　and　newly…acquired　wealth　have　been　also
offered　to　me；　and　that　I　have　never　received　again　any　of　those　who
were　so　ill…advised　as　to　mention　love　to　me。　If　my　regard　for　you　was
but　slight；　I　would　not　give　you　this　warning；　which　is　dictated　by
friendship　rather　than　by　pride。　A　woman　lays　herself　open　to　a　rebuff
of　some　kind；　if　she　imagines　herself　to　be　loved；　and　declines；
before　it　is　uttered；　to　listen　to　language　which　in　its　nature
implies　a　compliment。　I　am　well　acquainted　with　the　parts　played　by
Arsinoe　and　Araminta；　and　with　the　sort　of　answer　I　might　look　for
under　such　circumstances；　but　I　hope　to…day　that　I　shall　not　find
myself　misconstrued　by　a　man　of　no　ordinary　character；　because　I　have
frankly　spoken　my　mind。'

〃She　spoke　with　the　cool　self…possession　of　some　attorney　or　solicitor
explaining　the　nature　of　a　contract　or　the　conduct　of　a　lawsuit　to　a
client。　There　was　not　the　least　sign　of　feeling　in　the　clear　soft
tones　of　her　voice。　Her　steady　face　and　dignified　bearing　seemed　to　me
now　full　of　diplomatic　reserve　and　coldness。　She　had　planned　this
scene；　no　doubt；　and　carefully　chosen　her　words　beforehand。　Oh；　my
friend；　there　are　women　who　take　pleasure　in　piercing　hearts；　and
deliberately　plunge　the　dagger　back　again　into　the　wound；　such　women
as　these　cannot　but　be　worshiped；　for　such　women　either　love　or　would
fain　be　loved。　A　day　comes　when　they　make　amends　for　all　the　pain　they
gave　us；　they　repay　us　for　the　pangs；　the　keenness　of　which　they
recognize；　in　joys　a　hundred…fold；　even　as　God；　they　tell　us；
recompenses　our　good　works。　Does　not　their　perversity　spring　from　the
strength　of　their　feelings？　But　to　be　so　tortured　by　a　woman；　who
slaughters　you　with　indifference！　was　not　the　suffering　hideous？

〃Foedora　did　not　know　it；　but　in　that　minute　she　trampled　all　my　hopes
beneath　her　feet；　she　maimed　my　life　and　she　blighted　my　future　with
the　cool　indifference　and　unconscious　barbarity　of　an　inquisitive
child　who　plucks　its　wings　from　a　butterfly。

〃　'Later　on；'　resumed　Foedora；　'you　will　learn；　I　hope；　the　stability
of　the　affection　that　I　keep　for　my　friends。　You　will　always　find　that
I　have　devotion　and　kindness　for　them。　I　would　give　my　life　to　serve
my　friends；　but　you　could　only　despise　me；　if　I　allowed　them　to　make
love　to　me　without　return。　That　is　enough。　You　are　the　only　man　to
whom　I　have　spoken　such　words　as　these　last。'

〃At　first　I　could　not　speak；　or　master　the　tempest　that　arose　within
me；　but　I　soon　repressed　my　emotions　in　the　depths　of　my　soul；　and
began　to　smile。

〃　'If　I　own　that　I　love　you；'　I　said；　'you　will　banish　me　at　once；　if
I　plead　guilty　to　indifference；　you　will　make　me