the magic skin(驴皮记)-第28章

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lose　a　woman；　you　are　losing　a　name　and　a　family。　Time　is　big　with　my
revenge；　time　will　spoil　your　beauty；　and　yours　will　be　a　solitary
death；　and　glory　waits　for　me！'

〃　'Thanks　for　your　peroration！'　she　said；　repressing　a　yawn；　the　wish
that　she　might　never　see　me　again　was　expressed　in　her　whole　bearing。

〃That　remark　silenced　me。　I　flung　at　her　a　glance　full　of　hatred；　and
hurried　away。

〃Foedora　must　be　forgotten；　I　must　cure　myself　of　my　infatuation；　and
betake　myself　once　more　to　my　lonely　studies；　or　die。　So　I　set　myself
tremendous　tasks；　I　determined　to　complete　my　labors。　For　fifteen　days
I　never　left　my　garret；　spending　whole　nights　in　pallid　thought。　I
worked　with　difficulty；　and　by　fits　and　starts；　despite　my　courage　and
the　stimulation　of　despair。　The　music　had　fled。　I　could　not　exorcise
the　brilliant　mocking　image　of　Foedora。　Something　morbid　brooded　over
every　thought；　a　vague　longing　as　dreadful　as　remorse。　I　imitated　the
anchorites　of　the　Thebaid。　If　I　did　not　pray　as　they　did；　I　lived　a
life　in　the　desert　like　theirs；　hewing　out　my　ideas　as　they　were　wont
to　hew　their　rocks。　I　could　at　need　have　girdled　my　waist　with　spikes；
that　physical　suffering　might　quell　mental　anguish。

〃One　evening　Pauline　found　her　way　into　my　room。

〃　'You　are　killing　yourself；'　she　said　imploringly；　'you　should　go　out
and　see　your　friends'

〃　'Pauline；　you　were　a　true　prophet；　Foedora　is　killing　me；　I　want　to
die。　My　life　is　intolerable。'

〃　'Is　there　only　one　woman　in　the　world？'　she　asked；　smiling。　'Why
make　yourself　so　miserable　in　so　short　a　life？'

〃I　looked　at　Pauline　in　bewilderment。　She　left　me　before　I　noticed　her
departure；　the　sound　of　her　words　had　reached　me；　but　not　their　sense。
Very　soon　I　had　to　take　my　Memoirs　in　manuscript　to　my　literary…
contractor。　I　was　so　absorbed　by　my　passion；　that　I　could　not　remember
how　I　had　managed　to　live　without　money；　I　only　knew　that　the　four
hundred　and　fifty　francs　due　to　me　would　pay　my　debts。　So　I　went　to
receive　my　salary；　and　met　Rastignac；　who　thought　me　changed　and
thinner。

〃　'What　hospital　have　you　been　discharged　from？'　he　asked。

〃　'That　woman　is　killing　me；'　I　answered；　'I　can　neither　despise　her
nor　forget　her。'

〃　'You　had　much　better　kill　her；　then　perhaps　you　would　think　no　more
of　her；'　he　said；　laughing。

〃　'I　have　often　thought　of　it；'　I　replied；　'but　though　sometimes　the
thought　of　a　crime　revives　my　spirits；　of　violence　and　murder；　either
or　both；　I　am　really　incapable　of　carrying　out　the　design。　The
countess　is　an　admirable　monster　who　would　crave　for　pardon；　and　not
every　man　is　an　Othello。'

〃　'She　is　like　every　woman　who　is　beyond　our　reach；'　Rastignac
interrupted。

〃　'I　am　mad；'　I　cried；　'I　can　feel　the　madness　raging　at　times　in　my
brain。　My　ideas　are　like　shadows；　they　flit　before　me；　and　I　cannot
grasp　them。　Death　would　be　preferable　to　this　life；　and　I　have
carefully　considered　the　best　way　of　putting　an　end　to　the　struggle。　I
am　not　thinking　of　the　living　Foedora　in　the　Faubourg　Saint　Honore；
but　of　my　Foedora　here；'　and　I　tapped　my　forehead。　'What　to　you　say　to
opium？'

〃　'Pshaw！　horrid　agonies；'　said　Rastignac。

〃　'Or　charcoal　fumes？'

〃　'A　low　dodge。'

〃　'Or　the　Seine？'

〃　'The　drag…nets；　and　the　Morgue　too；　are　filthy。'

〃　'A　pistol…shot？'

〃　'And　if　you　miscalculate；　you　disfigure　yourself　for　life。　Listen　to
me；'　he　went　on；　'like　all　young　men；　I　have　pondered　over　suicide。
Which　of　us　hasn't　killed　himself　two　or　three　times　before　he　is
thirty？　I　find　there　is　no　better　course　than　to　use　existence　as　a
means　of　pleasure。　Go　in　for　thorough　dissipation；　and　your　passion　or
you　will　perish　in　it。　Intemperance；　my　dear　fellow；　commands　all
forms　of　death。　Does　she　not　wield　the　thunderbolt　of　apoplexy？
Apoplexy　is　a　pistol…shot　that　does　not　miscalculate。　Orgies　are
lavish　in　all　physical　pleasures；　is　not　that　the　small　change　for
opium？　And　the　riot　that　makes　us　drink　to　excess　bears　a　challenge　to
mortal　combat　with　wine。　That　butt　of　Malmsey　of　the　Duke　of
Clarence's　must　have　had　a　pleasanter　flavor　than　Seine　mud。　When　we
sink　gloriously　under　the　table；　is　not　that　a　periodical　death　by
drowning　on　a　small　scale？　If　we　are　picked　up　by　the　police　and
stretched　out　on　those　chilly　benches　of　theirs　at　the　police…station；
do　we　not　enjoy　all　the　pleasures　of　the　Morgue？　For　though　we　are　not
blue　and　green；　muddy　and　swollen　corpses；　on　the　other　hand　we　have
the　consciousness　of　the　climax。

〃　'Ah；'　he　went　on；　'this　protracted　suicide　has　nothing　in　common
with　the　bankrupt　grocer's　demise。　Tradespeople　have　brought　the　river
into　disrepute；　they　fling　themselves　in　to　soften　their　creditors'
hearts。　In　your　place　I　should　endeavor　to　die　gracefully；　and　if　you
wish　to　invent　a　novel　way　of　doing　it；　by　struggling　with　life　after
this　manner；　I　will　be　your　second。　I　am　disappointed　and　sick　of
everything。　The　Alsacienne；　whom　it　was　proposed　that　I　should　marry；
had　six　toes　on　her　left　foot；　I　cannot　possibly　live　with　a　woman　who
has　six　toes！　It　would　get　about　to　a　certainty；　and　then　I　should　be
ridiculous。　Her　income　was　only　eighteen　thousand　francs；　her　fortune
diminished　in　quantity　as　her　toes　increased。　The　devil　take　it；　if　we
begin　an　outrageous　sort　of　life；　we　may　come　on　some　bit　of　luck；
perhaps！'

〃Rastignac's　eloquence　carried　me　away。　The　attractions　of　the　plan
shone　too　temptingly；　hopes　were　kindled；　the　poetical　aspects　of　the
matter　appealed　to　a　poet。

〃　'How　about　money？'　I　said。

〃　'Haven't　you　four　hundred　and　fifty　francs？'

〃　'Yes；　but　debts　to　my　landlady　and　the　tailor'

〃　'You　would　pay　your　tailor？　You　will　never　be　anything　whatever；　not
so　much　as　a　minister。'

〃　'But　what　can　one　do　with　twenty　louis？'

〃　'Go　to　the　gaming…table。'

〃I　shuddered。

〃　'You　are　going　to　launch　out　into　what　I　call　systematic
dissipation；'　said　he；　noticing　my　scruples；　'and　yet　you　are　afraid
of　a　green　table…cloth。'

〃　'Listen　to　me；'　I　answered。　'I　promised　my　father　never　to　set　foot
in　a　gaming…house。　Not　only　is　that　a　sacred　promise；　but　I　still　feel
an　unconquerable　disgust　whenever　I　pass　a　gambling…hell；　take　the
money　and　go　without　me。　While　our　fortune　is　at　stake；　I　will　set　my
own　affairs　straight；　and　then　I　will　go　to　your　lodgings　and　wait　for
you。'

〃That　was　the　way　I　went　to　perdition。　A　young　man　has　only　to　come
across　a　woman　who　will　not　love　him；　or　a　woman　who　loves　him　too
well；　and　his　whole　life　becomes　a　chaos。　Prosperity　swallows　up　our
energy　just　as　adversity　obscures　our　virtues。　Back　once　more　in　my
Hotel　de　Saint…Quentin；　I　gazed　about　me　a　long　while　in　the　garret
where　I　had　led　my　scholar's　temperate　life；　a　life　which　would
perhaps　have　been　a　long　and　honorable　one；　and　that　I　ought　not　to
have　quitted　for　the　fevered　existence　which　had　urged　me　to　the　brink
of　a　precipice。　Pauline　surprised　me　in　this　dejected　attitude。

〃　'Why；　what　is　the　matter　with　you？'　she　asked。

〃I　rose　and　quietly　counted　out　the　money　owing　to　her　mother；　and
added　to　it　sufficient　to　pay　for　six　months'　rent　in　advance。　She
watched　me　in　some　alarm。

〃　'I　am　going　to　leave　you；　dear　Pauline。'

〃　'I　knew　it！'　she　exclaimed。

〃　'Listen；　my　child。　I　have　not　given　up　the　idea　of　coming　back。　Keep
my　room　for　me　for　six　months。　If　I　do　not　return　by　the　fifteenth　of
November；　you　will　come　into　possession　of　my　things。　This　sealed
packet　of　manuscript　is　the　fair　copy　of　my　great　work　on　〃The
Will；〃　'　I　went　on；　pointing　to　a　package。　'Will　you　deposit　it　in　the
King's　Library？　And　you　may　do　as　you　wish　with　everything　that　is
left　here。'

〃Her　look　weighed　heavily　on　my　heart；　Pauline　was　an　embodiment　of
conscience　there　before　me。

〃　'I　shall　have　no　more　lessons；'　she　said；　pointing　to　the　piano。

〃I　did　not　answer　that。

〃　'Will　you　write　to　me？'

〃　'Good…bye；　Pauline。'

〃I　gently　drew　her　towards　me；　and　set　a　kiss　on　that　innocent　fair
brow　of　hers；　like　snow　that　has　not　yet　touched　the　eartha　father's
or　a　brother's　kiss。　She　fled。　I　would　not　see　Madame　Gaudin；　hung　my
key　in　its　wonted　place；　and　departed。　I　was　almost　at　the　end　of　the
Rue　de　Cluny　when　I　heard　a　woman's　light　footstep　behind　me。

〃　'I　have　embroidered　this　purse　for　you；'　Pauline　said；　'will　you
refuse　even　that？'

〃By　the　light　of　the　street　lamp　I　thought　I　saw　tears　in　Pauline's
eyes；　and　I　groaned。　Moved　perhaps　by　a　common　impulse；　we　parted　in
haste　like　people　who　fear　the　contagion　of　the　plague。

〃As　I　waited　with　dignified　calmness　for　Rastignac's　return；　his　room
seemed　a　grotesque　interpretation　of　the　sort　of　life　I　was　about　to
enter　upon。　The　clock　on　the　chimney…piece　was　surmounted　by　a　Venus
resting　on　her　tortoise；　a　half…smoked　cigar　lay　in　her　arms。　Costly
furniture　of　various　kindslove　tokens；　very　likelywas　scattered
about。　Old　shoes　lay　on　a　luxurious　sofa。　The　comfortable　armchair
into　which　I　had　thrown　myself　bore　as　many　scars　as　a　veteran；　the
arms　were　gnashed；　the　back　was　overlaid　with　a　thick；　stale　deposit
of　pomade　and　hair…oil　from　the　heads　of　all　his　visitors。　Splendor
and　squalor　were　oddly　mingled；　on　the　walls；　the　bed；　and　everywhere。
You　might　have　thought　of　a　Neapolitan　palace　and　the　groups　of
lazzaroni　about　it。　It　was　the　room　of　a　gambler　or　a　mauvais　sujet；
where　the　luxury　exists　for　one　individual；　who　leads　the　life　of　the
senses　and　does　not　trouble　himself　over　inconsistencies。

〃There　was　a　certain　imaginative　element　about　the　picture　it
presented。　Life　was　suddenly　revealed　there　in　its　rags　and　spangles
as　the　incomplete　thing　it　really　is；　of　course；　but　so　vividly　and
picturesquely；　it　was　like　a　den　where　a　brigand　has　heaped　up　all　the
plunder　in　which　he　delights。　Some　pages　were　missing　from　a　copy　of
Byron's　poems：　they　had　gone　to　light　a　fire　of　a　few　sticks　for　this
young　person；　who　played　for　stakes　of　a　thousand　francs；　and　had　not
a　faggot；　he　kept　a　tilbury；　and　had　not　a　whole　shirt　to　his　back。
Any　day　a　countess　or　an　actress　or　a　run　of　luck　at　ecarte　might　set
him　up　with　an　outfit　worthy　of　a　king。　A　candle　had　been　stuck　into
the　green　bronze　sheath　of　a　vestaholder；　a　woman's　portrait　lay
yonder；　torn　out　of　its　carved　gold　setting。　How　was　it　possible　that
a　young　man；　whose　nature　craved　excitement；　could　renounce　a　life　so
attractive　by　reason　of　its　contradictions；　a　life　that　afforded　all
the　delights　of　war　in　the　midst　of　peace？　I　was　growing　drowsy　when
Rastignac　kicked　the　door　open　and　shouted：

〃　'Victory！　Now　we　can　take　our　time　about　dying。'

〃He　held　out　his　hat　filled　with　gold　to　me；　and　put　it　down　on　the
table；　then　we　pranced　round　it　like　a　pair　of　cannibals　about　to　eat
a　victim；　we　stamped；　and　danced；　and　yelled；　and　sang；　we　gave　each
other　blows　fit　to　kill　an　elephant；　at　sight　of　all　the　pleasures　of
the　world　contained　in　that　hat。

〃　'Twenty…seven　thousand　francs；'　said　Rastignac；　adding　a　few　bank…
notes　to　the　pile　of　gold。　'That　would　be　enough　for　other　folk　to
live　upon；　will　it　be　sufficient　for　us　to　die　on？　Yes！　we　will
breathe　our　last　in　a　bath　of　goldhurrah！'　and　we　capered　afresh。

〃